Still trying 2 recover from NL's data loss; i was very much affected. Just feel like i've lost some part of my history......oya make una (gals only) sit down 4 my laps begin pet me now b4 I start 2 cry .

Meanwhile, make we use some nawti jokes console ourselves over d NL apocalypse, naija's exit from d WC, M.I's delay of ChairmanAlbum, and also 4 all our brodas in d friendzone

Feel free 2 drop ur nawti jokes

»»»»»A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that hausa men have the longest average penis, yoruba men have the biggest average diameter and igbo men have the highest stamina in bed. By the way, my name is Juliet. What's yours?" He replies, "Abdullahi Oluwadamilola Chukwuemeka, nice to meet you."


»»»»»A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant. ‘Would you like to buy some?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’


»»»»»There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the butt and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Grandpa. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!


»»»»»A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: … DAD : Son where were you today during school hours? SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay I went to the movies! DAD : Which one? SON : Harry Potter (robot slaps Son again!) Okay I was watching Indecency. DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know Indecency! (robot slaps dad) MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)


»»»»»A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


»»»»»Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a**hole before prison... .'"


»»»»»A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".
She says "99".
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99".
She says "99".
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99"
She says, "one, two, three....... ...".


»»»»»Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?"
Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

»»»»»President Vladimir Putin called Tony Blair with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Vladimir, the English people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime minister.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Blair.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied tony Blair and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Durex. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Durex.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said tony Blair, "print 'MADE IN ENGLAND, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."


»»»»»An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?'.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'
The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

»»»»»The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in ourfair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"

»»»»»
A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Jo.
One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary-looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."
"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"
And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"
And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."
"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"
The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

»»»»»A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $100."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A coupl weeks later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

»»»»»Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

»»»»»
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F.UCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f.uck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

»»»»»
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off d.icks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away for free."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off c.unts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

»»»»»
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

»»»»»A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

»»»»»
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to f.uck your brains out, and suck your t.its dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

»»»»»A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

»»»»»A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."


»»»»»
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pucccy, and their b.itch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pucccy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pucccy." the son then asks "What's a b.itch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a female dog and says "Son, this is a b.itch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pucccy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vvagina and says "Son, this is a pucccy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b.itch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

»»»»»
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost everything, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the driver. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The driver said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but the same driver who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blowwjob on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabby replied “fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.


»»»»»A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for a.nal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did. He asked, “Does it hurt you?” She said no. The Doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice a.nal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.” The woman was mystified. She asked, “You can get pregnant from a.nal sex?” The Doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?”


»»»»»A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colours”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What colour are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!”


»»»»»A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.” She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”


»»»»»A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied. “In-laws.”


»»»»»
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.
The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot of land would cost too much.
After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.
"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."
"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"
"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."
"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that Mouth Action you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .


»»»»»Wife gets naked and asks her husband, “What turns you on more… my pretty face or my sexy body?” Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, “Your sense of humour.”


»»»»»One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin!” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!” So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?” The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.” The goblin replies “OK, you’ve got it.” Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. “Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies. “F.uck me!” says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

»»»»»Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey…” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left b.reast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right b.reast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and stroke my dicckk one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and stroke my dicckk….......hundred times.”


»»»»
When Ralph first noticed that his dicckk was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his dicckk had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent physician. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor. “Well,” said the wife, “you are planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you?”


»»»»»A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,........,twenty seven, you, twenty nine, thirty,...…”


»

--------->Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

------->A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”
His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”


-------->
An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”
“Warehouses!?” the soldier shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

------->A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well…” said her mother, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, mamma!” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out in tears. “But mamma, as soon as we returned, Tom started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful four letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMMA!”
“Sarah, Sarah…” her mother said, “Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words did he say?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, Mamma!” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!”
“Darling, baby, you have to tell your mother these horrible four letter words.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mamma … he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook…”
“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.” said the mother.

------->A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

-------->One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.

-------->A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?” “Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?”

------->Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, pounds the shot glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and then bench press it 100 times.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses onto the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fucckk the cat.”

------->A couple are sitting in the living room one evening, and the wife starts to watch a cooking show on the television.
The husband asks, “What you watching that for? You can’t cook!”
Wife replies, “You watch pornn don’t you?”

------->At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks “How did you know?”. “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.” She then says “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, ”Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer ”I didn’t feel a thing.”

All of una reading n laughing n not commenting or adding jokes......
Hmmmmm.....
All dis silence dat u pple are sharing here.....chai! chai!
Meanwhile, click these links 2 read these two extremely witty, sarcastic, laugh-till-u-get-6packs articles. Thank me later.

https://www.nairaland.com/1799412/g.e-joes-most-recent-presidential
AND
https://www.nairaland.com/1797086/5-badass-nigerians-whose-lives

Yea I know nigerians are very lazy 2 click links. Don't worry I'm not redirecting u 2 anoda site. D links are still pages on nairaland here.

D jokes funny die sha

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guy's hand onto her p.uss.y. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…” she says. So in goes another digit. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “OK!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy squeezes both of his hands in. “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t!” says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight p.uss.y!”.


----->A guy finally gets hitched with his long time sweetheart. Right from the first night of their honeymoon, he was gravely concerned about the unfortunate size of his small diccck. He decided the best thing he could do was to substitute his dicckk with a pickle, hoping this would satisfy his new wife. After a week of humping her with the pickle, it was clear that the pickle solved the problem.
Elapse seven years later, he still used a pickle instead of his tiny diccck, but not without growing concern he would one day be caught.
One night, while the two were fucckking, something made the wife suspicious that all was not perfect. She quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights. Looking down at the pickle in his hand the wife shouted, “What the hell is that! Are you using a pickle on me? I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that… you piece of shit!” The man responded loudly, “Shut the fucckk up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell all those kids came from!”


----->I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my dicckk tastes funny…”


----->A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said, “You have the biggest dicckk of all your friends.”


----->The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom fucckking a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the food I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”


----->A woman heavily pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”


----->
A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter party.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”


----->A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the fuccking wall!”

----->During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.” “All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You UnCloth and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”


----->
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his LovePeddler and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the LovePeddler again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

Funny and witty jokes. LMAO.