IgboWifeUSA:

This cycle of married people being attracted to outsiders seems to be too accepted by this society these days. Lust will never lead to a good thing and sin starts with the eyes. I love my husband and of course i dont want a broken family or home. Im just dissappointed after watching soo many people go throuh this, why did i have to become one of the statictics. i dont jump to conclusions but i have a habit of planning for the future using the "just incase" method.
i chose to come here because if i go to my mother about this, Hell will break loose for all of us.

you might as well make your hubby blind so he cannot stare at another woman. a 10ml of hydrochloric acid sprayed on his cornea should do the job. you go girl!!!

@ Poster . . .

I can't decide who is the bigger child between you and your husband!

Phema:

Hell will let loose because he stared? What if he slept with the said woman and even impregnated her? What will your mum do? Pluck out his eyes? Commit suicide? Oh Puhlease! Stop giving yourself high blood pressure cos your man stared at a Woman! You are making mountain out of a molehill. He is a MAN and heterosexual (I assume). If he doesn't stare at a woman, who will he stare at?

And yeah, if i see an extremely-handsome-six pack dude, I stare too! You stare, I stare, God no go vex.

This one I can stand and disagree with. I am fully aware that we are humans and are built to be attracted to the opposite sex in order to marry. But not all humans are the same and religion obviously plays a role. i starred at men before the marriage because a single person is free to do so, but the bible advises men to enjoy their wife and avoid the adultress. I dont remember the part that says look and dont touch.
But from what i am reading in many post, many women have grown to accept the behavior by using these cover up techniques of joking and laughing.
Forgiveness is not the issue here but i will definately admit its trust. Other behavioral changes added to my discomfort such as not wanting me to touch the phone anymore, leaving it on silent, or him starring if im holding the phone. now who can help solve this mystery or will everyone say once again calm down.

i hope he didnt use you to get a greencard...

If he did, he is likely to breakup with you soon and marry the person he really wants to marry (usually a Nigerian)

Even halle berry's bf stares at other women tsk tsk

Dear igbowifeusa,
First off wake up. Wash your face and look at reality, men would stare it's just natural. I dunno how old you are or how much you have been into the business of understanding men but men and women are fundamentally different in the way we function. To say he should not look would be akin to him letting hell loose because you have your monthly pms. While some women handle it better than other all women have the same issues and it's not their fault we know it's the hormones, men stare it's a fact you have to live with and it has no bearing on if he is cheating on you or not.

I don't also think he started now and perhaps after the birth of a second child you are worried about how you look physically and as such have become more conscious of the things he does that makes it look like he does not worship your body anymore. My advice is make it not look like an issue, joke about it prod and probe and tease him each time he looks, ask him in a joking way to tell you what is fascinating him.

Finally, wake up, wash your face and look at reality, you are his wife, the mother of his kids, unless you got married to a complete 'werey' man worry not he knows that ass and boobs abound in the world he might look but in the end he knows why he put a ring on your finger, let him know you trust that he chose you.

[quote
author=Chanchit]I'm not married but I think I should add what I think
from a guy's view. Stop complaining about the act, but let him knw you
know when he's staring, you can smile a lil' bit if ur feelings permit.
It would make him feel guilty but he won't be able to tell you. [/quote] Seconded u have said it all. u must be a wife material.

IgboWifeUSA:

This one I can stand and disagree with. I am fully aware that we are humans and are built to be attracted to the opposite sex in order to marry. But not all humans are the same and religion obviously plays a role. i starred at men before the marriage because a single person is free to do so, but the bible advises men to enjoy their wife and avoid the adultress. I dont remember the part that says look and dont touch.
But from what i am reading in many post, many women have grown to accept the behavior by using these cover up techniques of joking and laughing.
Forgiveness is not the issue here but i will definately admit its trust. Other behavioral changes added to my discomfort such as not wanting me to touch the phone anymore, leaving it on silent, or him starring if im holding the phone. now who can help solve this mystery or will everyone say once again calm down.

So, now what do you want to do? He stares at women, so what? Did he have an £rection while at it? How does starring equal cheating? That he's married doesn't make him blind. It only means that he sees the beautiful creatures of God but has chosen to stick to one.

I honestly feel you are insecure for reasons best known to you. Either because you feel you are no longer beautiful after having kids and fear he would cheat or you're just plain insecure.

I tell you, if you continue whinning and nagging him cos of this, you will only be making it worse. Now he will not only stare, he will act on it!

Lastly, if something this infinitesimal is causing such problems in your home, then I fear you are not ready for marriage. People are battling finance, infidelity, childlessness, inlaws etc and still holding on and you are here putting funds away "just in case" because your man starred?

No wonder some "Western marriages" break up for the silliest of reasons.

Hi IgboWifeUSA

Glancing at fine women is almost automatic. Following a pretty lady with your eyes is not automatic, that's a choice. And I'm speaking from my experience as a man. We follow with our eyes when we want to imprint a memory. It's a not a nice thing to do when you have a woman and it's even less nice to do it in the presence of your wife, and positively wicked as welk as iddiotic to say, "you're making me uncomfortable, everybody wants freedom" when she confronts you about it.

It's not a Nigerian thing though. And I wouldn't have known how to advise you about it. I'm glad you did something and he responded. It is not good what he did and if he thinks it's normal and you shouldn't be offended, be very clear to him that you are offended by it. And let me be clear in telling you that it is not normal.

However, his response convinces me that he still values you so keep that in mind. If how you behave matters to him, then leverage on it but don't punish him unnecessarily. Just get his attention enough to show him that you don't want to share his sexxual attention with random ladies on the street. And listen to what he says or does in response to that.

I wish you well, lady

Ujujoan: @ Poster . . .

I can't decide who is the bigger child between you and your husband!

ok, then if we are both childish, i guess we will mature together , as they say birds of a feather eeehh

Ihedinobi: Hi IgboWifeUSA

Glancing at fine women is almost automatic. Following a pretty lady with your eyes is not automatic, that's a choice. And I'm speaking from my experience as a man. We follow with our eyes when we want to imprint a memory. It's a not a nice thing to do when you have a woman and it's even less nice to do it in the presence of your wife, and positively wicked as welk as iddiotic to say, "you're making me uncomfortable, everybody wants freedom" when she confronts you about it.

It's not a Nigerian thing though. And I wouldn't have known how to advise you about it. I'm glad you did something and he responded. It is not good what he did and if he thinks it's normal and you shouldn't be offended, be very clear to him that you are offended by it. And let me be clear in telling you that it is not normal.

However, his response convinces me that he still values you so keep that in mind. If how you behave matters to him, then leverage on it but don't punish him unnecessarily. Just get his attention enough to show him that you don't want to share his sexual attention with random ladies on the street. And listen to what he says or does in response to that.

I wish you well, lady

very straight forward. thank you

IgboWifeUSA:

very straight forward. thank you

You're very welcome.

Theres nothing you can do, he owns his eyes, he will stare if he wants to........ obviously talking about it makes it worse for him.

its good he knows u're on to him, for me, my husband can stare but if he takes it further than that, thats where we'll have a problem.

u guys are still early in marriage, this is the period the nastiness starts, i've learnt to look at marriage through a cynic's eyes, that way i expect anything.

Keneking: What does the other women have that you don't have? Look for it and come back and update the house.

I know im complete package, from the kitchen to the bedroom. That one is not in question. And he has a taste of both worlds because I have lived in Nigeria and can cook anything he desires. I am even learning to master his language. So Im not the average nija wife. What is missing?

IgboWifeUSA: I need some advice. I am american and married to a nigerian igbo man. We have two children and have been married three years. He is changing lately and I noticed some behaviors I didnt like so I asked him about them and he got really angry. I told him that I notice he stares at other women and that its not right. Its not a normal stare, because he will look at them for a long time and his head will follow their direction if they are walking. That day I told him that he stopped talking until the next night when i asked him why wont he talk.
He just went off saying How can i make him feel uncomforatble like this, hes confused about what I said, and then stated that everyone needs freedom.
That obviously didnt solve anything and left me with a bigger trust issue.
I was already having thoughts because he has stopped kissing me. We are still active on a regular basis to say theres a newborn, but whats with the starring. It has slowwed down since that day. But I notice that if he wants to stare he will look at the girl briefly, then check if I see him, then look again as I pretend Im not paying him attention to test him out.
I need help with this because I was completely secure up until this point and this marriage is too fresh to be having issues.

I think you should take it cool. it's not much of a big deal. Am a guy and I can't imagine my wife getting upset with me because I am staring at a hot lady. It's trust issues and you guys should work that out. Give your husband some breathing space and you guys should joke and laugh over issues like this. Not worth having a fit over

Phema:

So, now what do you want to do? He stares at women, so what? Did he have an £rection while at it? How does starring equal cheating? That he's married doesn't make him blind. It only means that he sees the beautiful creatures of God but has chosen to stick to one.

I honestly feel you are insecure for reasons best known to you. Either because you feel you are no longer beautiful after having kids and fear he would cheat or you're just plain insecure.

I tell you, if you continue whinning and nagging him cos of this, you will only be making it worse. Now he will not only stare, he will act on it!

Lastly, if something this infinitesimal is causing such problems in your home, then I fear you are not ready for marriage. People are battling finance, infidelity, childlessness, inlaws etc and still holding on and you are here putting funds away "just in case" because your man starred?

No wonder some "Western marriages" break up for the silliest of reasons.

True talk. Plain and simple!!!!!!!!.
Listen my Sister, you are bothering yourself over nothing. I do look and my wife sees me and sometimes we make a joke out of it; she does not have any issues with it. Looking does not equal to doing. My candid advice to you as a married man is to ignore him or simply make a joke of it and move on. From what you wrote he still love you and that is what matters. Please do not drive him to these girls by nagging him to death.

wen he starts hidding his fone, then u should worry o... me am not married, i wouldnt know w@ to tell you. but starring wen ur wife is by ur side is disrespectful. starring @ all is rude.

Igbo wife i asked your question somewhere else too with some mature posters,some Igbo in origin
http://www.nigeriancircle.com/forum/showthread.php?650-Having-trouble-understanding-my-Nigerian-Husband&p=5567#post5567
Follow up with what the say there to come to the best solution to this problem

kreami diva: Hahahahaha...... .my husband dey look o but with style.(through the side mirror) I no dey complain because my middle name is STARE.

I look at men,boys,girls and women. Sometimes he calls my attention sef! Lol

How about me wey dey point out babes to him sef wey get my kind of assets ( Nkiru and azuka)

He will look and our eyes jam when I catch him looking and we will both start laughing
Every man with a functional Blokoss looks at attractive women
Why should anyone be insecure about that
Personally anything he is looking at,I get am in quantum and not intimidated by any woman out there

This woman is stressing over nothing jare
Life is too short
Thank God I laugh over things like that not stress over them

yellowpawpaw: I think understanding and trust r the missing keys here.
Naturaly, men look. Every man is guilty of that. Provided those two keys r there, hv no fear and worry not.
My hubby looks and even comment!
At times he will tap me and say 'see what this babe is carrying'
We play with dat a lot.
Why will I start worrying myself over such things?
Sometimes I will tap him and say something like' r u lost'? And we will all laugh.
I hv pictures of my fav actors in my house and I openly compliment them b4 hubby.
Abeg, there r more serious issues to worry about. This is def not one of them.
Unless there r underlying issues

I thought I was alone in that
Now that I read you and kreami diva I know say I no dey abnormal

To the highlighted my hubby will make such statement and my response will be something like
Eediot!, shebi na from Church we just dey come,if the trumpet sounds now ,will you make it?
And we both laugh
Then when Maurice Green or some other loaded sprinter would be wearing that leotard and sprinting in slow mo,I will shout nna mehn see package !! Lekwanu Okoloto!!
And we will laugh about it too
Obama will appear on the TV screen and I will say chai,my bobo don grace my screen oooo
People should be able to laugh about such things
That is when you know you married a friend.

We were at a wedding recently and this girl and her cleavage stopped and said hello to us as she went to her table
I turned to my hubby and said this one you are smiling after that girl carried bobby to greet you,did you even hear a word she said
And we started laughing
And it ends right there

you people r really making me laugh. dont worry. me and my honey is closer than before. i appreciate the honest criticism.. i will be asking many question in the future....

sheniqua: Igbo wife i asked your question somewhere else too with some mature posters,some Igbo in origin
http://www.nigeriancircle.com/forum/showthread.php?650-Having-trouble-understanding-my-Nigerian-Husband&p=5567#post5567
Follow up with what the say there to come to the best solution to this problem

nice follow ups. thanks

IgboWifeUSA: you people r really making me laugh. dont worry. me and my honey is closer than before. i appreciate the honest criticism.. i will be asking many question in the future....

I am glad this ended well.
You have a good heart
If you need recipe for some Nigerian dishes please let us know
I will be glad to help

Good to know u learnt a lot from the honest criticism.
Really, I didn't expect such based on threads I've been seeing recently about foreign wives.
May u live and enjoy ur marriage to the fullest.
It is well with u.


Sheniqua, u r right,she is a good woman.
Really good.

I believe your husband has gotten quite bored of the relationship since he had the guts to utter the word FREEdom... I suggest you look for ways to sparkle up the relationship by exercising(if overweight) and dressing se.xy for him to admire.

sheniqua:

I am glad this ended well.
You have a good heart
If you need recipe for some Nigerian dishes please let us know
I will be glad to help

yes, i would love to learn new ones. he loves when i cook. as long as i can find the ingredients. i will post a different thread for recipes
thanks

Mister Dan: I believe your husband has gotten quite bored of the relationship since he had the guts to utter the word FREEdom... I suggest you look for ways to sparkle up the relationship by exercising(if overweight) and dressing se.xy for him to admire.

this is the typical thinking of a man. u cant assume that a women has lacked in areas such as not dressing sexy or being overweight (which many men like not hate) just because of this illeged boredom. didnt one of ur fellow posters mention Hally Berry having issues. Shes very beautiful already, how much change could she possibly make?

IgboWifeUSA:

this is the typical thinking of a man. u cant assume that a women has lacked in areas such as not dressing sexy or being overweight (which many men like not hate) just because of this illeged boredom. didnt one of ur fellow posters mention Hally Berry having issues. Shes very beautiful already, how much change could she possibly make?

No pun intented dear....just dropping my own two cents. am glad you guys have patched up your love life. happy married years ahead

Hahaha you guys just started, I remember when my husband use to do that and I would get pissed, especially young in the marriage after I had delivered, it was my own insecurity I found out because of the weight I gained, knowing he loves me with small waist keeps me going to the gym and doing my best to discipline my eating habits. I was born in USA he in Nigeria` and I think that we are use to people not being as open, it took him some time to realize that it was disrespectful to me but after a while he got it.

chaircover:

My dear many men look o! regardless of wherever they are from . . . . its just that many have devised ways to do it with "style" so that the woman that they are with doesnt catch them .

Its for you to tell him how you feel about it as you have done, that it is disrespectful to you and you dont like it. If he carrys on starring even after you have told him how it makes you feel, then yes that is disrespectful, but as you say, he is reducing it.

Please dont let this affect how secure you feel or your self esteem at all. Its not your fault that he is looking. Looking also doesnt mean that he will cheat/cheating . . some people just dont know when to remove their eyes. . . very bad habit I know

on a serious note "Lookery" doesnt have to be a marriage breaker if you both understand and trust each other and it can even be turned into something funny. Sometimes its even me that points out something to "look at" to him. Sometimes he sees something and comments first and I make a remark. Its something we laugh about now.

I know that everyone is not the same and if it does annoy you badly, then you have done the right thing by letting him know how you feel.

True wat u say..
I am not a starer, but I look attimes, not necessarily out of lust or disrespectfully but if u saw something
My fiancee has dealt wit it, funny enuff n I feel free wit her t comment.. she does point somethings t me n we talk about it n laugh..it's a tin of fun btween us
and on d plus side, its made me appreciate her more and t really tone it down so I dont abuse it.
#my personal take

IgboWifeUSA:

This one I can stand and disagree with. I am fully aware that we are humans and are built to be attracted to the opposite sex in order to marry. But not all humans are the same and religion obviously plays a role. i starred at men before the marriage because a single person is free to do so, but the bible advises men to enjoy their wife and avoid the adultress. I dont remember the part that says look and dont touch.
But from what i am reading in many post, many women have grown to accept the behavior by using these cover up techniques of joking and laughing.
Forgiveness is not the issue here but i will definately admit its trust. Other behavioral changes added to my discomfort such as not wanting me to touch the phone anymore, leaving it on silent, or him starring if im holding the phone. now who can help solve this mystery or will everyone say once again calm down.

This here is the issue not the looking..that is just the symptom.
Trust is one very essential ingredient in marraige. If due t all wat u mentioned above u find the trust waning then u need t act fast t nip it in the bud, cos lack of trust breeds suspicion n suspicion will result in unnecessary strife in the home.
Communication is the key, I think. U need t sit him down n in a calm manner , talk about some of these wit him.
He may not, in all fairness, realise his actions are causing u issues n even if he does, least now its out in the open..open discourse

Also, u mentioned u just gave birth, hope dis isnt one of those post partum depression/ insecurity tins??