I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration - Family - Nairaland
Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration (3716 Views)
WEIRD: Woman Visit Friend 2-hours After Dying In An Accident / Dying In Shock! Never Knew That My Parents Are Not My Real Parents / Men Who Suffer In Silence (2) (3) (4)
| I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by tatooboy: 2:39pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
I married a currently married to a woman i dated between 1994-1998 and she departed abroad between 1998-2005/6, but we didint have too much communication while she was abroad, but somehow because of pressure from my parents to get married, i called her sometime in 2005 to find out if she was still single, then she was in the US. She said yes and she came home to naija and we discussed on old times, but sincerely, when she came back and i saw her, i knew i had lost sexual interest in her, but i thought i could make do with it, and that it might improve over time. If you ask me the reason i got married to her was because ma family members thot she was the best for me; inview of the fact that she is an EXTREMELY kind person. However, i thought the sexual issue would be taken care of. In my mind i wanted her to live in the US where she currently lives and i live here in naija. But i visit the US once in a while. Do you know that my problem is that i dont have any sexual feeling for my wife. I manage for force myself to have sex with her, but sincerely she does not know all these, i am not bold enough to tell her.What do i want to say? She is not young anymore (36). She is craving to have a child, but i usually struggle to have sex with her. This i find very strange because its not because its not because i can perform o. I can be randy if given the opportunity. Everytime i think about this, its like i am dying, if you see my, you will not imagine its a guy like me this is happening to. Good Looking, Intelligent, successful young man. Truly, i am tired. Bad enough i like sex, but i am married to a woman i dont like to have sex with and time is going. Please house mates what can i do? I am eant to go to the US soon again, but sincerely i am afraid since this issue will play out again. I think the worst way you can put a woman's self esteem down is to make her know your not sexually attracted to her. Some people say divorce is the solution, the truth is i cant face her to propose that. Please i need help. I wake up every day unhappy and i cant tell anyone my problem. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by MissyB1(m): 3:11pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
I feel your story!! While I think of somethin' to say to you . . .I hope you get pple to give you good advice. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by MsLurker(f): 3:43pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
You need to tell everyone the truth. You are causing nothing but damage. And next time, be true to you from the on set, if you don't want to do something, then don't do it. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by SimiBrasil(f): 4:12pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
Tatooboy Ask advice to your parents and to the elders now ! Y just followed their instructions and not your own desire. Why don't you feel more sexual atraction for her ? Is her ugly, fat , smell bad or what ? You don't have to make love , make sex, like the animals, it can't be so hard ooooo, if she used live in the same place than you, it d be more difficult and booring but she lives in US and you make it just when you travel. Doenst exist routine, it were supposed be peperish. We are more than our genitals, we are more than an orgasm, we are a whole, complete person that requires multiple facets of passion in our lives, why stop at the physical surface? The suggestion is not that every time you have sex with your partner it has to be a Tantric, mind altering experience, sometimes it is fun to have a quickie, a funny role play, etc. through a physically focused sexual experience. When you or your partner are bored in your relationship, you both have to look into the mirror and there you will see the person making it boring! |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by JustGood(m): 4:13pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
I am absolutely certain that if you both turn to God, this problem can be resolved. I know it must be excruciatingly difficult for you and I am very sorry |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by JJYOU: 4:25pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
sorry about this problem. the question i would ask is since she left have you had girl friends? do you have children by other women? if yes how many kids? answer and lets take it from there |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by tatooboy: 4:47pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
JJYOU: Yes i have had one or two girl friends. I dont have any child anywhere though. I do not have plans to break her heart. The truth is getting another woman is not a problem, but you know what? I will NEVER forgive myself. One reason is my wife & i are of different tribes, she is ibo and they had told her that this your yoruba man might take on another wife tomorrow. I have that thought because i will simply put this my woman to blatant shame. The truth is somehow i just feel that i am paying dearly for my mistake. However, i remember once she told me, she would never forgive me if she does not bear a child. These thoughts when i remember them, come to me as turture. For me, the truth is i can stay in the marriage without having a child, but my wife will never understand that, so we have a disunity of purpose. I remember she had asked sometime in the '90s when we were still dating that she noticed that i am not crazy about children and i said not really. But sincerely i desire to happy but i am not at all. After i posted this 1st thread, i cried. This is a bit heavy for me to carry. I pray i am able to get a way out from your advice here. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by JJYOU: 5:09pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
i thank you for your honesty. my brother this is a hard one. marraige in my book is tot a prison sentence. i am a christian and hold marraige seriously. i deliberately did not enter one until 3months ago. i was not ready to be responsible for another person. at least not emotionally responsible enough. i am so glad i waited and God saw me through and helped me with someone who is has been a fab friend so far. i dont know if you believe in counselling i would say this is counselling time. big one. it is the best money you will ever spend. i know nigeria is a society people dont dont admit they have problems bigger than them but my dear brother you need to go seek counselling seriously and if you are a christian it is time to sek the Lord big time. understand that ibo or no ibo. you guys started out being friends and she is somebody daughter. please do everything in your power not to hurt her more than necesary. you will be glad you did. she may not want the seperation but (you )having gone through counselling yourself will know where you stand and with clean and clear mind be able to sort this out. at the end of counselling you may discover tools to cope and by the time both of you begin to understand one another may work things out better. seperated or together. there are some few reliable good women here you should listen to too. i hope they see this and come on board soon. be warned you will getthe akward brigade too. just press your ignore botton. there is no mountain man with His Christ cannot climb and i pray you climb this too |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by cooldud62: 5:31pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
tatooboy:who be house mates? you think this is big brother or WAT? anyway,you said you dont like having sex with her, and she's ur wife! you are in trouble my friend. as much as i support a guy having enough fun, i dont suport leaving ur wife. find a way out to like her somethng again  thats my advice |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by tatooboy: 5:47pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
JJYOU: |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by dbisiback: 6:16pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
I didnt know another person is going through the kind of dying in silence and frustration i am going through, i never knew a man can also go through this. Thanks for being a man and bold enough to come out with this as i have thought of starting this several times but could not. Hopefully, we will get help here because i need it too seriously. I know how and what you feel because i am in the very same shoes as you. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by SimiBrasil(f): 6:37pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
dbisiback and tatooboy What women outside has than your own doesnt have ? Is she ugly, fat or smell bad ? Have you ever seen she in the toilette making number 2 ? Did you watch your babe coming to the world? the surgery ? What do you think that made you lost the sexual atraction ? |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by omoge(f): 6:50pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
are you where she is? see, you have got your papers why wont the sex be bad. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by cooldud62: 6:59pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
omoge:  true talk sweetie |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by dbisiback: 7:10pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
are you where she is? see, you have got your papers why wont the sex be bad Please read the post again, this time with more attention. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by ladydom: 7:15pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
tatooboy and dbisiback just cos u hv started seeing another woman why wot u say all that, just put urselves in their shoes Simibrasil and Ooldud62 thanks a lot tell them for me o |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by omoge(f): 7:17pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
i did,  divorce and stay in nig. no need to come to the state  stay married and look for medical help. you knew you have lost sexual interest and still went ahead to marry her   which kin family member? your story is hard one. bisi, looks more like a marriage for paper aint it |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by ladydom: 7:22pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
dbisiback how do u read ur book pls tell us how could u been this wicked? the woman u married and now u don't feel any thing for her just cos u hv gotten wht u wanted and for u Tatooboy, if i were in her shoes, i will not forgive u too when u can not make her to have a child of her her own and u no that ago is not on her side again too bad i no it is a thing of the heart, ur heart is no longer there that is just that ok |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by ayomifull(f): 8:00pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
ladydom: Gosh! why cant people take time to read post before hitting the keyboard? |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by lucabrasi(m): 8:37pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
@poster while i am not married i can tell you for sure that no woman or man for that matter is perfect,ill advice ou to wrok with what you have got seeing as divorce is out of the question. try and talk to her about what exactly you dont like about her,from what you have written,im guessing its some physical features,maybe she has grown bigger living many years in america(headquarters of big mack,buffalo wings) if she loves and cares about you that much and is willing to work to save the marriage,then its not too much effort to hit the gym and look like the woman you used to care about,its harder and much more disastrous emotionally to seperate or divorce her than simply getting her to work on her appearance,you can also spice up your matrimonial sex life by maybe getting her sexy lingeries,and all that stuff and u ll be suprised at the transformation |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by Okijajuju1(m): 8:56pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
@ Posters First and foremost, the easiest wat out of this dilema is divorce (Think about it). You'll be doing yourself and your partner a very big favour. It will hurt at first, but time heals all wounds. Let me also add that I blame you for all this. I know you thought it would improve with time but you should have called everything off immediately you found out that she was no longer appealing to you sexually anymore. I am not married (yet), but I can only imagine how you feel. Sex with someone you are not emotionally attached to must be hell. Now about telling your wife about how you feel, I suggest you exhaust all other options of resolving this within yourself before you do that. Now as ridiculous as this might sound, you could try hypnosis. It does work. You could also talk to a counselor or a shrink, and seek their advice. Marriage counselling could also work since the only problem you have is the sex. In summary, I would suggest you search yourself and be absolutely sure before you tell her about this. Divorce!! Thats my advice. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by benincitys(f): 10:11pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
my advice is divorce . |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by cooldud62: 11:26pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
@benin, why divorce? i am totally against that, thats why you should look b4 leaping! both of them in these cases above got what they want probably and now realised the partners are not good  if it were you,what would ur reaction be |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by lysaa(f): 11:43pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
tatooboy: lol. . basket mouth said marriage is like having a dstv with many channels but u are permitted to only watch one. sorry bros, u are in now excpet u are loking for a way out cos only u can solve ur problem. i.e the way u see her. Thats where is the problem. Could u pls tell us the reason why u dont have feelings for her again? what killed that feeling abi interest?? |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by nguage(m): 11:58pm On Oct 15, 2008 |
I know Nigeria is all about finding the perfect woman but why in hell would you marry a woman you weren't sexually attracted to? Or did she get fat after marraige? You need to tell us more, were you sexually attracted to her from the onset? Anyway, there's really nothing any of us can do to help you but thanks for telling us your story so we don't end up making the same stupid mistakes you made. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by TOYOSI20(f): 3:41am On Oct 16, 2008 |
What can I say. . . . . . . .its a bit too late now to cry over spilt milk. . . . . . . . . Pls don't waste any more of this lady's time than u already have, and certainly don't waste yours. . . . . . .   Good luck. . . . . . |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by nguage(m): 3:49am On Oct 16, 2008 |
TOYOSI20: Do you feel like wasting some of my time? |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by benincitys(f): 11:00am On Oct 16, 2008 |
cooldud62*:he hate her yet you dint want him to set her free if he hate her that much than he need to leave, what good does it do to stick around miserable ? by staying with her and not wanting to have sex with her even when he does is without love divorce is the answer. how will you feel if you are on her shoes sex with no love ? reason why men kill their wife's |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by Angolobabe(f): 11:18am On Oct 16, 2008 |
Get a divorce and dont deserve by being there when you have no feelings for her especially now that she wants a family of her own,if u cant give it to her she needs to be free to find someone that can. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by ochuko71: 12:42pm On Oct 20, 2008 |
You need to ask yourself some home truth. Do you truly love this woman? Where you forced to marry her. If your answer to the first question is yes, then you should have no problem loving her and also making love to her. Marriage is a life long business and anyone going into it must be prepared to stay in it for life. You do not sound like a child, so, grow up and get your act together. Make up your mind to start enjoying making love to her. It will come gradually and i pray that God will help you. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by MadMax1(f): 1:09pm On Oct 20, 2008 |
Doesn't sound as if she shares your problem since she wants a family. You have no right to deny her that. 36 isn't old. I know people who got married in their forties. One of my friend's Dads has a friend who got married in his sixties after being a lifelong academic. If you don't love her please let her go so she can find someone who does. Marriage is hard enough without adding lack of love to it.It'll be horrendous if you introduce a child into the mix at this point. Let her go so she can start a family with a man who genuinely loves her instead of one who merely feels sorry for her, and whose hidden resentment is causing havoc with his libido. Let her go. She deserves better than this. |
| Re: I Need Help! I Am Dying In Silence & Frustration by spoilt(f): 2:42pm On Oct 20, 2008 |
Why did you marry her if you felt no attraction for her? I dont get it. You never really said what the matter is. Is it the way she looks? her bedroom skills? What? Or just because she is now older? if thats the reason, remember you arent that young yourself either. My advice to you? Seek couples therapy. If that doesnt work then you can get the divorce i think you really want. |
Marital Problem / Lady takes her 'Pre-burial Photos' (Photos) / Cheating Father
(Go Up)
| Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket Links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2024 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 76 |