Its Not Funny?

One thing is obvious I'm a bad kisser. In need of help, i sent a letter to a love doctor came across online. He replied me, but I'm not sure if I should follow his advice.

Y'all please help a bro

Dear Dr. Love,

I need your help. I have never considered
myself as a romantic or a great lover, even
though I had moments of my own. Anyway I
thought so, until one day when one lady told
me that I was a bad kisser. How do you tell if
a person is good kisser or bad kisser? It’s
funny because you don’t have to be a rocket
scientist to know how to kiss, like I said I was
wrong. I could still remember very well what
she said to me word for word before she ran
out of the room. "Aaaw, what was that?" She
asked me. "Why are you sticking your tongue
out like that, you scaring me, when you kiss,
you should close your mouth and use your
lips not your tongue, you are a bad kisser,
bad kisser", she said repeatedly and stood up
and ran out of the room. I felt small, like a
puppy, been shouted at. That was the last
time I ever saw her. Anyway who cares, that
was just one lousy opinion from someone I
didn’t like at all. She wasn’t beautiful or sexy
like Beyonce, it was her loss. I was ten years
old at that time and she was thirteen. But
ever since that fateful day I have been having
problems committing to a relationship
because of what this girl said to me,
especially when it came to kissing. A few
weeks ago I went out with this girl and it
made the situation even worse, and here's
what happened.

Here goes!

Now I’m grown up and I was going out on my
first date with someone. This girl is beautiful.
She is funny. She is smart. So she suggested
that we go out for a movie. "Nothing serious,
she said, just friends going out together". But
for me this was an opportunity to make my
move. I have seen the way she looked at me.
Well I can’t tell how, but you know that
feeling, that may be she likes you a lot, or
not. Maybe is the clue here and tonight I
wanted that may be to change to definite. My
friend David always tells me that I’m hygiene
freak. I don’t think so. One has to take care
of themselves. Like, washing your hands ten
times after you came out from the bathroom.
Or always using tissue wipes after someone
shook your hands, or when eating you
separate all veggies so that they don’t touch
each other, just in case they might cause you
to bloat and always use dental flossing to
keep my teeth healthy even in public.

Is that too much? Again I don’t think so. So
today was the big night. I was getting ready
for the evening. I took my shower as usual,
made sure that I was clean, very clean. I re-
ironed my clothes just to make sure that
there weren’t any wrinkles. For the first time
in my life I used cologne. It smelled terrible;
I hope she will like it. I took my dental floss
pack; put it in back pocket of my trouser. I
could do nothing with my braces, I just had
to clean them and I brought mint, extra mint
just in case they came handy. We were to
meet outside the cinema, so I started getting
ready to leave; as I was leaving I noticed that
my nose was bleeding. I quickly wiped it and
left for the cinema.

The movie was nice. We both enjoyed it. Though I was more anxious about what was going to happen after the movie. She suggested that we go to her place for tea. We did. I was a nervous wreck. I knew what tea meant; or hoped I did!!! Funny thing is that she did not see that, or maybe she pretended not to. We arrived in her place, had the tea, and then we listen to some music. She then suggested that we dance, my legs would not allow me, yet I agreed. It was a slow dance just between friends. We were so close to each other that I could smell her hair, it was like a thousand wildflowers, it was beautiful. Her hair was long, blonde and she looked beautiful. Her skin, smooth dark skinned, I felt like a prince with his princess! Then my heart started beating fast. It was like horses running on my chest, I felt like I was choking, then I knew what I had to do, kiss her. My brain started sending these signals like flashes, just saying "kiss her, kiss her!. You wanna know if i kissed her at that moment?
Of course not, what are you smoking? my mouth could not open. As we got closer to each other, my heart could not take
it anymore, it wanted to come out from my mouth.

"Was I afraid? I thought to myself. She
looked at me, as if she knew what I was
thinking; and that was the sign I was waiting
for, I made my move. I thrust my head
forward, she did the same. My heart was
pounding like hammer in my chest. My legs
were getting wobbly. Our lips almost
touching, I could not contain the excitement.
I could also see it in her eyes; she wanted me
to kiss her. Then the unexpected happened, I
missed a step on my dance move. My left leg
got caught on the carpet, I was falling down,
but because we were too close to each other,
I held on to her with my weight, she
screamed, tried to pick us up, but she was
too weak. She let go of me. I held on to her,
through her hair! Big mistake!!! This time she
really screamed. I managed to pick myself
up, with her hair, but I tripped again on the
same spot and this time my teeth braces caught
her hair because my mouth was open, it was
very scary and funny too, because here I was,
with the most beautiful woman, and me
caught on to her hair with my braces.

She was screaming, I was screaming too,
telling her not to move. She managed to pull
her hair out from my mouth. In the process,
some of her hair got pulled from her and
they were in my mouth. I looked like a
freaking zombie. Then I noticed something
else, there was blood on her head. She
looked at me too, and also told me that there
was blood on my face. Fear took all over me
as I realized that may be I might have bitten
her, like a vampire, "what was wrong with
me, I asked myself. Whose blood was it? We
asked ourselves. Then I remembered; my
nose had started bleeding again. We were
both covered in blood; my blood. Then the
worse thing happened, she saw a glimpse of
herself on the bathroom mirror. She
screamed so loud, that I thought her voice
was going to burst. If she was auditioning for
a screaming part in a horror movie, she
would have gotten the part. My shirt was
now covered in blood.

Her neighbor came and knocked on the door
wanting to know what was happening. He
banged on the door so hard I thought it was
going to break.
"Hey, what’s happening in there? Open up."
He screamed while banging on the door. He
banged again.
She went and opened the door for him, when
he saw the blood on her head, and the blood
on my clothes, He also saw her hair in my
mouth; he came running straight to me with
his fists clenched.

"You bloody bastard," he said, raising his
right hand up and still moving towards me.
He was a big man, but he moved fast. He
reminded me of Mohamed Ali. He once said,
"Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee".
This neighbor did float like a butterfly
because he just moved so swift I just saw him
next to me, and of course his heavy punch stung like a bee; because the last thing I remembered was seeing his fist on my face and like, this pain that came and disappeared again very fast. He had knocked me unconscious, TKO style.

I woke up in hospital after a few days. The
doctor told me they had to remove my
braces because apparently when I ripped that
girl's hair out, the braces came out and were
hanging, also it could be the impact of the
fist from the neighbor that could also have
dislocated them, we will never know for sure.
All I knew was that I was in pain because of a
kiss. The man apologized eventually after
learning what really happened. He said he
thought I was attempting to rape the young
woman. Maybe he wanted her too for
himself. Cos i don't know why he would go to such trouble to beat up someone he did not know?

So doc! Please tell me this, should I kiss or
not kiss in the future, because on both
occasions I tried it, it was very traumatic for
me. What is your professional advice; to kiss
or not to kiss?

Anonymous

PS: Should I call the girl again? Please answer
quick, it's urgent!

The Doctor's Reply

Dear Anonymous,

I'm very sorry to hear such a story from you.
Some businesses in life can be very nasty
especially when it comes to kissing. I must
say that your case is a very rare one. Kissing
shouldn't be such a problem. There are two
issues that I would like to bring to your
attention that disturbed me the most. While
reading your letter, the fact that you torn
that poor girls' hair out, scared me the most.
I was just imagining and thinking that what if
it was my daughter. She would be hairless
and definitely won't want to see you again. I
would actually go after you and beat the hell
out of you myself. But I believe that I have a
solution for you. Don't despair my friend.

But just then before I continue, the first
issue is; are you really a vampire? Did you
bite that poor defenseless girl? Please pardon
me, didn't mean to pry into your business.
Whether you are a vampire or not, it's fine
with me. But strange enough is that; what
kind of a vampire are you that can't kiss,
have you watched movies like Vampire's
Diaries, or the Twilight Saga movies. Those
vampires can kiss. I'm so disappointed in you
as a doctor and as a vampire fan. Again, I
apologize; it's not in my place to judge you.
You might happen to be one of those funny
vampires that drinks red juice made out of
cranberries anyway. Come bite me! I dare
you! Either way I will still help you solve your
kissing problem.

The second issue is; if you are not a vampire,
how in the world would you stick out your
tongue like that to kiss a girl? The sight of
your tongue sticking out would have made
me to run away too. Maybe she saw your
vampire teeth, and that's what made her to
run away. We will never know. But my best
guess is it was your tongue. You don't stick
out your tongue when kissing a girl, and
worse you closed your eyes while doing it.
That's a big NO! My friend you might just be
one of those hopeless cases that medical
science can't fix. But like I said, I might have
a solution for you. Now I have kissed a lot of
women in my life, both as a man and as a
doctor. I cannot divulge certain information
of who I kissed because of doctor-patient
confidentiality. For example, Mrs. Bukola Joseph, a patient of mine, whose husband had LRS (Lip Rejection Syndrome). I had to kiss her every time she came for her consultation as part of her therapy because her husband had a
phobia against kissing. The poor woman's lips
were dry because her husband would not kiss
her. Because of her Christianity, she didn't
want to cheat on her husband, so she came
for this therapy. She has become a good
kisser actually and her husband is proud of
her.

Now let's see how we solve your problem.
The first thing you must do is to find a girl to
kiss. Now that might be difficult to do. So I
suggest you get a pillow. Now as you read
this, you must do it step by step. Do not read
then do, do as you read this reply. Did you
get the pillow? It must be those soft cushy
ones. Don't put any make up on; you might
end up staining it. This is how you are going
to do it. You need to relax. If your heart rate
starts beating fast like there are a thousand
horses galloping in your chest, just think of
something relaxing like your first day to
school! Oh heck! I can see by gaze in your
eyes that your first day to school was not
relaxing, you cried didn't you? Oh man! What
kind of man-vampire are you?

Okay, it's alright, Hold the pillow with your
left hand. Open your eyes don't close them.
Now purse your lips in such a way that the
pillow will know your intention. Look excited!
Actually you need to sound excited, don't
know how you are going to manage that. Now
bring your lips closer to the pillow, with your
eyes opened, your lips pursed, move your
left hand closer to your face, move your
head closer to the pillow also. Feel the
softness of the pillow with your right hand,
and then you start counting down, five, four,
three, two, and one... then full force you
stick your lips on the pillow and kiss it, make
sure that your tongue is not sticking out at
all. Do this for a full three minutes, and then
tell me how did it feel?


Didn't you feel stupid? How in the world
would you that to yourself. Are you that
desperate for a kiss that you end up kissing
pillows? My friend you really amaze me.
Please drop the pillow down! I know you still
holding it you fool! Two things I want you to
do for me. First, slap yourself very hard on
the face and say this to yourself - "I' am
stupid, I shouldn't have done this to myself.
And then second thing is; this is what I want
you to do, run out from that room to your
girlfriend's place, the one whose hair you
removed with your teeth. Please make sure
that the neighbor is not there, because he
will beat you up again! And when she opens
the door, just hold her close to you and kiss
her. Don't say anything just kiss her until she
let go. If she slaps you, then you know it was
good kiss. If she does not slap you, then you
still suck as a kisser and there is nothing I
can do for you my friend! Good luck and
happy kissing!

P.S. - Please note that I am not a real
doctor, My name is Saka, I am a mechanic, I am just holding this space for my real doctor friend whose gone for a vacation to Abuja for the next two weeks. Forget everything I've said, just go and kiss the girl, hope this works for you!

Lmfao