Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) - Jokes Etc - Nairaland
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Why Lalasticlala Don't Joke With Snake Trend (revealed) / The Travails Of Seun And Mukina (A Short Story With Nairaland Characters) / BARTER TRADE ( JOKE WITH NAIRALAND CHARACTERS) (2) (3) (4)
| Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:28pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]BIN GBAGBO PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS... BARTER TRADE STARRING: Studio cfr as madman CFCfan as Chief of KetewPomponi Idowuogbo as CFC’s mother Hollandis as first wife of CFC Bunmioguns as Bunmioguns PretiEbony as first wife of Bunmioguns Booqee as second wife of Bunmioguns Freecocoa as third wife of Bunmioguns Lagusta as first son of Bunmioguns Born2fuck as second son of bunmioguns Bushyanus as third son of Bunmioguns Bigvajina as fourth child of Bunmioguns and third wife of CFC Olaadegbu as fifth child of Bunmioguns Ajibel as sixth child of Bunmioguns 190 as the seventh and last child of Bunmioguns Lefulefu as town-crier of KetewPomponi Okija juju as fetish priest of KetewPomponi El guapo as Bunmioguns’ best friend and former drinking champion , nine-time champion Onila as owner of the popular village drinking bar Mynd44, enegod, dani1luv and jarus as hunter boys from Bintu Ogugua as second wife to CFC Pagan9ja as head of security in the palace Agybabe, Vivly and Efemenaxy all contestants to be CFC’S third wife Mukina as widow with three children Xynerise as chief of Bintu Boron10 as the chief of Atwaa Goshen as chief of Kankamoum Psky as chief of totoigwe Olawalebabs as drunkard for Bintu Sexkills as drunkard for Atwaa Petrodollar as drunkard for Kankamoum Seun as drunkard for totoigwe Otumfuor, Bashydemy, T.Anonymous and Abu mikey as elders of KetewPomponi Mr Cork as teacher in KetewPomponi Dabrake as linguist of chief CFC Reality10 as school prefect Mzdarkskin as female student Ode remo as madman Popowaa as daughter of Mukina and girlfriend of bushy Dygeasy as student , garden prefect and son of mazi omenikuo Mazi omenikuo as father of Dygeasy Ishylove as wife of mazi omenikuo Biolabee as hunter whose trap caught 190 Adaobi as wife of Biolabee Donkollione and sutoboy as sons of Mukina. Nadia SA as prostitute Mikuz as youngman Donfaith as youngman Orikinla as youngman and more  [/b]3 Likes |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:30pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]CHAPTER ONE KetewPomponi was a little farming village that shared borders with Kankamuum in the north, Atwaa in the south, Bintu in the east and Osobrokyie in the West. KetewPomponi was famous for its excellence in agriculture as all neighbouring villages and beyond depended on them for maize and yams. The chief of KetewPomponi, CFCfan was a benevolent wealthy man who was married to Hollandis.They had been married for six years without an issue, and CFCfan's mother, Idowuogbo always quarreled with Hollandis to give her a grandchild or else she would bring a second wife. This caused lots of distress for Hollandis as she didnt like the idea of a second wife. Meanwhile, if there was one family in KetewPomponi that was always in the news, then it was Bunmioguns and his family.Bunmioguns had three wives and six children.Pretiebony the first wife, booqee the second wife and freecocoa the third. In all, Bunmioguns was blessed with seven children, namely Lagusta, Born2fuck, Bushy-anus, Bigvajina, Olaadegbu,Ajibel and 190.What made this family an interesting one was the fact that, though they were very successful in maize farming, the father Bunmioguns was a very lazy, promiscuous and drunk man. The three wives had their own periodic quarrels and the children were very recalcitrant. One sunny afternoon, Bunmioguns was sitting in his chair under a tree in front of his house with his wives and children when 190, his last son came home with a goat around his neck. " 190, 190, where from this goat?" Pretiebony who was his mother asked looking worried. Bunmioguns who didnt like the question remarked angrily " lazy woman! see oo, instead of her grabbing the goat to prepare soup for the family, she is asking silly questions". Soon, fufu was ready and the soup was prepared with the goat 190 brought home. The family often sat round a big table and ate together from one big bowl." where is the goat's genitall?" Bunmioguns who loved that part with passion asked the women who prepared the meal, and there was silence round the table. " i ask again, where is the goat's kpekus?" Bunmioguns barked again angrier. It was then that Bushy-anus stammered " i-i-i-saw Bo-bo-bo-born2-fu-Bleep steal it from the pot in the kitchen, papa ". Born2fuck was noted from stealing meat from the pot and even sometimes went to neighbours' kitchen to steal meat. Bunmioguns gave his son Born2fuck a hot slap immediately, which caused Born2fuck throw out the meat he was eating. The evening's joy of eating goat soup was marred by the incident at the table and there was extreme silence and sadness in the house. Early next morning, the town-crier Lefulefu beat his gong-gong. The message was that, the village's fetish priest Okija juju was reporting of his missing goat, and that anyone that knows about the theft should go to his shrine immediately else disaster would visit them. Lefulefu added that, even those that tasted the soup of the said goat, including those that even smelt the aroma risked disastrous consequences if they didnt go to the shrine as early as possible to confess. Just after the town-crier left, 190 ran to his father, knelt before him and cried " papa, it's me, i stole the goat, it's me ". Bunmioguns out of shock had to use the toilet immediately. It was a village pit-latrine patronized by all the villagers. Since it was still early in the day, he carried his lamp. The moment he entered the toilet, he saw a snake so he took to his heels. He came back home, and left with 190 to Okija juju's shrine. There 190 confessed he came to steal the goat from the shrine the day before. Okija juju was angry. After pleas and Pleas and pleas, Okija juju finally agreed to pardon the Bunmiogun family, only on one condition. " Please what is the condition, tell me i am ready for anything " Bunmioguns requested in tears. Okija finally sad he would only pardon the Bunmioguns family only after his second wife booqee had spent three nights with him, to appease the gods. It was a tough one, but Bunmioguns had no options, his hands were tied as he risked losing his entire family since Okija juju was renowned in the village for killing people that offended him. One of such persons was studiocfr who was struck with madness last year after publicly insulting Okija juju. Upon agreeing to bring booqee to atone for the family's sins, Bunmioguns passed by chief CFCfan's yam farm to ease himself, as he wouldnt dare go back to the public toilet. After easing himself in the chief's farm, he headed straight to el guapo's house. El guapo was Bunmioguns best friend in KetewPomponi and was renowned for his drunkenness. El guapo always represented KetewPomponi in the annual inter-village drinking contest, and had won the title for nine consecutive years. He was however yet to marry though he was in his mid-forties. Right from guapo's house, the entered Onila's popular village bar " that boy called 190 took after his mother's father, a useless thief!" Bunmioguns who had at this point gulped down two calabashes of palmwine said slowly. " wetin he do?" Guapo asked " can you imagine, that this my son 190, had the guts to go and steal from the dreaded Okija shrine?" Bunmioguns replied " chinekeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!, that boy must be cursed. stealing from the great Okija shine?" Guapo added " I am finished. That boy has been spoilt by his mother, ebony, he doesnt heed to my advice at all" Bunmioguns said The two friends drank and conversed and drank and conversed till sunset when they left. Before Onila got to their table, they were already gone. " so these useless men have absconded today too without paying?" Onila barked to herself Soon, it was morning and Bunmioguns with his second wife Booqee were before the Okija shrine. He presented his wife booqee to Okija juju and left feeling very sad and bitter. Suddenly, he had a thought of committing suicide because of the misfortune that had befallen him. He was however thinking about the options involved in committing suicide. " knife?, gun?, rope? poison?.." he kept wondering. Then he resolved to die by hanging himself. He sent his son Lagusta to go and buy him a rope. Lagusta brought the rope and asked his father what he was using the rope for, " going to buy another goat, thief" bunmioguns replied angrily. He took the rope,a cutlass, a gourd of palmwine and headed for the farm Soon, Bunmioguns got to his farm. He located a big tree o climbed it to tie the rope. After he tied the rope, he came down to take his last sip of palmwine. He climbed the tree again, stood on a branch and tied the rope round his neck. All that was left was to jump downwards. Just as he was about to do it, he spotted a very big injured grasscutter ran to hide in some weeds on his farm, apparently being pursued by hunters. When he realised this, he untied the rope from his neck and descended down, picked his cutlass and went to the grasscutter's hiding spot. Just as he was about to strike his cutlass, he saw four boys holding cutlasses and guns apparently were chasing the grasscutter. These boys were mynd44, enegod, Dani1luv and Jarus. " what do you want from my farm?" Bunmioguns questioned the mean looking boys, " we are looking for our grasscutter," they replied in one accord " your grasscutter? " bunmioguns quizzed further , " yes, we have chased it all the way from Bintu, have you seen it?" Mynd44 asked Bunmioguns. " me? grasscutter? never, i havent" bunmioguns replied. The four boys who had ran all the way from bintu after a grasscutter, walked away in disappointments. Bunmioguns struck dead the already weak grasscutter and left with it to guapo's house. He didnt like to take it home because his many many children and wives would eat some. In Guapo's house, they prepared the grasscuter, roasted it and with palmwine and Akpeteshie, they ate everything. Guapo then brought out his draught which they played till sunset when Bunmioguns went home. He got home very drunk and tired, so missed way and rather entered his daughter Bigvajina's room, thinking he was entering his wife freecocoa's room. That night, unknowingly to him, he made love to his daughter seven times before daybreak. When he realised at daybreak he had been making love to his own daughter, he felt very sad. " Big, what happened last night?" he asked his daughter " Papa, you came into my room and told me i am your wife" Bigvajina replied " and what happened", " Papa you asked me to open my legs for you, then i saw you moving to and fro on me " Bigvajina answered. Bunmioguns left his daughter's room looking very disappointed. Soon three days were over and booqee had been finally released by the Okija shrine. She was limping to the house with blood oozing pass her legs. The moment Bunmioguns saw her, he hugged her and asked " how many?", Booqee replied " fifty-five a day" still crying. Bunmioguns fainted immediately after hearing this.They poured several barrels of water on him until he regained his consciousness. Meanwhile, back in the chief's palace, tensions were so high as the chief's mother idowuogbo had brought a second wife to her son CFCfan. Ogugua was a beauty in her early twenties and immediately won CFC's heart. There were constant verbal quarrels between Hollandis the first wife and Ogugua who was always making insinuations at her senior in marriage. One time, Hollandis had prepared CFC's favourite meal when Ogugua secretly went to pour excess salt in the meal.After the chief ate the meal, he officially banned Hollandis from cooking in the palace again [/b] 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:31pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]CHAPTER TWO Now tension in the chief's palace was at its climax when after a month, Ogugua the second wife had also not conceived.Idowuogbo, chief CFC's mother was wilder than ever. She stormed the palace once more with insults upon insults. She warned Ogugua to conceive the next day, else she was bringing a third wife. CFC particularly was not happy about this one as he truly loved Ogugua. In the night, CFC spent hours to console the ever sobbing Ogugua. Back in the other room was Hollandis, who ever since Ogugua entered the palace had never made love. She was lonely and Hot and wanted someone to make her happy. The only name that came to her mind was Pagan9ja, the head of security in the palace. She woke up, tiptoed to Pagan9ja's door and knocked silently. Pagan9ja opened the door and was shocked to see his mistress before him at that time. The moment the door opened, she entered , seduced pagan9ja who also did not spare her at all. Now back in Bunmioguns' house, booqee was pregnant, Bigvajina was also pregnant. What scared Bunmioguns was the facts that, she knew Booqee was carrying the child of the dreaded Okija juju, whereas Bigvajina was carrying his own child, which was a taboo on the land. He was confused. He called Bigvajina into his room, and suggested to him he goes to sleep with his friend Guapo, and make Guapo responsible for the pregnancy. Just as they were discussing the matter, Lefulefu the town-crier was heard. His message was simple, that the chief's mother is asking all young women who could get her son CFC a child to report to the palace the next morning. This brought Bunmioguns some relief as they found it as an opportunity to ship Bigvajina to the chief to avoid any embarrassment . So early the next morning, Bunmioguns with his daughter Bigvajina and mother Freecocoa were in the chief's palace. When the got to the palace, they realised the competition was a keen one. Three other women were present, including Agybabe, Vivly and Efemenaxy. They had all heard about the announcement so were there to grab the opportunity. Idowuogbo had the sole right to pick the third wife for the chief. After series of exercises which included interviews, dance and music, the lot fell on Bigvajina.Bunmioguns was particularly excited not just because of the pride that went with haven the chief as your son-in-law, but also had escaped from the shame of being responsible to his own daughter's pregnancy. After taking the bride price, he made for his friend Guapo's house, then off to Onila's popular bar. Soon, Bunmioguns had finished spending Bigvajina's bride price since they were already owing. It was at the bar that, Bunmioguns was asking Guapo of when he would marry. " I have always told you i will marry after next month's drinking contest" Guapo replied in his usual drunk way. " so which woman in KetewPomponi have you targeted?" Bunmioguns asked again. After about five minutes of silence, Guapo replied with his left eye closed " Mukina " Bunmioguns was amazed since Mukina was an old widow with three children already. Her late husband, Homar fell from a palm tree two years ago and since then Mukina had been lonely, but Guapo insisted it was Mukina or else no marriage. Soon a month was in, and it was time for the drinking contest. It was a competition to choose the best drunkard amongst the five villages that competed. Competing villages were KetewPomponi, Bintu, Atwaa, Kankamoum and totoigwe. This year's competition was hosted by KetewPomponi, and the exact venue was Onila's bar. It was sunrise and all the teams were set at Onila's place. The chieves of all the villages had graced the occasion and of course chief CFC was present with his new damsel Bigvajina right beside him, heavily policed by Pagan9ja. The chief of Bintu, Xynerise was there, as well as the chief Atwaa Boron10 was representing. Kankamoum's chief Goshen was there as well and the chief of totoigwe psky was also live. Each village presented their representative round the table. Representing the hosts was the nine-time champion el guapo, Bintu was represented by Olawalebabs, then sexkills represented Atwaa, petrodollar represented Kankamoum with seun representing totoigwe. Everything was set, and all the contestants were waiting for was the clap of chief CFCfan to commence hostilities. The place was packed with drums, music and dance. The long awaited clap finally came from chief CFC, and the contest began.The contest which had been in existence for centuries was instituted by the five villages to foster unity amongst them. The format was simple. Each contestant would take a gourd-full of ogogoro. After that, contestants would then take two gourds-full each, Then three gourds-full each, any contestant that got drank along the line would raise up his hands and step out. So, the contest officially began. Guapo first took his gourd with ease, then Olawalebas did, then Sexkillz did, followed by Petrodollar, then seun who was making his seventh consecutive appearance in the drinking contest took his turn. After the first round, the contestants were applauded by their teaming supporters. Then it was round two, and as usual, Guapo gulped down his Ogogoro showing lots of experience and dexterity, and the other contestants followed suit. This year's contest was so keen as at round six, nobody had raised up his hand. During round seven however, Sexkills, a dreadlocked drunkard fainted, meaning he was out of the contest, left with four. It eventually got to round fifteen and it had been left with only two contestants, Guapo of KetewPomponi and Seun of totoigwe. It was a fierce battle, as Guapo was searching for his tenth title to woo Mukina, and seun was also after his first ever triumph as drunk champion. It finally got to round twenty-two, where it was apparent both contestants were very drunk and weak. Out of the blues, Guapo raised up his hand, which meant seun had won the competition . Onila's bar was thrown into cheers and fun by the totoigwe crowd.Seun was carried on the shoulders with drums and dance. Guapo at this juncture was on the ground vomiting . It was the first time in nine years he had lost a drinking contest, and was worried about loosing the cow prize for the year.He was also worried about loosing Mukina It was two days after Guapo's historic defeat, and he was alone in his house still pondering about the lost contest. " why?..me of all people,..Guapo the renowned drunkard?...nine-time champion?..the pride of KetewPomponi....how could i have lost at home?". Whilst he kept talking to himself, his friend Bunmioguns visited. Bunmioguns consoled his friend for a very long time. " you see, things like this do happen, just train hard and defeat that guy next year" Bunmioguns consoled. Back in the chief's palace, there was a high profile visitor. The chief CFCfan with his elders like Otumfuor, Bashydemy, T.Anonymous,Abu Mikey and the rest welcomed him, and asked him his mission.The chief's linguist, dabrake asked the guest his name and his mission. " well, thank you very much chief and his elders, well my name is Mr Cork, and i am in this village to open a school, to educate the villagers here" the guest spoke with a fake foreign accent. The news excited Chief CFcfan so much since there was no school in the village, and it would be the only in the five villages.Chief CFC gave Mr Cork a portion of land to build his house and the school. Later that day, something terrible happened in the palace. There was a quarrel between Hollandis, the chief's first wife and the troublesome Ogugua. Bigvajina the youngest wife had gone to separate them, but rather they both turned to her and gave her a beaten of her life, which caused her to miscarry her pregnancy. Had it not been Pagan9ja who entered the seen on time, they would have killed Vajina. News of Bigvajina's micarriage reached Idowuogbo who stormed the palace early the next morning. He lined up Hollandis and Ogugua and gave them a hot verbal bashing. " fooolish women, you cant conceive, another woman conceive and you kill the baby, you witchards..." she barked. Meanwhile, the whole miscarriage thing was interesting to chief CFC as he knew he could not make a woman pregnant. The secret of the whole issue was that, when he was a young boy, he was seeing the daughter of Okija juju, Vicky. This infuriated Okija Juju who invoked the gods he served to afflict CFC with impotence. So since then, CFC could perform but could not make a woman pregnant. His mother Idowuogbo did not know about this secret and was the reason why she always pressurized the women. Idowuogbo was furious that morning, " if you cant bear my son a child, leave him for me, i will personally bear him a child, swine!" she barked repeatedly. CFC was still wondering how Bigvajina could have become pregnant for him.He was so suspicious. " Could she have been pregnant before she came here?..or Okija shrine has finally revoked the curse? or this Bigvajina is a witch?...oh gods of my land.." he thought Back in Totoigwe meanwhile, a thanksgiving ceremony was on-going for seun who defied all odds to defeat the renowned Guapo. Everybody was proud of seun. His prize, the cow was slaughtered and every single member in the village of totoigwe had his share. Later that day, psky the chief of totoigwe asked seun to make any wish at all and he would grant it to honour him. Without much ado, seun requested for a wife from KetewPomponi, and upon descriptions, it was certainly Mukina the widow. This was certainly going to spark up a fresh conflict since same Mukina was a marriage target for rival Guapo. [/b] 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:33pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]Emissaries were sent from totoigwe to KetewPomponi to officially request for Mukina's hand in marriage. When the emissaries got to the chief's palace, they revealed their mission of marrying Mukina for their drinking champion seun. Lefulefu the town-crier was sent to invite all the members of the village to the palace. It was the culture of KetewPomponi that, anytime a foreigner wanted a wife from their village, they make it public to ensure the woman is not already in any relationship already.As usual the palace was full. Okija juju was there, Mr cork the teacher was present, the family of Bunmioguns was duly represented and of course the dethroned King of alcohol Guapo himself was live, ignorant of why they had been assembled. Soon, dabrake the linguist informed the congregation of the mission of the emissaries from totoigwe. Whilst Mukina the target was very delighted, Guapo almost fainted, but his confidant Bunmioguns stood and spoke for him, " Chief and his elders i greet you...This Mukina that you people want to sell to totoigwe has been a long-time target of my friend el Guapo here...and in fact, as we are talking, he has bought everything for her marriage, so please this marriage the people of totoigwe are here for cannot hold..". After Bunmioguns' speech, there was lots of confusion and murmuring in the palace. Everybody was sharing his opinion including even the stranger teacher Mr Cork who suggested Mukina to be given to him to avoid any future conflict between totoigwe and KetewPomponi. However, after hours of deliberations, Chief CFC finally decided that, a wrestle contest between the suitors will be used to determine who would get Mukina's hand in marriage. The moment wrestling was mentioned, Mr cork withdrew from the race, so it was left with El Guapo and seun, and a date was fixed. [/b] 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:34pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]CHAPTER THREE Finally Mr Cork's school had started running and many had enrolled in the school, both young and old. All of Bunmioguns' children were in the school apart from Bigvajina who was not allowed by her husband CFC to school. The school had three rooms, one room for a classroom, another as Mr Cork's office and a small room called restroom, where Mr Cork usually relaxed. Mr Cork had a special liking for the female students. He often spent time with them in the restroom, though nobody knew what went on in the restoom. Mr Cork often used the cane to discipline students who flouted school rules and loved his snuff. There was even a time that he caned 190 who was a very incorrigible student, and after 190 secretly entered the office and mixed Mr Cork's snuff with grounded pepper. That day school closed unusually early, as Mr cork was writhing in pain at the office after taking the pepper-snuff mix. School was still fun, as Mr Cork took his pupils through reading and writing, as well as arithmetic. Reality101 was an exceptional student so was made the school prefect, which meant he would not pay any fees. School fees were moderate. Foodstuffs were offered Mr Cork for school fees. Often when school closed, Mr Cork held special classes for the female students.Any male student who wanted to be part of the late classes was lashed severely and driven out like a goat by the teacher Mr Cork. He had a special feeling for one of such girls, Mzdarksin. It was even rumoured that there were days Mzdarkskin spent the entire night in Mr Cork's house learning. She was studying very hard. It was a farm season as well, so anytime school closed often mid-morning, all students would go to the farm with their parents. It was planting season so many were planting maize and yams. Bunmioguns' family was not left out as they were great maize farmers. What annoyed the family was their father Bunmioguns who would not go to the farm to work. Anytime it was time to go to the farm, he would fall sick, but the moment food was ready he would be fit again. Often, when the family went to farm, he went to his friend, Guapo's house to play draught and drink alcohol. Guapo himself was a lazier man and had no farm .He was always in debts. Bunmioguns was a very good draught player and often defeated Guapo. They were discussing Guapo's up-coming fight with seun the drunkard. " Bunmi, how do i win this one?" Guapo asked in a sad way. Bunmioguns suggested they consulted Okija juju for spiritual cleansing and empowerment. Guapo obliged readily as he knew the fight would be very difficult if he faced it physically, more so he could not afford loosing his dream Mukina. Guapo was so much in love with Mukina to the extent that he mentioned his name over a thousand times daily. He mentioned Mukina's name when he slept, woke, bathed, used the toilet, ate , drank, sneezed, coughed, massturbbated and conversed. On the average, Guapo saw Mukina three times a night in his dreams. He often saw Mukina take her bath in his dream and whenever he woke up from such dreams , he was hard. Early next morning, the wives of Bunmioguns had woken up to prepare for the farm. Freecocoa and Pretiebony were the first to wake up. Booqee woke later, as she was still pregnant. Pretiebony went to wake up Bunmioguns, but as usual, he said he was sick. All the children went to the farm since it was not a school day. The moment they got to the farm, Lagusta went to inspect his trap. He got there and realised the trap caught a game but somebody had come to steal it. " so who is this thief that for three consecutive weeks been stealing meat from my trap? " Lagusta screamed. On the farm, everybody was working hard apart from 190, who obviously took after his father. He worked like an ant but ate like an elephant. All the same, the family had covered several acres of land with maize, perhaps the largest in KetewPomponi. Back in the house, Bunmioguns had been joined by Guapo and were preparing to go to Okija shrine after drinking six gourds of palmwine. Ode remo, one of the numerous madmen in KetewPomponi was in Bunmioguns' house. " give me meat" ode remo asked. Bunmioguns and Guapo were on the ground laughing. " i said give me meat, or i will poo on your compound", ode remo added. The moment he mentioned poo, Bunmioguns made for the kitchen and brought the madman a piece of meat. He did because he knew ode remo the madman very well. Anytime he threatened to poo, he did not fail. After taking the meat, ode remo left the compound. Then the friends set out to the Okija shrine. Even before they spoke, Okija knew their mission, so he told them, " i know you are here because of the fight, because you want to marry mukina". Guapo and Bunmioguns were not shocked as they knew about the powers of Okija very well. However, Okija asked Guapo to bring a number of items, to prepare a concoction for him in order to win the up-coming wrestling for Mukina. The items included Mukina's armpit hair, a frog's heart, a madman's early morning poo and an old woman's urine, " with these items, you will defeat the man from toto-igwe " Okija said. The two friends left the shrine with mixed feelings. They trusted Okija's rituals but were wondering how to fetch the items they had been asked to find. Then Bunmioguns brought an idea. They were going to get the old woman's urine from Idowuogbo, mother of the chief of the village. She loved coconuts, and they knew once she took lots of coconuts, she would definitely urinate. Then ode remo would get them the madman's poo, with Olaadegbu tasked to bring the heart of the frog. What was left was getting Mukina's hair. Whilst they were pondering over getting Mukina's armpit hair, Bunmioguns remembered his son Bushy-anus' girlfriend was Popowaa, who was daughter of Mukina. In the evening, Bushy-anus was back from the Farm, his father convinced him, to let his girlfriend Popowaa shave parts of her mother's armpit hair for him, for something very important. Very early in the morning, Bushy-anus submitted a leaf containing hairs to his father. He quickly left for El guapo's house with joy, " i got the hair, i got the hair, i got the hair ". They were next in Idowuogbo's house. They presented coconuts to the mother of the chief, who began eating with excitements. When she was taking her sixth coconut, she noticed the two men murmuring. " What is it?" Idowuogbo asked angrily and Bunmioguns replied " please, i cannot tell you that, we may be banished". Idowuogbo after series of threats finally coerced Bunmioguns to say what the murmuring was all about, " please ma, erm...my friend here was saying you too like coconuts, but please we are sorry, we are ready to do any anything you ask us to....please dont report us to the chief, punish us yourself". Idowuogbo growing angrier then asked " ok, tell me what i should do to you?",she did not land when both men together replied " ma please urinate into our mouth ". Idowuogbo took both men into her bathroom and urinated into their mouths. The men kept the urine in their mouths till they got to Guapo's house and poured it into a calabash. Soon they came across ode remo the mad man, and ode as usual screamed " hey you, give me meat or i will poo here!". Bunmioguns quickly replied " we no go give you anything, do your worst..", he didnt land and already Ode remo had left a mountain of fresh madman's poo on the ground. When all the materials requested were intact, the men left for Okija juju's shrine. [/b] 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:35pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b] The moment Okija received the materials, he laughed out loud and ordered Bunmioguns to leave the shrine with immediate effect. He was going to spend three days and three nights working on el Guapo to defeat the warrior from totoigwe village. Guapo didn’t much fancy the idea because he couldn’t imagine staying off alcohol for three days and three nights but he had to comply for the sake of the love he had for Mukina. Back in the house, Bunmioguns was alone, as his children had gone to school and the wives to the farm. Even the pregnant Booqee went to the farm. The lazy Bunmioguns always stayed home under the guise of being indisposed . Inside school, Mr cork was giving a lecture and every pupil was attentive monitoring except bushy-anus. Bushy unusually was dozing, so Mr cork called him, “ hey Bushy, what’s up with your damn anus?”. Bushy-anus replied “ sah, my trap!”. “ which trap and what has happened to it?” Mr cork questioned again. “ Sah, thieves have been stealing meat from my traps and it has been giving me sleepless nights sah!” Bushy replied. “ so, who do you suspect?” The teacher quizzed further. “ sah, please I get two suspects sah!, “, “ and who are they?” “ sah, I suspect my own father Bunmioguns or mazi omenikuo, father of Dygeasy the garden prefect sah!” . The moment Bushy mentioned Dygeasy’s name in the classroom, a fight broke out between Dygeasy and Bushy anus. The fight was brutal. The brothers of bushy, Olaadegbu, Lagusta and 190 all helped their brother who was still on the floor with Dygeasy busily dishing out blows to him. Mr Cork the teacher had run away from the school. There was blood all over coming out from bushy’s eyes, nostrils, mouth and anus. Dygeasy was really beating him even with the support of his brothers. Eventually, all of Bushy’s brothers ran home, leaving bushy alone. After hours of discipline, Dygeasy left the poor boy and went home. Bushy got home late that day apparently because of the beating. You could not look at his face. All his eyeballs had disappeared, covered with swells from Dygeasy’s blows. Bunmioguns spotted him and thought they had a visitor but upon getting close to the house, every member of the family noticed it was bushy and there was mourning in the house. Every body was crying because of the degree of damage to Bushy’s face. Bunmioguns’ wives and children all told him to go to mazi omenikuo’s house and take revenge. This gingered Bunmioguns to set off to mazi omenikuo’s house. When Bunmioguns got to mazi omeniko’s compound, he met Ishylove his wife. After telling him the husband was asleep, Bunmioguns ordered her to go and wake him up. In some few minutes mazi omeniko was up. He was the tallest man in the village of KetewPomponi, well built with muscles and very strong. “ I hear you are looking for me?” Mazi Omeniko quizzed angrily. Bunmioguns replied in submission “ no sah, please erm….sorry but I was passing by and decided to pass by and greet you sir..”. This angered mazi Omeniko, “ so must you wake me up because of this trash?”. Bunmioguns sensing mazi Omeniko was angry immediately took to his heels. He ended up at Onila’s bar where he got himself drunk as usual. He returned home quite late. When he got home, he was met with excitements by his family who thought their father and husband had gone to beat mazi Omeniko. “my husband, the warrior, so how did it go?” Pretiebony asked her husband beaming with smiles. “ I almost killed him. I really beat him, he was even begging me…” when Bunmioguns replied with these words the whole family was gripped by a frenzy as if they had taken an ecstasyillegal recreational drug. Even Bushy who was still in pains was smiling as he felt his father had revenged his beating. Because of Bunmioguns’ feat, that evening his supper was increased from three plates to six, and even though it was freecocoa’s turn to sleep with that night, the wives resolved to all spend the night with their darling as a reward of his “ heroic” acts of beating the dreaded Mazi Omeniko. Even the pregnant Booqee was with him in the night. It was Bunmioguns’ best night ever as a man. The women really worked on him. It was not surprising later on in the night, he fainted. The next day school was boring, as none of bunmioguns children reported. Mr cork was sitting alone in his office pondering over the bushy and dygeasy fight. He sent for mzdarksin who was like a secretary to him. He gave Mzdarksin some books to deposit in his room. “ if you send the books, remain there I am coming okay?” he added. Soon Mzdarksin was in the teacher’s room and Mr cork had joined her, and of course as usual teaching and learning was going on. Whilst the teacher and the pupil were still alone in the room, some of the pupils became curious and were a whole lot of speculations. Some were of the view Mr cork was just teaching Mzdarksin whereas others thought the teacher was doing something else. Sometimes when they got into the room, they would remain there till school closed. This worried some of the boys in the school but couldn’t complain because they would be lashed. [/b] 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:37pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]The Bunmiogun family were working in their maize farm as usual with the head of the family absent of course under his normal guise of not well. The wives and children were weeding around their maize, when 190 was pressed. He had to attend to nature’s call. The most convenient place they always thought of to ease themselves was in chief CFC’s farm. He ran to CFC’s farm, spotted a palm tree, walked to it, undressed, squatted and began to drop. There was a sudden loud cry heard by the rest of the family, so they all rushed to CFC’s farm. They followed the cry and got to where 190 was dropping. There they saw 190 writhing in pain on the ground with fresh shit all over him. He had been trapped. There was a trap at the spot that he squatted to shit so his balls were actually in the trap. He was in severe pains, and everybody was crying. The family later learnt that the trap actually belonged to biolabee, a hunter that lived near the palace. Unfortunately, this trap had a lock and it was only biolabee the owner that had the keys to the lock. At this stage, 190 was at the verge of dying as his testes had almost crushed with blood and shit all over him. Houseflies, bluebottles and many other strange-looking insects soon engulfed the place. Sensing a possible fatality, Lagusta ran to look for oga biolabee the hunter to come and unlock his trap to save his brother. Unfortunately when Lagusta got to the house he was told by Biolabee’s wife, Adaobi that the husband had travelled to Kankamoum to sell meat. Lagusta was in tears since his brother was dying, so he passed home to inform the father Bunmioguns. Bunmioguns hurriedly grabbed a machete and together with Lagusta made for the farm. Bushy who was at home because of the injuries he sustained through the Dygeasy fight wanted to go to the farm too but his father wouldn’t allow him. Soon they got to the spot and 190 had become pale as a result of blood loss and even looked unconscious . With Biolabee the only one with the keys to the trap, the only other option to rescue 190 was to amputate his manhood since it was the part that had been trapped. The difficulty here was that, if his manhood was amputated, he would not be able to make a woman pregnant again, and if it was not amputated too, he would die eventually. It was indeed a pensive moment for the Bunmioguns’ family. The women were wailing and the men and boys were looking very sad. 190 himself repeated two words throughout his ordeal, “ my kpekus, my kpekus, my kpekus….!!!”. Bunmioguns finally asked 190, “ make I cut your kpekus or u wan die?...” “ papa, what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his kpekus?..mek i die jhoor…” 190 replied in tears. After some few minutes, Bunmioguns slashed his son’s manhood freeing 190 in the process with his full manhood locked in the trap. Blood was flowing like a river on the farm, with cries and tears from the other family members. Bunmioguns picked the trap that contained 190’s manhood along and together with Lagusta who carried 190 in his back made for Okija juju’s shrine. Interestingly, it was the very day Guapo was to be discharged by the Okija shrine. Okija hurriedly brought out some herbs to stop the excessive bleeding. He later ordered Bunmioguns to deposit money for an emergency treatment of his son. At this very stage, 190 had three options concerning his amputated kpekus. Either the wound would be treated for a flat surface, or a traditional surgery was done by Okija for a sex change so 190 would get a female organ or a horse’s kpekus would be transplanted in between his legs. It was a difficult decision to make, but it all also boiled down to the amount of money his father would bring. When Bunmioguns the father came back, he was informed about the three options and just like his son, it was really puzzling so he kept wondering, “ flat?...meaning him no go fit yansh at all ooo, sex change?...hmmm, wey man go marry such a woman with a boney face with all these mustache and bear bear?...a horse’skpekus?, chei…which woman fit stand that one?....”. After hours of thinking, Bunmioguns finally asked Okija juju to go for the horse’s Kpekus transplant. [/b] 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:38pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]CHAPTER FOUR Soon it was day for the much publicized wrestle fight, and the venue Onila’s bar was fully packed. The battle was between Guapo of KetewPomponi and Seun of Totoigwe. What made the battle more interesting was not just the fact that they were going to fight over a woman, Mukina but the fact that the same men few weeks ago were involved in the finals of the drinking contest where Totoigwe’s Seun won dramatically. To grace the occasion were the chieves of KetewPomponi, Totoigwe and Bintu. They were CFC of KetewPomponi, Psky of Totoigwe and Xynerise the guest chief from Bintu. There were numerous guests from the other villages including dani1luv, jarus, enegod and mynd 44 who had come all the way from bintu to witness the historic wrestle. The trophy at stake Mukina the widow was dressed in beautiful cotton cloth seated right before chief CFC, surrounded by her three children, Popowaa who was girlfriend of the notorious bushy-anus, Donkollione and sutoboy. The stakes were very high and there was approaching one of the contestants Seun, dressed in Leopard skin carried on the shoulders of some heavily built men of Totoigwe.He landed in the circle that had been constructed with pure white chalk. Any one that left the circle had indirectly thrown in the towel. There were incredible cheers all over for seun who was the current drinking master. All the crowd was waiting for next was el Guapo the homeboy. [/b] 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:39pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]All of a sudden, there emerged a camel directed side by side by Okija juju himself and ode remo the mad man. On top of the camel was the man everyone had been waiting for, el Guapo. The whole place was immediately thrown into a wild frenzy and at this stage, seun that was ready and standing in the circle was becoming nervous. Guapo only had a loin wrapped round his waist with a bare chest sweating profusely like a pregnant fish. Shockingly, Guapo had muscles and was showing them with lots of pride to the crown. The camel got to Onila's bar and Okija commanded Guapo not to get down until he performed some incantations. Whilst Okija was still performing his incantations, the mad man ode remo who had surprisingly escorted team guapo to the match venue staggered into the circle where the fight would take place. He met seun who had been waiting earnestly for guapo, “ give me meat, else I shit in this very circle” ode remo told seun. Seun immediately landed a hot slap on ode remo’s right cheek. Ode remo retaliated almost concurrently by shittting heavily in the circle. The odour at Onila’s bar changed all of a sudden. There were houseflies all over Onila’s bar and seun had left the circle. Young men and women who had converged at the place to watch the match such as mikuz, DONFAITH, Orikinla and Nadia SA the renowned harlot trooped to the circle to drive Ode remo out of the place with canes and clubs. Nadia SA was ordered by Okija juju to clean ode remo’s poo immediately which she obliged. Soon, hostilities began between el guapo and seun. For the early hours, both fighters were extremely cautious, as for a substantial period none had touched the other. Of course, outside of the circle was the colour and razzmatazz of the historic battle. Then out of the blues came a punch from seun that hit the left eye of Guapo. Blood began oozing in bits from Guapo’s left eye. Then Seun grabbed the opportunity and pounced on his helpless opponents and dished out series of jabs, punches, slaps and blows. Guapo’s back was on the ground at this stage with seun seated on him, all he needed was to wrestle Guapo out of the circle and Mukina would be his. The KetewPomponi section of the spectators was mute as they knew Guapo could not stand the test. Meanwhile, as Seun kept dishing out punches still seated on the belly of el, the latter moved his right arm from the ground and held seun’s balls. He really squeezed them. “ ewuooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!” seun screamed in pain, but Guapo had no pity at all but kept squeezing those big balls of the man from totoigwe. Seun grew weak suddenly and he appeared unconscious. Few minutes on, Seun was on the ground dead. By the rules of the fight, killing your opponent didn’t in any way guarantee victory unless the opponent’s full body was outside of the chalk constructed circle. Guapo apparently overly excited by the sudden death of seun then moved to stand on the touchline facing his fans, raised his hands and chanted repeatedly “ who go fit?, who go? Who go fit? Who?”. The spectators chanted Guapo’s name in response to his bravado repeatedly. Before Guapo could say jack however, he felt someone push him out of the line, making him leave the circle, and it was no one but seun, he wasn’t dead after all. He only fell unconscious but regained consciousness when el Guapo was jubilating before victory. Seun was immediately carried shoulder high by his village folks that had accompanied him. The noise that filled Onila’s bar was indescribable.[/b] 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:40pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
[b]After jubilations, seun and his supporters from Totoigwe left KetewPomponi with the prize Mukina and her two sons Donkollione and sutoboy.Popowaa who was Mukina’s only daughter refused to join her mother since she feared losing her fiancé Bushyanus. The new couple arrived in Totoigwe very late so they made straight for seun’s room with Donkollione and sutoboy. Seun and Mukina jumped into bed and ordered sutoboy and Donkollione to sleep on the floor. With the room very dark, seun undressed and Mukina did same ready to “ fight”. Just as they were about to start, Donkollione lighted a lamp. This interrupted the game the new couple were so much fired up for. Both seun and Mukina could not have a wink of sleep throughout the night since Donkollione and sutoboy wouldn’t sleep too It was morning and Guapo and Bunmioguns were at the Okija shrine to demand explanations from the renowned eye of the gods why Guapo lost the historic battle after all the effort they had put in the battle. After the dreaded Okija had allowed the two friends to agitate and whine for some time, he simply quizzed, “where did you get those hairs from?”. Apparently Okija was referring to the pubic hairs the two drunks brought as Mukina’s hairs. “Those were the pubic hairs of Mukina herself, shaven by Popowaa her daughter and handed over to bushy my son”, Bunmioguns answered. There was a brief silence after the exchange, then Okija angrily orderd, “Summon that boy here at once!”. Guapo and Bunmioguns had no idea of the boy the dreaded jujuman was talking about, until Okija screamed once more, “ I said bring me bushyanus here at once!”. In a jiffy, bushyanus who was still recovering from the beatings in school was before the Okija shrine, alongside Bunmioguns his father and the embattled el Guapo. Okija without much ado asked the boy, “ where did you get those hairs from?”. Bushy in a state of confusion asked, “which hairs wise one?”.Okija getting impatient asked again, “ I said, where did you get those hairs you claim to be Mukina’s pubic hairs from?”. Bushyanus at this stage shivering and knowing very well the capabilities of Okija juju confessed, “erm…erm…they were hairs from my own yansh!”[/b] |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bunmioguns(m): 5:46pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
okada abeg no carry me drop here...pls proceed asap to d nxt junction 1 Like |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 5:52pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
bunmioguns: okada abeg no carry me drop here...pls proceed asap to d nxt junction |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by larride(m): 6:16pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
Nonsense. |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by 190theclown: 6:52pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
stop using my name on these JOKES of yours FFS  |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by Nobody: 9:49pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
| I no like my part !! |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bunmioguns(m): 10:03pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
nadia_SA: *parks his jeep beside d road nd sees nadia_sa nd her colleagues rushing towards him.*  |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by BIGVAJINA(f): 10:35pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
bin u are mad |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by Nobody: 12:56am On Oct 21, 2013 |
nadia_SA:yes me too! Give her sumtin else! Like the 'responsible' girl next door CFCfan is having a crush on! |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by Nobody: 8:50am On Oct 21, 2013 |
runzlord: yes me too! Give her sumtin else! Like the 'responsible' girl next door CFCfan is having a crush on!  Bin hates me I swear |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by pickabeau1: 3:43pm On Oct 21, 2013 |
Bin is back! where u been? |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by Ajibel(m): 10:34am On Oct 22, 2013 |
Bin, you're running out of ideas !! |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by larride(m): 4:04pm On Oct 22, 2013 |
Ajibel: Bin, you're running out of ideas !! seconded. |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bunmioguns(m): 4:08pm On Oct 22, 2013 |
larride: Ajibel: Bin, you're running out of ideas !! SHITZ  |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by larride(m): 1:27pm On Oct 23, 2013 |
bunmioguns: eat the shittz nau. |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by Missprettie(f): 11:25am On Oct 25, 2013 |
Who r all diz bad bellez above me seff?? Oya bin, kum update. No mind 'em jhor! **Following with my ching kum n porcorn** make sure u dnt kip me waiting. |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by NEWBIN: 8:01pm On Oct 25, 2013 |
but daddy bin, where my name now? |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 8:41pm On Oct 25, 2013 |
[b]Guapo and Bunmioguns now knowing the reason behind the historic defeat, left the shrine in shame. Bushyanus knowing very well what awaited him in the house didn’t bother going home. He left the shrine for Popowa’s place where he enjoyed Popowa fully. It was a night Popowa had always dreamt of but never had because of her mum Mukina’s ever presence. Bushyanus didn’t spare Popowa at all as they damaged the bed Mukina had left for her daughter. It was early Saturday morning in KetewPomponi and most of the inhabitants had left for the farm.it was only 190 left in the house since he was still recuperating after his surgery and the ever lazy bunmioguns had left for Guapo’s house. 190 strangely began having errections for the first time since he got the horse’s kpekus.Because his Kpekus was extraordinarily big, it tore his loin. He all of a sudden began having feelings to screw. Unfortunately, there was no one around since most of the women had gone to farm. He held his long firm horse Kpekus and left for GHKwame’s pig farm.190 looked left from right, once there was nobody watching, hopped into the pig farm, grabbed one fat female pig and began the to and fro movement on the pig who apparently was also watching. Soon, the othe female pigs in there surrounded 190 and through sounds and gestures demanded their own turns as well.190 at this stage filled with the spirit of melancholy jumped from one pig to the other and was doing justice to them. [/b] 1 Like
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| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bingbagbo(m): 8:38am On Dec 23, 2013 |
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| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by BUSHYANUS(m): 8:55pm On Oct 30, 2014 |
[quote author=bingbagbo post=18962878][color=#990000][i][b]After jubilations, seun and his supporters from Totoigwe left KetewPomponi with the prize Mukina and her two sons Donkollione and sutoboy.Popowaa who was Mukina’s only daughter refused to join her mother since she feared losing her fiancé Bushyanus. The new couple arrived in Totoigwe very late so they made straight for seun’s room with Donkollione and sutoboy. Seun and Mukina jumped into bed and ordered sutoboy and Donkollione to sleep on the floor. With the room very dark, seun undressed and Mukina did same ready to “ fight”. Just as they were about to start, Donkollione lighted a lamp. This interrupted the game the new couple were so much fired up for. Both seun and Mukina could not have a wink of sleep throughout the night since Donkollione and sutoboy wouldn’t sleep too It was morning and Guapo and Bunmioguns were at the Okija shrine to demand explanations from the renowned eye of the gods why Guapo lost the historic battle after all the madman |
| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by bunmioguns(m): 9:15pm On Oct 30, 2014 |
[quote author=BUSHYANUS post=27592202][/quote]
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| Re: Barter Trade ( Joke With Nairaland Characters) by Preciousgirl(f): 2:21pm On Jul 16, 2016 |
Lol |
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