.

Igbati oloyin!

Flinging of bata.

Chai..! Mrs. Alao you wuiicked ooo, diarisgorduoooo..!

prof800: Igbati oloyin!

Flinging of bata.

Chai..! Mrs. Alao you wuiicked ooo, diarisgorduoooo..!

Profu! Na only the slap and shoe flinging you see for the script?


Okay naa. E se gan an ni.

sholay2011:
Profu! Na only the slap and shoe flinging you see for the script?

No ooo, I see many things.

The good thing about writting is that it is jus like music --- at first, you'll learn to play by the rules, then when you're good enough you'll fvck all the rules and learn to play with your heart and find your own personal STYLE.

For now, I can see you're beginning to pick up style, tho inadvertently.
This looks like a character-driven story. Because you're getting us acquainted with the characters without us being worried about the plot. So we decide which character to love, to hate, to pity, or to feel like jumping into the screen to kill! It's a good thing.




This looks like something that would contain a considerable percentage of 'local language' (going by mrs alao's character).
BUT, it is still an English script, so you'll have to write all that 'YORUBA' in 'ENGLISH'!
The yoruba translation should be written in the "character's bible". But Mrs. Alao's (and everyone else's) dialogue should be written in English.

As in:

MRS ALAO
(in YORUBA)
Are you not going to prepare meal for us?




(I dey come oooo...make I enter moto)

prof800:


No ooo, I see many things.

The good thing about writting is that it is jus like music --- at first, you'll learn to play by the rules, then when you're good enough you'll fvck all the rules and learn to play with your heart and find your own personal STYLE.

For now, I can see you're beginning to pick up style, tho inadvertently.
This looks like a character-driven story. Because you're getting us acquainted with the characters without us being worried about the plot. So we decide which character to love, to hate, to pity, or to feel like jumping into the screen to kill! It's a good thing.




This looks like something that would contain a considerable percentage of 'local language' (going by mrs alao's character).
BUT, it is still an English script, so you'll have to write all that 'YORUBA' in 'ENGLISH'!
The yoruba translation should be written in the "character's bible". But Mrs. Alao's (and everyone else's) dialogue should be written in English.

As in:

MRS ALAO
(in YORUBA)
Are you not going to prepare meal for us?




(I dey come oooo...make I enter moto)

I appreciate the lecture, my prof. Didn't know I had a particular style sha...well, now I've been told.

You're right, it's a character-driven story. Though, I intend to build the plot gradually as the script progresses. But more than that, I want people to feel all those emotions you listed for the characters and make them as 3D as possible.

Thanks for the 'local language' tip. I will edit later. And yes, it's still an ENGLISH script

I appreciate sir.

I hope Villageboi isn't discouraged to read it 'cos of the 'Yoruba statements without translation'.

sholay2011:
I hope Villageboi isn't discouraged to read it 'cos of the 'Yoruba statements without translation'.

Just read it but of course a lot of it is lost on me since I don't understand the Yoruba scenes.

Me sef see the HOT slap!
Nice one shaa!

VillageBoi:

Just read it but of course a lot of it is lost on me since I don't understand the Yoruba scenes.

Me sef see the HOT slap!
Nice one shaa!

Aww..I would edit it soon bro.

Abeg, is the 'nice' for the slap or the script?

And places you could get, how far with the dialogue? And pacing of the script itself since it's a feature film script and what I posted here are the first few scenes?

Your response would be appreciated.

Prof too should pls talk on the questions I raised.

sholay2011:
Abeg, is the 'nice' for the slap or the script?

For the script.

Dunno what they are saying for part of it but the pacing seems ok though. There bits I could read were ok. Keep it up.

VillageBoi:

For the script.

Dunno what they are saying for part of it but the pacing seems ok though. There bits I could read were ok. Keep it up.

Thanks bro.

Hmm.....why would anybody write a dialogue in yoruba? Even yoruba movies aren't written in yoruba...dats an epic fail bro......dis isn't d way to go if you want to reach a wider audience.....

Your dialogues needs A LOT of work..no offence....it didn't sound realistic at all...and your character descriptions could use some work too...

Lemme do you solid..you knw what I do b4 I put pen to paper? (Yes,if u wanna write,start with a pen and paper and don't be afraid to cancel or start afresh wen u feel u got it wrong......do not go near that laptop unless you are absolutely convinced you've got it right)....I READ A SCREENPLAY OF ANY GOOD MOVIE I SAW RECENTLY...as a scriptwriter, screenplays are your bible...Study them!! at's the only way to get better..there are tons of dem in pdf format on the internet..lemme suggest one for you....THE BUTLER by Lee Daniels

And dis whole idea of letting the story develop itself abi how u put am is rubbish..dats like going to a battle blind folded....Bros.if u nor get ur scene outline,if u nor know ur beginning,middle and end..nor just start to write cos u're gonna be writing in circles...as in its totally pointless and complete waist of time..

However,u're not the first person to make the above mistake and you won't be d last...we've bn thr,done dat..

Keep writing bro and .keep learning.......

Hmm.....why would anybody write a dialogue in yoruba ? Even yoruba movies aren't written in yoruba...dats an epic fail bro......dis isn't d way to go if you want to reach a wider audience.....

Your dialogues needs A LOT of work..no offence....it didn't sound realistic at all...and your character descriptions could use some work too...

Lemme do you a solid..you knw what I do b4 I put pen to paper? (Yes,if u wanna write,start with a pen and paper and don't be afraid to cancel or start afresh wen u feel u got it wrong......do not go near that laptop unless you are absolutely convinced you've got it right)....I READ THE SCREENPLAY OF ANY GOOD MOVIE I'VE SEEN RECENTLY...as scriptwriters, screenplays are our bible...Study them!! It's the only way to get better..there are tons of scripts in pdf format on the internet..lemme suggest one for you....THE BUTLER by Lee Daniels...don't just read it,study it....I attached one I downloaded recently at the bottom of my post..

And dis whole idea of letting the story develop itself abi how u put am is rubbish..dats like going to a battle blind folded....Bros.if u nor get ur scene outline,if u nor know ur beginning,middle and end..nor just start to write cos u're gonna be writing in circles...as in its totally pointless and a complete waste of time..

However,u're not the first person to make the above mistake and you won't be d last...we've bn thr,done dat..

Keep writing bro and .keep learning.......

"

@ikamenze...

Wow! Thanks bro.

I didn't want to reply so it wouldn't be like I'm against constructive criticism, but for scriptwriters that would visit this thread, let's trash things out.

One, your first criticism was on point, but you should have taken time to read the comments before you sir. Prof800 already pointed that outwithout calling it an epic fail and much more, he SHOWED me how I should write it. Thanks all the same, but I have since applied that to the script itself. Sorry for not editing the one here.

Two, if you be proper naija person o, the dialogue sounds realistic enough. It may not be one of the best dialogues ever written by a Nigerian scriptwriter, but saying it's not REALISTIC AT ALL is pushing your advantage as an 'adviser' too far. Or you expect my characters to say 'fvck', 'wanna', 'gonna' etc? I don't get. Or maybe the Yoruba parts made you feel disconnected with the dialogue (i assume you're Ibo from your moniker)? You can show me your idea of realistic dialogue WITH RESPECT TO THE SETTING OF THE STORY and I will shut my sharp mouth.

In my opinion, my character descriptions are okay. A scriptwriter shouldn't take the job of a (casting) director. The character descriptions like age and other things that are RELEVANT AND GERMANE to the plot should be what the scriptwriter needs to specify. The descriptions should also help create the sense of the setting. One doesn't need vivid descriptions that are unnecessary. #My take#

Sorry bro, we all have our own personal way of putting down our imagination. All the 'don't go near a laptop until you're sure stuff', I don't buy it. And I also read the screenplay of GOOD movies I see. 'The Butler' doesn't have exceptional screenplay, in my opinion. I recommend 'Silver Linings Playbook', 'Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind', 'Pulp fiction' and many others. I have some of them on my laptop, and I study them like you instructed, but I don't write stories in Nigerian setting with my characters speaking like Americans. They speak like the average Nigerian, with respect to their tribe, the way they mix their local language with English constantly, the way an uneducated naija character won't speak fluent grammar, that's what I write sir.

Lastly, the way you came across in your last criticism is not good enough. No vex abeg, I just don't take bullsh*t. We don't write the same way. Haven't you hearf of character-driven stories? A story could be driven by characters or the plot. Character-driven stories tend to create more memorable characters who evemtually drive the plot, which is what I like. Lemme recommend the following movies for you: 'Silver Linings Playbook' 'Orange is the new black', 'American Hustle'.

Don't call what you don't 'get' a mistake bro, asking questions wouldn't hurt.

I am sorry if I sounded anyway 'silly' but I just had to respond. One love bro. I just don't swallow what I'm told hook, line and seaweed.

Ikamenze: "

how far?
Any new script from you lately?

I don't want to write an epistle so I'll share this link from one of our forums: www.indietips.com/writingcharacter-driven-vs-plot-driven-do-you-know-the-difference/

In another forum, we were arguing that "CHARACTERS TAKE ON A LIFE OF THEIR OWN".
Do you think they do or do not?
Why?


OKAY:
Sholay2011, if you have free time, read this from scriptsecrets:www.scriptsecrets.net/tips/tip364.htm esp. to the point were they talked about a '3-act character'.
Hopefully, it will aid you in building your characters properly.

( no be me say make you choose this kain script... orbiiii )

prof800:
how far?
Any new script from you lately?

I don't want to write an epistle so I'll share this link from one of our forums: www.indietips.com/writingcharacter-driven-vs-plot-driven-do-you-know-the-difference/

In another forum, we were arguing that "CHARACTERS TAKE ON A LIFE OF THEIR OWN".
Do you think they do or do not?
Why?


OKAY:
Sholay2011, if you have free time, read this from scriptsecrets:www.scriptsecrets.net/tips/tip364.htm esp. to the point were they talked about a '3-act character'.
Hopefully, it will aid you in building your characters properly.

( no be me say make you choose this kain script... orbiiii )

Looooool

Thanks for the link. I would ensure I update the thread with the edited version of this part pf the script sef.

Sholay my man, you can do better. I find the script a bit boring, may be because the interesting part was written in yourba, and the boring part in english/broken english.

mufex: Sholay my man, you can do better. I find the script a bit boring, may be because the interesting part was written in yourba, and the boring part in english/broken english.

Thanks very much bro. I will edit it later.

Though, note this is the beginning of the script. Nonetheless, that's not an excuse for the script not to get your attention.

And dis is why I don't comment on any post on nairaland,hell dis is why I don't post any of my work on here...too many people claiming they know too much and are above criticism....Bros nor vex oo....matter of fact,ignore everything i said...stick to ur style...I hope and pray we all make it....goodluck.

Ikamenze: And dis is why I don't comment on any post on nairaland,hell dis is why I don't post any of my work on here...too many people claiming they know too much and are above criticism....Bros nor vex oo....matter of fact,ignore everything i said...stick to ur style...I hope and pray we all make it....goodluck.

Thanks.

I have edited it o.

Cc:

Villageboi
Mufex
Prof800
Ikamenze.

Thanks for all the comments.

Ikamenze: And dis is why I don't comment on any post on nairaland,hell dis is why I don't post any of my work on here...too many people claiming they know too much and are above criticism....Bros nor vex oo....matter of fact,ignore everything i said...stick to ur style...I hope and pray we all make it....goodluck.

Bros, I don't really think Sholay is saying he's above criticism. Yes you made some valid points... I also completely got lost as I couldn't understand the Yoruba parts so naturally I totally lost interest in this script and didn't even bother to read it properly. (just seen Sholay's post that it has been update; may read it when I'm not so tired)

The thing with criticism is we can take some and we can leave some. I used to be terrible when criticising some scripts... I try not to be like that anymore and go pretty easy on people.

So what parts of the dialogue seemed unrealistic to you?

Different writers have different styles/methods of arriving at the same place. Me personally, if I don't have my ending locked down I never start writing (talking about shorts and features - that might not work too well for TV cos the show could go on for years).
Nothing wrong in letting your characters flow - of course you are still in control and might have to give them a nudge in the direction you want the story/plot to go in. I do agree with having a 'scene outline' (even though we all hate writing those) and knowing the beginning, middle & end.

I'm currently writing a feature. It has four different beginnings (not yet sure which one I'll use), a fuzzy middle that has not been figured out yet and a 'locked' end... I'm pretty much still in the 'thought phase' and not doing much writing. So we all have different ways of tackling the 'journey'.

And you're right - EVERY single one of us is still learning and hopefully we never stop.

sholay2011: I have edited it o.

Cc:

Villageboi
Mufex
Prof800
Ikamenze.

Thanks for all the comments.

Hang on!! Na Ingilishi you write? I think say the new edit go be Hindu lol.

VillageBoi:

Hang on!! Na Ingilishi you write? I think say the new edit go be Hindu lol.

Loooool. ..you sef.

Writing good dialogue is a very perplexing issue. I believe it depends on the rhythm. Sholay's dialogues are okay....I really like his rhythm. I wouldn't say, they are poetic, or very, very realistic. But we all have to admit, 'very realistic' dialogues are very boring. Imagine, recording two people talking for a long time, it could cure insomnia. The only problem I have with sholay's screenplays are just his stories. If he could just take his time to work on a story..plot, story board, brainstorm hooks and tensions. He has the talents, but too dime lazy.

mufex: Writing good dialogue is a very perplexing issue. I believe it depends on the rthymn. Sholay's dialogues are okay....I really like his rthymn. I wouldn't say, they are poetic, or very, very realistic. But we all have to admit, 'very realistic' dialogues are very boring. Imagine, recording two people talking for a long time, it could cure insomnia. The only problem I have with sholay's screenplays are just his stories. If he could just take his time to work on a story..plot, story board, brainstorm hooks and tensions. He has the talents, but too dime lazy.

Thanks bro. I appreciate and would work on areas pointed out. *Grabs pen and jots down*

@Villageboi.

Thanks for your post above.

I actually have the end of this script (in your words ) 'locked down', and the middle is a bit 'fuzzy', not because it isn't known yet but the detailed modus operandi of events as they unfold.

The truth is my goal for this script is to gradually build tension as events unfold. I'm using the 'strange' characters and their interactions along with flashbacks to hold the interest of viewers. But it seems Nigerians all want 'something' to start happening from the beginning or smth...dunno, which is not bad though, but not too good imo, especially for a feature film.

The movie that I'm using as a 'target/guide' to this script that I'm writing is 'Winter's Bone'. Not the same storyline oo, but I want a similar feel.

^^^
You're welcome.

Will actually read it tomorrow, can't remember that much from last time but I think I liked the beginning with her sticking her head into water or something.

Don't write the carbon-copy that Nigerians want you to write; rather write exactly what YOU want to write.

.

Hmmmm I have quite a bit that I've written about this but I don't think I'm going to post it here. You have given us a glimpse of the first 20-30mins of your feature and if I say what I want to it will absolutely break your heart.

All I can say is THINK about what a feature screenplay is and think about what you have written.

VillageBoi: Hmmmm I have quite a bit that I've written about this but I don't think I'm going to post it here. You have given us a glimpse of the first 20-30mins of your feature and if I say what I want to it will absolutely break your heart.

All I can say is THINK about what a feature screenplay is and think about what you have written.

Hmmmm....thanks bro.

I will THINK about what it is. Thanks for not breaking my heart though. But please, send your full analysis to my mail.

sholay2011:
Hmmmm....thanks bro.

I will THINK about what it is. Thanks for not breaking my heart though. But please, send your full analysis to my mail.

Did you get my 'other' email last night?