All right, seems evri1 has taken dis personal, csam jx km in,n cudnt even spell d word advice. Tnkss to doz wu drop advices.
Lookerz, show's ova

Am still reading it but to clear up a bit of confusion I had.

Remember not every reader knows every Nigerian name so when you want 'oyinborise' your character's speech (in the obvious absence of descriptions) make it clear. - The first thing Amaka says is "Tommy" so I read on thinking TOMIWA is a man but she is woman - So Amaka's speech is wrong - she should say "Tommie" (as for female) and not "Tommy"... male form.

Ok I'm back to reading.

Ok I've read it. I have one question...

"...Are all Nigerian writer's virgins?"

The rate at which our country people dey drop sproglets I wonder why when we write it it comes out... errrrmmmmm well odd; like say we no know wetin e be.

VillageBoi: Ok I've read it. I have one question...

"...Are all Nigerian writer's virgins?"

The rate at which our country people dey drop sproglets I wonder why when we write it it comes out... errrrmmmmm well odd; like say we no know wetin e be.

Is that all you have to say? Villageboi, abeg scrutinize the script and tell the OP about his strengths and the things he should work on.

He posted his script in the literature section but I asked him to post it here because of seasoned ppl LIKE YOU who won't spare words but at the end of the day help one to improve in the craft.

Read the script again and write your epistle abeg

@OP, I was very tired yesterday night. Would read your work today.

sholay2011:
Is that all you have to say?

Yup... that is all I have to say. (might change my mind if I have time much later).

I probably will one day compile all script threads where any advice has been given and then have one easy link for people to click

I'm not a criticizing type, but i've been waiting for my oga(villageboi, sholay,prof etc)'s in the house to first lay comments about this script before i could comment, but i can see that oga villageboi was very kind with this script (if u really know him wella), cos i've been there. The only thing i love about this script is the plot (ignoring that it's too predictable). The first flaws i noticed as started reading was your first description that tells us abt a lady that walks up to a couple's dining, and i say WTF was that, who a hell is the lady, hw old is she? Thru out the 1st scene i finally dnt get whom the lady was, cos she met chuks (cos he's the only male in the scene) in the dining i bliv, u forgot to tell or show us who and who was in the dining and who walks up to them.

I wanted to stop reading from there, bt thank GOD that i was drinking a hot tea, so i decide 2 continue.

Your script lacks extensions, e.g

TOMIWA CONT'D
The right order is:

TOMIWA (CONT'D)

U made it to look more like an action line. Parenthetical were used wrongly. Why did u CAPS LOCK's ur action lines? Conversations, characters directions sucks. Is it possible for AMAKA to ask and answer her own question?(it might be a mistake). She asked a question and then...

AMAKA
sure we will.

I don't know about others that read ur script, but frankly speaking i personally DO NOT KNOW, GET, UNDERSTAND ur characters, are they ghosts that only speaks to each other. Like my oga villageboi normally says, that it takes a re-write to write a good script. Nice effort though, keep it up, u'll always do better.

@ villageboi, virgin as in? if I get u, some lines were refined, not crude abi, all tnks to d moderator, buh tnks 4 criticism, rily appr8 d feedback, will wrk on it

@Sholay, Yes Boss, hpn 4 ur reply

@ tonyayo...? u wnt me to state d lady's age thr or WAT?
Predictable? d 1st page, u read of chuks n tomiwa,k. tell me, immediately, u flipd 2 sule n lucy's u knew sule was gonn b wit tommy? Na lie, I no bliv u pin pin
Didnt u rid d word 'couple', u shld perceive daz d ppl at d table, broz, so d lady grtd sm1 1st which was d babe sitted wit her guy!
means dey must b frnds
Aprt frm diz, I accept d rem of. ur criticisms (i bliv u didnt see d picture I paintd frm d strt, cos dis is a shrt film f 15 pgs, av u seen rango, d conflict started frm d start bro)
Em, d Amaka answern herself prt shud'v bn Tomiwa answerin, my bad
Tnks boss, I apprec8 ur opinion n yea, will work on d leakssss, Sir

@OP....I have read it.

One, please learn to vividly describe your scenes. You didn't tell us how many ppl were in the restaurant, what age range Amaka, Tomiwa and Chuks fall in and their body features. The age range would help during casting. You shouldn't leave anything to the reader's or viewer's imagination.

Two, your mistake of assigning the wrong lines to the characters (like Amaka speaking instead of Tomiwa) is a grave mistake and that almost killed my interest in reading your script. And pls, Tommy is a masculine name o. Kinda confused me about Tommy's gender at the beginning. This is why description is vital...even if the girl bears masculine name sef.

Three, the dialogue was fast-paced which I like but there are some wacky lines there.

Four, I didn’t 'feel' the story as a whole to be sincere. But I commend your effort. You can always get better bro. Welcome to TV/Movies section.

https://www.nairaland.com/1449649/nigerian-horror-story-short-film

The above is a link to a short script I wrote of recent. Though, it's far from perfect and I'm still learning too, you would learn the description stuff I pointed out and also get how important it is for the storyline to be quite engaging, especially for a short script where interesting characters can't be fully fleshed out. You can also go to the Tv/Movies section library thread to check out other scripts to learn one or two things. Best wishes.

Cool

danielmay16: Cool

Is that for my 'advice' here or the short script I recommended?

WTF!!? Responding to a writing topic in 'text-speak' is a joke right? Are you too lazy to write properly? And you want to be taken seriously?
I think you even wrote a couple of lines in the script in text-speak! Duh!!

Read your script aloud and then you will understand a bit more of what Sholay was saying to you about the dialogue - For instance (one tiny example) -

SULE
I wish I could just drown myself, but I can’t!
I don’t know how to swim

Did that 'head-scratching' dialogue really make any sense to you? I should hope not. Or it has WTF are you talking about moments as below

CHUKS
Who’s she anyway?

AMAKA
She owns this place

CHUKS
(Hides surprise)
Really! Not bad…not bad at all for a lady, with that size; smelt it from far

Honesly, who knows what you mean? Your script is confusing from the very start. The major flaw is no one - not you, not me, not anyone on this site has ever met any people that speak the way your characters do?
We get it's a scrip about - A is f*cking B, B is f*cking C and C is f*cking D then we get E & F - who the hell are Lucy & Tayo? That long scene for uber minor characters just to tie Sule to Tomiwa? What was the point of it?

And yes - we still write relationships or s.e.xual stuff like we are holy virgins. Even Nollywood should never have a kiss because we are so ridiculously childish about it. Too fake, too fake, too fake!

Ok this is what you should do -

Read as many scripts as you can so you will understand why everyone has an issue with your script. Don't run before you can walk. There are a lot online (you just have to search for them) and there are quite a few on this site too.

Having said that - on the whole it is an interesting enough cliche story but not written well enough. Keep on reading, keep on practising and you just might get there.

^^^^^ @ Villageboi. ..I agree totally wiv dis. Now you're talking [s]though you were spitting fire sha amidst your comment[/s] .

@OP, pls note all the things Tony nd Villageboi have suggested. Much more, try going to the library of this section and check scripts like 'Mothering Heights', 'Eye for an eye', 'Evil genius', 'Paranoia' etc. You would get one thing or two from the scripts and the comments/corrections made on them.

Goodluck.

^^^^
greetings to the Boss.
----
OP...Welcome here.
First, I should let you know that 'we' here are only helpers. Our goal is to encourage screenwriters and help them improve in craft. So that one day, hopefully one of ours can get an eye at the oscars. And there would be a richer content in our movie industry.
But I should also ask you "are you a scriptwriter for movies that suit even the 'Idumota homeVideos?''.
Or "are you a screenwriter writing for the big screens?"
So please which are you?
cos the two are two different ball games.

prof800:
But I should also ask you "are you a scriptwriter for movies that suit even the 'Idumota homeVideos?''.
Or "are you a screenwriter writing for the big screens?"
So please which are you?
cos the two are two different ball games.

Prof I'm trying not to be bad but you wan kill me with laff nah! Why did you bring tears to my eyes.
PS - That thumbs up like you got... I'm very sure is from 'The Boss'

VillageBoi:

Prof I'm trying not to be bad but you wan kill me with laff nah! Why did you bring tears to my eyes.
PS - That thumbs up like you got... I'm very sure is from 'The Boss'

You are not serious oh. I liked his post but I'm not 'the Boss'. This is really a sign of end tym. Let's all be careful. Boss ko, actor ni.

It's you and Prof that are 'the Bosses'. I hail.

^ ^ ^
Oh you knew we meant YOU. Na you be our 'Oga at the Top'... we dey hail you, how bodi?

danielmay16: Sup guys...
(kindly welcome me well wink

Oh dear, you're a newbie. Welcome to NL... tight ya seat belt for the ride!

VillageBoi:

PS - That thumbs up like you got... I'm very sure is from 'The Boss'

Yes. The Boss..exactly from him. He's now a Boss.
You are the...errmmm...SuperBoss!
----
You know the writer needs to 'identify' himself before he hears the additional brand of criticisms.
If na 'alaba' writer then what I will post will make no meaning to him...but if he is aspiring for the screens and serious about screenwriting, I will add two lines to your comments above which will help him improve if he follows them.

@ sholay, ur advice

@villageman
u knw d reason y many ppl r whr dey r 4kn r 2day, its cos dey'r livin n doin tins normally n properly
u luv quentin tarantino's writings?
suscrib 2 his sites, gt yr hnds on his materials. Some tink he's gud, som fil he's obsessed wit blood n stuffs n his xcters r not down2earth
D u kno writers r crazy ppl?
I knw, cos i'm; i'm evri f of my xcters, I speak lik dem, some xcters were inspired by oda ppl,
wu talks lyk WICKE in jack d giant slayer?
I knw ppl, wu do. take a tym out, av u eva tried writing n animatiom script, u gotta b crazy enuf to tink crazy to do dat
Av u seen safety not guaranteed? d villain of batman? av u seen "I giv it a year?" av u hrd of smeagol? av u seen forgettin sarah marshalls? d u write comedy? GUESS NOT
I tink u shud dwnld chimamanda's interview on Ted Talks, n see life in dynamics
u tink writin properly wins u n Oscar? guess wat, ur pals too r writin properly n gettn screend d 4kd out
if u wanna understand a script, km down to d xcters level, becomin dem, b n actor, mind u, actn is reactn
I write behind closed doors so ppl wnt tink im mad, u tink I dnt read it out loud?
if u wnt a synopsis to understnd my script no p, directors dnt want stories, dnt teach dem dier work
av got a friend,studied at New York Film Academy now director, mailed it to him, WU TINKS ITS GR8 n never a nigerian script cud impress him(PROF, UR ANSWER ITS 4 OSCARS N EVRIBODY, BOTH WHYT N BLACK), wnt mention his name, but villageboi, ur criticism is SOMEHOW
u talk about virgins n stuff, d script above has been moderated, I didnt put stuffs lyk, naughty lady, poo n likes, ask d moderator.
im not a virgin, but if I km bak to earth again, i'l stay 1 til marriage cos relationships r wacky n hrtbrks
I tink u guys shud strt readn both foreign n home scripts, esp foreign if u wnt n oscar
get d pdf's, av a fav writer u use style to look up2 bt nt fotocopy dem 4 evri genre u write
Nevertheless m glad about d critcisms, lets learn frm ich oda
Apprc8 u guys much

VillageBoi: ^ ^ ^
Oh you knew we meant YOU. Na you be our 'Oga at the Top'... we dey hail you, how bodi?

SuperBoss, ayam fain o.

@sholay chk ur link, I commented thr
Respect to all

danielmay16: @sholay chk ur link, I commented thr
Respect to all

Yeah, I've replied. Tnx.

Btw, stop writing in 'short hand'. It hurts the eyes.

And I still dnt get the argument you made above?

Aww...Mr Sholay, pls read it again then, a bit slower than b4
Tnks 4 co-op
I'm at work, jx km here to mix, u knw, so cnt afford skippin tym so shrthnd'z gotta b it, sowie

prof800:
You know the writer needs to 'identify' himself before he hears the additional brand of criticisms.

Despite his original post for asking such, it's definitely not what he wants to hear!

sholay2011:
Btw, stop writing in 'short hand'. It hurts the eyes.
And I still dnt get the argument you made above?

Line 1 - He didnt get it first time around.
Line 2 - Not sure anyone will get it.

VillageBoi:

Line 1 - He didnt get it first time around.
Line 2 - Not sure anyone will get it.

Tnx for clarifying.

can we pls b blunt n hit d mark?

this script is crap. @op you should learn to crawl first before running. you need to hone your writing skills and moreso your script is so damm confusing.

Tadon200: this script is crap. @op you should learn to crawl first before running. you need to hone your writing skills and moreso your script is so damm confusing.

Pls, is dis Tade Ogidan?

danielmay16: can we pls b blunt n hit d mark?

What mark are you trying to hit? What exactly do you want? Try to explain to us and then we might now how to answer that.

danielmay16: Aww...Mr Sholay, pls read it again then, a bit slower than b4
Tnks 4 co-op
I'm at work, jx km here to mix, u knw, so cnt afford skippin tym so shrthnd'z gotta b it, sowie

Bro...you be case. Wats d meaning of the thing you wrote up there?

Are you serious that "a friend of yours" from New York Film Academy saw this script and APPROVED it to be okay I don't believe it. This script is close to crap, especially with the grave mistake of even writing lines under the wrong characters. Who does that?

Bro, that "friend of yours at NYFA" may not want to hurt your feelings if he truly gave this script a pass mark. Villageboi sef go film school; so, not everyone here is talking based on speculation and read-ups.

And the way you described scriptwriting as if it's the first step to insanity kinda scares me. Though, not that I'm refuting your claim. Everyone knows what works for him or her. But this script is far from okay!

PS: There is nothing like foreign and home scripts IMO. The same principles are used in writing both. You can only have foreign and home stories or plots. Bro, this script is not okay as either a foreign or domestic one

^ ^ ^
Sholay, you try well-well to even read the txt junk this guy writes. I didn't have a clue what he said

If he's going to write like that then he's honestly not serious and quite frankly ridiculous if he thinks people are going to waste their time trying to figure out wtf he's saying!
Far too unprofessional in my opinion!