My top 3 Jokes ever!!! - Jokes Etc - Nairaland
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| My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 2:18pm On Jun 27, 2014 |
Ochuko sits next to a girl on a table in a hotel Ochuko: hello madam? Lady: what is it? Ochuko: sorry madam, just wanted to ask what the time is on your watch? Lady: ehee …now you think my watch is used as a public clock huh? Go away and stop wasting my time Ochuko: but madam....................... Lady: shut the phuck up!!! Ochuko takes out his Apple phone and makes a call Ochuko: hello John I just settled from Washington D.C can you please tell me what time it is right now so that I can set my clock to the local time since it still reads American time? *she listens* Ok, thank you and today don’t forget to come for the galaxy tablet that you requested * she listens* Since my girl is still in America bring me a beautiful girl to spend my money with tonight Ok bye Lady: Sir the time is............ …. Ochuko: shut the phuck up !!!!! 3 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 2:29pm On Jun 27, 2014 |
Mumuni walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset. "What's the matter, buddy ?" asks the bartender. "It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We tripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!'' ''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender. ''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a b*tch pissed out the window right onto my head! " ''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood." ''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!'' ''Damn, that really is a drag!'' ''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his a55 out of the window and let loose right on my head!'' ''That would sure mess up my day." ''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off ? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!'' 13 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 2:48pm On Jun 27, 2014 |
Mumuni, who was in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."Obviously, his release was denied. Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same."I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place." Again, he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and Mumuni told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions." So, after considerable coaching, Mumuni felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. Mumuni said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down." "Good," they said, and then what ?" He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating." They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what ?" "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed." "Yes," they said excitedly. "Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued. The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do ?" He said, " I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place! 8 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 3:17pm On Jun 27, 2014 |
Bonuses Ofego was being discharged from a Mental Hospital after doctors thought he was finally back to normal. He was put in an ambulance to be taken back home. He claimed he knew the house so he led the doctors. They took him to where he claimed he lived. Just as they approached a certain house, two kids, dressed in uniforms came out of the house. Ofego screamed, "Those are my children going to school!" A minute later, a woman came out of the same house and Ofego screamed, "That's my wife, she is late for work!" This time, the doctors were convinced Ofego was ok and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains. Just as they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Ofego screamed, "YES! THAT'S ME GOING TO WORK!"  8 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by jayyungg(m): 3:19pm On Jun 27, 2014 |
LWKMD |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 11:31am On Jun 29, 2014 |
** SENSE PASS SENSE ** An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Nigerians are so dumb that he can fool them easily..,....,. so the lawyer asks if the naija guy would like to play a fun game. The nigerian is tired and just wants to rest, so he politely declines and tries to catch some sleep. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun "I ask u a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only 5dollars; you ask me one and if I dont know the answer, I will pay u $500. As naija no be dull guys naau, this catches the nigerian's attention and to keep d lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks d 1st question "what's the distance from earth to the moon? The naija guy doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out 5dollars the hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the omo naija turn. He ask the lawyer, "what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with four? The lawyer uses his laptop, searches the internet and even the Library of Congress. He sends emails to all his smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After 1 hour of futile searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the naija guy and hands him $500. The nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. So he wakes the naija guy up the asks, "well, so what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with four? The nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer 5dollars and goes back to sleep. 6 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 3:40pm On Jul 19, 2014 |
A famous inspirational speaker said: "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife" Audience was in shock and silence. He added " she was my mother". (A big round of applause and laughter) Mumuni who was part of the audience decided to try crack this at home. After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the KITCHEN. "best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife" *...Mumuni stood still for a while, trying to recall the second line of the speaker.* By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from BURNS OF BOILING WATER!!! 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by kliq(m): 5:04pm On Jul 19, 2014 |
@ofego  |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by danchuzzy(m): 5:24pm On Jul 19, 2014 |
the last two jokes got me cracking a bit. but what is it with you and mental hospitals and jokes? jus saying! #last bullet.... your signature is a good joke too |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by funkystanl(m): 4:26pm On Jul 20, 2014 |
Paroman: Mumuni, who was in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. Nice one but edit completely...... |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 1:39pm On Jul 23, 2014 |
Ofego: pastor, I have sinned. Pastor: my son, wat did u do? just confess wat u did exactly.God Almighty will forgive you. Ofego: (sobbing), pastor I committed adultery with several of the female church members. Pastor: can you mention their names and how many times you slept with each of them? You see for your forgiveness to be complete, you need to mention them so that we can also pray for them. Ofego: aaaaah pastor I can't, I am ashamed. Pastor: okay this is what we will do; after service, we will go to the church entrance together and watch members come out, once anyone you ve slept with comes out, just say 'PAU'. The number of times u say 'PAU' will indicate d number of times you slept with that particular person. *................And so they went to the church entrance..........* Head usher passes wriggling her buttocks. Ofego: pau pau pastor:the Lord forgive you decon's wife passes carrying her bible. Ofego: pau pastor: may the Lord forgive you A choir member passes singing. Ofego: pau pau pau pastor: God will forgive you. Yes, he will. Lo and behold, pastor's wife passes by and Ofego goes off like a machine gun Ofego: pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pau pra papa pau pastor: yeeeeeepaaaaa!! ! God punish your father! God will never forgive you. 2 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 9:17pm On Jul 24, 2014 |
Jose Mourinho on an interview with CNN after leaving Inter to coach Real Madrid “I could write a book of 200 pages of my two years at Inter with Mario, but the book would not be a drama – it would be a comedy,” “I remember one time when we went to play Kazan in the Champions League. In that match I had all my strikers injured. No Diego Milito, no Samuel Eto’o, I was really in trouble and Mario was the only one. “Mario got a yellow card in the 42nd minute, so when I got to the dressing room at half-time I spend about 14 minutes of the 15 available speaking only to Mario. “I said to him: ‘Mario, I cannot change you, I have no strikers on the bench, so don’t touch anybody and play only with the ball. If we lose the ball no reaction. If someone provokes you, no reaction, if the referee makes a mistake, no reaction.' At the The 46th minute . , , . . . RED CARD!!!” |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 11:12am On Sep 07, 2014 |
mmm |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by OGB20: 4:46pm On Sep 07, 2014 |
Wait is dis a joke  |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Mpchi(m): 2:18pm On Sep 08, 2014 |
Paroman: Jose Mourinho on an interview with CNN after leaving Inter to coach Real Madrid. Nice one bro. |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 6:25am On Sep 12, 2014 |
OGB20: Wait is dis a jokeNo it is a ballad |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by hayoakins(m): 10:24am On Sep 12, 2014 |
Paroman: ...*...Mumuni stood still for a while, trying to recall the second line of the speaker.* hahahahhahaha, Mumuni and Akpors, we crazy pass? |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by boofydon: 7:21pm On Sep 12, 2014 |
hayoakins:pls reply my pm |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by hayoakins(m): 12:17pm On Sep 15, 2014 |
boofydon: Apologies, I have replied. |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 8:12am On Oct 01, 2014 |
RULES OF FOOTBALL WHEN WE WERE KIDS IN YORUBALAND: 1. The fat kid was always the goalkeeper 2. The owner of the ball decides who plays. 3. Penalties awarded only if injured player curses a lot. 4. The match only ends when everyone was tired. 5. No matter how many goals you score, the winner will be determined by the last team to score. 6. No referee and lines men. You could run with the ball even behind the goal post. 7. If you don't participate in repairing the ball you were given a match ban. 8. If you're picked last, you're a loser. 9. The guy who's never picked was to fetch the ball from the tree when it got stuck,under the car or tunnel to play in the next game. 10. When the owner of the ball gets annoyed, game over! 11. You were allowed to change a goalkeeper in case of a penalty. 12. the most skillful player gets automatic selection. |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by GudyGoodie: 8:32am On Oct 01, 2014 |
dats soo funy |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Kai5vil: 12:03pm On Oct 01, 2014 |
. |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Warlord3000(m): 7:58pm On May 02, 2015 |
These are classics  |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by k4kenny(f): 11:26am On May 03, 2015 |
wow! so this is where friedplantain copied and pasted all the jokes that made fp. chai! |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by Nobody: 12:47pm On May 03, 2015 |
k4kenny:Actually this was my previous handle before I changed to friedplantain.  |
| Re: My top 3 Jokes ever!!! by k4kenny(f): 7:44pm On May 03, 2015 |
FriedPlantain: Okies. Nice jokes there . |
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