smokescreen4:
Breadplanet am happy for you, tears rolled down my eyes as I read your post, my husband and i are both AS, I did a genotype test in 2010 was told I was AA, I met my hubby October of 2010 I was in abuja he was in benue. We both did our test and all separately I was so confident about my genotype I just did my blood group which I knew before and Hiv test.my hubby did his in benue we got married in November 2011, I took in after 8months during antenatal I was asked to do a genotype test and blood group test me and my hubby, I was sooo shocked when the test came out and I was AS same as my husband, I cried I prayed I almost dies I have birth to a very handsome boy in April 2012, I had to wait 7months to find out if my son was SS, it was the longest 7months of my life I begged God, my hubby's elder brother is SS he is over 40 years he is married with 3boys, my hubby told me of his healthy sister who died before the brother, he told me he can get married to an SS lady, we did the test when my son was 8months he was AA, I was sooo happy, my boy is a year and 6 months am ttcing for baby number two, am sooo scared I don't want to bring a child to dis world to suffer. I married a GOOD MAN sometimes I wonder how I would have ended the relationship if we both knew then we were both AS, am sooo scared of getting pregnant and my hubby loves kids, I want more kids, oh God what a mistake! !! can't type again God help me.

The Lord who did the first miracle is still on the throne and will surely complete his good work over you and your family.

But sincerely, I must confess I am kinda shocked that the error rate in Naija hospitals or is it laboratories is this high. I am AC , same for all my siblings and the tests always got it right the first time in this same Naija. Just that doctors would usually say we are the first cases they are seeing as they had only read abt the less common variations in med school. Were we just lucky? cuz I'm still wondering why common types like AS and AA will have this high error rate. God help Naija!

You see.... Truth is, only a few in laws can act like your own family. Thank God you reconfirmed again. What's the good news na? Make I come chop rice . Congrats, dear! It is well with you.

hispinkolo:
@Fynbabe,
Thanks for that..you are very correct.

You won't believe what just happened now sef.I just got very very good news now,something that has been weighing me down just went through.She had been quite supportive while i was down in the dumps..calling etc and that's majorly what made me ask you guys if i should relent..So as the thing went through now now,I called my family and they were jumping and shouting.Even my Dad was overwhelmed with joy.I called her,she was sooo cold about it,lacklustre and even scolded me for being worried and depressed about it.Asking me why i was then making everyone so depressed,that i should go and thank God(not in a good way).This is a stark contrast from my family.She couldn't even get herself to rejoice

My deeeaarrrr,God has answered the question I put up this morning.!MY FACE SQUARELY INFRONT!!!! can't be giving people opportunity to hurt me!!
It is well!

Congrats@breadplanets!!! Happy for you

hispinkolo:
@breadplanets,
I'm waiting along with you, .
You did the right thing,as i said you have plenty of liver.It's fantastic that you took your own future into your hands abeg. I've always known i'm AA but one week before my wedding the church said we should carry out tests.
I went confidently with DH,only for the result to come out as AS.I nearly collapsed oo!DH is AA so nothing to worry about but i was sooo flabbergasted because i've always known and been told i'm AA. Anyways,redid the test some months later and it was AA.
If DH was AS and that test showed AS,we would have probably jumped into River Niger together(as in romance )..
GOOD LUCK!!


Meanwhile my face front resolve is being sorely tested by my MIL.I have totally withdrawn from everyone and just do polite and respectful with no extras. After she cursed me out,i have been cool.I do not go into detail about anything pertaining me at all and call like once in 2 weeks.I just make sure hubby does his part very well.It is totally unlike me that is always sooo friendly,asking everyone how far and keeping in touch.
Remember i always used to get along with her,took her like my mother,she even wears my clothes etc.
I'm a person who is fiercely loyal and i love with everything in me.I can't do half and half.It's either i love you,i hate you,or i ignore you.When she calls and we talk,i feel my like/love for her surging back and i just want to gist normally but somehow my mind keeps screaming Judas Judas Judas.

I'm wondering if her overtures are genuine or she wants something from me as usual.Christmas is around the corner and she knows her son is too busy to do anything meaningful.I'm the one who gives fashion advise,i'm the one who buys funky shoes,The extra quid she needs,i make sure she gets it etc.

How do i deal with this?I know she will always side her kids and will betray again(maybe more subtly next time).When i think back to what she did,i don't feel that hurt or angry again.How do I continue face front with her?She's trYing to wear me down oooooo with endless calls and talking like i matter.

I NEED HELP!!!!!

NB. Face front with the others still very much intact,no shaking.I do not ask if i'm not asked,I don't call,nothing.But they still ask for favors which i help out with but i reject any offers to do anything for me.

I'm not naturally so stand offish,so it's really an effort for me.Going back to my normal self involves my whole being,the temperamental and the good side of me.I feel like i'm looking for trouble again by entertaining these going back to love thoughts.

Your thoughts please!!

My 2cents
Pls don't over do it. Do whatever you want to do 4 her wit a free mind nd don't expect anything in return,
according to Shakespeare " expectations hurts".

@bellong happy birthday, wishing u all d best nd more marital bliss.
@ Godismystrenght dis too shall pass nd it will soon be a story to tell,God will see you thru.

smokescreen4:
Breadplanet am happy for you, tears rolled down my eyes as I read your post, my husband and i are both AS, I did a genotype test in 2010 was told I was AA, I met my hubby October of 2010 I was in abuja he was in benue. We both did our test and all separately I was so confident about my genotype I just did my blood group which I knew before and Hiv test.my hubby did his in benue we got married in November 2011, I took in after 8months during antenatal I was asked to do a genotype test and blood group test me and my hubby, I was sooo shocked when the test came out and I was AS same as my husband, I cried I prayed I almost dies I have birth to a very handsome boy in April 2012, I had to wait 7months to find out if my son was SS, it was the longest 7months of my life I begged God, my hubby's elder brother is SS he is over 40 years he is married with 3boys, my hubby told me of his healthy sister who died before the brother, he told me he can get married to an SS lady, we did the test when my son was 8months he was AA, I was sooo happy, my boy is a year and 6 months am ttcing for baby number two, am sooo scared I don't want to bring a child to dis world to suffer. I married a GOOD MAN sometimes I wonder how I would have ended the relationship if we both knew then we were both AS, am sooo scared of getting pregnant and my hubby loves kids, I want more kids, oh God what a mistake! !! can't type again God help me.

awww mehn.... Its is well. Just like kimono said, the God that did the first one is still on the throne.

@Fynbabe
Thanks love.My dear,I just gained one more step towards my dream job.Remains one to seal the deal
I guess family is family true true.My moment of epiphany has passed,it's back to bizniz as usual.
Rice plenty,Abeg come chop!

Ijeoma2728,
Thanks you,advise noted.
I'm back to status quo..facing front.
My expectation days ended this year
Cheers!

Ok, on my way to go and chop rice! Knock, knock, oya serve me the rice sharp, sharp make I do dey go

hispinkolo:
@Fynbabe
Thanks love.My dear,I just gained one more step towards my dream job.Remains one to seal the deal
I guess family is family true true.My moment of epiphany has passed,it's back to bizniz as usual.
Rice plenty,Abeg come chop!

Ijeoma2728,
Thanks you,advise noted.
I'm back to status quo..facing front.
My expectation days ended this year
Cheers!

Hello my beloved. I have been a keen follower of this thread from page1 till now. I have somethings bothering me about my hubby. I have found a way to deal with it but I still find it depressing some times.

My hubby is a very friendly person, every where he goes he makes a lot of friends both male and female. My problem is that he doesn't know when to draw the line between this women. He can turn a career counsellor, relationship counsellor, etc. So when he spends time with this women by either calls or chats or physically seeing. This women gets to fall in love and he doesn't know how to tell them off. Cos I feel his nature is that he doesn't want to hurt them. So he rather hurts me than telling them off. Money exchanges hand between this women, recharged cards are sent. I have repeatedly talked to him about all these. But he makes me feel as if I don't want him to keep friends. So he resorted to deleting their call logs and chat logs now.

I feel depressed when I see these things and is like there is no change in sight. He doesn't believe my school of thought that close female friends and ex should be left behind. He believes that once friends are always friends. I love him but this his attitude is making me to kill every form of feelings for him cos I don't want to be hurt anymore. This is affecting my feelings towards sex with him as I get to fantasize about the relationship I had before I married him when making love to him.

He was like this when we were dating but people kept saying that he will change when we are married. During marriage now, he has become discreet about it. No one should even suggest communication cos I have done my best but he seems to think that I want to control him. So I am not talking about it again but I am dying in silence.

You have done everything and there's still no change? My dear, you no go comot mind make you get rest of mind! (That is, if you are sure he doesn't sleep with them o). Maybe there's really nothing to worry about like he said. I know its difficult to just ignore him while he carries on but what else can you do? Maybe you should still talk to him about it. I don't even know what else to say but I think taking your mind off it will do you a lot of good. Na wa o! Make person no come die on top husband matter abeg.

goodheart4God:
Hello my beloved. I have been a keen follower of this thread from page1 till now. I have somethings bothering me about my hubby. I have found a way to deal with it but I still find it depressing some times.

My hubby is a very friendly person, every where he goes he makes a lot of friends both male and female. My problem is that he doesn't know when to draw the line between this women. He can turn a career counsellor, relationship counsellor, etc. So when he spends time with this women by either calls or chats or physically seeing. This women gets to fall in love and he doesn't know how to tell them off. Cos I feel his nature is that he doesn't want to hurt them. So he rather hurts me than telling them off. Money exchanges hand between this women, recharged cards are sent. I have repeatedly talked to him about all these. But he makes me feel as if I don't want him to keep friends. So he resorted to deleting their call logs and chat logs now.

I feel depressed when I see these things and is like there is no change in sight. He doesn't believe my school of thought that close female friends and ex should be left behind. He believes that once friends are always friends. I love him but this his attitude is making me to kill every form of feelings for him cos I don't want to be hurt anymore. This is affecting my feelings towards sex with him as I get to fantasize about the relationship I had before I married him when making love to him.

He was like this when we were dating but people kept saying that he will change when we are married. During marriage now, he has become discreet about it. No one should even suggest communication cos I have done my best but he seems to think that I want to control him. So I am not talking about it again but I am dying in silence.

FynBabe:
You have done everything and there's still no change? My dear, you no go comot mind make you get rest of mind! (That is, if you are sure he doesn't sleep with them o). Maybe there's really nothing to worry about like he said. I know its difficult to just ignore him while he carries on but what else can you do? Maybe you should still talk to him about it. I don't even know what else to say but I think taking your mind off it will do you a lot of good. Na wa o! Make person no come die on top husband matter abeg.

That is what I am doing now but I feel it won't help the marriage as I get to resent him sometimes for not really understanding the way I feel. Yet if I chat with any female friend and clears it. He will almost threaten to break my phone. I can't talk to him again as I have talked for several years but just making him more discreet.

Just looking for ways I can love him no more or love him less. Years of agony. If it isn't Grace today it will be miracle tomorrow. Some of these women have span for more years I have known him.

Fynbabe,
Oya open mouth swallow rice


Goodheart4God,
Come and collect e-hug,you sound like you need it
Soo sorry for all your pain and stress.I'm sure it's difficult to live thru years of Ngozi and Caro.The main issue is that he's always been this way and you knew.So truly,it's either you do something drastic,you press ignore button or keep praying.
You have said we should not mention communication because you've tried it for years and it still hasn't worked.I will respect that and maybe suggest the alternative and that is meeting fire for fire.

Some people do not learn unless they have a taste of their own medicine.Please bear in mind that what I'm saying is what I would do if my husband is acting like yours despite trying to communicate and talk.Also bear in mind that your Dh and mine probably have different characters.
First,I'd talk and warn about the dangers of over friendliness.I believe many men claim they don't know how to bat away unwanted attention from different woman,they claim they don't want to be rude or hurt them.Some even go to the extent of displeasing you the good wife at home so they can keep appearing saintly,lovely and kind to outsiders.I've given an example of one grasshopper that wanted to turn Dh into gym instructor for no just cause and he was doing sme sme till my eyes turned blood red.When I finally saw her,kaiiii..funny enough it's even those chicks that we under estimate that are the real dangerous ones.I don't blame her sef,it's Dh that was playing mr nice guy

Anyways,if my talking doesn't work,I will begin to chat and erase as well & I'll make sure he knows it's exactly what I'm doing..What's the worst that can happen?? Will you be a hypocrite and turn round to harass me when you are doing the same thing? My sister,my blood de hot o so I won't even standby and let him disturb me when I'm merely following my leader.And I will tell him exactly that in my ogbanje voice.

He's saying you want to control him? That's a way to guilt you and get you off his back.Reverse psychology at its best.Dh has done that phase naww..Because I asked him one time why he called a particular person,instead of answering the question,he started singing control,policing.I said okayyyyy from today,I won't go near your phone and don't you dare smell mine too.I'm madam phone activity,people always calling me up and down.Before one week,he claimed he just said it cos I pushed him to the wall,that there's nothing like privacy in this house,bla bla(I just laughed my spiritual laugh)..

My dear,you know your hubby and what to do to gain his attention.DO IT.If it's painting your lips red,start it.If it's changing your whole underwear stash,do it.What is it that you can do that pains him?Do it with wicked glee ,Let him realise that you are human too and not a sponge that just absorbs hurt.Find that BUTTON and squeeze it till he can't take it.Or are you afraid?Sister,change your wardrobe,do new hair,find a new hobby that takes you out of the house,find a new game on your phone,pay attention to that phone like your life depends on it.While you're at it,have se x with him 1 week straight,everyday like you are possessed. .After each shagging session,warn him to stop chAtting with those chicks.He will sit up.( my point is do something out of character).

I don't know about you,but I have purposed that no man will give me unnecessary wrinkles,high bp or send me to an early grave.I'd rather send you off there first.Children are so in tune with Mommys mood.So they'll know you as a miserable cat?always moody? No way oo. It's good to love oo but when the love becomes wicked,self preservation should kick in.
All these I'd do if it's my husband.If you cannot follow through with the hard method,you know the usual..watch and prayyyy.
Me,I believe in action!

Do not let anyone keep you in misery!

NB..Please make sure you always get tested..just to be sure.I just don't know why sometimes it's the people we love that hurt us so deeply?

Na so I go just dey read hispinkolo's post dey laugh at my tablet like crze dey chop my head


I bet y'all don't need extra comedy in ya house....

bia, wetin do the grasshopper when you finally meet am?

@alutacontinua
They all sound funny now but when it's happening ehh
The babe served me pepper soup and disappeared forever.I was sooo disappointed when i saw her,nothing special,just a kpanla with beady eyes.I'll point out though that those things didnt make her less of a threat.I know that people that are not that attractive usually make a lot of effort character wise.
Anyways,I finished Dh well well and asked him why it's people that look like tadpoles that are always attracted to him,meanwhile I pull the hot guys
This man and I have been through so much.Praise God for his maturity and patience cos my blood used to boil that timeee,kaiii.
Now the blood is just hot

goodheart4God:
Hello my beloved. I have been a keen follower of this thread from page1 till now. I have somethings bothering me about my hubby. I have found a way to deal with it but I still find it depressing some times.

My hubby is a very friendly person, every where he goes he makes a lot of friends both male and female. My problem is that he doesn't know when to draw the line between this women. He can turn a career counsellor, relationship counsellor, etc. So when he spends time with this women by either calls or chats or physically seeing. This women gets to fall in love and he doesn't know how to tell them off. Cos I feel his nature is that he doesn't want to hurt them. So he rather hurts me than telling them off. Money exchanges hand between this women, recharged cards are sent. I have repeatedly talked to him about all these. But he makes me feel as if I don't want him to keep friends. So he resorted to deleting their call logs and chat logs now.

I feel depressed when I see these things and is like there is no change in sight. He doesn't believe my school of thought that close female friends and ex should be left behind. He believes that once friends are always friends. I love him but this his attitude is making me to kill every form of feelings for him cos I don't want to be hurt anymore. This is affecting my feelings towards sex with him as I get to fantasize about the relationship I had before I married him when making love to him.

He was like this when we were dating but people kept saying that he will change when we are married. During marriage now, he has become discreet about it. No one should even suggest communication cos I have done my best but he seems to think that I want to control him. So I am not talking about it again but I am dying in silence.

In fairness to your husband, he has always been like that and nothing has really changed. . . .You changed the goal posts and you are asking him to change something very fundamental to him

The blunt truth is that you are not going to be able to to totally change him. You may only be able to meet each other in the middle somewhere. So for example you can reach an agreement that he lets you know the people he is sending money to and he does not have an affiar with any of these people no matter how much they push.

Already he is deleting chats, and he is always going to try to be one step ahead of you and find ways to hoodwink you. Personally I think that its even better that you know what is going on so at least you can advise, and gently pull back when he is going off on a tangent. So basically you need to get those lines of communication open, becasue with or without your knowing he will still do what he does.

Dont let him see you as the "enemy" or you further push him away. Make him a friend as well as a husband. Let him see that you are as interesting as all his other friends too. Subtly take up as much of his time as you can. You are his wife so you should know how to do that. also show interest in some of his friends and conversations so you are aware of the situation. Also when the so called female friends know that his wife is in the know of all their chats, they will back off too and he no longer as attractive to them.

I know all this may sound the opposite of what you are expecting to hear, but I tell you something, its not every fight you win with gra gra. In this case how many times do you want to shout? Its an ongoing issue. He will always meet new people even if he gets rid of the old ones. You need to sit yourself firmly down in his mind and heart and the only way to get in there is by subtly putting yourself there and letting him see that you are on his side and so important to him that he wouldnt want to do anything to loose you.

Its not an immediate instant thing. It takes time and it sometimes means that you look like a mugu but you are actually playing your cards right. The last thing you want is for your man to fear you cos one day one day he can/will call your bluff. A man should naturally feel that he cant live without you. Let him reach that realization himself rather than you forcing it upon him. I hope this has been a bit helpful to you.

All the best.

Goodheart4God,
I strongly suggest you follow CCs method,that's a much wiser approach.B4 u follow my fire n end up in a blazing furnace

Hispinkolo has said it all. Try some of the things she said and let's see how it goes. All the best.

goodheart4God:

That is what I am doing now but I feel it won't help the marriage as I get to resent him sometimes for not really understanding the way I feel. Yet if I chat with any female friend and clears it. He will almost threaten to break my phone. I can't talk to him again as I have talked for several years but just making him more discreet.

Just looking for ways I can love him no more or love him less. Years of agony. If it isn't Grace today it will be miracle tomorrow. Some of these women have span for more years I have known him.

chaircover:


In fairness to your husband, he has always been like that and nothing has really changed. . . .You changed the goal posts and you are asking him to change something very fundamental to him

The blunt truth is that you are not going to be able to to totally change him. You may only be able to meet each other in the middle somewhere. So for example you can reach an agreement that he lets you know the people he is sending money to and he does not have an affiar with any of these people no matter how much they push.

Already he is deleting chats, and he is always going to try to be one step ahead of you and find ways to hoodwink you. Personally I think that its even better that you know what is going on so at least you can advise, and gently pull back when he is going off on a tangent. So basically you need to get those lines of communication open, becasue with or without your knowing he will still do what he does.

Dont let him see you as the "enemy" or you further push him away. Make him a friend as well as a husband. Let him see that you are as interesting as all his other friends too. Subtly take up as much of his time as you can. You are his wife so you should know how to do that. also show interest in some of his friends and conversations so you are aware of the situation. Also when the so called female friends know that his wife is in the know of all their chats, they will back off too and he no longer as attractive to them.

I know all this may sound the opposite of what you are expecting to hear, but I tell you something, its not every fight you win with gra gra. In this case how many times do you want to shout? Its an ongoing issue. He will always meet new people even if he gets rid of the old ones. You need to sit yourself firmly down in his mind and heart and the only way to get in there is by subtly putting yourself there and letting him see that you are on his side and so important to him that he wouldnt want to do anything to loose you.

Its not an immediate instant thing. It takes time and it sometimes means that you look like a mugu but you are actually playing your cards right. The last thing you want is for your man to fear you cos one day one day he can/will call your bluff. A man should naturally feel that he cant live without you. Let him reach that realization himself rather than you forcing it upon him. I hope this has been a bit helpful to you.

All the best.

Thank you CC I have done most of what you have advised. He tells me he can't tell me who and who he is sending money to because I might not understand the motive behind it. So that one is totally out of it as he hasn't shift ground on that. Some of these women are aware that I am aware of their closeness. They have resorted to not calling when they presumed he is at home. There are some that I wouldn't even have bothered myself but when money started exchanging hands. When I can barely live a comfortable life yet he is doing philanthropy, it is so annoying.

I am not a boring person but is just that sometimes I prefer to leave him let him have space. Let him not feel that I don't have what to do with my time.

I think we just have a different ideology of how life should be and how marriage should be. I think now I understand that it is better to choose base on realities than choosing base on emotions. I guess loving someone is not a guarantee that they will love you back. Because if you like displease yourself to please them. They will always see that other people that are important to them.

Just need to find ways to be happy. Guess just ignoring isn't enough.

Good heart, follow CCs advice.

hispinkolo:
@alutacontinua
They all sound funny now but when it's happening ehh
The babe served me pepper soup and disappeared forever.I was sooo disappointed when i saw her,nothing special[b],just a kpanla with beady eyes.[/b]I'll point out though that those things didnt make her less of a threat.I know that people that are not that attractive usually make a lot of effort character wise.
Anyways,I finished Dh well well and asked him why it's people that look like tadpoles that are always attracted to him,meanwhile I pull the hot guys
This man and I have been through so much.Praise God for his maturity and patience cos my blood used to boil that timeee,kaiii.
Now the blood is just hot

You bad!

@Ladychaircover

Goodheart follow CC's advice and if like u said u have done all that and its not working then its time for a heart to heart talk. Seat with him and tell him how his actions and what his doing makes you feel and wats its doing to your marriage. Pour out your heart to him and b4 you do this pray to God to give him a listening hear cos na only God fit change man heart. I feel your pain wish you all the best.

Goodheart follow CC's advice and if like u said u have done all that and its not working then its time for a heart to heart talk. Seat with him and tell him how his actions and what his doing makes you feel and what its doing to your marriage. Pour out your heart to him and b4 you do this pray to God to give him a listening hear cos na only God fit change man heart. I feel your pain wish you all the best....

goodheart4God:


My hubby is a very friendly person, every where he goes he makes a lot of friends both male and female. My problem is that he doesn't know when to draw the line between this women. He can turn a career counsellor, relationship counsellor, etc..
.
.
No one should even suggest communication cos I have done my best but he seems to think that I want to control him. So I am not talking about it again but I am dying in silence.

I can actually relate with your hubby. I am very sure that before he got married to you, he must have believed that "yes this is the woman who understand me". But unfortunately like most women out there, you thought "he will change and be mine and mine alone."
My dear it's very possible for him to be yours and yours alone, if you will continue accepting him the way he was before he married. By that I mean accepting the fact that your hubby loves helping people, he feels other people's pain and he feels that by counselling them, giving those in need money he will at least put a smile in someone's face.
Madam, like CC said, open those communication channels. If your hubby is anything like me, he will equally open up on his "relationship" with these "women friends". By opening up communication channels, I dont mean criticize him or put him in the defensive. Get him to tell you about each and everyone of these friends. Then in communicating with him, get him to see your own point of view. Get him to understand that these women may not have pure heart the same way he has.
I am not saying he will stop, but he will come around to being more careful around those women, and the ones who have hidden agenda will walk off . THE TRUTH IS, HE IS DELETING THOSE CHATS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR IMAGINATIONS TO KEEP RUNNING WILD.

Abali1:

I can actually relate with your hubby. I am very sure that before he got married to you, he must have believed that "yes this is the woman who understand me". But unfortunately like most women out there, you thought "he will change and be mine and mine alone."
My dear it's very possible for him to be yours and yours alone, if you will continue accepting him the way he was before he married. By that I mean accepting the fact that your hubby loves helping people, he feels other people's pain and he feels thasentiment.
ounselling them, giving those in need money he will at least put a smile in someone's face.
Madam, like CC said, open those communication channels. If your hubby is anything like me, he will equally open up on his "relationship" with these "women friends". By opening up communication channels, I dont mean criticize him or put him in the defensive. Get him to tell you about each and everyone of these friends. Then in communicating with him, get him to see your own point of view. Get him to understand that these women may not have pure heart the same way he has.
I am not saying he will stop, but he will come around to being more careful around those women, and the ones who have hidden agenda will walk off . THE TRUTH IS, HE IS DELETING THOSE CHATS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR IMAGINATIONS TO KEEP RUNNING WILD.

Thank you Abali1 you have said most of the things I have said. I am not a kind of woman that is stingy and doesn't want him to give. If I were to be that I wouldn't be with him cos he is a giver and I have come to understand that with him. I give people too but my problem is that he doesn't seems to see that some of these people are coming because of what they feel he can always give them cos he has a good. I don't want him to change from being who he is. I just want him to know when to draw the line.

About open communication, that is actually where the major problem is. He doesn't carry me along. He doesn't explain these relationships, even if they are speaking every day. He feels he doesn't owe you any explanation by coming to tell you about this. He has this mentalily that he is entitled to his friends and he doesn't need to come and explain who these women are. He says he can give anybody money at any point in time without having to consult me. From my opinion, I feel we ain't stable financially yet and we can't afford to spend base on sentiment. Getting to talk about those women, he doesn't and if you ask he will just give you a vague answer like she is fine.

On telling him he can't trust those women. Don't even go there. He trust the women more than you. Cos he feels you are complaining cos you don't like them. To him none of them comes for anything just pure friendship and it is you that don't understand that people can just be friends. Yes I agree people can be friends but as a woman I just see that some of them means no good.

I guess him deleting it doesn't want me to feel bad about but I will prefer he leaves them. I thrive more on openness than secrecy. All these if you have one single mail friend. He will go to any length to scrutinize him.

@Abali1,
I will keep saying that people fall into sh it because they keep masking things with friendliness or ignorance.Lets say I am a female who is looking for a sugar daddy,I meet a man who is sooo friendly and listens to me despite being married? Calling me,texting me,checking up on me etc .Please,is that man serious?is he not encouraging me? How will I respect his wife when he's acting with blatant disregard for her?Or do you think that when a girl decides to chase after a married man,she goes straight and says Oga commot your dross,I wan do you today? NO. Females can be very very cunning and will normally go through the 'sob story,advise me' method. Then Oga friendly will now start brandishing his wisdom from there abi? Why do we humans like to set ourselves up for wahala?
Is it not better to plan with wifey those to help? Why can he not counsel them along with his wife?

You are a newly wed,how long will wifey keep smiling at you being over friendly?At first she may think she can handle it but after a while,it will start getting on her nerves.I think married people should know where to draw the line.If you look well,it's females that are recipients of his largesse.Why is it mostly them?Why is he over reacting when she wipes her own chats and calls?
Whether we like it or not,humans are territorial by nature and honestly it is irritating to have a spouse that you share with the whole world.
Is it not wise that if your spouse is not at ease with something,you let it go or at least reach an understanding that he/she is happy with?I'm yet to see any man or woman who is very happy with their spouses being daddy/husband to all the females or mummy/wife to all mankind

Having good motives has not stopped anyone from falling into temptation especially when you are dealing with members of the opposite se x.The problem is that by the time you are realising your mistakes,it may be too late.
When you are talking about a woman who understands you,are you also willing to understand if she has hordes of male friends that she's 'helping' and sending money to?Also chatting with on the phone for hours at a time?

She has stated that they are not even comfortable financially and he's busy playing father Xmas to females.It's a very painful thing to live with.
You say he's deleting his chats cos he doesn't want the wife's imagination to run wild..how are you sure? He's spending hours talking with them and sending cash they don't even have..
When we agree to share our lives with another person,it's expected that some attitude that go hand in hand with singledom should be dropped or adjusted so at least your spouse can be comfortable.

Abeg all over friendly nice guys should fear God.I dey carry this thing for head cos me I have experienced how easy it is to fall.Aplologies to any who are offended.I just feel that sometimes when you've talked and talked and talked and there's no head way,tough love is the next line of action.it's either that or accept your fate and pray.

Sorry for the too much talk.
Goodheart4God,I'm really sorry for all your pains..

pieces2:
Goodheart follow CC's advice and if like u said u have done all that and its not working then its time for a heart to heart talk. Seat with him and tell him how his actions and what his doing makes you feel and what its doing to your marriage. Pour out your heart to him and b4 you do this pray to God to give him a listening hear cos na only God fit change man heart. I feel your pain wish you all the best....

Sis thank you, have communicated severally. In the past have cried am even tired of crying. I do actually pray for him and I know God is working on him. It is just that after several communications, telling him not to clear calls or chat logs if nuffin is going on meets deaf ear. You call a lady everyday for long hours yet u guys aren't running biz or ain't in a project team together. Or the ladies that you are sending money to get to fix human hair yet your wife is still fixing synthetic. Kai there is God o.

@ andromida
I swear I bad that time o
My blood no dey boil like that again.Dh don give me magic powder through his patience and understanding.
I'm now his mumu

@hispinkolo thank you my sis for coming to my rescue. I thought at a point in time. I was the one with the problem that couldn't understand the need for these "friends". To be fair to him, he has some genuine ones that even wants to be your friends at a point in time. You can feel it from a woman angle that these ones means well and I don't ever complain about those ones.

I don't understand how people wants to get married and still want to live life like a single person. Knowing that someone else is in your life. Your most obligations is for your spouse first before every other person.

Is it not an irony that he can keep chains of opposite sex yet my female friends are scrutinized.

Dear goodheart4God,
Take a deep breathe and relax, it is not that bad from your replies here I sense you have already concluded on this issues. It will get better pls relax.
Abali,CC and others have given you workable advice you just have to approach the issue lovingly I admit its hard but you just have to speak to the king in him, he will come round.

goodheart4God,
I understand you,we all here understand what you are going through and definitely feel bad for you.Bad habits are hard to drop.
However,I don't want you to take my advice cos your Dh appears to be stubborn and apparently sees no wrong in what he's doing.

I can imagine how painful it is to see these babes with brazillian hair funded by hubby while you are managing Darling Yaki..kaiii!
Do you have a job?You need to get one and start kitting yourself up o!Is there anything you enjoy doing?You may have to pour yourself into these in order to distract you from all these nonsense.You can't let yourself sink into unhappiness.

You know your hubby and you know how best to get his attention.Just remember not to be naive.Once you are sure he's not sleeping with them,you may need to channel all your energy towards yourself till/if he comes around.I cannot give you any false assurances cos he has always been like this.If he insists that they are purely friends,ask him to invite them home so you all will meet.

Some males are truly friendly and are innocent.While the rest know exactly what they are doing.If yours is the innocent type,you have to keep up the talking.If he's the end type kind,you know exactly what to do.
Sorry my dear.We are here for you

hispinkolo:
Fynbabe,
Oya open mouth swallow rice


Goodheart4God,
Come and collect e-hug,you sound like you need it
Soo sorry for all your pain and stress.I'm sure it's difficult to live thru years of Ngozi and Caro.The main issue is that he's always been this way and you knew.So truly,it's either you do something drastic,you press ignore button or keep praying.
You have said we should not mention communication because you've tried it for years and it still hasn't worked.I will respect that and maybe suggest the alternative and that is meeting fire for fire.

Some people do not learn unless they have a taste of their own medicine.Please bear in mind that what I'm saying is what I would do if my husband is acting like yours despite trying to communicate and talk.Also bear in mind that your Dh and mine probably have different characters.
First,I'd talk and warn about the dangers of over friendliness.I believe many men claim they don't know how to bat away unwanted attention from different woman,they claim they don't want to be rude or hurt them.Some even go to the extent of displeasing you the good wife at home so they can keep appearing saintly,lovely and kind to outsiders.I've given an example of one grasshopper that wanted to turn Dh into gym instructor for no just cause and he was doing sme sme till my eyes turned blood red.When I finally saw her,kaiiii..funny enough it's even those chicks that we under estimate that are the real dangerous ones.I don't blame her sef,it's Dh that was playing mr nice guy

Anyways,if my talking doesn't work,I will begin to chat and erase as well & I'll make sure he knows it's exactly what I'm doing..What's the worst that can happen?? Will you be a hypocrite and turn round to harass me when you are doing the same thing? My sister,my blood de hot o so I won't even standby and let him disturb me when I'm merely following my leader.And I will tell him exactly that in my ogbanje voice.

He's saying you want to control him? That's a way to guilt you and get you off his back.Reverse psychology at its best.Dh has done that phase naww..Because I asked him one time why he called a particular person,instead of answering the question,he started singing control,policing.I said okayyyyy from today,I won't go near your phone and don't you dare smell mine too.I'm madam phone activity,people always calling me up and down.Before one week,he claimed he just said it cos I pushed him to the wall,that there's nothing like privacy in this house,bla bla(I just laughed my spiritual laugh)..

My dear,you know your hubby and what to do to gain his attention.DO IT.If it's painting your lips red,start it.If it's changing your whole underwear stash,do it.What is it that you can do that pains him?Do it with wicked glee ,Let him realise that you are human too and not a sponge that just absorbs hurt.Find that BUTTON and squeeze it till he can't take it.Or are you afraid?Sister,change your wardrobe,do new hair,find a new hobby that takes you out of the house,find a new game on your phone,pay attention to that phone like your life depends on it.While you're at it,have se x with him 1 week straight,everyday like you are possessed. .After each shagging session,warn him to stop chAtting with those chicks.He will sit up.( my point is do something out of character).

I don't know about you,but I have purposed that no man will give me unnecessary wrinkles,high bp or send me to an early grave.I'd rather send you off there first.Children are so in tune with Mommys mood.So they'll know you as a miserable cat?always moody? No way oo. It's good to love oo but when the love becomes wicked,self preservation should kick in.
All these I'd do if it's my husband.If you cannot follow through with the hard method,you know the usual..watch and prayyyy.
Me,I believe in action!

Do not let anyone keep you in misery!

NB..Please make sure you always get tested..just to be sure.I just don't know why sometimes it's the people we love that hurt us so deeply?

Sweetie pie. So sorry for quoting a whole of these. When I replied you the last one. I never saw these. I kept on laughing. Because I have done some of the things you have suggested. I have actually chatted with my female friends and deleted. My dear all hell was let loose. Why must you delete it. What are you deleting it? He can't stand it o. He will say you are contesting manhood with him. That a man and a woman aren't equal. So literally what he is saying is that you can't do the things he does cos you are a woman. He has the right to call and delete cos he is a man and you can't cos you are a woman. Because I have really asked him severally that if I were to be the one doing what he is doing. Will he take it? His answer will be that you don't know you are a woman.

Like you say, when he complains I simply reply that I am learning from the master. After all, I am a good follower na. But most times I don't really enjoy pay back, but sometimes I like it when I have been on my phone all evening. And you drop your phone only to see him scrambling to read all your chats. And if he is sure you have deleted. You get to be asked who were you chatting with that you have cleared it now. Don't forget that 4 years long the line. He will be always make references to the chat you cleared. To show you that he was greatly pained. Yet stop doing to me na. Mbanu.

goodheart4God:

Sweetie pie. So sorry for quoting a whole of these. When I replied you the last one. I never saw these. I kept on laughing. Because I have done some of the things you have suggested. I have actually chatted with my female friends and deleted. My dear all hell was let loose. Why must you delete it. What are you deleting it? He can't stand it o. He will say you are contesting manhood with him. That a man and a woman aren't equal. So literally what he is saying is that you can't do the things he does cos you are a woman. He has the right to call and delete cos he is a man and you can't cos you are a woman. Because I have really asked him severally that if I were to be the one doing what he is doing. Will he take it? His answer will be that you don't know you are a woman.
Like you say, when he complains I simply reply that I am learning from the master. After all, I am a good follower na. But most times I don't really enjoy pay back, but sometimes I like it when I have been on my phone all evening. And you drop your phone only to see him scrambling to read all your chats. And if he is sure you have deleted. You get to be asked who were you chatting with that you have cleared it now. Don't forget that 4 years long the line. He will be always make references to the chat you cleared. To show you that he was greatly pained. Yet stop doing to me na. Mbanu.

Haaaaaa!! You tried red eye approach and it didn't work?
Nawa ya OOO,your hubby na strong man!
I hope someone comes up with something you haven't tried before cos this one don pass me
Sorry dear,I'm happy you can even smile in the midst of all these.

goodheart4God:

Sweetie pie. So sorry for quoting a whole of these. When I replied you the last one. I never saw these. I kept on laughing. Because I have done some of the things you have suggested. I have actually chatted with my female friends and deleted. My dear all hell was let loose. Why must you delete it. What are you deleting it? He can't stand it o. He will say you are contesting manhood with him. That a man and a woman aren't equal. So literally what he is saying is that you can't do the things he does cos you are a woman. He has the right to call and delete cos he is a man and you can't cos you are a woman. Because I have really asked him severally that if I were to be the one doing what he is doing. Will he take it? His answer will be that you don't know you are a woman.

Like you say, when he complains I simply reply that I am learning from the master. After all, I am a good follower na. But most times I don't really enjoy pay back, but sometimes I like it when I have been on my phone all evening. And you drop your phone only to see him scrambling to read all your chats. And if he is sure you have deleted. You get to be asked who were you chatting with that you have cleared it now. Don't forget that 4 years long the line. He will be always make references to the chat you cleared. To show you that he was greatly pained. Yet stop doing to me na. Mbanu.

@bolded; Now, that is one mentality I can not stand. So, somethings are wrong when a woman does them, but are not when it's a man ekwa?

And by the way, how come it's mostly women he helps? Are there not guys/men that need emotional, psychological and financial support? Abeg, truth be told, this one pass "kindness".

Unfortunately, I no get better advice. The small one wey I get fit break home. So follow CC's advice. E go hard for me to follow sha