Let him take his baby to his mother (MIL) or to the baby mama's mother. I can't shout

donpeey22: Well i know i won't cheat on the one i love. Peradventure i cheat on her, then i don't expect her to forgive me, so she can do whatever she deems appropriate.

LMAO! who says this??!!

Who the fvck says 'peradventure'??

What's up with the colonial English?? I just can't!

BananaBender:

LMAO! who says this??!!

Who the fvck says 'peradventure'??

What's up with the colonial English?? I just can't!

The fact you don't use the word 'peradventure', doesn't mean it's not correct.

donpeey22: The fact you don't use the word 'peradventure', doesn't mean it's not correct.

I know it's correct, it just sounds archaic.

Stop using it, it makes you appear as a beneficiary of Obafemi Awolowo's free education. It's old, even your colonial masters don't use it anymore.

Let it go hun, biko.

Tough one, but my answer is.........HELL NO.

The same woman will come back after some years and claim her child. Taking care of children is physically and emotionally tasking. Why should i raise a child whose mother caused me untold heartache? Not easy men. i'll rather adopt.

BananaBender:

I know it's correct, it just sounds archaic.

Stop using it, it makes you appear as a beneficiary of Obafemi Awolowo's free education. It's old, even your colonial masters don't use it anymore.

Let it go hun, biko.

ok sir!

kulyie: Efe in action

It's an annoying scenario, abeg - especially where the couple haven't got any kids yet.

We women are the primary cause of our own problems. If this exact same situation were to happen, i.e: the woman bringing in another man's child into her matrimonial home, would the husband sit back quietly and accept, even though he and his wife haven't got any biological kids of their own?

Most men would not accept this and they make their stance known from the onset. Do you know why? It's because the men themselves have got "moral" standards and principles by which they will not deviate from. Note, when I say "moral" standards, I'm referring to their expectations of their spouses / partners. They let us women know what is acceptable and what is not. They also draw the line on the no-go areas which if crossed, will breakdown their union.

But do we women have the same standards? No. Fancy our sisters saying on here that they'll accept the child and move on like nothing's happened. But in our heart-of-heart, do these women really move on? Na so e dey easy? If it were, then why the numerous cases of "Evil stepmothers"?

Personally, I think it's best to call it quits there and then, than to pretend and nurse grievances which ultimately, the child would bear on their shoulders through no fault of theirs.

Efe I actually know of a real life instance where this happened but the mother of the child died.The wife accepted the child and is raising her like her own (no jokes this is a family I am very very close to) so no wicked stepmother things.In short the girl is overspoilt self as the older siblings are all pretty comfortable. To make matters even a bits more complicated the husband or father of the child died a couple of years after the child started living with the family so she is technically an orphan.You can never know that this child is not hers as the kids looked like their dad so she looks like them.

We are all different and I sincerely don't know if I could do it but that mummy O(like I call her) really challenged me as her reasons are based on her faith.The girl is even going to private school that the mummy's own children did not go to.

damiso: Efe I actually know of a real life instance where this happened but the mother of the child died.The wife accepted the child and is raising her like her own (no jokes this is a family I am very very close to) so no wicked stepmother things.In short the girl is overspoilt self as the older siblings are all pretty comfortable. To make matters even a bits more complicated the husband or father of the child died a couple of years after the child started living with the family so she is technically an orphan.You can never know that this child is not hers as the kids looked like their dad so she looks like them.

We are all different and I sincerely don't know if I could do it but that mummy O(like I call her) really challenged me as her reasons are based on her faith.The girl is even going to private school that the mummy's own children did not go to.

Of course there are always exceptions to the norm - so for every instance such as the example you've given, how many other households do the exact opposite?

Your post still doesn't address the points I made about letting the men face the music for their actions. Women are made to feel the whiplash even for just "thinking" along those lines, not to mention actually having the boldness to bring in a child outside of their marriage. And the responses I've read so far only prove that women encourage the men to eat their cake and have it, as the worst thing that'll ever happen to the men is a slap on the wrist, so to speak.

Re: the bolded part of your post just makes that scenario all the more ludicrous. I know for a fact that many embittered women turn these so called "love children" into domestic helps (housegirls / houseboys) so the idea of such a child attending private schooling while the madam's own flesh and blood attend your local Boji-Boji primary / secondary school is .... I'm sorry to say, far-fetched.

@Efe, I believe having a child outside wedlock is not totally same for a man and a woman.

Speaking as a wife and mother who "COULD" depending on circumstances surrounding the procreation and birth of a child outside wedlock, forgive hubby and accept such a child WHOLLY as mine, I think for men, a one night of mistake could lead to child( if the other woman wants/insists) unlike for a woman who can easily take morning after pills/abort at most after a night of mistake/moment of madness.

This is not making excuses for men but saying it as it is.

Would I leave this beautiful marriage of mine, destroy everything we've built over the years because Oga made a mistake,he confesses or I find out cos of a child somewhere? I think not!!!

I have observed over the years that many Nigerian women do not usually treat other people's children kindly. We see it with house maids, nieces/nephews, step children etc.

Even when they 'accept' the child, they can make sure, he regrets his existence.

There are exceptions to this, so it depends on the heart of the woman.

If he had the child before he married me and only found out after our wedding,maybe because the woman hid the child from him,then I'll understand. Even in that case,if the babymama can't take care of the child,her mother can. If her mother can't,then as a last resort his mother(my MIL can)
No child from another womb will grow in my house except one we both adopted together. WILLINGLY


But if he had the child during our marriage,it's open doors. Everybody find your way.
We'll hold each other to the same standards.
If he'll divorce me for cheating on him only,he'll definitely never even forgive me enough to accept another man's pregnancy in our home.
Why should it be any different between us?

Women let us have standards pls.

Uhhhm, who sets the "standards" for everyone's marriage?
Whose standards fit all?


Back to topic, I can and I will, depending on some circumstances.

No one. Everyone can't be the same of course.
Let husbands and wives hold each other to the same standards and forget what happens in the outside world

ifyalways: Uhhhm, who sets the "standards" for everyone's marriage?
Whose standards fit all?


Back to topic, I can and I will, depending on some circumstances.

ifyalways: Uhhhm, who sets the "standards" for everyone's marriage?
Whose standards fit all?


Back to topic, I can and I will, depending on some circumstances.

Thank you.

ifyalways: @Efe, I believe having a child outside wedlock is not totally same for a man and a woman.

Speaking as a wife and mother who "COULD" depending on circumstances surrounding the procreation and birth of a child outside wedlock, forgive hubby and accept such a child WHOLLY as mine, I think for men, a one night of mistake could lead to child( if the other woman wants/insists) unlike for a woman who can easily take morning after pills/abort at most after a night of mistake/moment of madness.

This is not making excuses for men but saying it as it is.

Would I leave this beautiful marriage of mine, destroy everything we've built over the years because Oga made a mistake,he confesses or I find out cos of a child somewhere? I think not!!!

Ahh...but you're missing the point Ify.

We're talking about a scenario where the couple are still fairly newly weds (just three years into matrimony) and neither of them have a kid YET. Then having rubbed his affair in his wife's face, he takes the bold step to bring his love child into the home for her to raise as her own.

Don't you see the insult? It looks more like: "Well, since you can't have kids and I have, raise mine up for us while in this marriage..."

The dynamics are totally different if the woman already has kids of her own with him. Then of course, I won't advocate that she leaves him (simply because it gets really messy when kids are already involved) But I definitely would push for her to leave him if they haven't had any kids, and she should count her lucky stars that all he brought back was his illegitimate child and not some killer STDs to her.

tbaba1234: I have observed over the years that many Nigerian women do not usually treat other people's children kindly. We see it with house maids, nieces/nephews, step children etc.

Even when they 'accept' the child, they can make sure, he regrets his existence.

There are exceptions to this, so it depends on the heart of the woman.

THANK YOU TBABA!!

That's exactly what I'm driving at. I'm a woman and believe me, our hearts are deep. For a woman who's not been blessed with the fruit of the womb, being asked to raise her husband and his lover's child under their roof as hers is a bit much to ask abeg.

Many of them who say they "forgive him" merely pay lip-service. That forgiveness doesn't come from the heart and the underlying resentment is still very much there and is eventually channelled to the innocent child.

I'd rather be true to myself at that point and walk out, especially if I have nothing to lose. No kids yet, so why tie yourself to that hell of a union where bitterness will always have a place in your heart??

N.B: The dynamics are totally different in a polygamous setting. I think I read a post from Sissie a while ago about women in polygamous marriages made to look after their mates' (co-wives kids) and vice versa.

@ Damiso: Is this what you were referring to in your example? If not, then I find that hard to believe that such could happen in a monogamous marriage.

tbaba1234: I have observed over the years that many Nigerian women do not usually treat other people's children kindly. We see it with house maids, nieces/nephews, step children etc.
Even when they 'accept' the child, they can make sure, he regrets his existence.
There are exceptions to this, so it depends on the heart of the woman.

You blame them? Only an insensitive, thoughtless, disrespectful, unstable and irrational man will attempt such. Will you be happy seeing a product of adultery and marital betrayal in your home daily. While the person who probably almost broke your home is out there probably causing issues from the outside. If the child was born before we met, it's a different issue. But still, it's a very thankless job which comes with a lot of stress on the home. People should avoid such situations. It's very messy

baby124:
You blame them? Only an insensitive, thoughtless, disrespectful, unstable and irrational man will attempt such. Will you be happy seeing a product of adultery and marital betrayal in your home daily. While the person who probably almost broke your home is out there probably causing issues from the outside. If the child was born before we met, it's a different issue. But still, it's a very thankless job which comes with a lot of stress on the home. People should avoid such situations. It's very messy

Preach it, sister!

That aside, what guarantee is there that a woman who says she wants nothing to do with the child won't come back (for the kid) a couple of years down the line??

EfemenaXY:
Of course there are always exceptions to the norm - so for every instance such as the example you've given, how many other households do the exact opposite?
Your post still doesn't address the points I made about letting the men face the music for their actions. Women are made to feel the whiplash even for just "thinking" along those lines, not to mention actually having the boldness to bring in a child outside of their marriage. And the responses I've read so far only prove that women encourage the men to eat their cake and have it, as the worst thing that'll ever happen to the men is a slap on the wrist, so to speak.
Re: the bolded part of your post just makes that scenario all the more ludicrous. I know for a fact that many embittered women turn these so called "love children" into domestic helps (housegirls / houseboys) so the idea of such a child attending private schooling while the madam's own flesh and blood attend your local Boji-Boji primary / secondary school is .... I'm sorry to say, far-fetched.

Efe it is not a story.As I said it happened in a family I am very very close to.The wife's children are far older(I don't want to go into specifics as I don't want it to seem like I am spilling another family's secrets) so all the kids were in university when the child started living with them.The older kids went to relatively good state schools back then and so she went to private school because the other children were older and able to even help with her fees sometimes.

As I said i just stated this example as I personally know a family where this happened and the child was not maltreated.i guess the dynamics were a bit different as the girls mother died and started living with them when it seemed her mums relatives could not take care of her adequately.I guess wifey might not have been that magnanimous if the mother was still alive who knows.The wife and older kids obviously felt betrayed but with time they began to see her as their sister and felt if they could take in other people(this person is very accommodating and has had loads of people live with them.i have even benefitted even from her generosity in this uk just by association when members of my own family disappointed me but that one is long story) why not their dad's blood since she had no other person in this world to look after her.what even impressed me further is the care continued even after their dad died so it was not even a matter of oh they were just being nice because the father was around.

I know it is not the norm but I stated it cos I wanted to say it's not in all cases the women are actually enslaving the children.I am not saying men should eat their cake and have it as you can see I said I am not too sure I could do the same.But we are different what is a no no for you might not be for me.

damiso:

Efe it is not a story.The wife's children are far older(I don't want to go into specifics as I don't want it to seem like I am spilling another family's secrets) so all the kids were in university when the child started living with them.The older kids went to relatively good state schools back then and so she went to private school because the other children were older and able to stand on their feet.As I said i just stated this example as I personally know a family where this happened and the child was not maltreated.i guess the dynamics were a bit different as the girls mother died and started living with them when it seemed her mums relatives could not take care of her adequately.I guess wifey might not have been that magnanimous if the mother was still alive who knows.The wife and older kids obviously felt betrayed but with time they began to see her as their sister and felt if they could take in other people(this person is very accommodating and has loads of people live with them I have benefitted even as an outsider in this uk just by association)

Like I said, there are always exceptions to the norm and this story of yours doesn't exactly tally in with @Op's example, does it? We're talking about situations where neither the man nor the wife have got kids together, then the man brings in his child from the outside for his relatively new wife to look after, bearing in mind that the wife is yet to have her own kids.

Your example is of an already established union (with kids), where the love child in question is the last and a girl for that matter. Do you honestly think your average Nigerian wife will take kindly to a man bringing in his outside child (say a boy for example), who happens to be his first child? Would the wife not be concerned about customary laws and traditions that can easily give the fruits of their labour, EVERYTHING they've both worked for to this child upon the man's demise, as per being the oldest son? Thereby side-stepping any kids she has?

Please let's be realistic here.

New wife. No kids. Man brings in child (boy?) from lover.

And the woman will forgive just like that and play happy families? Abeg talk another thing.

damiso:

... why not their dad's blood since she had no other person in this world to look after her.what even impressed me further is the care continued even after their dad died so it was not even a matter of oh they were just being nice because the father was around.

I know it is not the norm but I stated it cos I wanted to say it's not in all cases the women are actually enslaving the children.I am not saying men should eat their cake and have it as you can see I said I am not too sure I could do the same.But we are different what is a no no for you might not be for me.

Okay, I didn't see this bit of your post before posting my reply, but it only goes further to butress the points I made earlier as per that child was the man's last child.

It would be a completely different story if it was his first and a boy for that matter, all based in Naija.

EfemenaXY:

Like I said, there are always exceptions to the norm and this story of yours doesn't exactly tally in with @Op's example, does it? We're talking about situations where neither the man nor the wife have got kids together, then the man brings in his child from the outside for his relatively new wife to look after, bearing in mind that the wife is yet to have her own kids.

Your example is of an already established union (with kids), where the love child in question is the last and a girl for that matter. Do you honestly think your average Nigerian wife will take kindly to a man bringing in his outside child (say a boy for example), who happens to be his first child? Would the wife not be concerned about customary laws and traditions that can easily give the fruits of their labour, EVERYTHING they've both worked for to this child upon the man's demise, as per being the oldest son? Thereby side-stepping any kids she has?

Please let's be realistic here.

New wife. No kids. Man brings in child (boy?) from lover.

And the woman will forgive just like that and play happy families? Abeg talk another thing.

The question is can you and I don't think I can and seems you and a lot of other posters too.But we definitely can't say another can't can we?My point was we are different and deal breakers vary.

Most men find it difficult raising other men's children but again I know a family where if they did not tell you you would never know the first child(a boy) is not the husbands biological child.The wife got pregnant,boyfriend denied the pregnancy, she met him while she was about 7 months pregnant they got married when the baby was about 2 years old and the child in question is now 16 and he has been an excellent father to the child.I kid you not you would never ever know if you were not told.

damiso:

The question is can you and I don't think I can and seems you and a lot of other posters too.But we definitely can't say another can't can we?My point was we are different and deal breakers vary.

Most men find it difficult raising other men's children but again I know a family where if they did not tell you you would never know the first child(a boy) is not the husbands biological child.The wife got pregnant,boyfriend denied the pregnancy, she met him while she was about 7 months pregnant they got married when the baby was about 2 years old and the child in question is now 16 and he has been an excellent father to the child.I kid you not you would never ever know if you were not told.

Again, your examples only serve to prove the point I'm making.

Give me an example of where whilst married, and without kids, the man brings in his child from outside for the woman to raise. Or better still, the woman does so to the man, without his prior knowledge.

Yes we all know these men like throwing in what they themselves cannot accept. It is you that will draw the line. Its in their dna to dole out lots of bs but when the same shit is thrown at them, you don't see a man again you see a selfish animal and like my pastor will say the world is not fair to women but it is YOU that will force it to be fair to YOU.



its since eternity men don't like accepting the things they throw in our faces.it is you that would accept the acceptable and reject the unacceptable. Shikena

EfemenaXY:

It's an annoying scenario, abeg - especially where the couple haven't got any kids yet.

We women are the primary cause of our own problems. If this exact same situation were to happen, i.e: the woman bringing in another man's child into her matrimonial home, would the husband sit back quietly and accept, even though he and his wife haven't got any biological kids of their own?

Most men would not accept this and they make their stance known from the onset. Do you know why? It's because the men themselves have got "moral" standards and principles by which they will not deviate from. Note, when I say "moral" standards, I'm referring to their expectations of their spouses / partners. They let us women know what is acceptable and what is not. They also draw the line on the no-go areas which if crossed, will breakdown their union.

But do we women have the same standards? No. Fancy our sisters saying on here that they'll accept the child and move on like nothing's happened. But in our heart-of-heart, do these women really move on? Na so e dey easy? If it were, then why the numerous cases of "Evil stepmothers"?

Personally, I think it's best to call it quits there and then, than to pretend and nurse grievances which ultimately, the child would bear on their shoulders through no fault of theirs.

kulyie: Yes we all know these men like throwing in what they themselves cannot accept. It is you that will draw the line. Its in their dna to dole out lots of bs but when the same shit is thrown at them, you don't see a man again you see a selfish animal and like my pastor will say the world is not fair to women but it is YOU that will force it to be fair to YOU.

its since eternity men don't like accepting the things they throw in our faces.it is you that would accept the acceptable and reject the unacceptable. Shikena

Well said.

EfemenaXY:

Again, your examples only serve to prove the point I'm making.

Give me an example of where whilst married, and without kids, the man brings in his child from outside for the woman to raise. Or better still, the woman does so to the man, without his prior knowledge.

Don't have any real life example of that perse but I guess the Original post is a conjecture.I don't really disagree with you all I am saying is that we should not say for FACT or make OUR disapproval a standard for those who might say they can actually do it.

Even though it might be a minority there are men who forgive cheating wives.I am not so sure about the scenarios painted by the Original poster though.like I said deal breakers vary.Most men wont and they have a right not to same as a woman has a right not to but there are those who will.

The examples I gave are also not the norm and if those scenarios were presented in a thread most people would also say "never I can never accept it "but it just goes to show that we all deal with issues differently.

damiso:

Don't have any real life example of that perse but I guess the Original post is a conjecture.I don't really disagree with you all I am saying is that we should not say for FACT or make OUR disapproval a standard for those who might say they can actually do it.

Even though it might be a minority there are men who forgive cheating wives.I am not so sure about the scenarios painted by the Original poster though.like I said deal breakers vary.Most men wont and they have a right not to same as a woman has a right not to but there are those who will.

The examples I gave are also not the norm and if those scenarios were presented in a thread most people would also say "never I can never accept it "but it just goes to show that we all deal with issues differently.

Agreed. I did give allowance for those that defy the norm. As per deal breakers, lets not even go there.

What I can say is that many Naija men will accept @op's scenario 2 and even more if Green Papers are at stake for them.

Don't you just love the West?

EfemenaXY:

Agreed. I did give allowance for those that defy the norm. As per deal breakers, lets not even go there.

What I can say is that many Naija men will accept @op's scenario 2 and even more if Green Papers are at stake for them.

Don't you just love the West?

Efe you no good

Considering this specific scenario, it means hubby started cheating 2nd year of marriage and had a child third year. I would not accept the child and would leave the marriage.

Sissie: Considering this specific scenario, it means hubby started cheating 2nd year of marriage and had a child third year. I would not accept the child and would leave the marriage.

Even you?

Sissie, you're full of surprises! To be honest, I was expecting you to say the opposite...

EfemenaXY:



Even you?

Sissie, you're full of surprises! To be honest, I was expecting you to say the opposite...

LOL Efe this is not even something to consider.I would not accept adultery under any circumstances.
Just 3 years of TTC, this is not just about the child but the man himself, He has broken the trust, he's inconsiderate especially if the wife is really TTC, that child is a constant reminder. Very few women would be able to genuinely love and treat that child as theirs.