Hello,

I am a 33 year old man and in a relationship with a girl who is 32. I am seriously considering getting married to her next year but I am concerned with a couple of attitudes/issues about her

1. She doesnt cook often: I have complained about this to her several times and each time i do, it ends in a quarrel. She always says she loves cooking yet she seems to eat out more often than she cooks at home. Then she says she doesn't see the need to cook since she is rarely at home. By the way she is a banker working in Lagos. On one occasion i visited her, i had to clean her cooker cus is was so dirty like it had not been cleaned in months. I even had to wash the dishes cus she did not before she went off to work at 6am which is understandable. She also says she doesnt cook cus she doesnt like eating what she cooks.

I remember asking her once why she doesnt cook often and she said "she feels she has paid her dues."
Again she once asked her neighbour in my presence if she could give her money to cook soup for her

2. She Seems Lazy: When I first met her early this year. She was not doing any house cleaning herself. Rather she had someone coming to do her sweeping and mopping etc. After much complaining from me which ofcourse resulted in several heated arguments, she started doing some of the house chores herself. Which is commendable.

3. Argues A Lot: Each time we get into an argument she is never willing to back down. So we end up arguing for hours up to the extent that we lose track of what started the argument in the first place. Then she says "She likes to trash out issues right there and then." For me i see this as a lack of respect. I'll rather discuss an issue than "trash it out"

She once told me during an argument that i talk trash. Though she later denied it. Perhaps i heard wrongly but really thats the kind of thing she could say when she is angry.

4. Raises Her Voice At Me: She once used to raise her voice at me each time we got into an argument. After much arguing and fighting; to be fair and honest, she has reduced the occurrence of this. Although I still have to tell her to calm down when we get into an argument. I thought it is usually the woman telling the man to calm down and not the other way round

5. Salient Issues: She takes alot of alcohol. Personally, I dont like this and I have confronted her on this as well. Once again she has drastically reduced this which i am happy about though she still drinks occasionally.


I love this girl so so much but I dont think I can cope with these attitudes explained in brief above. Really, she is pretty, intelligent, tall and strict which means she will bring her kids up well. She is also God fearing and a virgin BUT I really want to take my time and see if she will change for the better.

She told me once "think with your head not with your heart." If i think with my heart, i will go ahead and propose to her and get married immediately. But if i think with my head, I will either call the relationship an end or wait and see if she will change and conform to what I want.


Only this week she said "I am standing at her door and dont want to come in but I am also blocking other people from entering."
And that got me thinking.

If I end the relationship NOW based on the fact that am not yet convinced she will change and adhere to what I tell her (as explained above), I would have saved her time and mine and given her a chance to have a go at another relationship. I would have allowed other people to enter.

On the other hand, if I stay in the relationship for months hoping she changes and she ends up not changing, I will eventually have to end the relationship. But this will mean I would have wasted her time and mine

Please ooooo. I need your candid adviceS. Should I stay or end this relationship now? Please what should I do?

I think you should write these points the way you wrote here and give to her to read. Cos you both discussing it might not be getting to her. Also, you need to weigh her good qualities alongside her negative ones. If the negatives are things you can't live with then follow your mind. But also know that there's no perfect person out there and the next girl will come with her own set of attitudes and faults. So weigh your options bro

That lady doesn't love you enough or at all Sorry bro

which means she will bring her kids up well

@op, someone is lazy, she doesn't clean, and she doesn't cook. How can she bring her kids up well? Try and talk to her, hopefully, she would change.

Hey bro, sorry for your issues, but the truth is that you love her, right...And that means you should be able to tollerate most of her negative sides.....from her positive qualities, she seems to be quite the catch, but bro, you are not even married to her and you are getting tired of those sides, you should realize that after saying "i do" it'll get much worse "fact"....so i thing you should both sit down and really talk about these issues, cos they seem serious, let her knw how you feel, and if she loves you, she"l try her best to at least dial down the behaviours...love should be a two way thing you know, hope this helps.

Be careful

First and foremost, she's not changing anything!

Forget that part of waiting for her to change cos you're on a very long thing!

If you cannot accept her inadequacies, everybody has one-then, free her before it is too late!

Don't you ever try to change someone you wanna spend your life with. It will always bounce back at you. If you cannot accept her bad sides, bounce bro.

Best relationship advice I eva got;
Carefully n sincerely ans d question about d negatives. .Can I Live With It?? Cos if u can't live with it now, u won't b able t then.

Besides c.c also said sumtin so true..marraige tends t reveal d worst of ppl.
To yourself b true..all d best

This wonderfully good write-up almost got bastardized when you said she's a virgin.



The question is "are u sure?"
"Is she now queer bc you'll soon find out...?" Nonetheless she's over- due for marriage yet with an impish character

lokito: This wonderfully good write-up almost got bastardized when you said she's a virgin
.



The question is "are u sure?"
"Is she now queer bc I'll soon find out?" Etc

On point. If I hear? I'm doubting she one thou with all d listed complain mentioned above. Maybe she just dey give u bobo

Are u keeping the relationship because she's a virgin?

Virginity shouldn't be your top priority considering tying d knot with her, there also other qualities u need to ascertain.

A lady drinking too much of alcohol aint good and that's a red flag.

Sit her down and have a deep discussion with her about her attitude, is she willing to change? What exactly does she want from ds relationship? this one she's sayin u re blocking her way get as e be.

This ur lady matter get k-leg jaree

If you marry her,she will give you high blood pressure. just let her go

Op,aw old did u say u are sef??33 abi,ehn,u are stil young na,wait till u are 53!!or beta still go find wyf 4 village..

Bro I quite agree with the first person to comment....bt let me still add more to her own opinion...from everything u wrote down here...its quite clear that u really love the girl...and I personally define love as sacrifice...there are things u should bear in mind...there's no perfect person out there...u should be lucky that she's even portraying out her weakness @ least u know how to handle it...most ladies can really pretend and they only get to show case their true nature when u marry em...this is what I think u should do: as u stated in ur write up, put it down as a letter....let her know how u feel...tell her the truth, open up everything to her as u jst stated it here for us...but do not forget to commend the things u cherish about her..before u state these other ugly sides of her...I believe she will take some time to have a sober reflection that will cause her to change...@ the end of everything still follow ur h@ cos it what matters the most....all the best!

take note of this:

(1) you may try to change somebody but you cannot change her completely.

(2) she always argues with you and disrespect you, even though you spoke to her about it, it still persists. Bro, there is problem ahead.

(3) she said you dont want to come in and you are blocking the chance of others. The truth is she wants to rush you to marry her even with her bad quality, moreover, she is secretly dating other men outside, she has special likeness for one of these men who she prefers more than you and you are here thinking she is a virgin. Desperate ladies are the most cunniest. Wise up

(4) she is into alcohol, thats a turn off. Game over. Leave her, dont carry problem on your head that you cant handle.

(5) the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If she cant cook now, whem will she have the time to cook for you. The signs are there for you to see. Help you life and get another lady.

Make i stop here before them go say this thing too long ooo.

I hope you know she is human and imperfect. Marriage magnifies our weakenesses,at same time know that she is growing. Someone suggested that you mail this letter to her and I believe that is a great suggestion. You have to be able to tell your wife to be your truth. If you can't tell her what you just wrote here then the foundation of your communication will be weak. You should tone down the critical tone we all don't like to be criticised we go into defensive mode and as per virgin she'll most likely have a sense of entitlement which is ok but requires skill and patience in handling.

Really this girl is not bad. The real test of a committed rship is whether you can grow together inspite of everything so don't throw away the baby with the bath water.

andromida: I hope you know she is human and imperfect. Marriage magnifies our weakenesses,at same time know that she is growing. Someone suggested that you mail this letter to her and I believe that is a great suggestion. You have to be able to tell your wife to be your truth. If you can't tell her what you just wrote here then the foundation of your communication will be weak. You should tone down the critical tone we all don't like to be criticised we go into defensive mode and as per virgin she'll most likely have a sense of entitlement which is ok but requires skill and patience in handling.

Really this girl is not bad. The real test of a committed rship is whether you can grow together inspite of everything so don't throw away the baby with the bath water.

it is the 'trash it out' mentality dat is my problem wit this girl.

baralatie:
it is the 'trash it out' mentality dat is my problem wit this girl.

Yeah I know how men like to do things their own way and nothing wrong with that,that's all good. The thing here is this is how she knows to handle matters and if he really loves her this is a learning curve for both of them,they either make it or break it.

Anyone can learn how to relate better in a relationship.

@ op If you youself are a Christian: then this should definitely be a straightforward matter. To be completely honest with you, your mind being alerted to the issues you pointed out in this lady is a stern warning for you.. You don't need God or Nairaland advice on this topic.
Somewhere in your post: you said the lady is God-fearing, a Christian and so forth. I will challenge your notion of 'God-fearing' however as the characters she is displaying is a contradiction to such claims. She has to accord you the respect and submission that you should command as her fiance and would-be husband. Challenging authority that God has put in place is total disrspect to God himself.

In addition to the other issues which you have mentioned about this lady namely: lack of culinary enthusiasm, laziness and poor hygiene, you have to be rational as a man and put this lady behind you (as harsh as it may sound). Prayerfully and actively search for a suitable helper which God will bring forth. I really do not believe you have found one. Even if she was supposed to be your suitable helper, she is not acting in the 'role'. So no time to waste on false investment.

Godmouth: @ op If you youself are a Christian: then this should definitely be a straightforward matter. To be completely honest with you, your mind being alerted to the issues you pointed out in this lady is a stern warning for you.. You don't need God or Nairaland advice on this topic.
Somewhere in your post: you said the lady is God-fearing, a Christian and so forth. I will challenge your notion of 'God-fearing' however as the characters she is displaying is a contradiction to such claims. She has to accord you the respect and submission that you should command as her fiance and would-be husband. Challenging authority that God has put in place is total disrspect to God himself.

In addition to the other issues which you have mentioned about this lady namely: lack of culinary enthusiasm, laziness and poor hygiene, you have to be rational as a man and put this lady behind you (as harsh as it may sound). Prayerfully and actively search for a suitable helper which God will bring forth. I really do not believe you have found one. Even if she was supposed to be your suitable helper, she is not acting in the 'role'. So no time to waste on false investment.

She is not his wife yet. He does not act like a husband either why is he expecting submission from a woman who is his friend. Heck she is not even his fiance,he has a no of check points against her. She should not act any role but that of herself if adjustments can be made to suit both parties all good if not everyone can go their separate ways.

baralatie:
it is the 'trash it out' mentality dat is my problem wit this girl.

I think you're reading too much meaning into that phrase.
By that, she probably means settle it right there and then and not 'trash' as you're making it sound!

alutacontinua:

I think you're reading too much meaning into that phrase.
By that, she probably means settle it right there and then and not 'trash' as you're making it sound!

I havnt heard this term but I have heard the one "thrash it out" as in like ...lets throw all our issues/ out in the open

oyinbogirl:

I havnt heard this term but I have heard the one "thrash it out" as in like ...lets throw all our issues/ out in the open

thank u for that explaination!

alutacontinua:

I think you're reading too much meaning into that phrase.
By that, she probably means settle it right there and then and not 'trash' as you're making it sound!

pls go thru where the op used that phrase.she actually brings out Evryting in2 the open!dats serious!(she neva born o)

andromida:

She is not his wife yet. He does not act like a husband either why is he expecting submission from a woman who is his friend. Heck she is not even his fiance,he has a no of check points against her. She should not act any role but that of herself if adjustments can be made to suit both parties all good if not everyone can go their separate ways.

gbam!u ar nw seeing what i am seeing!

Is there really an existing intimacy or they are doing 'cat & mouse' relatinshp.

baralatie:
gbam!u ar nw seeing what i am seeing!

Is there really an existing intimacy or they are doing 'cat & mouse' relatinshp.

I can see that now most likely a cat and mouse rship

andromida:

She is not his wife yet. He does not act like a husband either why is he expecting submission from a woman who is his friend. Heck she is not even his fiance,he has a no of check points against her. She should not act any role but that of herself if adjustments can be made to suit both parties all good if not everyone can go their separate ways.

She is not his wife yes: but what the poster is seeing now in her is an indication of what he may have to live with for the rest of his life. To most men: the lady's attitude isn't really promising/attractive as a wife to be. Nothing biased against this lady: but assuming all the poster has said is true: then as a guy my advice for him is to move on.

Some women don't enjoy what they cook personally, so how will you expect her to cook often When she's, married and has her husband and kids to cater for, you think she is going to keep eating out? You need to be clearer here. Does she find it hard to cook for you at your crib? Inshort is it that you have no idea if shez good at cooking?

You said shez a banker, hence she has little time for herself. Let me tell you one little secret; when some people live alone, they don't bother to much about things especially when they aren't always around. Maybe she was runing late and probabli if there was extra time she would have been able to wash the dishes. Am not saying that's what hapened but you need to watch out for when shez relaxed and less busy and her home is unkept and she stil does nothin about it. Don't jump into conclusion yet.

Drinking. Unfortunateli that's a no no

Trash things out? Some men hold the concept of respect too dear that they read more into words. I think your one of them. Nevertheless I still think shez rude and I doubt if you can change this about her. Either you accept this by being the calmer one or you just say goodbye to the relationship. The trick for this kind of behaviour, is to avoid arguing with her. Just leave her hanging, walk out or something . When you keep talking, you keep encouraging whatever it is shez saying. But when you keep mute and distant, shed find her way back to you sober.

Nobody or relationship is perfect. Your first assignment should be to find a way to handle and manage her negatives. When it becomes clear that this is more than you. Take a bow.

@ Op
with all u ve listed, if i were u i would end that relationship. I mean a woman who doesnt cook, clean her place and talk back at me. u can say am an alpha male but that was how i was brought up. I respect my woman and also love to be respected if u dont mind.I know a laady who is 28yrs and still i virgin when i was with her. Though i would never call a lady a virgin until i confirm fully.Hope u sure u know what u are saying cos Nigerian gals can pretend ooo but virginity is not a criterion for marriage.

Harbosede02: Op,aw old did u say u are sef??33 abi,ehn,u are stil young na,wait till u are 53!!or beta still go find wyf 4 village..

What do u mean with that. If i see a lady who has all the qualities i desire and from a village, I will marry her compared to a city gal. By the way are u better than people in a village. If u were born in the village am sure u wont type wat u typed here. Sometimes we need to think about wat we type here

andromida: I hope you know she is human and imperfect. Marriage magnifies our weakenesses,at same time know that she is growing. Someone suggested that you mail this letter to her and I believe that is a great suggestion. You have to be able to tell your wife to be your truth. If you can't tell her what you just wrote here then the foundation of your communication will be weak. You should tone down the critical tone we all don't like to be criticised we go into defensive mode and as per virgin she'll most likely have a sense of entitlement which is ok but requires skill and patience in handling.

Really this girl is not bad. The real test of a committed rship is whether you can grow together inspite of everything so don't throw away the baby with the bath water.

seconded
Meanwhile, @op nice write up. Kudos

too many conflicting and confusing solutions, some even giving the advice they can't adhere to

Op you indeed love her but you are also staying because you think she is a VIRGIN...minus that she has a terrible character

Ask yourself if she was not a virgin or if you find out will you still end or continue?

Sir! Please she obviously need help both physically and spiritually you still need to include God in your lives...

PRAY FOR HER... You can't change her all on your own!!!
Best of luck!!!