Even if u study relationship as a course in school,u may not still be able to handle it, dats how deep it is .. Both parties just ave to adjust to something, u tolerate some , avoid some , even have to let go some of d things u love doing just because ur partner doesn't like them .. If ur partner is the type dat doesn't let go a of anything just to make u happy, u don't have a relationship, just quit.. #FACT 101#

.

Don't go into a marriage hoping to change your partner, you could fail at it and not only that, your partner may change you in the end.

Bottom line, don't gamble with you life and soul because thats what you put on the line in a marriage.

If you don't like his/her behavior let him/her be, if you're already married try your best improve partner with love.

There's enough gory stories on the news today to make one wise

And if u ar that kind of person that can keep two days malice with ur partner or you just don't to how to forgive, forget and move on dnt bother urself going into relationship with any human being cus there's not any perfect human out there ...

I think I have stumbled into another dimension where majority of the people on a thread on nairaland are mostly speaking what I deem to be sense and not bickering!
What is this, a dream? ( wake up shaybebaby).
It's not a dream. Could it be because it's Sunday and those incapable of reasoning on their own are otherwise occupied in their places of worship?
Does this mean that religion fosters dissent? This is too much for me, I'm going back to bed!
Lovely thread!

So true. Lifestyles, behaviours, habits, good or bad, CAN BE CHANGED.

relationship is a different ball game entirely and understood by different ways from different people.

youngice: I think when we say 'love me as i am' we refer to the naturl shortcomings not the 'acquired'.
A drug addict cant come and tell me to love her as she is, but if its a blind person , something that happened without preordinance of course i will love you the way you are

Rightful meaning!

God bless you @OP, I have been trying all my life to make people understand this fact. Love isn't love until there is change...

andromida:

Sometimes people are not ready for the change so all your efforts to motivate them will lead to constant friction. Everyone grows at their own pace and some people will not grow since you cannot force things you either accept them as they are or you walk away.

In all things its always better to be the change you want to see.

You sound a little biased here. Look, when you try to change someone, you have to do it naturally. You have to be skillful. Know what he or she likes because tantamount to forcefully change someone can lead to adverse reactions.

I still want to be loved as I'm

dhardline: Since today is sunday i'll like to look at this issue from a christlike point of view.If you want people to love you just the way you are you should remember that the bible says that 'all have sinned' and christ came to redeem us hence this redemption will have to make us better people in character,words and thoughts.So a person who truly loves you will definitely want you to be a better person and hence try to change you to be a better person.p.s. If u want to remain the way you are then you actually are saying that Christ didnt die for you.

This is very deep... Good word.

youngice: I think when we say 'love me as i am' we refer to the naturl shortcomings not the 'acquired'.
A drug addict cant come and tell me to love her as she is, but if its a blind person , something that happened without preordinance of course i will love you the way you are

Well said but I beg to differ. I think most people realize that the unchangeable things like height, disability and maybe even weight etc can not be changed and have agreed to be with you despite it. However there are certain habits people have that are a personal choice, like being womanizers or shabby dressers for men or skimpy dressers for example in women that these people cannot be bothered about and don't want you to nag them about and so use the 'love me as i am' tool.

Booking a seat for a friend. Ran off from the thread like say i dey mad, cos Terry G say 'U can only run pass terry when u run mad'.

my humble take is that, anyone who is not ready to change, is not ready to have a lasting relationship. we all need to change to get what we desire, be the change you desire to see in your partner

smurfy:


Well said.

Thanks bro

shaybebaby: I think I have stumbled into another dimension where majority of the people on a thread on nairaland are mostly speaking what I deem to be sense and not bickering!
What is this, a dream? ( wake up shaybebaby).
It's not a dream. Could it be because it's Sunday and those incapable of reasoning on their own are otherwise occupied in their places of worship?
Does this mean that religion fosters dissent? This is too much for me, I'm going back to bed!
Lovely thread!

your comment is laced with insult. I can see through it

there is nothing like love me as i am , that way you are , if they other party is not interested , she or he would not have to change her perception ,,, she or he has to look for another person that suits him or her ....

mcdokwe: Often times, we do meet people and fall in love with them despite their many shortcomings. Unfortunately, most books and articles we read these days tell us not to try to change people we are in a relationship with. This has however become the undoing of many unhappy relationships and marriages today, as people don't want to be CHANGED.
The fact is that someone can get committed to a terrible flirt, a drunkard, criminal, an abusive man, nagging woman and other shortcomings, but no one would want to have to cope with your vices for life.

I am of the honest belief that we get into people's life to impact them and bring about a positive behaviour in them even though that shouldn't be motivated by the desire to change the person. Such behaviour modification should come about with love and openness between both parties.

If you happen to have an undesirable character your partner is having a hard time coping with, make yourself amenable to change unless you want your partner to be unhappy thereby making yourself unhappy too. (Now that is a horrible decision to make) friendship should be fun and when it is not, it should be two people commonly dealing with a challenge and not people struggling to stay together.

Nice thread, change is a constant thing in life, change for the better means better things.

Arsenate: your comment is laced with insult. I can see through it

Actually it's not. I do mean it, I can see reason with posts so far and even when there is one which goes against what has been proposed, there so far hasn't been any mudslinging. I find that very curious considering what day of the week it is.

WOW BEEN AWAY FROM NL FORA LONG WYL...I WANA BE CHANGED BUT NT COMPLETLY

andromida:

Love is about acceptance. Yes you can inspire a person to change but rather than get with someone with plans to change him or her it is better to accept the person as is. If you cannot accept the person walk away.

. With due respect to u, how on earth will you accept a lady bleaching,cheating,drinking,smoking,dirty,nagging,etc in a relationship?

Yea well, we all have to adjust to let another person into our lives but we shouldn't lose ourselves in the process.

You love people for who they are,not what they are. For the human nature we have,this is difficult. What do most of us do?Well,we just meet people where they are and try to recreate them into our concepts of who we want them to be. Dangerous!

Love can inspire change and growth,but are we patient enough to allow this?

koredey: Even if u study relationship as a course in school,u may not still be able to handle it, dats how deep it is .. Both parties just ave to adjust to something, u tolerate some , avoid some , even have to let go some of d things u love doing just because ur partner doesn't like them .. If ur partner is the type dat doesn't let go a of anything just to make u happy, u don't have a relationship, just quit.. #FACT 101#

thumbs up, am impressed with ur tinkin

@op this whole topic is a complex one and no one can actually say the correct thing( non has done anyway). There is always a two side to every issue but this has three. you are right and wrong in some ways....d key to any great relationship is knowing wat you want n going for it....then understanding and compatibility will keep it going

OP i just have to commend u. That statement, i find it so selfish and shortsighted. Especially spoilt kids whose parents spared d rod. I'll definitely pass on suc people. kudos bro!

andromida:

Love is about acceptance. Yes you can inspire a person to change but rather than get with someone with plans to change him or her it is better to accept the person as is. If you cannot accept the person walk away.

yeah ,,,,you are very right.until i watched the american movie ''why did i get married''......then i knew what marriage was all about.

It is just about acceptance......accepting people the way they are and making up your mind to live with their shortcomings till death do you part.

I really don't think we should complain of constant imperfection as we humans aint born to be good in all ramifications.

You possibly can't date a partner with a terrible trait and you'd wanna settle down with such a partner with little or no change. When necessary and being for a justified course,its no biggy.

If only in the long run,it reshapes and redefines the life of the person or character in question.

mcdokwe: Often times, we do meet people and fall in love with them despite their many shortcomings. Unfortunately, most books and articles we read these days tell us not to try to change people we are in a relationship with. This has however become the undoing of many unhappy relationships and marriages today, as people don't want to be CHANGED.
The fact is that someone can get committed to a terrible flirt, a drunkard, criminal, an abusive man, nagging woman and other shortcomings, but no one would want to have to cope with your vices for life.

I am of the honest belief that we get into people's life to impact them and bring about a positive behaviour in them even though that shouldn't be motivated by the desire to change the person. Such behaviour modification should come about with love and openness between both parties.

If you happen to have an undesirable character your partner is having a hard time coping with, make yourself amenable to change unless you want your partner to be unhappy thereby making yourself unhappy too. (Now that is a horrible decision to make) friendship should be fun and when it is not, it should be two people commonly dealing with a challenge and not people struggling to stay together.

so what is the point now? i mean the aim of writing this article?

Change is the only thing that is constant. If one is open for positive change,he/she will have a better life than one who is stagnant. A partner can be an agent that inspires change but the other must be willing to change. If not,it will cause further problems.You can take a horse to the river but cannot force it to drink water.

Oxone: If you cant influence anyone you're with positively and push them to be better, then you must be doing something wrong but you have to be realistic in your expectations and the way you go about effecting that change. Key thing here should be communication

I disagree sir. You may not be able to change the person at all, and it does NOT mean you must be doing something wrong.
The title of this thread is all wrong sef..shoulda read: "I can change him/her; greatest undoing in relationships."

People resist change especially when it comes to character flaws...and to take it upon yourself as a task is just setting yourself up for real disappointment. You be Holy Spirit? The best you can do is to encourage.
Yeah, you may be able to influence someone to make changes, but when u look at it; people change primarily because they love the person too much to want to lose him/her...and even that rarely happens. This is a full-grown adult. At the end of the day, the person demands that you love him/her just the way they are!

We feel "oh, I can change him, I can change her" and at the end of the day you make both yourself and the other person perfectly miserable beacuse YOU have all these expectations/ demands of change, whilst THEY are crying out that you love them unconditionally.

I'm not saying people shouldn't change or try to improve on character flaws...just don't take it on yourself to be the enforcer. Its pure misery..especially in a marriage.

Bottom line: if you cannot accept a person for who they are, warts and all, (cos no one is perfect), then don't bother.