By Emmy Ejekam

It has been a puzzle to me as I watch the rate families are disintegrating among Nigerians living here in Houston lately. And I can wager that what is happening in Houston, Texas (where I live) is typical of the rest of America. As I attribute this unfortunate trend to the environment and stress associated with living in America, my thoughts and research have shown that there are many other variables that have been affecting our lives here, which most of us have not accepted as reality, therefore, triggering the ripple effect of high divorce rate.

There is resistance among Nigerians to accept the fact that we live in a system that is more sympathetic to women and, what is a norm in an African oriented/Nigerian family maybe viewed as unconventional. The role of husbands in America is totally and mutually exclusive when it is compared to that in Nigerian context.

While America has been so receptive to the influx of immigrants from every part of the world, the assimilation and transition challenges have been traumatic to these cultures. The dramatic culture clash, values, norms and open society pose the biggest challenge to most foreigners who have been assimilated and grounded in their ethnic culture, in contrast, to the host culture. It will sound illogical if the blame is solely attributed to the American culture; we, as the visitors have our role to play in order to bridge this disparity gap. Based on our slow pace of assimilation, the culture shock blossoms, leading to family cracks and sometimes ending in divorce or worse, death.

How do most Nigerians marry?
A typical marriage between two Nigerians usually starts from home. There is a myth that most marriages between Africans and Americans are usually faked. An assumption which has and continues to hunt true and candid marriage relationships between the two cultures. Therefore, the gamble to marry from Nigeria, especially those who have the potential to make money, instigates the rush to nursing and medical schools in Nigeria to engage and marry, not a soul mate, but a potential money making nurse, doctor or pharmacist. This expensive and tedious adventure has become a game of chance. Majority of these men go home to seek a wife they have never known, while others decide to fetch a sweetheart that will come over to America and become a wonderful soul mate or a nightmare.

The brewing of the problem starts from the approach of the suitors from the great US of A, where dollars speaks load and clear. Diaspora Nigerians will use their hard earned money to travel and impress these wives to be without minding the perception and ramifications of their actions. It is acceptable to lie to a girl friend to win her over for dating pleasures, however, it is suicidal to lie to a life partner of your lavish wealth in America; the one you have decided to spend the rest of your life with; while in reality, you are finding it hard to pay your rent in an efficiency apartment.

After the lavish expenses involved, the spouse finally gets to America to find out the reality. She is very excited and at the same time disappointed to be here, feeling stuck, she opts for plan B because A has faltered. The opportunities, rights and liberties accorded to women will impress her new plan. She will start to realize that her husband does not live up to whom he projected while at home. He does not have a good job, big car, a mansion and other expectations he projected during the courting period; he is not settled!

On her arrival, his rich friends pull up in all kinds of expensive vehicles while checking her out, flaunting their money, titles and class. Remember, some of these wives already planned on leaving as soon as they have gotten situated. While they have their plans going, the men are toiling to train these wives since the system is more favorable to women. The first line of action is to put her through school and at the same time mak her pregnant. The wife goes to school and carries the pregnancy. Everything is going great, because the man plays the African male figure and head of household, while the poor wife dances to the tune on a borrowed time. Despite the burden of going to school, being pregnant and working, the woman continues to perform her chores as a wife. The man also continues to play the role, praying for her graduation and eventual self-actualization. In some situations, there may be family issues that may prop up and the woman is reminded of her role and how she was brought to America, the greatest country in the world. Some marriages may involve verbal abuse, humiliation and physical abuse. While all these are going on, information and communication are flying from friends, relatives and associates who directly or indirectly influence the outcome of this marriage. While some will caution dialog, others will instigate different measures to resolve the issue, including but not limited to contacting the authorities.

The degeneration of the marriage continues and leads to more suspicious issues: infidelity, rumors of leaving, unsatisfactory sexual performance and other innuendos. Both parties are suspicious of each other and the crack in the marriage continues to widen. The complications that arise will destabilize the marriage to the core; these may include: sexual starvation, threatening to call the law in order to label the man with a felony, assault and battery, child abuse, or any accusation that will incriminate him. As the problem reaches the boiling point, the wife, knowing full well that she is covered, files for divorce and child support.

Having graduated with a professional degree and a good job, the wife collects child support and ends up living lavishly while the man struggles to make ends meet with his meager earning. The woman who has been raised to her current professional level sees her sponsor, the husband, as unworthy to have her as a wife because she is now making a six figure income. In an effort to control this money, our men make the most horrendous blunder which usually leads to violence or even murder. While most break ups are associated with the wives, men also play the devils' advocate, thinking they can still have multple patners while they are married. Nigerian men should weigh in their options before getting into marriage here in Houston/America. The times have changed and yesterday is gone. There must be a dramatic change to sustain marriages here because, there are many distractions and the victims are the poor Nigerian children that are caught in the middle.

Nigerians have a very inflexible culture engraved in marriage and family. This stoic culture is inert in most men of African descent. As a black man in America, you are guilty till proven innocent, therefore, if you insist on living like a husband in Africa, please save your marriage till you relocate back home. Otherwise, you may find yourself in jail, probation or even dead. If you are one of the lucky ones with an understanding wife, count your blessings; but please, do not seek her pay check because they do not come handy anymore.

Source: thisdaylive.com

ok

No they are not. One man's story does not even begin to tell the nature of Nigerian marriages abroad. As a Nigerian man in America and a married man at that, I do not expect my wife to be a "Nigerian wife". She is in a place where she can be all she wants to be without judgement. It is common knowledge that you can not hit a woman here without repercussions. Women do not have this "luxury" at home. Why would any sane man born of a woman come to America, reap the fruits of orderliness and expect his wife to be treated badly and not take advantage of the protection in place for her? Please let us not go around painting ourselves as Brutes. Not all marriages here are doomed. I have a wide network of married friends who are working hard at their marriages.

Do some women get their men in trouble falsely...yes, just like they do at home but it is not prevalent. The laws here are not as unfair as some of these men make it seem. No one just locks you up anyhow. Some of these men crying foul need to be truthful. They marry women from home expecting her to come here and be his doormat. You can not do that in a society that fights against bullying and abuse. Abeg, this guy should stop making the rest of us look like we are archaic men that can not function in a society that has rules. i tire.

This Nigerian-American gives his thoughts on the high divorce rates among Nigerians in America.

Immigrant Marriages May Not Survive the Trauma of Immigration
by Jeffrey Cottrill

LANSING, MI -- For centuries, people from around the world have immigrated to the United States in order to improve their lives and experience a level of personal freedom they may not have had in the old country. Many have gone on to have wonderful lives in America. But adapting to a new culture and lifestyle often poses problems, and sometimes, one of the most distressing casualties of the immigration experience is the loss of one's marital relationship.

Dr. Ernest Ndukwe, a Nigerian-American senior environmental-quality analyst at the Department of Environmental Quality in Michigan, has written a book about the frequent breakdowns in the marriages of African immigrants to the U.S. The book, "Is Marriage Doomed in America?", explains the unique stresses and strains on immigrant marriages in America and offers advice to fellow married immigrants on how to prevent a divorce.

"I wrote it in an attempt to make people understand the reasons why two people who are from other countries come to the U.S. and then begin to grow apart," Dr. Ndukwe said of the book in a recent interview with Voice of America. "Immigrating to a new country... is very traumatic, and sometimes, marriages do not survive that trauma."

Dr. Ndukwe, whose academic background includes geology and environmental studies, grew up in the Onitsha district in Anambra (a state in southeastern Nigeria) and immigrated to the United States in 1977. In 2005, he divorced his wife of six years; he has three daughters from the marriage and another from a previous relationship. Dr. Ndukwe said in the same interview that part of his motivation for writing the book was for his children to know the truth about their parents' divorce -- that it wasn't because he and their mother didn't love them.

According to Dr. Ndukwe, divorce has a strong stigma throughout Africa and is rare there. "Over there in Nigeria, and in many parts of Africa," he told VOA, "people will do just about anything possible to make sure that divorce doesn't happen." Family members, he explained, "lend support and do their best to mediate between the spouses." But in America, most married immigrants have no access to their extended families, making divorce "often inevitable".

The author, who lectures part-time at various universities, also pointed out that a divorce is far easier to obtain in the U.S. than in Africa, and that both spouses in immigrant marriages often have to work full-time in order to support themselves, which creates a lot of extra pressure.
Dr. Ndukwe researched the marital relationships of African immigrants across the U.S. and found that Nigerian immigrants had one of the highest divorce rates. He told VOA that his fellow countrymen "really mourn the loss of their culture and are really affected by it, and their marriages deteriorate".

Other reasons Dr. Ndukwe noted for the high rate of divorce among African immigrants in his book are the highly materialistic culture in America, and the difficulty of one or more spouses in a couple with adapting to the differences between African and American marital norms.

"Thousands of books have been written about divorce," he said, "but during my research, I realized that very few have been written about the unique stresses and strains that the marriages of immigrants -- and especially Africans -- suffer when they settle in the United States."

Source: divorcemagazine.com

This Nigerian-American also gives his thoughts on the high divorce rates among Nigerians in America.

Marriages Fading With The Sunset Among Nigerians In America
BY Dr. Sylvester Fadal

“Civilized” divorce...

Some years ago, while spending my vacation in southern California, I came across several governmental data on divorces in most states that maintain public online databases on marriages and divorce records. Out of curiosity I pulled up data from 1988 - 1992 in the state of Texas and eventually went through several records among most states and spanning several years intervals, after deciding to write an article on it. This may technically be called a qualitative research study of some sort recognizing the empirical nature of it. What I found alarming especially in Texas, Illinois, California, and several other states is the frequency of Nigerian names on the divorce records. In some cases, I found the same names several times within the same state and the only way I could deduce if it was the same person was to apply a little statistics. Someone who was 24 in 1988 when they got married and 27 in 1991 when they got divorced is definitely the same person (assuming the name remains the same) who remarried in 1994 at 30 and divorced in 1998 at 34.

There were cases where some pages had over 50 percent Nigerian names making it relatively alarming. Factoring in the fact that some Nigerians from Edo, Delta, Rivers, Bayelsa, and some part of Lagos states may have names that do not clearly reflect their country of origin, there may be more that I couldn't easily identify. Also, there are Nigerians who find it necessary to change their names for obvious reasons, making it difficult to identify them. For instance, most people have a tendency to ask my specific place of origin within Nigeria. Fadal is an Ishan name (Ishan is in Edo state) and it may not be nationally common but there are several Fadals in Ishan. Some are spelled (a) Fada, (b) Fadal, (c) Ifada, and (d) Efada. Regardless of how it is spelt, the meaning stays the same and it is a name that is common among the Ishans.

In continuation of my research findings and analysis, upon recognizing the high frequency of divorces among Nigerians, I began to wonder why and a few probable thoughts came to mind such as:

1. Some of the marriages were for residency reasons and as such, the follow up divorces as there was no real love in the first case.

2. Some of the marriages were prearranged and of course, they eventually failed.

3. Some of the marriages were based on lies (people proclaiming to be what they are not in the USA to marry in Naija) and upon discovery of the truth, their spouses eventually file for divorces.

4. Some of the divorces were caused by greed and a desire for more wealth on the part of a spouse subsequently leading to disagreements and divorce.

5. Some of the marriages were possibly based on control by one party who had the upper hand for a while and when the other party became confident and matured enough, they sought divorce.

6. Some of the divorces may have been influenced by the inability to have children and/or specifically male children.

7. Some of the divorces were caused solely by infidelity on the part of either spouse most often the male spouses though females spouses are fast catching up based on recent surveys.

8. Some of the divorces were caused by strong financial disagreement.

9. Some of the divorces were caused by respect issues on the part of one spouse or both.

10. Some of the divorces may be solely based on the fact that the couples grew apart, developing two divergent ideological bents.

I could outline numerous reasons why couples justify their divorces but the fact is, very rarely do divorces leave either couple happy at the long end especially when children are involved. Most developed and "civilized" countries do not allow polygamy and in countries where some men marry more than one spouse, they are essentially experiencing some shadow of marital death and because they can, they marry other wives without divorcing existing ones or making efforts to resolve the issues. Life priorities and perception does change and oftentimes, society often tries to dictate how we should live our lives.

Could the high level of divorces noticeable among Nigerians in America be a result of societal influences and acceptance?

I have seen couples get married and divorced over the years at an alarming rate, some for frivolous reasons. Why have we suddenly embraced divorce as an alternative rather than a last approach option when all else fails? It is perhaps the influence of the society we live in or probably the desire to explore our hidden wishes that marriages don't often allow, because of the weak foundation of these marriages.

How do these folks plan to spend their last years? Will they relish being without someone they can trust, rely on and/or possibly discuss memories with? Regardless of what some might make us believe, it is not all glamorous as portrayed by Hollywood stars, as I have seen the normative and summative effects of divorces on couples, children and sometimes, extended friends and families.

The greatest use of life according to Williams James is to spend it on something that will outlast it. This is perhaps one of the key reasons we seek immortality in various ways. Some individuals seek children as a source of immortality, some write books, make music, conduct and publish research findings, adopt and preach beliefs that may be unpopular but goal-oriented to them, etc. The desires for immortality through one's own progeny are so strong in some Asian and African countries that they remain bent on having male children to carry on their names at all cost. This naïve mentality that remains deep-rooted in some people still break up marriages.

Divorce sometimes is not avoidable and in such situations, it may be justified. However, when society says, "jump", we must seek the "why" before we jump. Most cracks in marriages are repairable regardless of how frustrating the experiences may be. Knowing and respecting each other's temperament goes a long way to preserving relationships. A pre-evaluation and good understanding prior to marriage is perhaps old fashioned but still a requirement for maintaining long marriages. The marriage institution is a level playing field regardless of how we look at it and on the long run, the ultimate satisfaction is to say, "my marriage was dead and now it is alive."

About the author...

Dr. Sylvester Fadal embraced business optimization and efficiency building within corporations, years ago. His published doctoral dissertation study on Fortune 500 corporations titled "Employee Empowerment as a Business Optimization Strategy" was widely received by training and organizational development professionals. A synopsis of his findings was published by the American Society for Training and Development. Dr. Fadal was invited to speak by various refereed journals and institutions on the subject of performance optimization, organizational capacity building, efficiency and productivity and individual growth. As a professor of business he has shared the information in the book "Are You Lost or Found?: Recognizing the Wake Up Call : a Book on Change, Growth and Self Restoration" with his students for almost 10 years. With a strong passion for the world disadvantaged that lead to the formation of Fadal & Associates 501 © 3 non-profit that reaches out to low income individuals in the greater Bay Area and Africa, he continues to galvanize support for the world poorest people. His goals are spiritual, family and philanthropy. Some proceeds from this book will be used to support his not-for-profit foundation that seek to feed the poor and open doors to those whose lives are being destroyed by AIDS, poverty, child slavery, abandonment and starvation among others. A stronger act of kindness is to give to those that can't give back. Dr. Fadal is married with three children and resides in Northern California, USA.

Zboyd, we get it. It is good to hear these perspectives but we should also read more into what these articles are saying.

In Nigeria, we sometimes force unions that should not be. The man or woman that keeps straying should be left alone to stray and then settle down with the person they "really" want. Instead of giving the spouse the opportunity to contract a disease. The man or woman who keeps beating up their spouse should be sent to a mental asylum instead of elders forcing him to go back to his wife. When the spouse is beaten to death, those same elders will be crying foul.
I am of the opinion that sincere marriages in the diaspora work. A good number of "failed" marriages are marriages of convenience. Do you know how many people get married for papers? Not to white girls o, to fellow Nigerians? Do you know how many men rush home to marry some girl they have not really interacted with and then expect her to come to the US and "conform"? Who even told us this works? If you will call leaving a cheating spouse or abusive spouse societal influence then so be it. Dr. Ndukwe is a researcher, he should look at the numbers properly. In the developed nations...some Nigerian marriages can not last because one spouse forgets that he/she (unfortunately usually he) is in a place that does not condone the maltreatment of a human being.

It is high time Nigerian men (because it is us that shout a lot) stop complaining about divorce rates and do what we can to move our homes forward. We are failing to be the heads, you should see how some African stores are filled with men sitting and idly making silly noises about nothing. I have counseled too some men who think "white girls are only for tasting", yet they have wives at home. We did a fellowship for married men at my Church and we spend time counseling each other on how to be better fathers and husbands. Our women are here working so hard to ensure their families have good lives and some of the men are doing their bid but all this whining we have going on is because our men are in a place where no one makes excuses for their behavior like it would be at home.

One more thing, at home divorce is not as rampant because it is still seen as a taboo. Instead of a divorce, the spouses live as roommates. The man might start a whole new life with another lady while the lady faces the children or starts seeing another man. But for the sake of "what people will say", they are still married. I am not sure how this is any better than what is happening outside the country.

I just feel we should look at why our homes are falling apart and stop trying to fly the "divorce is rampant in America because of societal influence".

afrolearn: Zboyd, we get it. It is good to hear these perspectives but we should also read more into what these articles are saying.

In Nigeria, we sometimes force unions that should not be. The man or woman that keeps straying should be left alone to stray and then settle down with the person they "really" want. Instead of giving the spouse the opportunity to contract a disease. The man or woman who keeps beating up their spouse should be sent to a mental asylum instead of elders forcing him to go back to his wife. When the spouse is beaten to death, those same elders will be crying foul.
I am of the opinion that sincere marriages in the diaspora work. A good number of "failed" marriages are marriages of convenience. Do you know how many people get married for papers? Not to white girls o, to fellow Nigerians? Do you know how many men rush home to marry some girl they have not really interacted with and then expect her to come to the US and "conform"? Who even told us this works? If you will call leaving a cheating spouse or abusive spouse societal influence then so be it. Dr. Ndukwe is a researcher, he should look at the numbers properly. In the developed nations...some Nigerian marriages can not last because one spouse forgets that he/she (unfortunately usually he) is in a place that does not condone the maltreatment of a human being.

It is high time Nigerian men (because it is us that shout a lot) stop complaining about divorce rates and do what we can to move our homes forward. We are failing to be the heads, you should see how some African stores are filled with men sitting and idly making silly noises about nothing. I have counseled too some men who think "white girls are only for tasting", yet they have wives at home. We did a fellowship for married men at my Church and we spend time counseling each other on how to be better fathers and husbands. Our women are here working so hard to ensure their families have good lives and some of the men are doing their bid but all this whining we have going on is because our men are in a place where no one makes excuses for their behavior like it would be at home.

One more thing, at home divorce is not as rampant because it is still seen as a taboo. Instead of a divorce, the spouses live as roommates. The man might start a whole new life with another lady while the lady faces the children or starts seeing another man. But for the sake of "what people will say", they are still married. I am not sure how this is any better than what is happening outside the country.

I just feel we should look at why our homes are falling apart and stop trying to fly the "divorce is rampant in America because of societal influence".

Another post from the poster that never stops giving...

can u clarify your post as i see a lot of contradictions therein.. whats the punch line

afrolearn: Zboyd, we get it. It is good to hear these perspectives but we should also read more into what these articles are saying.

In Nigeria, we sometimes force unions that should not be. The man or woman that keeps straying should be left alone to stray and then settle down with the person they "really" want. Instead of giving the spouse the opportunity to contract a disease. The man or woman who keeps beating up their spouse should be sent to a mental asylum instead of elders forcing him to go back to his wife. When the spouse is beaten to death, those same elders will be crying foul.
I am of the opinion that sincere marriages in the diaspora work. A good number of "failed" marriages are marriages of convenience. Do you know how many people get married for papers? Not to white girls o, to fellow Nigerians? Do you know how many men rush home to marry some girl they have not really interacted with and then expect her to come to the US and "conform"? Who even told us this works? If you will call leaving a cheating spouse or abusive spouse societal influence then so be it. Dr. Ndukwe is a researcher, he should look at the numbers properly. In the developed nations...some Nigerian marriages can not last because one spouse forgets that he/she (unfortunately usually he) is in a place that does not condone the maltreatment of a human being.

It is high time Nigerian men (because it is us that shout a lot) stop complaining about divorce rates and do what we can to move our homes forward. We are failing to be the heads, you should see how some African stores are filled with men sitting and idly making silly noises about nothing. I have counseled too some men who think "white girls are only for tasting", yet they have wives at home. We did a fellowship for married men at my Church and we spend time counseling each other on how to be better fathers and husbands. Our women are here working so hard to ensure their families have good lives and some of the men are doing their bid but all this whining we have going on is because our men are in a place where no one makes excuses for their behavior like it would be at home.

One more thing, at home divorce is not as rampant because it is still seen as a taboo. Instead of a divorce, the spouses live as roommates. The man might start a whole new life with another lady while the lady faces the children or starts seeing another man. But for the sake of "what people will say", they are still married. I am not sure how this is any better than what is happening outside the country.

I just feel we should look at why our homes are falling apart and stop trying to fly the "divorce is rampant in America because of societal influence".

No, they are not!
Only in Nigeria, where marriage is a do or die affair!
Go to NOLLYWOOD!

Or ask awon DINO MALAYE!

afrolearn: Zboyd, we get it. It is good to hear these perspectives but we should also read more into what these articles are saying.

In Nigeria, we sometimes force unions that should not be. The man or woman that keeps straying should be left alone to stray and then settle down with the person they "really" want. Instead of giving the spouse the opportunity to contract a disease. The man or woman who keeps beating up their spouse should be sent to a mental asylum instead of elders forcing him to go back to his wife. When the spouse is beaten to death, those same elders will be crying foul.
I am of the opinion that sincere marriages in the diaspora work. A good number of "failed" marriages are marriages of convenience. Do you know how many people get married for papers? Not to white girls o, to fellow Nigerians? Do you know how many men rush home to marry some girl they have not really interacted with and then expect her to come to the US and "conform"? Who even told us this works? If you will call leaving a cheating spouse or abusive spouse societal influence then so be it. Dr. Ndukwe is a researcher, he should look at the numbers properly. In the developed nations...some Nigerian marriages can not last because one spouse forgets that he/she (unfortunately usually he) is in a place that does not condone the maltreatment of a human being.

It is high time Nigerian men (because it is us that shout a lot) stop complaining about divorce rates and do what we can to move our homes forward. We are failing to be the heads, you should see how some African stores are filled with men sitting and idly making silly noises about nothing. I have counseled too some men who think "white girls are only for tasting", yet they have wives at home. We did a fellowship for married men at my Church and we spend time counseling each other on how to be better fathers and husbands. Our women are here working so hard to ensure their families have good lives and some of the men are doing their bid but all this whining we have going on is because our men are in a place where no one makes excuses for their behavior like it would be at home.

One more thing, at home divorce is not as rampant because it is still seen as a taboo. Instead of a divorce, the spouses live as roommates. The man might start a whole new life with another lady while the lady faces the children or starts seeing another man. But for the sake of "what people will say", they are still married. I am not sure how this is any better than what is happening outside the country.

I just feel we should look at why our homes are falling apart and stop trying to fly the "divorce is rampant in America because of societal influence".

Brother, God will continue to uphold you

Let those shouting keep shouting

Shouting Shallow praise on the pages of forums sounds laughable

Most of what the OP posted is true, but it depends on the individual couple. Sometimes I do believe that America do not value the essence of marriage, but it's for you to make your marriage work. Been married for almost 2 decades and it's still going strong but I will agree you have to work hard at it. So many factors here doesn't favor marriage.

HE who findeth a good wife findeth a good slave- AVERAGE NAIJA MAN THOUGHTS

Great article. Thombs up for you

You see this thing called marriage? While i may still be a child in it (married for 4 years), there's one thing I've come to believe. Marrriage is a daily and conscious work and walk. You CHOOSE daily to make your marriage work.
There is nothing that you may be going through in marriage that is new.