@pickabeau
May God help oo

I have noticed though that you males have a cut and dry response to all these..
Put her in her place,tell her her boundaries etc
Do you guys realise that the person in question already has an attitude problem and will definitely see this as a dressing down which will probably lead to more rebelling and further problems..
Unfortunately snazzy doesn't have the support of her husband which makes it more difficult..In a normal situation,the husband should be the one laying down the rules about how things should be done in his home.
I wish i'm a man o jare.
Too much drama being a woman,why can't the world just be simpler.

You are nice,wahala..You keep to yourself wahala...Treat like your own family you are disrespectful..
It never ends..


zeb04
One thing my parents told me is that families have certain ways of doing things and basically,i can't charge in like a crusader and start expecting change.Where i'm from,everyone has a voice and when we disagree we all meet each other halfway..but in my new 'family' the sisters make the decision along with the mother,inform us and expect us to fall in line,no questions asked.
My parents have said i should grit my teeth and get with the programme as long as it's not harmful to me..Only rebel if your hubby is 100% behind you..
There really is no point in being fingered as the reason why your hubby is having problems with his family..I fought the good fight and lost
E dey pain me no be small

Godspearl: Family and inlaw trouble can b so annoying,My hubby's family had a meeting and my hubby's immediate broda talked abt me dt I don't usually participate wheneva they have party dt I jst come like a guest.I wasn't bodad cuz I knew its d wife dt told him all dt jst bcuz wen my brodainlaw was graduating from seminary I dint help her personally wit cookin I sent my maid to help... fast forward yesterday my brodainlaws wife called dt she wants to do a surprise bday party fr her husband.(d husbands bday is july 30 bt she wants to do d party 3rd august) which falls on my hubby's bday. What shld I do as I don't want dere wahala again.

whatever decision you take,your hubby should come ist except if he is okay with you going to asist the other lady that same day(my opinion)

Most of the problems are caused by the wifes

hispinkolo: @pickabeau
May God help oo

I have noticed though that you males have a cut and dry response to all these..
Put her in her place,tell her her boundaries etc
Do you guys realise that the person in question already has an attitude problem and will definitely see this as a dressing down which will probably lead to more rebelling and further problems..
Unfortunately snazzy doesn't have the support of her husband which makes it more difficult..In a normal situation,the husband should be the one laying down the rules about how things should be done in his home.
I wish i'm a man o jare.
Too much drama being a woman,why can't the world just be simpler.

You are nice,wahala..You keep to yourself wahala...Treat like your own family you are disrespectful..
It never ends..


zeb04
One thing my parents told me is that families have certain ways of doing things and basically,i can't charge in like a crusader and start expecting change.Where i'm from,everyone has a voice and when we disagree we all meet each other halfway..but in my new 'family' the sisters make the decision along with the mother,inform us and expect us to fall in line,no questions asked.
My parents have said i should grit my teeth and get with the programme as long as it's not harmful to me..Only rebel if your hubby is 100% behind you..
There really is no point in being fingered as the reason why your hubby is having problems with his family..I fought the good fight and lost
E dey pain me no be small

I don't think it is fair on we guys when you generalize. I believe most of us are talking based on our opinions an experiences either personally or the homes we grew up from.
Back to snazzy's sister in law, except she is shameless, now she knows better that they are only trying to save her the shame and if she gets kicked out, she suffers the more for it. Now the position of things have changed and Snazzy only need look at it as a way of bettering their relationship while ensuring boundaries are well spelt.

^^
I'm sorry i generalised,lol
I pray snazzy and her SIL finally get along..who knows?maybe this humbling experience will cool her down.

@God'spearl
If you and hubby don't have anything special planned out,just help out in whatever way you can..unless you a planning red pant and bra birthday for your hubby..
A surprise party is usually a big deal.Don't fall into the trap she's setting for you.
Join the O Yes members,it's just one day..

OR better still,join forces and do the surprise party for both your husbands..it's his birthday too..(i know you won't agree with this one )

I never recommended a cut and dried approach

I said pursue peace with all men
She is pregnant so is the sil
If anything happens to that girl.. Who will be d first suspect??

hispinkolo: @pickabeau
May God help oo

I have noticed though that you males have a cut and dry response to all these..
Put her in her place,tell her her boundaries etc
Do you guys realise that the person in question already has an attitude problem and will definitely see this as a dressing down which will probably lead to more rebelling and further problems..
Unfortunately snazzy doesn't have the support of her husband which makes it more difficult..In a normal situation,the husband should be the one laying down the rules about how things should be done in his home.
I wish i'm a man o jare.
Too much drama being a woman,why can't the world just be simpler.

You are nice,wahala..You keep to yourself wahala...Treat like your own family you are disrespectful..
It never ends..


zeb04
One thing my parents told me is that families have certain ways of doing things and basically,i can't charge in like a crusader and start expecting change.Where i'm from,everyone has a voice and when we disagree we all meet each other halfway..but in my new 'family' the sisters make the decision along with the mother,inform us and expect us to fall in line,no questions asked.
My parents have said i should grit my teeth and get with the programme as long as it's not harmful to me..Only rebel if your hubby is 100% behind you..
There really is no point in being fingered as the reason why your hubby is having problems with his family..I fought the good fight and lost
E dey pain me no be small

Godspearl: Family and inlaw trouble can b so annoying,My hubby's family had a meeting and my hubby's immediate broda talked abt me dt I don't usually participate wheneva they have party dt I jst come like a guest.I wasn't bodad cuz I knew its d wife dt told him all dt jst bcuz wen my brodainlaw was graduating from seminary I dint help her personally wit cookin I sent my maid to help... fast forward yesterday my brodainlaws wife called dt she wants to do a surprise bday party fr her husband.(d husbands bday is july 30 bt she wants to do d party 3rd august) which falls on my hubby's bday. What shld I do as I don't want dere wahala again.

Have u discussed with your hubby on this new surprise party

Godspearl: Family and inlaw trouble can b so annoying,My hubby's family had a meeting and my hubby's immediate broda talked abt me dt I don't usually participate wheneva they have party dt I jst come like a guest.I wasn't bodad cuz I knew its d wife dt told him all dt jst bcuz wen my brodainlaw was graduating from seminary I dint help her personally wit cookin I sent my maid to help... fast forward yesterday my brodainlaws wife called dt she wants to do a surprise bday party fr her husband.(d husbands bday is july 30 bt she wants to do d party 3rd august) which falls on my hubby's bday. What shld I do as I don't want dere wahala again.

Everything depends on what you and your husband have in mind for the day. Above all, ensure your decision is convenient for you.

pickabeau1:


Have u discussed with your hubby on this new surprise party

He was annoyed that I dint reply d lady immeditely,he said I shld av told her I can't come but I told hubby we won't be dere wen they start sayin all sort of tinz again o,He came back now and I told him jokingly dt we would eat out on His bday then I tink gradually I will tell him to let us show @ d party even if its for few minute.chai marriage needs real wisdom I swear

GboyegaD:

Everything depends on what you and your husband have in mind for the day. Above all, ensure your decision is convenient for you.

thanks

zeb04: whatever decision you take,your hubby should come ist except if he is okay with you going to asist the other lady that same day(my opinion)

I'm thinking of going dt very day for few minutes I jst pray hubby agrees else I will jst stay and enjoy hubby's day and leave dem to say wateva dey like

hmmmm... about to say yes.....now all these are giving me cold feet coz am a very, when I say very I mean a VERY EMOTIONAL person..... I get broken easily and don't know how to mix up with people (I can hardly speak my own dialect self).........I don't like wahala..... God should just help me and all these in-law tinz..... @snazzylove..... it's your home,,,,and u should let the little brat know her place in that house......just be yourself just like others have rightly said.

in my opinion .. what u did is correct
Let hubby face his family rather than u

Godspearl: He was annoyed that I dint reply d lady immeditely,he said I shld av told her I can't come but I told hubby we won't be dere wen they start sayin all sort of tinz again o,He came back now and I told him jokingly dt we would eat out on His bday then I tink gradually I will tell him to let us show @ d party even if its for few minute.chai marriage needs real wisdom I swear

Safari29: Most of the problems are caused by the wifes

bros dat is fallacy of hasty generalization.... Women generally are associated with drama and it will take a man I mean a man to be able to put everyone in their place... Because you can't please everyone...

@Godspearl
Please attend if you can and try to see if your hubby will go with you..Even if its just for a few minutes..especially if you guys don't have anything special to do..
Remember it's you that will be blamed no matter what..
Use sense and protect yourself abeg.
It's better that they say you went and sat as a guest without helping than you didn't go at all..
Just my 2 kobo

dorosola
You don come ooo
Please,not every inlaw is wahala.Some are lovely..Just study them well well and do what you can.
I am also the grandmother of emotions..always crying,feeling every little thing,over sensitive..My siblings call me Mama Emo..
I have toughened up a bit..You will be fine.No need being too wary abegg.
Just pray that you get into a place where you can love and be loved back..

@hispinkolo thanks, I will need more suggestion on how to convince hubby to let's go together bcus I know he will be more annoyed if I leave only him on his bday for someones own.

@God'spearl
Don't leave hubby alone oo..Are you guys planning anything special?
Depends largely on your hubbys relationship with his brother..if they are close,just beg him well well..remind him that they've already had meeting for you before and you'd both be doing it for the brother not for the wife..
If your hubby says you shouldn't go after appealing to him,my dear bust out your best lingerie,champagne,candles and soft music jare..
As long as hubby has your back 100% you will be fine..i just generally now prefer to avoid dem sayyy..

Nawaoooh!!! It must really be hard.

l love this thread,very inspiring and insightful.

If I wasn't already married with responsible in-laws, believe me the stories I have read on this thread will have me running for the hills! Unlike most nairaland in-law bashing threads, this is factual... and that's what makes it scary!

I think the summary of most opinions is "be nice, but keep your distance". I agree. My Lady's mum and siblings know one thing - tread softly around me cos I don't talk. I act. But I play my part as a son-in-law. They can come visiting, but no permanent stay. I actually support my MIL financially more than all her children put together. That's because I love my wife and her family. My family also know one thing - do not treat my Lady wrong. I will bite! I remember dressing down my eldest sister cos she accused my wife wrongly. Now they respectfully ask her to respectfully ask me to do whatever they need. But I still do my duty to my parents and family.

So all I can say is the men really have the ball in their court. There are exceptions to this rule, but usually it falls down to the man. However, the lady can be the deal breaker. A bad wife will try a saint's patience. So the lady also has a big part to play. In the event the husband is a spineless SOB (sorry to all above) the wife had better take an online course in human psychology and theology plus lots of midnight vigils to get the required wisdom.

My 2 kobo

Just go and assist, after the party everybody go your way, she likes you that is why she is telling you.it is always good to render a helping hand.

Godspearl: Family and inlaw trouble can b so annoying,My hubby's family had a meeting and my hubby's immediate broda talked abt me dt I don't usually participate wheneva they have party dt I jst come like a guest.I wasn't bodad cuz I knew its d wife dt told him all dt jst bcuz wen my brodainlaw was graduating from seminary I dint help her personally wit cookin I sent my maid to help... fast forward yesterday my brodainlaws wife called dt she wants to do a surprise bday party fr her husband.(d husbands bday is july 30 bt she wants to do d party 3rd august) which falls on my hubby's bday. What shld I do as I don't want dere wahala again.

LewsTherin: If I wasn't already married with responsible in-laws, believe me the stories I have read on this thread will have me running for the hills! Unlike most nairaland in-law bashing threads, this is factual... and that's what makes it scary
My 2 kobo

let's not all forget that these stories are one-sided.
Going through hispinkolo's story, I think she has her faults too, even though she's the one telling the story.

there are great in-laws out there and we shouldn't use an isolated case to create a manual for all to utilize.

alutacontinua:

let's not all forget that these stories are one-sided.
Going through hispinkolo's story, I think she has her faults too, even though she's the one telling the story.

there are great in-laws out there and we shouldn't use an isolated case to create a manual for all to utilize.

That's the point I am trying to make. I have great in-laws so I know there are nice in-laws out there. I also know how my folks treat our in-laws. Same thing. So if I can have it this good, others can as well.

FINA4804: Just go and assist, after the party everybody go your way, she likes you that is why she is telling you.it is always good to render a helping hand.

Did u read the part where she said it was also her own husband's birth date

Definitely,I have my faults..100%..who doesn't?But you will never catch me exchanging words,insulting,being disrespectful(on purpose)..NEVER.
My major fault is that when i believe in something,i fight hard for it,and i will state my opinion backing it with facts.I hate being told what to do without explanation especially from someone who is not even nice to me..

I expected to be accepted warts and all not just to be the perfect daughter in law,i'm not a stepford pikin.
Honestly,this is the first time in my life i'm facing hostility..

For the Brother in law and wife,I didn't do anything to warrant being singled out..I actually thought we were tight so i was shocked when i heard him say specifically that i shouldn't be told the sex of their child..I reasoned that maybe they don't want to tell people,but it hurt more when i found out that they told others..it was just me..

For MIL..I had a standard misunderstanding with her..called her,spoke with her in confidence only for her to twist my words and her reaction was wayyyy wayyy overboard.the statements she made to me,i can never forget.I took her as my mom for Chrissakes..My mom would NEVER treat me that way.I even used to joke with her that she's partial as she always finds a way to make excuses for her kids misbehaving..Her grouse was that i refused vehemently to follow the idea..In the end i accepted just to avoid wahala though..This is the first argument i've had with her in four years,lol..When i stayed with her for a while,even when i was annoyed,i'd look past anything as per daughterly love and i'm sure she also overlooked anything I did..I just now know that when it comes to her real kids,even when they are wrong,she will be in their corner.I know that once she's with her daughters her behaviour towards me is generally not nice

SILs..hostile from day one.Said nasty things about my folks.But I still made an effort.I even found out one was bearing a grudge about something i didn't do...
It's crayzeeeeeeeeee.
I stand for myself since hubby cannot stand up and fight for me..Werrin man go do.My parents faulted my giving my opinion as it's not my family..BUT thing is I entered there,accepting everyone and thinking that I was now a member of the family like the real kids..lol
I thought they were now my family..

As I mentioned before,I am now wiser... OR maybe there's something wrong with me.
I thank God that since i've kept my distance they are now the ones running helter skelter.
i may need special deliverance..

My question is this : Since you are claiming as a SIL or MIL you are my family,if i wrong you,cant you say so? You don't behave that way to your own family..

Remember i don't think they are bad people,once upon a time,I loved them and went out of my way to be nice till i realised that it's only when i'm good i'm loved..when i'm angry i'm now a bad person..Would you be that way to your sibling or your kid?NO.
Some words once spoken can never be taken back..MIL has apologised but it's difficult for me to get past it,coupled with the new one she acted again..She said sorry again but the damage has been done.


Meanwhile,hubby is a good loving man..he just has F9 in this area.He was okay if i refused to go with the status quo oo but I just thought about it well..no skin off my back plus with all my parents said..I just have turned a new leaf...distant

I had to tell my parents cos i felt soooo alone with no one i could trust,no one in my corner..No one to fight for me..I got strength and insight from them and my grandparents.

I'm 150% sure there are fantastic inlaws out there..
Somewhere in my heart,I still love my MIL and FIL they are nice people ..it's just sad that some things have happened and I can never trust any of them again.Never ever.

You that have read it what advice have you given?

pickabeau1:

Did u read the part where she said it was also her own husband's birth date

@Godspearl, now I understand , just try and convince hubby the both of you can breeze in, but if he does not agree please go enjoy the day with your husband.but you can join her in planing even on phone.

FINA4804: You that have read it what advice have you given?
@Godspearl, now I understand , just try and convince hubby the both of you can breeze in, but if he does not agree please go enjoy the day with your husband.but you can join her in planing even on phone.

Face palm...

I really do appreciate all the contributions made so far. Some are realistic, yes, some are easier said than done. Like I always tell pple around me and my God-couples, 'do not say what you can or cannot do in a situation until you find yourself in that particular situation'. Naturally am a very emotional person, soft and gentle, but can be stubborn too (in self defence), I hate intimidation or being taken for granted.

Like I mentioned, I resolved the issue and am goin to share that experience too.

Godspearl: I'm thinking of going dt very day for few minutes I jst pray hubby agrees else I will jst stay and enjoy hubby's day and leave dem to say wateva dey like

I am not yet married but one solid thing i have learnt from my Mum by watching her dealings when it comes to these extended family issues is to first limit your familiarity. There's no need for all these unnecessary "talks" and useless associations that i see many married women going into.


Do things because you are genuinely happy and willing to do them not because someone somewhere wants to blackmail or coerce you into doing it. Be independent, have an identity of your own and be firm in your decisions.


When people know your unwavering stand on issues they would learn to respect you for it with time. Be diplomatic at the start but be firm and consistent. I can only assure you that with time and as you grow into the marriage they would learn to respect your decisions to be "on your own".

And remember to be able to hold your own in these situations. You must have sharpened that "i don't care" attitude and have developed extra thick skin to all the talks that would emanate from your actions.

@other ladies.

You also need to court the support of your husband and need to see his family as yours also. You just need to learn how to balance between being families and your own personal freedoms and choices demands.

snazzy,
Same with mine,just very controlling sisters in law who force things down your throat not caring how you feel.
How can you make a decision for me without asking me?then act like you are doing me a favor when i didn't ask for it?
Their word is law,no resistance from the boys.
They gang up with Mother and that's it for you..
Never ever given my child anything even a pin and yet I give gifts to them and their children..I watched closely on my child's birthday and none of them gave anything,all my kid got was a card..Thank God my family is more than capable.Spoil baby like crazy.

My parents said it is their family,they have a right to do as they please and run it as they please..
As long as no one is telling me how to run my little nuclear family,i am now fine.

I don't know what i'd have done in your place...I really don't know.

@Onegig
When you treat as your own family and get stabbed in the back nko?When husband does in house support but may not be able to speak up outside or face the aggressor?I am someone's child too i'm just over all the nonsense.No more extra effort.
Before,i'd do all the unnecessary talk cos I was trying to build relationships with them all as per trying to fit in.You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.If husband used to call them 100 times a week and now reduces to 50 times,they blame you.Everything you do is scrutinised..Forever blaming you..
If I'd known what I know now,I'd have been more careful especially with the co-wives and MIL.Well,we live and learn.If only i confided in my folks earlier,it would have been better but I'm a really private person.I just had to talk when I nearly lost my mind after MIL cussed me out.Lucky for me,they bolstered me up,consoled me.Made no excuses for their behaviour but made me see things differently.They still have a good relationship with my parents in law inspite of everything.
i love you dad & mom..

I just know that at least for me,it's now mind my biz ,distance myself and face my family..
Sorry i'm venting..lol

Omo! See as fear grip me. Sometimes I seriously consider not getting married at all. Cuz I'm a very easygoing person but I'm very bad at being cordial with someon I resent.I just can't. And I don't joke with my space. My house is mu sanctuary, my haven, there will be problem if some inlaws just think they can waltz in and out as they wish or just do whatever they like. And I would love me a man who has a danm spine!

bodashee: Omo! See as fear grip me. Sometimes I seriously consider not getting married at all. Cuz I'm a very easygoing person but I'm very bad at being cordial with someon I resent.I just can't. And I don't joke with my space. My house is mu sanctuary, my haven, there will be problem if some inlaws just think they can waltz in and out as they wish or just do whatever they like. And I would love me a man who has a danm spine!

No need for the fear..there are fantastic people out there.I just think it's best to study the family and draw boundaries early..
When you love a man and the man loves you back,the love covers many many defects.When these issues came up,I resented him so much,I was soo angry and bitter that I couldn't trust that he would speak up if need be,i even regretted getting married(We are heading to 4 years)..BUT
I love my husband a lot despite this his particular shortcoming and I know he loves me..He is so giving,loving,open,kind,very helpful,fantastic father and very peaceful generally.It is hard sometimes BUT I chose to be with him and will chop whatever comes my way for his sake.I could have chosen to follow through with my own idea but i mellowed for his sake and my parents.

When I was preggers,he cooked for me for 1 full year..I didn't enter that kitchen.He cared for me singlehandedly..I'd take a bullet for him.So when I remember all these,I just swallow my anger..

Apart from the in-law thing,my home is a happy one,people who come to visit us always comment on how genuine our affection for each other is,our warmth towards others,my folks are not busy racking their heads about if i'm wallowing in unhappiness..
I am grateful for what I have @ least,I believe one day,he will wake up.



It is really important to look well at the family before saying I do.I'd have preferred to live my life without all this drama