Hello everyone,

I am akata, an african american woman who is dating an Igbo man. We are both 51 years old and we have been seeing each other for about a year. I really love him and find him exotic and fascinating due to him being from Lagos. I love his accent and everything about him. BUT.....there are so many things that make me wonder if some of his behaviour is cultural, or if he is just full of crap and wanting sex. We have been intimate about 2 months after we met. I was married but my husband passed away very young. My man was married but got a divorce. His exwife did something too embarrasing to him to mention. So because of her and his divorce(she is akata too), his family have a bad impression of african american women and so he has not introduced me to his mother or any of his family members. I suspect they don't even know he is dating anyone. He also is a christian and very active in his church. He also will not invite me to go to church with him because he said that his position in the church will make him look like a hypocrite if he shows up with me and we are not married. Another thing, he is a cab driver and works so very hard and I know that his job is unpredictable and hard to have time for us. But I am and have been patient with all the "rules" of our relationship. I try to schedule to make dinner for him or want to go out with him, but he is too busy and that I understand because time is money. He lives with and supports his elderly mother. He is pretty private with personal things but I give him his space and just enjoy his company when I can. He gets angry when I dont answer his phonecalls in a timely manner or his texts, but sometimes I text him and he doesn't return my text until the next day. Sometimes he calls me and sometimes he doesn't. I dont stress about it because I know his is working and driving. But recently I saw his cab parked in another spot-somewhere where I knew he didn't live. I questioned him about it and he tells me that he moved. He had to move because of the rent going up....but he moved about 2 months before I saw his cab parked there. Why would he not tell me he moved? What would be a reason to leave that out? He said that maybe he was wrong to not tell me and that it happened so fast. Moving takes time and does not happen fast. We are both too old for games and at 51 should be way past them. He is a very different man and has an over amount of pride. I just don't understand why he didn't tell me. We don't live together and I suppose he doesn't have to tell me, but me as the woman in his life, I would think he would share that with me as I share everthing going on with me. To be honest I think he got evicted and because he has so much pride didn't want to talk about it or tell me because he is ashamed. But he should feel comfortable to tell me anything by now. I could have helped!!
Should I end this or is this relationship worth saving. He is very sweet and romantic and a fantasic lover. He doesn't like to kiss as much as I do but he is so handsome and all man. I haven't spoken to him in a week because I am hurt that he didn't tell me he moved. So I sent him a text - kind of a stern but respectful text and he hasn't text me back or called. I guess he is through with me too. He did come to my house to talk about why he didn't tell me but he was pissed because I said it didn't make sense to keep this from me, then he just said 'I have apologized and I don't want talk about this anymore!" and he stormed out. I miss him already. How will I know if he misses me or even wants to continue our relationship?

It seems you really love this man and are ready to share your life with someone again, but he is not ready to commit. It doesn't seem like he will give you the companionship and love you deserve.

Oh dear ! You no wat I want you to go shopping today,then picnic tomoro,take out time to plan for christmas.visit to orphanage the next day.on the fourth day I want you to look ur best go clubbing.then on the fifth look for as sexy as you can look for him where ever he may be cos you re gonna walk up to him,look him in the eye and tell him "look mister I am a grown American woman I love you with my whole life and I can do anything for u all you need is say it and I need you to tell me if you love me same way too" then you wait for a response.if he grabs and kiss you then you have ur man, but if he tries to explain situations and event to u run dear,RUN for ur life.

Madam, talk 2 some elders. There are too many kids on NL.

Only you ask question, only you answer.
What do you now want us to say?? The solution to your question is already the title of ur thread.

STOP PULLING YOU G-STRING DOWN SOUTH WHEN HE LOOKS IN THAT DIRECTION

madone: Oh dear ! You no wat I want you to go shopping today,then picnic tomoro,take out time to plan for christmas.visit to orphanage the next day.on the fourth day I want you to look ur best go clubbing.then on the fifth look for as sexy as you can look for him where ever he may be cos you re gonna walk up to him,look him in the eye and tell him "look mister I am a grown American woman I love you with my whole life and I can do anything for u all you need is say it and I need you to tell me if you love me same way too" then you wait for a response.if he grabs and kiss you then you have ur man, but if he tries to explain situations and event to u run dear,RUN for ur life.

Ur jokin ryt.. I dey suspect u... r u d man.

It seems the guy has been taking u on a ride all the while.To start with no Igbo man is of Lagos origin coupled with all the secrecy about his personal life.Better move on with ur life.

Did u say u both are 51yrs old? Abeg leav all doz kind mata for small children, leav breakdance for small kids abeg

Madam abeg nor come spoil us oh. We still be children for dis game.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I did not know that most of the people on this site were youngsters. I apologize for bringing my grown folks problems to you young people. I guess I want you all to know that this stuff happens to us older people too....it doesn't matter what age you are. We can all learn from each other, no matter how young or old you are. Some younger people are wiser than some people who are older. It is all about life experiences. I must say that I guess in my heart I know what I need to do, but I just wanted someone to validate what I am feeling. I love this man, he is a man that is dedicated and goes to church EVERY Sunday, so part of me just does not want to believe that a man that has such a close and sincere relationship with God would be so selfish. I know hehas a lot of pride, and I am a woman that makes good money. He has never asked me for anything, and when I know he needs something, I offer but he gets defensive and I guess that is also a pride issue, maybe cultural. Thank you again to everyone. I just hate to think I will have to move on but I know I do. I just thought that by our ages, the foolishness would be over because we are both to old and don't have time for games. Bless you all!!!

U said his family hav a bad impression of african american woman. Is dis reason nt enof 4 u 2 find d nxt exit and move on wit ur lif? My dear i dnt tnk u wil b welcm in dat family

I do realize that but I was hoping that since he is 51 years old, that he convince his mother not to judge all african american women as her. I certainly don't judge all nigerian men as those that are scammers, cheaters and liars, all that the internet say they are. I have accepted that we cannot be together but it is a shame because he is such a handsome, sweet(at times) and wonderful man. Thank you for responding.

If he has never trick u into parting with ur money or properties or doesn't care about ur financial status and isn't in a hurry to get married with u then I think u should still try ur best to be with him.

One thing any ibo man will do extra for is money (ego) so of the money thing isn't the reason he is with u then u are safe there. Another is the "green card" thing that everybody wants, and from the look of things he already got a job and working as a taxi driver which he prolly can't do without the proper documentation. So I think if he ain't about the money or about the green card then I'm pretty sure it has to be about the love. Don't lose him over flimsy reason. Good luck.


FYI: Every Nigerian or most Nigerian men have pride. Pride is not arrogance or deceit.

Exponental: Madam, talk 2 some elders. There are too many kids on NL.

the last time i checked wisdom is not in age.evidence- the river state house of assembly saga where elderly men where exchanging blows etc.



If wisdom was in age,we wont have useless people about who behave as though they dont have any parent or family member

WTF are you still doing in the relationship?. the nice things about him is not even "up to three sentences" BUT the bad/negative things about me is large enough for DAN BROWN or CHINUA ACHEBE to write a novel about.

You shouldn't be opening a thread about this, quit the parasitic relationship already. The relationship is headed for the rocks, that's if it hasn't hit the rocks already.

He's exotic and you like him because he's from lagos?. But his demerits is too much - secrecy, moving out without telling you, lies, can't introduce to his family nor his church cos he's KNACKING you.. Mehn, quit the blood sucking relationship. Any other advice is an EPIC FAIL

Poster, you got some good advice here but move to family section now, there are more adults.

Try talking to him first. Pour out your heart to him the way you have done on this thread. If he doesn't change, then it's time to move on.

carefreewannabe: Poster, you got some good advice here but move to family section now, there are more adults.

@Poster
You could try posting it in the thread below from the family section; but be sure to read through the thread first; you might just find your answer there.

www.nairaland.com/1444825/abused-wives-girlfriends-men

quivah: ma'am please take a leave...it ain't worth it.
It seems to him,he's all that matters.
Im sure you know he wouldn't take it nicely if it were the other way round with the accommodation issue..

And no,it ain't a cultural behavior..its his individual.

By the way, are you sure he is really without a wife?

And to know if he still wants the relationship,I would have said his communication strenght will tell, but I remember hes got a lotta pride,maybe that's what is stopping him from talking..

But still I advice you walk out!.

Lady, what's your problem?

Me thinks you want more than he is willing to give.

@Kfm...
I was pleasantly surprised to find out you are 51...It's really hard to find a partner for some women above 40. I feel he was ashamed to tell you about the reason he moved.
If he has been telling you personal things before, this should be no different except he feels it would belittle him in your eyes.
Life is too short for games, you guys should make up and redefine the relationship, tell him what you want and know what he can give. Wishing you a happy relationship.

Thank you everyone....I am so sorry I didn't mean to burden anyone with my issue....I just wanted validation and perhaps another point of view. When you are hurting or when something doesn't make sense, sometimes it takes another person's point of view to help see a clear picture, or the other side because my side is the only one I see, and my perception is clouded because I am also trying to protect my heart. I do feel he loves me because of things he does and says, and I can tell he has so much pride and doesn't want to be ashamed or belittled, not that I would every do that because I honestly love him unconditionally. I think he is afraid to trust that my love is unconditional or maybe he is just not that used to unconditional love. He came to America in his early 40's and is pretty traditionally Igbo so he was raised by proud Nigerian parents. Life is to short for games or grudges. That's why I am so torn. I am not saying I am ready to marry him, but I like being with him and hoped to spend much if not all of whatever years God blesses me with, with him. I will end my post now. I truely appreciate all the time and kind words you all have posted. Imela

You're not being a burden by coming here. Follow your instincts and good luck with everything.

My final advice to u sis as a brother is to give ur man time to swallow his pride, keep showing him love, overwhelm him with it. As long as no fact point to those 2 points I raised earlier and another is infidelity. If you haven't caught him in any suspicious act or found any evidence then I don't see no reason why other stuff should bother u. A lot of woman have lost their "Prince Charming" because they aren't patient enough and fear what they don't understand.You have no reason to worry about a man who hasn't shown any sign of unfaithfulness or any dubious tendency. And pls these pple discouraging don't have the full concrete idea of the foundation and status of ur relationship. They don't know how it all started and will never know how it'll end. I'll advise u to hold on to ur man. Good luck.

Life is too short for game, go to him and redefine your relationship. Y'all both adult!

Let him know how you feel and move on.
Instead of assuming, go talk with him and you both come up with a solution.
Goodluck

D issues are 1,he hasn't or doesn't introduce u openly to his family and friends .more like he is ashamed of u or smetin 2, he makes major decisions wit out discussin it wit u.... All this are major RED FLAGS in relationships but I don't think u shd quit yet .just give it a little more time.but be reasonable at 51 it isn't easy for a woman to get a potential mate SO dnt rush leavin him jst giv it time,talk wit him NT NAGIN

BabaEleko:
If he has never trick u into parting with ur money or properties or doesn't care about ur financial status and isn't in a hurry to get married with u then I think u should still try ur best to be with him.

One thing any ibo man will do extra for is money (ego) so of the money thing isn't the reason he is with u then u are safe there. Another is the "green card" thing that everybody wants, and from the look of things he already got a job and working as a taxi driver which he prolly can't do without the proper documentation. So I think if he ain't about the money or about the green card then I'm pretty sure it has to be about the love. Don't lose him over flimsy reason. Good luck.


FYI: Every Nigerian or most Nigerian men have pride. Pride is not arrogance or deceit.

excellent!