Good day Nairalanders,

I have a young friend who got pregnant and gave birth to a healthy daughter as a teen( 2 years ago-she is now 21)and today she is practically begging the guy not to leave her cos people have told her that no other man will marry her. She feels it is her duty to keep him or remain single for a long time. She happens to be a very intelligent person but this has really damaged her self confidence. I have tried to tell her to move on with her life and take care of her baby while she gets admission but she still thinks she needs get the guy to keep her so than while she pursues her education she will not become an "outcast".

My question is- am i right to tell her that her chances of getting married to another man are not damaged? Guys can you marry a single mother? will you even consider dating one? Single mothers how did you survive after the birth of your child? Was it difficult getting another partner other than the father of your baby? Was dating difficult to come by? I need very honest and humane responses as this may affect someone's future.

Thanks

Am currently dating one ryt now and planning of getting married soon.

kelvin1191: Am currently dating one ryt now and planning of getting married soon.

May God bless ur union


Seriously, if a single mum don't get attention and serious guys then she shld check herself and me of these our men sef, bt we ladies can go for single dad abi
Smh

dytbabe:

May God bless ur union


Seriously, if a single mum don't get attention and serious guys then she shld check herself and me of these our men sef, bt we ladies can go for single dad abi
Smh

Dyt babe, you are right. There is no written rule tat makes a single mother less desirable just like the single dad. Your personality will get you a partner whether you have a kid or not. If she takes care of herself and keeps her focus, men will still find her desirable.

She should just calm down and live her life.

The single mothers i know are all hot cakes to Men. Its all about the right attitude and positive mindset. I just went through a thread yesterday of a 23 year old lady in a bad marriage who is barely out of her husband's house yet she is already having suitors ready to replace the husband that Fast!! Since women are gullible, the lady in the Op's story took hook line and sinker what people have told her regarding being a single mother forgeting that its the opposite that usually happens. This life is no longer black and white and things/values/beliefs are changing on a fast pace. Let her emancipate herself from 'Mental Scare-tactic slavery' in order to gain happiness. She should be positive and positive things will happen to her. She is still young and will attract men. Its just a matter of time.

My relative is a single mum of two and she recently got married to a never married young man. I personally will have no business with a single dad.

Very funny!
Most women TURN SINGLE PARENTS AFTER MARRIAGE O. . . .
Na marriage make dem single parents!
Irony of life!!!
MUCHECHECHECHECHECHE

The other 10% are single parents in POLYGAMOUS HOMES!
Go figure!
KPA GAAAA!!!!

Sooooooooooooo. . . .na which category be the REAL 'SINGLE PARENTS'. . . .?

Some married men have never even set eyes on their children. . . even from birth!
Ask ABIOLA. . . R.I.P.!!!!

Kanwulia: Very funny!
Most women TURN SINGLE PARENTS AFTER MARRIAGE O. . . .
Na marriage make dem single parents!
Irony of life!!!
MUCHECHECHECHECHECHE

The other 10% are single parents in POLYGAMOUS HOMES!
Go figure!
KPA GAAAA!!!!

Sooooooooooooo. . . .na which category be the REAL 'SINGLE PARENTS'. . . .?

Some married men have never even set eyes on their children. . . even from birth!
Ask ABIOLA. . . R.I.P.!!!!

You are absolutely right. Lots of married women are single mothers in the real sense. With more and more women becoming breadwinners without any support from their husbands. They are practically both mothers and fathers to their kids. Same with women married to polygamous men. Most of the men dnt know all their children by names sef. The only difference is the physical presence of the fathers which really does nothing to the wellbeing of the children.

Me think we are wiser thesedays. Virginity is not even a bet to a sucessful marriage. There are more serious issues to consider and havin a child ouside wedlock might probably b d least for some.(Although am nt a victim)

@op I tink ur friend is still very young @21 don't tink she has seen life nd all its twist and turns. Pls advice her to further her education nd it should b her priority and any other goal she would set for herself.

Every other thing will fall into place as time goes on.

baron2000: My question is- am i right to tell her that her chances of getting married to another man are not damaged?

No, you are not right to tell her that, as for many men, the presence of a child/children is a no-no and disqualifies one as a potential spouse. And all things being equal, most men would prefer to marry women without children. FACT.

The good news is that if she - as an individual - has the character and deportment of a wife, she still has all to play for, especially given her age.

baron2000: Guys can you marry a single mother? will you even consider dating one?

Nope, I couldn't and I didn't. Same goes for most men and even for those that don't mind, it's rarely a preference ATBE.

And when I advise men, I caution that, single mothers are best avoided.

Sophyrocks: The single mothers i know are all hot cakes to Men

Sophy, Sophy, Sophy, what planet do you live on . Hot cakes ko, stale bread ni. Hot "to wife" them? Please stop. At best it begs questions about the single moms you know - perhaps they are millionaires to boot - or the men that find them hot.

Having had a child from a previous relationship does not make women more attractive or desirable to men. For the vast majority of men it's a turn-off. Yes, there are some who may overlook it, a tiny few who can see beyond it and a statistically insignificant number who may be actually seeking it, but it's mostly a big turn-off for "wifing". COLD HARD FACT!


TV

^{**however, it presents no such problem for men . Life is so unfair**}

Sophyrocks:

You are absolutely right. Lots of married women are single mothers in the real sense. With more and more women becoming breadwinners without any support from their husbands. They are practically both mothers and fathers to their kids. Same with women married to polygamous men. Most of the men dnt know all their children by names sef. The only difference is the physical presence of the fathers which really does nothing to the wellbeing of the children.

Exactly!
The terms 'single mother' can be extremely misleading.
Can we call couples that are not married SINGLE PARENTS even when they participate FULLY in the lives of their children?
Even more than the so-called married ones?

I taya o!!!

There is really no reason for the lady to be tied to the lace on the baby daddy's shoes. First, she needs to get a life and then put her foot in the door of any oppourtunity that knocks.

TV01:
No, you are not right to tell her that, as for many men, the presence of a child/children is a no-no and disqualifies one as a potential spouse. And all things being equal, most men would prefer to marry women wothout children. FACT.

The good news is that if she - as an individual - has the character and deportment of a wife, she still has all to play for, especially given her age.


Nope, I couldn't and I didn't. Same goes for most men and even for those that don't mind, it's rarely a preference ATBE.

And when I advise men, I caution that, single mothers are best avoided.


Sophy, Sophy, Sophy, what planet do you live on . Hot cakes ko, stale bread ni. Hot "to wife" them? Please stop. At best it begs questions about the single moms - perhaps they are millionaires to boot - or the men that find them hot.

Having had a child froma previous relationship does not make women you more attractive or desirable to men. For the vast majority of men it's a turn-off, there are some who may overlook it, a tiny few who can see beyond it and a statistically insignificant number who may be actually seeking it. COLD HARD FACT!


TV

^{**however, it presents no such problem for men . Lif is so unfair**}

Mr Television, welcome o! Whether you wanna deny it or not, it doesnt stop these women from marrying o. You have never seen or you hardly see but i have seen lots of them in this same planet earth. Or dnt you see some women marrying twice when some single ladies have not seen one to call their husbands? Are those women from other planets? Abeg o. Feign all the ignorance you want. No time to argue with you. Its not debatable. Argueing over it won't stop them from marrying. Hardly will you see a woman remaining single till death except in western countries.

baron2000: Good day Nairalanders,

I have a young friend who got pregnant and gave birth to a healthy daughter as a teen( 2 years ago-she is now 21)and today she is practically begging the guy not to leave her cos people have told her that no other man will marry her. She feels it is her duty to keep him or remain single for a long time. She happens to be a very intelligent person but this has really damaged her self confidence. I have tried to tell her to move on with her life and take care of her baby while she gets admission but she still thinks she needs get the guy to keep her so than while she pursues her education she will not become an "outcast".

My question is- am i right to tell her that her chances of getting married to another man are not damaged? Guys can you marry a single mother? will you even consider dating one? Single mothers how did you survive after the birth of your child? Was it difficult getting another partner other than the father of your baby? Was dating difficult to come by? I need very honest and humane responses as this may affect someone's future.

Thanks

She cannot be a single parent IF THE FATHER OF THAT LITTLE GIRL PARTICIPATES IN HER UPKEEP!
She may have custody of the little girl. . . BUT SHE IS NOT A SINGLE PARENT!

As for the 'marriage part'. . . .
If I already had a child out of wedlock. . . GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER MAN TO WOULD BE OUT OF THE QUESTION.
My daughter would be my only priority!
Not every woman is 'partner-hungry' to fulfill societal or religious obligations.
If the child is grown. . . that would be a possibility.
I would date but NEVER GET MARRIED!!!
I could NEVER SLEEP WITH ANOTHER MAN UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS THAT MY DAUGHTER. . . .EVEN WITH ONE EYE CLOSED!!!
Will not be interested in complicating my life by having children with MULTIPLE SURNAMES!
Not my style of scattering poohsie hiarrandia!!!
THAT INCLUDES WIDOWHOOD!

Anyway. . .

OVER TO THOSE IN THIS CATEGORY.

Kanwulia:

Exactly!
The terms 'single mother' can be extremely misleading.
Can we call couples that are not married SINGLE PARENTS even when they participate FULLY in the lives of their children?
Even more than the so-called married ones?

I taya o!!!

True Talk.

Sophyrocks: Mr Television, welcome o! Whether you wanna deny it or not, it doesnt stop these women from marrying o. You have never seen or you hardly see but i have seen lots of them in this same planet earth. Or dnt you see some women marrying twice when some single ladies have not seen one to call their husbands? Are those women from other planets? Abeg o. Feign all the ignorance you want. No time to argue with you. Its not debatable. Argueing over it won't stop them from marrying. Hardly will you see a woman remaining single till death except in western countries.

Unfortunately Sophy, you are the one in denial here. You also fail to demonstrate a grasp of detail.

Sure a lot of "single-mums" eventually marry, but there is "marriage" and there is "marriage".

For the higher status male, SM' will always be down the pecking order of preference. A SM diminishes her chances of making the best match, as well as her chances of making any match.

Women typically marry-up. SM' are usually forced to marry down - if at all!


TV

^{**and in Western contries there are women who remain single and childless till death, usually by choice. There are also many who remain single mums - by force - or are reduced to being baby-mamas to multiple men. Being a SM does not enhance ones marriage prospects, stop decieving the impressionable.**}

All she needs is to build her career, and make herself a material men needs, I dnt think having a child outside wedlock is d end life....

baron2000


The first priority of the lady should be take care of herself and ensure she has an education so she can get a job or a source of income

He may still come round but she has to mentally preapre for a long fallow period or alone time if he does not

On getting another man...its not an impossibility but she should get that out of her mind

Few single guys will settle with a single mother (her financial considerations will be a factor as few guys want to fend for another mans child)

Most who come around will give sweet words just to get into her pants

Another source of husbands: will be divorcees, widowers which also will be related to her style and comportment

Let her focus on education and income for now

PS Some have been lucky and they married the father of their kids... fingers crossed

TV01:
Unfortunately Sophy, you are the one in denial here. You also fail to demonstrate a grasp of detail.

Sure a lot of "single-mums" eventually marry, but there is "marriage" and there is "marriage".

For the higher status male, SM' will always be down the pecking order of preference. A SM diminishes her chances of making the best match, as well as her chances of making any match.

Women typically marry-up. SM' are usually forced to marry down - if at all!


TV

^{**and in Western contries there are women who remain single and childless till death, usually by choice. There are also many who remain single mums - by force - or are reduced to being baby-mamas to multiple men. Being a SM does not enhance ones marriage prospects, stop decieving the impressionable.**}

I am not in denial here. You say they are usually not desired if there are single ladies since their chances of been desirable are reduced. Desired or Not, does it stop them from marrying? As long as the rate of irresponsibility amongst men will continue to soar, we will continue to have single mothers!! At the end of the day after all said and done, THEY STILL MARRY. So Mr television, No need for debate.

And yes, women who never marry exist more in western countries.

Sophyrocks:

I am not in denial here. You say they are usually not desired if there are single ladies since their chances of been desirable are reduced. Desired or Not, does it stop them from marrying? As long as the rate of irresponsibility amongst men will continue to soar, we will continue to have single mothers!! At the end of the day after all said and done, THEY STILL MARRY. So Mr television, No need for debate.

And yes, women who never marry exist more in western countries.

I haff heard.
You still miss the point.

Please answer this question; Does having children out of wedlock enhance a womans chances of marrying or help her atttract higher status partners?

You were right "no need for debate"


TV

TV01:
I haff heard.
You still miss the point.

Please answer this question; Does having children out of wedlock enhance a womans chances of marrying or help her atttract higher status partners?

You were right "no need for debate"


TV

It does not enhance chances. I never said it does. I only said it doesnt stop them from getting suitors for marriage. As for higher status partners, i dnt know what you mean by that. Is it financial/social status? Explain.

OP pls advice her to stop begging the guy.
If she does and he marries her out of pressure or pity,she's setting herself up for emotional abuse as the guy will always find ways to rub it in that she's not his first choice in a life partner.

She can get married to someone else. The possiblity is high. Very high too. Especially if she's beautiful and has all it takes to make a good wife and mother.

why is she fixated on marriage anyway?
According to you she's still to get admission(or am I wrong?)
Misplaced priorities if you ask me.

People can smell desperation from miles away. if she keeps wearing the 'pls marry me' badge on her forehead,she's just going to be on a permanent roller coaster of failed relationships.
she'll keep getting used and dumped and preyed on.

She is just 21,why is she in a haste to tie down someone who isn't intrested.

If she eventually marries him,she wld wish she remained single.I advise she just focus on her life and her child.

Sophyrocks: It does not enhance chances. I never said it does.

Do chances remain exactly the same? Or do chances decrease?

Sophyrocks: I only said it doesnt stop them from getting suitors for marriage.

And no one said chances reduced to "zero" did they?

Sophyrocks: As for higher status partners, i dnt know what you mean by that. Is it financial/social status? Explain.

Sophy, I'm the most romantic bloke in the world, but the truth is, a certain amount of pragmatism is required for marriage. In some ways it's a market and one needs to have bargaining power, a great sense of what's on offer and a decent pricing mechanism.

Consciously or sub-consciously, we all have desires and expectations in our choice of spouse. An understanding of what we are worth, what is available and what we should expect. Even those who think their approach is purely romantic, base who they "fall in love with" to some degree
on that aggregate notion of "value".

Why do degree holders baulk at marrying those without tertiary education? So yes, in some ways it's financial, in some social, but it's all the things that make up the "calibre" of a person, including but not limited to character, education, looks, age, pedigree etc.

As an individual, there is no reason why this lady can't marry and marry well. But if she had a twin without a child out of wedlock, I'd rate her twins chances in both regards as that much better.

I think the "aunties" on this section should be counselling the young ladies to maximise their chances of marrying as best possible. Cheerleading them in their folly is wrong on so many levels. Not to mention that you make it sound as if having "suitors" or simply "getting married" is success, as opposed to the quality/status of suitors or husbands.


TV

No, I can't marry a single mother. Of course,I have dated a single mother before.

TV01:
Do chances remain exactly the same? Or do chances decrease?


And no one said chances reduced to "zero" did they?


Sophy, I'm the most romantic bloke in the world, but the truth is, a certain amount of pragmatism is required for marriage. In some ways it's a market and one needs to have bargaining power, a great sense of what's on offer and a decent pricing mechanism.

Consciously or sub-consciously, we all have desires and expectations in our choice of spouse. An understanding of what we are worth, what is available and what we should expect. Even those who think their approach is purely romantic, base who they "fall in love with" to some degree
on that aggregate notion of "value".

Why do degree holders baulk at marrying those without tertiary education? So yes, in some ways it's financial, in some social, but it's all the things that make up the "calibre" of a person, including but not limited to education, looks, age, pedigree etc.

As an individual, there is no reason why this lady can't marry and marry well. But if she had a twin without a child out of wedlock, I rate her twins chances in both regards as that much better.

I think the "aunties" on this section should be counselling the young ladies to maximise their chances of marrying as best possible. Cheerleading them in their folly is wrong on so many levels. Not to mention that you make it sound as if having "suitors" or simply "getting married" is success, as opposed to the quality/status of suitors or husbands.


TV

Whether we wanna preach from now till tomorrow to reduce the emergence of single mothers, things will continue to remain the same. Mr Television, these are things we have no control over as long as we are just mere humans who have no power or no say in the lives of others nor do we have manipulative/supernatural powers to control the minds of people. Some ladies did not turn out this way by choice as evident with the lady in the O.p and in a thread i went through yesterday. Sh1t happens. Thats life. We are not encouraging it BUT still we cannot avoid the fact that it is inevitable as long as we are dealing with HUMANS WHO MAKE MISTAKES. Nobody is an angel. Not even you who is judging. Ladies will continue to make poor choices and men who are not ready for commitment or responsibilities will continue to run away. Deeds have been done and there are still single mums. The fact that a lady is a single mum does not mean we should do the work of God almighty and curse their lives perhaps because they made poor choices and proclaim that they will not get married as a form of punishment. Come On!! Halleluyah!!! We aint God. THEY WILL STILL MARRY. Nobody will die single.

Not every man uses the single mum factor as a measure of the worth of a woman. All men are not the same. Different men with different beliefs/values/understanding/exposure. What you use as a measure can never be the same with the next man near you. This is why your opinion on this matter is strictly your opinion. You would be very surprised at what some men use to measure the worth of a woman. Wherever a man finds happiness, that is where he will go. This is why Single mums still get married regardless of the stigma society attaches to it.

Sophyrocks:

This is why Single mums still get married regardless of the stigma society attaches to it.

How many single mums do you know and how of them are married

pickabeau1:

How many single mums do you know and how of them are married

Too many to be counted.

Sophyrocks:

Too many to be counted.

Just give an idea..a range..100,500, etc

Single moms are complaining on the Frontpage that those who consider them dont want to take their child along yet you say there are many of them marrying https://www.nairaland.com/1821941/thread-single-mothers-fathers

ok

pickabeau1: How many single mums do you know and how of them are married

Leave them 0!

How many singles are there out there sef? Forget single mums. Getting more desperate by the minute. Searching high and low and lamenting all over the place. Flocking to and filling out churches.

Instead of them to wise up and tell each other the truth about the outcomes of their "poor choices" and consequences of their bad actions, and make real structural changes to their thinking and actions, they are here cheerleading each other to misery. Their own worst enemies indeed.


TV