It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

------------------------------------------

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn`t been feeling well

and wants to find out if he`s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out

with the results of the examination.

"I`m afraid I have some bad news. You`re dying and you don`t have much

time, " the doctor says.

"Oh no, that`s terrible. How long have I got? " The man asks.

"10. . . " Says the doctor.

"10? 10 What? Months? Weeks? What?! " He asks desperately.

"10. . . 9. . . 8. . . 7. . . "


--------------------------------------------------------

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son

-- Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

-- Son : "I will choose my own bride".

-- Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates`s daughter. "

-- Son : "Well, in that case. . . "

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.

-- Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter. "

-- Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry. "

-- Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank. "

-- Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case. . . "

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

-- Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. "

-- President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need. "

-- Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates`s son-in-law. "

-- President: "Ah, in that case. . . . . "

------------------------------------------------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with

a fly swatter.

"What are you doing? " She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any? " She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell? "

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone! "

-------------------------------------------

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering, " - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal


-------------------------------------------

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"


----------------------------------------
A college student talks to God

O Lord, hear my anxious plea

Calculus is killing me

I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'

And probably won't until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour

As I take my case to the highest power.

I care not for fame or loot

Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see

One passing mark in organic chemistry.

Oh such a thing I constantly dread

I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign

That you've been listening all the time.

Please lead me out of this constant coma

And give me a shot at my diploma.
------------------------------------------


A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

-------------------------------------------

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir

------------------------
Public Speaking

------------ Recently our speaker had to discontinue several of his long talks on account of his throat. Several people threatened to cut it.

---------------You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no introduction. Well, I have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can get.

---------------Our speaker needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.

----------------Our speaker will not bore you with a long speech, he can do it with a short one.

---------------You've been a wonderful audience, you stayed.




--------------------------------------------

I Could Use a Little Money

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad


-------------------------------


A lesson about blood flow and circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

ROTLMAO!! the last one is very funny!!

lol

Nella:



Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir

--------------------------------
A lesson about blood flow and circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

lol! little Jonnies,

Nice one Nella.

lol

u too try

I.like.it.

I like your name better NELLA

@ Jeovy,

People dey appreciate joke u dey appreciate my name abi? lol, thanx



--------------

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

--------------------------------------------------------------


Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, [/b]listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
[b]If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
[b]If you are delusiona[/b]l and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Nella:

"What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

LOL This one got me cracking.

u go girl

nella,
nelly,
kelly,
wendy,
penny,
naughty

but cool

Stop am,she is already taken

haha Jeovy! lol,

olulu:


u go girl

nella,
nelly,
kelly,
wendy,
penny,
naughty

but cool

To think there is only two out of ur list that I haven't been called . . . . yet, lol

------------------------------------

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

----------------------------------------

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

-------------------------------------------


"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

-------------------------------------------
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

------------------------------------


A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

--------------------------------

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

MODERN DAVID

Loool!!

nella makes me holla,
d way u unleash dis jokes u want me to spray u dollars,

just like songs by r.kelly,
ur jokes are worth every penny,

glad u aint haughty,
but am willing to make u naughty,

so lets get kinky,
maybe u change ur name to nelly.

cos when its hot in here,
its all u bare.




u go girl

Plsssssssss i am looking for my dog
has anyone seen it?



nella that pics is so funny

Nice pics,nice joke NELLA

~Enjoyed Reading Your Jokes ~

Thanks, na 4 enjoyment   

EFOSA VAL:

Plsssssssss i am looking for my dog
has anyone seen it?



nella that pics is so funny

Oh MY GOD AND MY LORD!! --- WHHHHAT A DOG!! LMAO.

olulu:

nella makes me holla,
d way u unleash this jokes u want me to spray u dollars,

just like songs by r.kelly,
your jokes are worth every penny,

glad u aint haughty,
but am willing to make u naughty,

so lets get kinky,
maybe u change your name to nelly.

because when its hot in here,
its all u bare.



u go girl

  haha, lol lol lmao, u get talent nobi small 


@ topic



A Seal have been missing for the past 11 hours, the whole team is working very hard to find it. (  Scroll bellow 4 pix)
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smart blonde

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Nice one. thumbs up

I liked the modern David. Well done.

Why you no go like am when ona share something in common.

wetin dem share in common?

Na from my mouth you wan hear say pastor give girl belle ?

See the adam apple of the Dog

reminds me of Jaymobb

ituen:

See the adam apple of the Dog

reminds me of Jaymobb

lol, lmao, and do u hate Jaymob that much!?

ben~jay:

Na from my mouth you wan hear say pastor give girl belle ?

lol, nobi your mouth start am?? so, complete am

the doggieee  my pet! I've been looking 4 it all over!!

_{Nella, lose the glases}

My sister, if u see jaymobb when hunger wan kill am b4 my timely interventtion eh. . . .you for talk say the dog na JAYMOBB sef

I knew their was something wrong with that guy. . . . hmmmm.