Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! - Family (31)

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Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! - Family (31) - Nairaland

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Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by luvablesam(m): 2:15pm On Sep 28, 2014

diamazing:

Why would you say don't go into a partners personal effect, when the partners goes into my private effect, protected or unprotected? Me i don't just snoop, i check, in your presence and in your absence so you're sure that i check and if i see what i don't like, i ask, i don't pretend that i didn't see anything. How do you even manage that?

@ posts. Wow! am learning a lot, i wish i read these 4 years ago when i got married am sure would have been a better wife. I'll find time to share my experience.

Its even worse when a partner knows u would check rite in front of him. U would never catch him. Dat, am sure of

1 Like

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 2:39pm On Sep 28, 2014

Givemejoy: Please I need you to tell me why men are
allowed to get away with everything and we the
women are always the victim. In my 4 years of
marriage with my husband I never used to go
through his phone, but out of curiosity I
checked his phone on the 6th of this month
and I saw text messages between him and
another woman. From what I read in the
messages he is clearly having an affair and
sleeping with this woman. I confronted him and
he denied it, he has deleted the messages but
from then till now we have not been on
speaking terms. My anger is that we have taken
the matter to his parents and my parents and
they are all blaming me for going through his
phone and asking me to apologise to him. I am
so angry and hurt. Why is nobody blaming him
for having an affair. Please what should I do,
did I do anything wrong, why is everybody
supporting him.

This is a good reason why you should try as mych as poosible to keep your issues inhouse . .taking it outside your walls somethines just bring more issues

People cant give what they dont have . . .its most likely that both sets of parents are cheating/being cheated on and so dont see it as a big deal; thats the life they are used to . .they cant bring anything positive to the situation.

As for Snoping, I dont know since when married people decide that they want privacy, (isnt the whole essense of the marriage to becone one and to love and respect each other forsaking all others?) . . . .besides you shoudnt be doing anything that you cant be happy to do in front of your partner.

You didnt do anything wrong and at least now you know what you are up against and can do things to protect yourself from unwanted STD's

Out of curiosity, did you have any idea of the cheating before you looked in his phone?

7 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 2:48pm On Sep 28, 2014

wow, am happy males & husbands amongst us are speaking. Pls come in more often to contribute; we want to see things from your own perspective as well.
No marriage / relationship is problem free! Everyone has one battle or the other he/she is fighting. So lets always come in and contribute.

1 Like

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 2:52pm On Sep 28, 2014

conyema12:

Is this what marriage is all about....
taking shiit and keeping quiet cos you don't want to hurt your woman? Even when its obvious she is wrong.
Sacrificing your ego because you want to be known as a gentle man and a good husband. I would really like to know cos that gentle man thing is not working for me!!

YES!
. . .however it only works when the other person too is able to accept your own short comings too and is able to sacrifice too.
It becomes a problem when one person is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking

Have a deep talk with her and let her know the little little damage she is doing to the relationship and how this damage can eventually become a big hole in what holds the relationship together

Also ask her why she behaves the way she does . . you may be missing something. It could be how her parents lived in her presense or ot could be something that you are doing that makes her react like this.

There are a lot of sacrifices to be made in marriage on both sides and many crosses to bear. The early years are the hardest, but with Prayer, love and respect for each other, things do get easier.

Sometimes one findes themselves piping low for peace even when one is right. Its only when there is peace, that you can really discuss things and get to the nitty gritty.

2 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 2:54pm On Sep 28, 2014

Thanks dear. True love on the way soonest for us all that ve been a victim of bad rship in the past. Partners that would cherish, love, care for us, be faithful, worship the path we thread and most importantly God's will for us shall locate us.
I am not afraid of marriage life as some people say cos I know my marriage will be Heaven on Earth for me and my household.

luvablesam:
My dear, am sorry for all the pain n hurt u felt in the relationship. Some people are too confused to realize what they want for themselves( ur Ex n Mine for example). As I stand will I keep standing, Snooping is a bit too childish and it shows insecurity in its 'rawest' of forms. I used to snoop a bit a bit on my ex but it wasn't worth it.. Instincts is really enough to judge a partners fitness for u.

A little checking is healthy my dear. If you give me a reason to be CID, I go do am perfectly well and would allow your conscience to flog the life out of you.

But for those who profess and perform wella, with no cockroach in their cupboards and who have respect for their coomitment, then we re good to go. I go so love you pieces tongue

but if the reverse is the case, hmmmmm Baba God in Heaven must to flog you bulalala for my sake ooo.

Tis well with us all.

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by egopersonified(f): 3:07pm On Sep 28, 2014

conyema12: First I want to thank the creators of this wonderful thread. Its like the save haven I have been looking for all day.

I am currently in a 2yr old marriage, quite nascent in the institution. Our marriage is what people emulate and most of my friends and colleagues count me as a lucky man, same goes to my wife from her folks. no kids at the moment as we plan to start that b4 this year runs out for obvious reasons.

I love my wife and I still do with all my life. However I have some issues.

Currently my wife does nt seem to appreciate anything I do.
Take her to Genesis cinema, she will tell you silverbird is her preference. I can help her make dinner, tidy the dishes, when she is tired for example yet she finds it difficult to appreciate it.

Her demands are endless as well as her wahala. Always picking faults in every single thing I do
When we have a little disagreement she talks in a harsh tone. I prefer to show maturity and tolerance.
I often help out with the house chores but whenever she does it alone, she eats herself up. When I talk to her about it, her reply will be that she experiences mood swings!....I tire oooo!!.

Is this what marriage is all about....
taking shiit and keeping quiet cos you don't want to hurt your woman? Even when its obvious she is wrong.
Sacrificing your ego because you want to be known as a gentle man and a good husband. I would really like to know cos that gentle man thing is not working for me!!

I believe there is something bothering your wife that she hasnt being able to tell you. Did you both decide to wait a few years before having kids? Do you satisfy her se.xually? Are you able to provide financially? So many questions. When next she has one of her outbursts, just be quiet, after she has calmed down, ask her what is eating her up. Do not ask as if you are judging her, hold her hands and tell her she has to help you understand what is going on. Let her explain and dont defend yourself, just calmly ask her what she would want you to do differently and make her understand why you have always acted that way. When praying together, ask God to help you both understand and learn to live with each other, that you love your family and want to be happy. This works for me more than reporting to people. Just show her what love truely means. When they say a gentleman doesnt have shouting matches or beat his wife, it doesnt mean he shouldnt address issues in a calm and gentle manner. Be blessed.

1 Like

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 3:30pm On Sep 28, 2014

[quote author=Givemejoy][/quote]
A lot has been said. But personally, I blame you for taking your issue to parents. That alone will give your husband the impression that you're too weak to handle his mess and knowing that, he'll keep playing you!
Again, were you expecting your parents to scold your husband?!?!?!

Sorry my dear! Most parents can't talk to their sons or sons-in-law. Society has given Africans the impression that its a 'mans world'. So men have to be allowed, by default setting, to misbehave & get away with it with so much accolade.
You really took a step in the wrong direction! If my husband messes up, I don't even waste my time going to report him to either my parents or his. I personally deal with him very well in my own way! I might not be able to go physical since he's stronger or want to waste my time battering words but there are many ways to kill a rat (even if its a wild bush rat). Simply go back to ur drawing board cos no matter how hardened he is, there must be one or two things you'll do that'll set him up in such a way that he' ll be the one apologising to you and even calling your parents to intervene on his behalf.
My parents know very well that if my husband messes up, they dare not support him & condemn me. If they don't have anything positive to say, they leave us to sort ourselves. i had to make them understand that early. Parents condemning their daughters even when their daughter's husband has committed the greatest atrocity is the major reason most men don't value or have regards for their wives.
Marriage or no marriage, that wife is a human being and should be treated well cos whatever is good for the geese is also good for the gander! I just dont believe in master-servant relationship or marriage.

9 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by FynBabe(f): 6:21pm On Sep 28, 2014

DIDIVA, lol @ wild bush rat cheesy

. Nice one! I also don't do the reporting 2 parents stuff. It never ends in the favour of the woman(they always tell you they are helping you build your home).

3 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by beeevan: 8:19pm On Sep 28, 2014

edwife: As for me,i always ask myself questions,when the society ask women to bear all the pain of a cheating husband and disregard anything that has to do with his philandery,and only focus on taking care of the kids then there is something wrong.One thing they all forgot is that all of us were created by God for a purpose,if all i did as a woman is to be unhappy and miserable from the 1st to 15 years of marriage then I have fail my purpose in this life.

How can a woman tells another woman to support a philandering husband,that when the kids grow i will enjoy,going to omugwo and all that,like seriously?Is it when i am 50 years that i am suppose to enjoy my life whereas he started enjoying and having all the goods of this world almost all through his life?

I refuse to live a life of slavery,nobody go follow me go answer God when judgement day comes.It is unfair to yourself and to the husband because you will live a life of repugnance and misery.

Fear of becoming a has been(a failure) keeps some people from becoming anything.

I do not and never will i advocate divorce but sometimes in life one need to take the bull by the horns.Respect is reciprocal,how you present yourself is very crucial,because no spouse will dare any rubbish if they know your stand and what you can do.

Don't misrepresent yourself while dating and after marriage, you want to form a no nonsense person.It will not work,because there will be constant troubles.

From the get go,he knows i check his phone,so in marriage i will continue to do so.

Women need to know their values and act on them.

It is well with us

If there is anything I have ever sworn on, it's to spend my life alone than to share it with a cheat. I look at people that urge women to keep enduring a womanizer the way I look at mad people . Reporting anything to most parents is a waste of time, as far as am concerned most of them are coded matrimonial failures, they only did well at keeping up appearances.

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Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 8:25pm On Sep 28, 2014

@ fynbabe, yes o my sister. It never ends in the woman's favour most times, so why waste time towing that direction. You brace up & handle your issues properly yourself.

@ Diegs, everyone has given you their own summary. Your happiness comes first. If you decide to place another human being who doesn't even care whether you exist or not first, then the choice is yours!

@conyema12, pls sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your wife when she's in a good mood. Its possible there's something you're doing she's resenting but doesn't feel strong enough to voice it out. Funny enough, it might even be something trivial and which you're not even aware is upsetting her. It might be her own way of signalling you that all is not well.

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by beeevan: 8:27pm On Sep 28, 2014

Any man that has a problem with you going through his phone is a dubious character, don't let any one talk you into believing the crap that you can't go through it. If it ends up hurting you, so be it, at least you know thy enemy. If you weir investing with him, then you have to reshuffle your plans and start planning a future without him, a cheating partner is very unpredictable. The next thing might be your bags outside after you have invested your entire life and hoping on change.

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Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by edwife(f): 8:30pm On Sep 28, 2014

beeevan:

If there is anything I have ever sworn on, it's to spend my life alone than to share it with a cheat. I look at people that urge women to keep enduring a womanizer the way I look at mad people . Reporting anything to most parents is a waste of time, as far as am concerned most of them are coded matrimonial failures, they only did well at keeping up appearances.

lol@mad people grin

But,in life one needs to know when it is enough.Very very important

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by beeevan: 8:35pm On Sep 28, 2014

bodashee: I'm just 22, so a lot of people still think I'm joking........but I honestly don't think I want to ever get married. It doesn't seem like child's play to me....and the Obligations to othere people (in-laws, hubby's associates....) I don't think I can cope with that....I'm not a people pleaser.
Its just very scary when you look around.

If you don't feel upto it, don't, no one will kill you for it, they will only talk. Yet again, won't you want some little cuties of your own?your own DNA

. You never can tell how lucky you will be, inlaw issues is something I have never had to deal with.

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by beeevan: 8:37pm On Sep 28, 2014

edwife:

lol@mad people

But,in life one needs to know when it is enough.Very very important

To some, its really till death do them part, stay married or be dead, chose one grin

1 Like

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by edwife(f): 8:53pm On Sep 28, 2014

beeevan:

To some, its really till death do them part, stay married or be dead, chose one .

Chai Beeevan,girl you bad. tongue

1 Like

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by beeevan: 9:03pm On Sep 28, 2014

edwife:

Chai Beeevan,girl you bad.

My sister marriage no be by force but many no see am like that, death must do them part for the other to be free.

4 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by conyema12(m): 9:12pm On Sep 28, 2014

chaircover:

YES!
. . .however it only works when the other person too is able to accept your own short comings too and is able to sacrifice too.
It becomes a problem when one person is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking

Have a deep talk with her and let her know the little little damage she is doing to the relationship and how this damage can eventually become a big hole in what holds the relationship together

Also ask her why she behaves the way she does . . you may be missing something. It could be how her parents lived in her presense or ot could be something that you are doing that makes her react like this.

There are a lot of sacrifices to be made in marriage on both sides and many crosses to bear. The early years are the hardest, but with Prayer, love and respect for each other, things do get easier.

Sometimes one findes themselves piping low for peace even when one is right. Its only when there is peace, that you can really discuss things and get to the nitty gritty.

Thanks. .. I will do just that

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 9:32pm On Sep 28, 2014

Marriage issues every where. What has caused so much decadence in a union originated by God. I guess the devil doesn't want good homes so that he will many people into his kingdom because of adultery.

I used to believe that communication is the key in marriage, but if you find yourself with a spouse that sees communication as nagging whether you are speaking in a soft tone or you are talking in the middle of fun. Then what can one do? If you have a spouse that believes that he or she is always right then what is the need of communicating? You only communicate when the other partner is ready to listen and learn. But an adamant partner that sees himself or herself as never wrong is a waste of time.

Partners phone? Please why can't I touch my partners phone. What is private about phone? My girlfriend will say you share private part yet phones are sacred and passworded. Snooping is healthy if there are trust issues. But I will always advise that before you confront make sure you have evidence if not it will backfire on you.

One lesson I have learnt in my little years of marriage is that prayer works. But sometimes a separation is the best when there are so many irreconcilable differences. It is better to pray from a distance when you are physically and emotionally healthy.

5 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by beeevan: 10:04pm On Sep 28, 2014

Icherishu that your last paragraph is erect like a pinnacle , pray from a distance kiss

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 10:07pm On Sep 28, 2014

beeevan: Icherishu that your last paragraph is erect like a pinnacle , pray from a distance .

Beevan that is it o. Pray from a distance. Cos one can die from physical or emotional abuse if you want to pray from inside.

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by beeevan: 10:18pm On Sep 28, 2014

Icherishu:
Beevan that is it o. Pray from a distance. Cos one can die from physical or emotional abuse if you want to pray from inside.

People seems to worry a lot about what people will say, some are downright too weak to even try. It's only one life mehn...nothing is really worth dying over. The thought of ones kids being given out to relatives to care for is enough to make any woman love herself passionately.

6 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 10:40pm On Sep 28, 2014

@beevan.....I want kids of my own o. I luv children.

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by beeevan: 12:45am On Sep 29, 2014

bodashee: @beevan.....I want kids of my own o. I luv children.

You might be lucky with marriage, you wont know if you don't try

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 7:22am On Sep 29, 2014

beeevan:

People seems to worry a lot about what people will say, some are downright too weak to even try. It's only one life mehn...nothing is really worth dying over. The thought of ones kids being given out to relatives to care for is enough to make any woman love herself passionately.

That is the problem, thinking of what people will say. Some have resolved to believe that it is not all rosy even outside. So they remain put. My own advice is that even if you want to stay in the face of this abuse. Find away to love yourself. But the wahala is if the man is philandering unprotected. Your life is in trouble.

2 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by snazzylove: 10:07am On Sep 29, 2014

The truth is that you ca never pls everybody no matter how hard you try. Just imagine the following:
1) You try to communucate with hussy (whether in a soft, romantic or harsh tone) they call it nagging so long as you are pointing out that issue they don't want to hear.

2) You try to keep quiet, mind your business and take things the way they are, they say you are dangerous and unpredictable.

3) You try to be familiar and nice around friends and relatives, they say you too do, busy body, always pretending to be nice.

4) You try to be straight and stop the overfamiliarity stuffs, they tag you a snob and too full of him/herself.

5) You decide to just be yourself, there's always something wrong with being yourself, if you are blunt and principled about things, then automatically you are arrogant, if you agree to every terms and conditions then you are mr/mrs follow follow, you don't have a mind of your own.

The bottom line is do what is pleasing in the eyes of God first, cos I beleve that if one pleases God, it is expected that by virtue of that you have equally pleased men, but most times the reverse is the case, cos men have higher expectation of theier fellow men than God has for us all. If God should start paying everybody back according to their iniquities, no man (including me) will stand.

Be just, be kind. Live one day at a time. Challenges will always come, but Gods grace will be most sufficient for us to overcome challenges. Where you need to speak out, do so in love, tempers may rise, you may be misunderstood, yes, but at least you were able to make the other person understand your grievances, at the end, you'll both understand each other better. The ones you cannot speak out for the fear of being labelled a bad man/woman, take it to God in prayers, I believe one day everything will come out in the open and you'll be justified as long as you are on the side of truth, equity and justice.

Good morning all. And may we have a beautiful day and a peaceful week.

Gracias!

6 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Godmystrength: 11:24am On Sep 29, 2014

luvablesam:

As painful as ur situation might sound,I think u shldnt have gone thru his phone cos it has hurt u n ur trust for him is now on the lowest of ebbs...don't cheat too cos of this.its not worth it.

[size=20pt]MTSCHEW[/size]

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Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by luvablesam(m): 11:34am On Sep 29, 2014

Godmystrength: [size=20pt]MTSCHEW[/size]

HAHAHAHAHA

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Godmystrength: 11:45am On Sep 29, 2014

luvablesam: HAHAHAHAHA

Abeg commot make i see road jare.........

@house - I pray that this week and the remaining weeks in this year will be exciting/wonderful/fulfilling beyond our expectation and imagination in Jesus' name.. Amen

Meanwhile, today is my wedding anniversary officially. grin

cake and ice cream in my office. you are all invited cheesy

8 Likes

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 12:01pm On Sep 29, 2014

Godmystrength: Abeg commot make i see road jare.........

@house - I pray that this week and the remaining weeks in this year will be exciting/wonderful/fulfilling beyond our expectation and imagination in Jesus' name.. Amen

Meanwhile, today is my wedding anniversary officially. cake and ice cream in my office. you are all invited

congrats ma cheesy

am so running to your office for the cake .

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Godmystrength: 12:10pm On Sep 29, 2014

Elantracey:

congrats ma

am so running to your office for the cake .

Thanks dearie grin

be quick about it before the ice cream melts o

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 12:12pm On Sep 29, 2014

Godmystrength: Thanks dearie be quick about it before the ice cream melts o

hmmmm I pray that you marriage continues to be filled with love, understanding , peace , happiness and all the good this of life cheesy

1 Like

Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Agrika: 12:18pm On Sep 29, 2014

Been following silently, mehn these women are the real deal as in the real Warrior Queens, omo una don begin dey make me fear oo as per this cheating and HIV tinz cos us na every 3-4 months we dey see our hubby.

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