@OP
Very nice!

Nice one,

To the unmarried ones, try to always let your fiancee know about your weaknesses, be it anger, impatient, irritation, etc.

I think that will help.If he/she gives up, then you know he/she is not meant for you.

Also, remember that God is still in the business of marriage even though Adam and Eve screwed up. I was in a youth programme last weekend and we

were told that there's an appointed time for everyone, not only in marriage but in any issue in this life. You will know when your future partner comes

around provided you believe in God.

To the married ones experiencing problems, you may have married a man/woman meant for another person (i.e. you missed the timing for your own) but

I want you to know that God knows what you are currently going through. Just commit everything into His hands and He will definitely see you through.

God Bless you

such a wonderful post, took my time to read it and it was worth it.learnt a lot from it.thanks

yeah, i had to read it again, it is really a masterpiece. dont mind so ignorant and educated illiterate on this arena i want to proudly say this the best thread that has ever been posted here and it has nothing to do sex, male/female neither is d beta, we all should pray we settle into the nest we desire. i sent a copy to mailbox for printing in "COLOURED" cos i want to frame it up 4 eternity n my sweets she kinda got the message i hope isnt pretending, cos i have just 1 life to live, i need it 4ever. i hope we all try to apreciate n treasure those little details that made "us" gell when we were courting n hold on to them 4ever, it works, as we have seen.

men GOD bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbblesssssss UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

thanks.

@Arielle and others having marital problems: I am sorry to hear what you are going through in your marriage Arielle and I sympathise with you because I can relate to how you are feeling.
If not for the grace of God my 3 year marriage would have broken now even though we had dated for 8 years before we got married in 2005.
I guess the person who said the first 10 years of a marriage are the most challenging knew what they were talking about.
To be honest with you I don't have any proper advice for you but I will tell you what I have been doing and you can try it and I hope it works for you!
First thing I did was to email my husband because I found that if I tried talking to him I got angry and could not speak my mind, so I wrote him a long letter of how I was feeling and how things used to be and how things will be if we don't do anything about it.I also spoke to his closest brother and my dad because I just wanted to have a clearer indication as to how men think and how they handle things and they both gave me very solid advice-PRAY FOR YOUR HUSBAND, DO NOT GET TIRED,TELL HIM HOW YOU ARE FEELING, DONT NAG, DONT FIGHT, BE VERY PATIENT IT WILL TAKE TIME BUT HE CAN DEFINITELY MAKE AMENDMENTS THAT WILL ENABLE THE TWO OF YOU TO LEAVE IN TOTAL LOVE AND HARMONY!
My husband has since being trying, there are still things that he is doing that i don't like but I have come to either ignore them and deal with them, it is almost impossible for a person to change instead of trying to change your partner why not make some changes yourself!
If your partner is at all human and if love exists when they see the effort you are putting in to make things work they will make an effort too.
Please pray to your God, I am a christian I don't know if you are but pray to whoever or whatever you regard to be your God and have faith that things will get better!
I pray the Lord gives us all the wisdom , knowledge anf understanding to be able to live with our partners, love them unconditionally, support them in eveyrway we can and overlook their mistakes(they are not perfect).
Good luck all!

@ebonyi
Well said.

@Arielle
Try some more and try what Ebonyi advised.

If it still doesn't, you will know in your heart when it is right for you to quit.

I hope and pray it works out for you.

Excellent post ! Ofcourse, i got some more info from the post !
Thanks .

Cheers

@ Poster

What more can i say? fellow nairalanders have said it all,
a big time Food for Thought for those of us who are yet to get married
The best and educative topic i have come close to in Narialand
Thank u a million times even though it can't measure the inspirations i drew from this
Be bless as this is a blessing to many.

@ The Topic till death do us part
That almost brought me to tears
I want to forward this to all my colleagues who are married, it could probably bless them

@Arielle
I feel your pulse, but this is the time you need God most
Don't quit yet as you dont kwn the next man,what he is made up with
There is nothing God can't change, Call upon him and He will surely answer u
May a shinning light come after your dark tunnels.

To fellow nairalanders, One love alwaz.

this is a nice one, a lot of people think the other will change once they get married, but its usually not the case.
When u're dating there are so many things to look out for, the ones u can tolerate u do but the ones u cant its better to address them b4 tying the nut

it takes 2 to tangle. but you know so many other marrages are so blissful to experience.

@ poster
Nice write up, was very interesting and so true.

@ Arielle
life is too short to stay unhappy for too long so as others have said try n work it out and ask for God's help if not,
[color=#990000][/color]

wonderful piece ! i feel like reading it over and over again
Thank u so very much mr poster cos i have so much to learn from this.

marriage no be small thingy oh!!!!!nice post,

That was insightful. Thank you, by His grace we will not have a broken home

May God help all of us

Interesting write up!!!

marriage wahala too much.
infact i dread it a bit. but i've learnt so much from what i've learnt so far from married men.

longevity before marriage is not a guarantee for success in the marriage.
fantasy can never be reality.

for crashes to occur, someone must be over expectant.

new developments of both negative and positive sides
spells doom for unprepared couples.

I have just this to say

Marriage is a mystery that only God understands so if you go into it without God then you'll get crisis.
And when you have problems in urs (emphasis on when cos they will surely come), go to God in prayer and He'll make the necessary ammendments.
Cheers all,

I hope and wish we can get more of this type of topic on NL instead of the "men are this and that" or "women are this, women are that" good job poster! picked few things from this! thanks.

@ poster

this is extremely refreshing to read, waow!!!

I have cpoied and pasted it somewhere so I can forward it to all my friends.

If you know so much about this 'M' issue, then yours will be heaven.

Thank u for the lecture.

When is the next class please, I mean Marriage 102

You aptly captured true senario of marriage. But what you did not mention is that some people fall out of love. No matter how the other party tries to make the marriage work will never save it because the other person is determined to end it, and probably be with somebody else. Marriage could be boring to some people

Great!

Marriages don't work mainly because after the 'I Do', either or both parties stops adding value to the relationship.
There is an assumption that it is bliss after the exchange of vows. Many learnt otherwise bitterly.

Candid advise to married and would bes;
Always add value to your relationship in areas that align with your mutual philosophies. Also, a little suprise and unexpected show of affection keeps the fire burning.

Trust me it works.

no one can realy say why some marriages dont work. ive been married for close 2 4 years and its now the marriage is trying to find its feet. the 1st mistake was our being far from each other so we never really got to court. 2nd mistake was getting pregnant b4 the wedding. it put some pressure on us to do the rite thing. he was still in love with a lady and had a lot of women in his life he didnt want 2 let go off. i met someone and we became close but i realised that your own is your own. i hacked into his mail and it was explosive. i guess finding out made him pipe down a bit. we have 2 kids betwwn us and for the sake of my kids whom i love so much, ive decided 2 give him another chance. most times, it doesnt work because a lot of us hold on to past memories and we dont want 2 accept our spouses 4 who they are. courting doesnt really tell the truth, a lot of us hide under that till we marry, knowing that a lot of women wont opt 4 divorce unless entirely necessary.
but we still need to find out who 2 bond with and get married, cos marriage is very BEAUTIFUL.

[center][b]Whao!!! what else can i say to the poster.You have blessed my marriage and i have learnt not just a few things but so much more about the ethics of marriage.Hummm!!! my personal experience.I got married 19months ago before then we had a courtship for about 96months(8yrs).All was rousy during the courtship and when we got married in dec, we were like whao!!!we've got to know each other before now. But to my greatest surprise cos i was in my late 20ies when i got married and my wife about mid 20ies,was that things started changing the challenges was more, But i have to be sincere **NO BE EASY THING AT ALL** under the same roof hum!!!! its really challenging. I never raised my hand on my wife for once all thru the courtship but in the 11month after our wedding i ALMOST did and thank GOD i didn't cos my wife frustrated me to the last but i thank God i took my time. Quickly,i reacted to my wife's emotion and noticed where shes lacking and where i needed to adjust, my brother its not an easy task, a man to drop his 'EGO' you know what it means but thank GOD i did and since then things have been working fine.Dont misunderstood me,i didn't say we don't quarrel but they are just normal quarrels but we get over that often times.

We learn on daily basis and i seek advice from Dad who is has been there for me.What i think really helped us in our courtship was that no one had ever intervene in whatever comes up between us,and that policy is still what had been taking us thru in our marital life.In fact the poster actually saw whats is going on in my home,he was about to point out somethings that we needed to do,i wouldn't lie ever since i have read this master piece,it has changed somethings about me and i printed it out i gave a copy to my wife.What i did was that on the day i READ it and printed it out,i had a discussion over it with my wife.We read it over and over again,despite that fact that its exhaustive,we couldn't believe what we had both leant from it and that night i tell you ,we had fun as just as we did in those days when we were in courtship.My Little baby also was happy seeing Dad and Mum happy again.

I Got married a bit early in terms of age but i think i had a long courtship,i know this has actually helped me in the area of commitment.One thing i'd like to advise is this;-

MAKE SURE U GET MARRIED TO SOME YOU TRULY LOVE,DON'T PITY SOMEONE AND GET MARRIED TO THE PERSON.I HAVE TO SAY THIS BECAUSE AT A POINT IN TIME IN THE JOURNEY OF YOUR MARRIAGE THE PASSION WILL CEASE,THE AFFECTION WOULD DISAPPEAR BUT ONE THING IS SURE IF YOU TRULY LOVE YOUR PARTNER THE TRUE LOVE WILL SEE YOU THRU.

Thank you poster u never know what kinda gift you have blessed me with but i say if you offer me this counseling or $50,000;Sincerely without any hidden intention in my heart i will take this counseling and let go of the $50,000.

Thank you poster, my wife says Hi and thank you too.

I have made copies of this and sent it out to my friends,especially those once who are getting married in August to take their time to plan there MARRIAGE rather than spending a whole time planning their marriage.

Thank you.[/b][/center][size=8pt][size=8pt][/size][/size][size=8pt][size=8pt]

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well,

The Poster has captured it all. in Addition, Never! I repeat Never! get married to someone of destable character. once you don't like a trait and complain about it if he or she doesn't change, just break up! the change will never come after marriage. that is for real.

I'm not yet married but I have seen and I have dated . Marriage is not an easy thing. phisical beauty or physik is nothing as far as marriage is concerned.

@ olumoke
taxs for taking your time to post this good & educative topic. God bless you.



@ arielle

pls you need communication with your husband now like never before & if he wouldnt listen then just be a bit patient with him. i really feel you.

@ poster
The best thread so far in my opinion on nairaland. you have touched a lot of people. may God bless you in all your endeavours.

Na by force to marry? For better una stay for worst

una depart.

Mine isn't working. Everything seems to be going downhill. I have done all I can to make it work. But I can't do it on my own any longer. I am tired of spending every night alone at home. I am tired of being mummy, daddy, cook, housekeeper, nurse, champion, cheerleader, support. All on my own and not getting the same in return. I have forgotten what is like to be a wife. Why does he have to be home at 2:00am every night. Or till the next day on weekends. Why am I left to bring up the children by myself? I feel like I have been taken advantage of. I shouldn't have to feel that way. A wife should be a support for her husband in everyway and shouldn't have to hold back.
I have done all I can to make a nice and comfortable home for us. I have been supportive in everyway I can. Why can't I get the same consideration? It was good before, for a short while. I turned a blind eye to his constant late nights because I didn't want to nag, although i expressed my displeasure. I only focused on the good times, which were few and far between. But constantly bottling it up is making me resentful because it is so one-sided now, one person doing the giving while the other just takes.
I don't want to live like this. I deserve a husband who wants to be a husband to me and not in name only. I don't want to be going to bed every night on my own only to wake up at 1:00am to let my husband in. I don't want this anymore.
 


my dear it's not time for self-pity.u've got to do something.not saying u should fight back.but show him more love than u have.let him realise and know that inspite of the way u're being treated,u still kia and will remain his wife.it has worked for people and am sure with prayers if u are a good xtian will work for u.all the best.

Dear Olumoke, thank you a zillion times for this life changing post. It was quite a long one but it made an interesting read. I have sent the link to my fiancee and she's read it too. She found it very interesting and educative. I agree totally with everything that's pencilled down in the write-up. Most marriages fail because pips refused to take-in the fact that marriage is all about making sacrifices, learning and re-learning on daily basis.

I have also taken time to read the response from other nairaland members. They all have in one way or the other impacted positively in my life. I have always positioned myself to be the best husband (God help me) and build a solid and enviable home. This is an add-on to and is "The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth".

To 'Arielle ' I'd say, go down on your knees, pray to the Almighty father in heaven, He will not close his eyes to your weepings. Secondly, search withing yourself; are there skeletons in your cupboard? Did he become your husband naturally? If your answers are on the affairmative, then you have nothing to worry about. Just like jydewalker's wife did, try something in that line to bring back the fire in your marriage but don't kill yourself at the end.

Jydewalker, sorry for your loss even though it sounded more like a fiction. It however is very educative.

the truth about the matter is that a lot of men dont come up with nauthy characters after marraige but their wives push them to doing those things aformentioned.

men genarally are loving and caring species, but in a case wher your wife suddenly becomes arogant and full of self pride.

the truth still remains that despite the fact the things are rosy when they are culting as in exchange of pleasantaries,cards and flower, the moment they are married, the husband now assumes a new level of resposibilties.

he would have to care for the wife, the home and extended family as in the case in nigeria.

hence the wife would not expect thesame level of attention she usualy get when they are dating.

the wife now tends to be apprehensive but men in our egoistic manner would not accept this, the woman now result to been arogant and unrully.

i thing women should check them selves and turn a new leaf for them to enjoy their husbands.

believe you me if a man is given all the attention he needed he would hardly misbehave.

True talk, Pain is Love

delino:

the truth about the matter is that a lot of men don't come up with nauthy characters after marraige but their wives push them to doing those things aformentioned.

men genarally are loving and caring species, but in a case wher your wife suddenly becomes arogant and full of self pride.

the truth still remains that despite the fact the things are rosy when they are culting as in exchange of pleasantaries,cards and flower, the moment they are married, the husband now assumes a new level of resposibilties.

he would have to care for the wife, the home and extended family as in the case in nigeria.

hence the wife would not expect thesame level of attention she usualy get when they are dating.

the wife now tends to be apprehensive but men in our egoistic manner would not accept this, the woman now result to been arogant and unrully.

i thing women should check them selves and turn a new leaf for them to enjoy their husbands.

believe you me if a man is given all the attention he needed he would hardly misbehave.

STFU! What shit are you chatting?

Some one sent me this Note. it has helped me define my marriage. Hope it does same  for you!!!

b]Finding & Keeping a Life Partner [/b]

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding



Mr. /Miss Right!



If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,

they'll say: "We're in love". I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:

"You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone". You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?

You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.



Two things can happen in a marriage:

(1) You can grow together, or

(2) You can grow apart.
50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" ;or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one.

Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.



QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions.

Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ".So ask your significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?

Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.



There are essentially two types of people in the world:

(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth, and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.
You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4:  How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:

How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.
How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything;

Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.



QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention Of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse". If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.



In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The
key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; so be sure
to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in
love
is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you
don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your
homework.



Another perspective,
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance,
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least
minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going
anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention,
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones
discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are
going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel
Better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really
understand, know, or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and

truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets
to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your
life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye". Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that
important.



Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and
compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships,
past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make
someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you
won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness
or
responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.



WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT



If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Good Luck in your Marriage!!