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Since those who run this country have decided that you will not enjoy any form of entertainment in your own home by constantly ensuring that power supply remains an illusion, going out is your only consolation and the cinema has thus become an integral part of your existence.
You know what they say about when you’re in Rome, right? Well, should you choose to go to the cinema around here, please be advised to obey these golden rules:
Inside the Cinema Halls…

BRING FOOD! EVERYONE in the cinema hall will be eating something. The smacking of lips seems to be a prerequisite of cinema attendance. Security at Naija cinemas is so slack that you can smuggle a cow’s thigh in. I once sat beside someone who had a bowl of Amala and goat meat! Feel free to bring your starch and banga, or fufu and Oha soup. When you are done, remember to smack your lips loudly and comment on the food, to everyone’s hearing, of course.

BRING A DRINK – If you are a guy and you are seeing a chic flick with the (in)significant other, smuggle some Vodka or Henni in a juice pack to help through the gloom. If not, just bring a straw with whatever drink you are bringing. When you have almost finished the drink, take a long drag with the straw and make a nuisance of yourself with the accompanying sound. Don’t worry, everyone else would be doing the same!

SPEAK UP! – What’s the point of a movie without commentary? Share your observations and opinions with all those who are unfortunate enough to have bought a ticket to see the same film as you: “Ah, don’t go there! The bad guy is waiting o!” “Kill him jo!” “Ah, no now (sob! Sob!!) don’t leave her now…” You will not be the only one speaking up so be as loud as possible.

KEEP YOUR LIPS TO YOURSELF – Kissing is universally accepted as a part of the cinema experience. However, if you sit in a Naija cinema anywhere within the sights of members of the National Association of Currently Unattached Female Citizens (NACUFC), you may get an earful should your lips venture forth: “What? Is it that bad? Can’t they wait till they get home? And it’s not as if they are in love like that o; yeye show-off! People who are truly in love don’t PDA. Psssssew!! Rubbish! Abeg! See see, they don’t even know how to kiss sef; is he going to swallow her tongue?!

KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF – After eating his popcorn off his date’s cleavage, a friend of mine decided to venture further with his hands. He had depended on the darkness of the cinema hall for cover but clearly underestimated the presence of ‘men of God’ in everything Nigerian. A hand grabbed his advancing fingers from behind and declared in a clerical voice: “You shall come forth but no further. Salvation is better than earthly desires!” You may hold hands, or sling your hands across shoulders, but that’s about it!


Outside the Cinema Halls

PAY TOILET TAX – After sitting through a 2hr movie, using the restrooms is always a good idea. If you are male and you go to the male convenience, please go there with some money. You will be welcome by about four cleaners who will hail you as if you are their long lost brother. They will sing your praises while you pee. They will be ready to help with the soap when you want to wash your hands. These otherwise personal acts will be rudely interrupted by these tax collectors and all through their praise-singing, there would be an underlined firmness to their request. Ignore them at your own peril. While cases of physical assaults have not been reported to us, it is just smarter to give the boys something.

DO NOT TOAST, UNLESS… – Unless you see a certified birth certificate or a sworn affidavit, do not toast any female within the walls of Silverbird or Genesis Deluxe. Looks are very deceptive and I guess you do not really want to ask your 13 year old niece’s friend out. Forget that they look developed and ready; they are kids! On the other hand, do not be deceived by the body-hugging clothes, tight jeans and flimsy tops; things are going south beneath them. So, unless you like being handled by a young-babe-wannabe cougar, you are advised to demand for certification

So true
Very hilarious
You'll need to modify or edit this piece, though. It copied thrice.

lol.......

for the smuggling food thing!! mahn that is bleeped up, i will only smuggle food if i'm coming to watch naija movies..for the smooching part... those men of god no dey again oh. what we have now are sahara reporters who will bring out dem phones and make your experience a truly cinematic one..toilet collectors no comment... if person dey hail you as you dey go shit or piss and you self dey feel am.... na you know.

for the chicks i meet at Silverbird, yeah most are aje botter with over developed titties, buh once in a while you hit real gold...if you know what i mean!!!!!

Too funny!
I have never seen people bringing food into the cinema but if it happens I wont be surprised, na Naija we dey.

Lmao! I love this. I love sarcasm.

@OP...Paragraph your points pls.

I've never been to a cinema in my life. Abeg, who go take me?

adaobi123:

Really ?

I have my own cinema at home with loads of pirated cds

Afam4eva:
I have my own cinema at home with loads of pirated cds

Okay.......but you need to go to the cinema. Just for the experience.

adaobi123:

Okay.......but you need to go to the cinema. Just for the experience.

Yes, i do. I didn't catch up with the cinema fever in Nigeria when it started a few years back.

ok.

guy u must be a joker.....anywais,y go to cinema when i can stay @ home and still watch d same movie

Okija_juju: WTF is this doing on the FP?!

water. I bet u dint even bother to read d post.

so funny ma broda..... last tym i watched a movie @ a cinema .....one dude was busy eating fufu..!

Funny but true.

Okija_juju: WTF is this doing on the FP?!

WTF are you doing here?

Give this guy an award...

The people who bring snacks to the cinema are those that don't want to spend N800 on popcorn and soft drink. They rather buy N50 popcorn and bottled coke outside and smuggle it inside

I once sat beside someone who had a bowl of Amala and goat meat!

hahahahah


“You shall come forth but no further. Salvation is better than earthly desires!” You may hold hands, or sling your hands across shoulders, but that’s about it!




DO NOT TOAST, UNLESS… – Unless you see a certified birth certificate or a sworn affidavit, do not toast any female within the walls of Silverbird or Genesis Deluxe.

op na movie u dey watch for cinema abi na people?

Nice writeup though.


....... I don't go to the cinema without my pringles

It used to be a weekly ritual for me when what is now known as Fork n Screen used to be backlot, also the AMC at Phipps, you could sit and watch wi y h peace of mind, but after what happened in a movie theater recently, you can't pay me to there. I have since replaced it with a gigantic screen TV at home and even have plans to go bigger for the holiday season.

Nice

Soo hilarious...Laffed really hard @ dat MOG interrupting dat guys' journey into d twin towers (sh!!t happens).

OP, welcome to the Land of the free and home of them brave!!! America just sing it, they rarely understand those word'z undertone.

I D♡ИŦ went to cinimans

Afam4eva: I've never been to a cinema in my life. Abeg, who go take me?

not only U̶̲̥̅̊ bro, we plenty

Soooo true. I smuggle food all the time. Buy stuff in the supermarket downstairs cuz it's cheaper and put in in my bag (you can buy a hotdog, burger, 2 drinks and a biscuit for the same cinema price as popsorn and coke. Don't dull) and those toilet guys....sheesh...Those cleaners are a never-ending nuisance.
The girls do look young though.
Those guys that talk are usually very annoying ehn Make I no lie sha, I dey talk too sometimes o!