please note its women who come up with that love me as i am,and don't change me but from the day they visit your house they have started changing everything,i think the problem in the family system visa-vise the relationship is that the gay movement have found a way to make the feminine gender into a problem unto themselves,thus making the life of the men a leaving hell by so doing,they come up with the story men are cheaters and dogs,the funny part is the lesbians cheat even more,then they tell the guys relationship is all about fighting,the truth is that gay and lesbians have the most violent relationships in this world.that why i say this is a sickness that is treating to end the human race

mcdokwe: Often times, we do meet people and fall in love with them despite their many shortcomings. Unfortunately, most books and articles we read these days tell us not to try to change people we are in a relationship with. This has however become the undoing of many unhappy relationships and marriages today, as people don't want to be CHANGED.
The fact is that someone can get committed to a terrible flirt, a drunkard, criminal, an abusive man, nagging woman and other shortcomings, but no one would want to have to cope with your vices for life.

I am of the honest belief that we get into people's life to impact them and bring about a positive behaviour in them even though that shouldn't be motivated by the desire to change the person. Such behaviour modification should come about with love and openness between both parties.

If you happen to have an undesirable character your partner is having a hard time coping with, make yourself amenable to change unless you want your partner to be unhappy thereby making yourself unhappy too. (Now that is a horrible decision to make) friendship should be fun and when it is not, it should be two people commonly dealing with a challenge and not people struggling to stay together.

superior1: A statement common with people with terrible character

120% true.

Well, I'd say it depends. One man's meat is another man's poison.

I guess, the best anyone can do for his or her partner in any relationship is to improve on his or her character shortfall.

Amhappy: Change is the only thing that is constant. If one is open for positive change,he/she will have a better life than one who is stagnant. A partner can be an agent that inspires change but the other must be willing to change. If not,it will cause further problems.You can take a horse to the river but cannot force it to drink water.

receive ur blessings on this blessed sunday. "A partner can be an agent that inspires change but the other must be willing to change."

anything not backed by science is poo.....different stroke different folks.....If you still can't get an equation that can lead to behavioural change, then all your assertions are subjective

There are serious flaws such as lying or having double standards, that we need to change for us to be better . However, if you discover that a friend has a different personality say being quiet in the midst of others, as long as you can put up with it, then love them as they are. It would be wrong to change them to loquacious beings just because u love being social. But annoyingly, some will pretend that they like u for ur character and later use it against u.

joomiegirl:

I disagree sir. You may not be able to change the person at all, and it does NOT mean you must be doing something wrong.
The title of this thread is all wrong sef..shoulda read: "I can change him/her; greatest undoing in relationships."

People resist change especially when it comes to character flaws...and to take it upon yourself as a task is just setting yourself up for real disappointment. You be Holy Spirit? The best you can do is to encourage.
Yeah, you may be able to influence someone to make changes, but when u look at it; people change primarily because they love the person too much to want to lose him/her...and even that rarely happens. This is a full-grown adult. At the end of the day, the person demands that you love him/her just the way they are!

We feel "oh, I can change him, I can change her" and at the end of the day you make both yourself and the other person perfectly miserable because YOU have all these expectations/ demands of change, whilst THEY are crying out that you love them unconditionally.

I'm not saying people shouldn't change or try to improve on character flaws...just don't take it on yourself to be the enforcer. Its pure misery..especially in a marriage.

Bottom line: if you cannot accept a person for who they are, warts and all, (cos no one is perfect), then don't bother.

Madam, Notice i didn't use the word change in my post and that's deliberate because for me change is too drastic a word cos it connotes a 180 degree change in character which is near impossible.

Contrary to your post, people don't resist change like you claim because everyone wants to be better and do better (Don't know about you but i know i strive to be better everyday) but the problem here is approach. We all know our flaws and shortcomings and we don't want anyone reminding us about them, rubbing it on our faces, forcing change on us or being overly condescending about it. That's where the resistance come in. Most times all people need to be better is loving the believe/encouragement of their loved ones and a genuine chance. That's where the friends, family and spouse comes in.

The problem is some people don't have realistic expectations and want to completely format/Change a person which is near impossible. Any reasonable person should know that when choosing a spouse, they must carefully weigh the person's character and trait and decide what's important to them and whats not. This is assuming everyone is being honest about who they really are from the get go

Bottom line is people should know exactly what they want and not let emotions cloud their reasoning. Its always best to go for someone who has 60 -70 % of what you want in spouse and then try to help them improve on the 30% than end up with the opposite believing you can completely change them. That my friend is wishful thinking

standd: @Jovie
what I mean is, I can not Love a thief, so if I find out that my bf is a thief, I had leave him immediately if he refuses to change. There's no compromise here. Regardless of Love or whatever.

of course, i agree with you

andromida:

Love is about acceptance. Yes you can inspire a person to change but rather than get with someone with plans to change him or her it is better to accept the person as is. If you cannot accept the person walk away.

Lobatan!

And do the walking away before saying i do.

This is true in the sense that you shouldn't expect people to change their ways. Always assume they'll stay the same, and either stay or leave based on your own principles.

Think with your head.

Oxone:

Madam, Notice i didn't use the word change in my post and that's deliberate because for me change is too drastic a word cos it connotes a 180 degree change in character which is near impossible.

Contrary to your post, people don't resist change like you claim because everyone wants to be better and do better (Don't know about you but i know i strive to be better everyday) but the problem here is approach. We all know our flaws and shortcomings and we don't want anyone reminding us about them, rubbing it on our faces, forcing change on us or being overly condescending about it. That's where the resistance come in. Most times all people need to be better is loving the believe/encouragement of their loved ones and a genuine chance. That's where the friends, family and spouse comes in.

The problem is some people don't have realistic expectations and want to completely format/Change a person which is near impossible. Any reasonable person should know that when choosing a spouse, they must carefully weigh the person's character and trait and decide what's important to them and whats not. This is assuming everyone is being honest about who they really are from the get go

Bottom line is people should know exactly what they want and not let emotions cloud their reasoning. Its always best to go for someone who has 60 -70 % of what you want in spouse and then try to help them improve on the 30% than end up with the opposite believing you can completely change them. That my friend is wishful thinking

Oga, no offense...I get you, but maybe you did not comprehend my post fully.
Where i disagreed was what you said and I quote: "if you cant influence anyone you're with positively and push them to be better, then you must be doing something wrong." That's what I disagree with-wholeheartedly.

Sometimes no matter how much you try, push, and how much wisdom you apply, if the person doesn't want to change or sees it as too much of an effort, he won't! End of.
And nowhere did I advocate that people should not change or try to improve themselves. Read the cut from my original post below:

joomiegirl:
I disagree sir. You may not be able to change the person at all, and it does NOT mean you must be doing something wrong.

I'm not saying people shouldn't change or try to improve on character flaws...just don't take it on yourself to be the enforcer. Its pure misery..especially in a marriage.

Bottom line: if you cannot accept a person for who they are, warts and all, (cos no one is perfect), then don't bother.

I like what you said in your recent post about deciding what is important to you, and what is not. Very key. I am tired of seeing fellow ladies date a man who has major issues they cannot stand, but whom they date anyways because they feel they can change him. They will change him. Delusional!

I say it again: you may influence someone to change, but there are no guarantees whatsoever.
if you cannot accept the person with his/her flaws, and love them anyway, why make the both of you miserable? Move on na. Find someone whose flaws don't bother you.

This Na mumu love theory. I must love a guy if I see say the guy has the quality I want. Especially if he can meet my needs

joomiegirl:

Oga, no offense...I get you, but maybe you did not comprehend my post fully.
Where i disagreed was what you said and I quote: "if you cant influence anyone you're with positively and push them to be better, then you must be doing something wrong." That's what I disagree with-wholeheartedly.

Sometimes no matter how much you try, push, and how much wisdom you apply, if the person doesn't want to change or sees it as too much of an effort, he won't! End of.

None taken
When i said push, i didn't mean that literally and come on there's got be something wrong somewhere for you not to effect/influence a positive change in his life no matter how small. Notice i also wrote that people should be realistic with their expectations

joomiegirl:

I like what you said in your recent post about deciding what is important to you, and what is not. Very key. I am tired of seeing fellow ladies date a man who has major issues they cannot stand, but whom they date anyways because they feel they can change him. They will change him. Delusional!

I'm with you on this one

joomiegirl:
I say it again: you may influence someone to change, but there are no guarantees whatsoever.
if you cannot accept the person with his/her flaws, and love them anyway, why make the both of you miserable? Move on na. Find someone whose flaws don't bother you.

GBAM!!!

Oya chop knuckle

Oxone:

None taken
When i said push, i didn't mean that literally and come on there's got be something wrong somewhere for you not to effect/influence a positive change in his life no matter how small. Notice i also wrote that people should be realistic with their expectations



I'm with you on this one



GBAM!!!

Oya chop knuckle

Oya take knucke..*bumps fist*

Joenice: You sound a little biased here. Look, when you try to change someone, you have to do it naturally. You have to be skillful. Know what he or she likes because tantamount to forcefully change someone can lead to adverse reactions.

Is it even possible to forcefully change anyone?

I simply believe in removing the log in my own eyes rather than the speck in another persons eye. It is easy to see someone else's character flaws and feel like snowwhite but on closer examination you'll realise that the only reason you are with someone you feel you have to change is because you want to play saviour, simply because you are avoiding parts your own self.

And the good thing about improving yourself is that you either inspire the person or outgrow the person.

Wow... This is the kind of thought-provoking topic that should be prevailing especially in FP.

OP I am seriously behind you on this. I have been an advocate for this over the years. Often times people get or paint a wrong picture about this, and thus so many of us live with the illusion that one shouldn't change you or you shouldn't change someone.

Like you rightly pointed out, this can seldom be achieved with a view to changing the person from whatever vices the person has to something better (I guess). But, if it's done with a view to ameliorating the entire well-being of the person as time progresses, then I think it should be noted as something that is worth doing and that everyone should embrace.

First and foremost, what is the idea for going into relationships and marriages? For me, the idea is, but not limited to being with someone who can complement you in almost all spheres. Even in marriages, need I remind someone that procreation is not the primary aim of marriage? That is why the Bible attested to the fact that, children are a gift and a blessing from the Lord. They are used to compliment the union called marriage. Now this is by the way. Back to the nitty-gritty.

I always advice that, albeit there is need to appreciate someone's virtues and to build upon it, while weighing the person's short-comings and making sure you can live with them for the rest of your life. Yet, it doesn't undermine the fact that relationships entails but not limited to making eachother better in every way possible. The idea is to make eachother better all and sundry. Now, how can we better or influence eachother’s lives without changing certain things about the person? The only level or state that doesn't need working upon is being the best. But it is agreed that no one except God is best or perfect as the case may be. Therefore, we as humans need to better ourselves in all ramifications. Even a good man needs to get better, let alone someone who is less of a good man.

Like the OP said, it shouldn't be done with the idea of changing the person. Having such notion or rather ideology means you don't appreciate the person for whom he/she is. It could also imply condemnation if one starts with an outright idea of changing the other. But then, taking someone for whom they are doesn’t give room to the fact that corrections shouldn’t be made. It should be done with the mindset of getting to better one another's lives. It could be in form of enhancing the person and making the person a better or more refined version. What good will it be if you are in a relationship and you can't influence eachother? Whether positively or negatively. And what does the influence bring forth? Did someone say change? Of course it’s change.

What would one say if they were dating an armed robber or let’s say a love peddler? The first idea shouldn’t be to condemn the person by wanting to “change” per se. The idea should be to help the person get over its flaws or short-comings as it were. With a more positive idea and view towards this, it would help to really go a long way in helping the person out. But then, whatever the case is; people are always resistant or adamant when it comes to helping them. There are people, especially girls (with all due to respect to all the ladies in the house) who find it difficult in accepting corrections. When you correct such people or give them an insight towards something and it happens to be contrary to their view and especially if it’s better than theirs, then there is problems.

The bottom line is; many people don’t want to be helped, don’t want to improve upon a particular sphere, don’t want to accept corrections, and don’t want to be told what or what not to do. And until people are humble and mature enough to understand that, life is a phenomenon where we are all leaners. If like the educationists says; the more we live the more learn. How then would that saying or quote be valid if people are not ready to embrace corrections and all of the aforementioned?

There is need for each and every one of us to ruminate on this deeply, and see where we are failing as regards the subject.

May God help us all.

This is the number one reason why we refuse to change: IRRESPONSIBILITY.
We do not want to be the change we need in other to perfect others. We talk of changing other people & yet we refuse to change ourselves.

andromida:

Is it even possible to forcefully change anyone?

I simply believe in removing the log in my own eyes rather than the speck in another persons eye. It is easy to see someone else's character flaws and feel like snowwhite but on closer examination you'll realise that the only reason you are with someone you feel you have to change is because you want to play saviour, simply because you are avoiding parts your own self.

And the good thing about improving yourself is that you either inspire the person or outgrow the person.

I think you're upset about my feedback. First of all, it's possible to forcefully change someone's behavior, but the drawback is it does not work perfectly well.

It's absolutely void to say that I want to play a role of savior without thinking my own problems. Look, love is not all about being superior or whatever with your partner. Love is all about changing someone to be a lot better. It's about being natural and honest, and not fake.

So, if you truly love somebody, then you must be ready to make some sacrifices through love. All in all, I'm not here to make you sound unhappy. Bad relationship can spell doom to someone's life.

Joenice: I think you're upset about my feedback. First of all, it's possible to forcefully change someone's behavior, but the drawback is it does not work perfectly well.

It's absolutely void to say that I want to play a role of savior without thinking my own problems. Look, love is not all about being superior or whatever with your partner. Love is all about changing someone to be a lot better. It's about being natural and honest, and not fake.

So, if you truly love somebody, then you must be ready to make some sacrifices through love. All in all, I'm not here to make you sound unhappy. Bad relationship can spell doom to someone's life.

Upset me? Make me unhappy? Nah.

Yes if you truly love someone there are sacrifices you should be willing to make for the love you profess. But I don't believe love is about changing someone, I believe love is about acceptance.

andromida:

Upset me? Make me unhappy? Nah.

Yes if you truly love someone there are sacrifices you should be willing to make for the love you profess. But I don't believe love is about changing someone, I believe love is about acceptance.

Hey, are you currently in love with somebody? Does he love you wholeheartedly?

Joenice: Hey, are you currently in love with somebody? Does he love you wholeheartedly?

mcdokwe: Often times, we do meet people and fall in love with them despite their many shortcomings. Unfortunately, most books and articles we read these days tell us not to try to change people we are in a relationship with. This has however become the undoing of many unhappy relationships and marriages today, as people don't want to be CHANGED.
The fact is that someone can get committed to a terrible flirt, a drunkard, criminal, an abusive man, nagging woman and other shortcomings, but no one would want to have to cope with your vices for life.

I am of the honest belief that we get into people's life to impact them and bring about a positive behaviour in them even though that shouldn't be motivated by the desire to change the person. Such behaviour modification should come about with love and openness between both parties.

If you happen to have an undesirable character your partner is having a hard time coping with, make yourself amenable to change unless you want your partner to be unhappy thereby making yourself unhappy too. (Now that is a horrible decision to make) friendship should be fun and when it is not, it should be two people commonly dealing with a challenge and not people struggling to stay together.

i guess most people are satisfied with d 'this is who i am' bandwagon,forgetting that admission of a fault or a habit is the first path but the second is to make a CHANGE..there lies the problem...most people admit their shortcomings and its negative effects but make no effort whatsoever to change it ....

freecocoa: Yea well, we all have to adjust to let another person into our lives but we shouldn't lose ourselves in the process.

Hi hun

chucky234: Hi hun

Hello boo boo, what's good?

freecocoa: Hello boo boo, what's good?

Missing you.

chucky234: Missing you.

I hear, why not stick to one woman and stop running here and there? Shey na you dey profess love to khiaa for the other thread, please leave me biko.

freecocoa: I hear, why not stick to one woman and stop running here and there? Shey na you dey profess love to khiaa for the other thread, please leave me biko.

Honey forgive me, leaving you was a mistake.

chucky234: Honey forgive me, leaving you was a mistake.

I didn't say I hold it against you, I just won't be a side chick so I've walked, have fun with her.

chucky234: Honey forgive me, leaving you was a mistake.

LMAO!

freecocoa: I hear, why not stick to one woman and stop running here and there? Shey na you dey profess love to khiaa for the other thread, please leave me biko.

This thread is super boring

freecocoa: I didn't say I hold it against you, I just won't be a side chick so I've walked, have fun with her.

How could I be so stupid
To let you slip away
I had you in my arms
But I let you slip away
I want you back
But now it's too late
I've already said goodbye
And now love had turned to hate
I want to go back in
time
And fix all that was
wrong
To try to win your trust
And make you love me like you used to
I was carried away by Khiaa's many lies
And they were all my
fault
I was so immature
I should have acted like an adult
I broke my own heart
When I walked out on
you
Now it's too late
And I can't undo my mistake
I still love you
And hope for a second chance
Because of what I
chose
It was a bad decision
And now I want you
here
Never far away
Always near
So please take me back
And catch me when I
fall
Cause I need you right
now
More than anything at
all
Please TAKE ME BACK