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Damsal's Scary Tale - Literature - Nairaland

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THE Visit To Grand Ma, A Scary Story That Will Shock U / 7hours Before Dawn (scary) (2) (3) (4)

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Damsal's Scary Tale by Damsal(f): 12:41pm On Jul 22, 2006
Um this is a story i gave in for ma college coursework. I'm improvising as i go along, i've changed around the characters and used Nairaland users it's pure fiction so no one should take to heart whatever is said, i'll probably continue and use as many people as i can depending on if the story is liked. I don't know how to place in the rating so if you like it just say and if you have any critcism please state thanks. This is a story from an overactive imagination.


Damsal had been running for a while. Now out of breath, she stopped to lean against a tree taking in deep breaths as she looked over her shoulder. She had lost him she prayed silently hoping he had fallen into a trap, she couldn’t really tell if what she had seen was a it or he but there was one thing she was sure of it was out to get her. Damsal slumped heavily on the ground her dark brown hair spilling out of it’s pony tail, she made to place it back in tighter when she heard a soft noise.
Her heart beat quickened, eyes wide she picked up the closest object she could find a soft moulding stick and searched through the dark desperately for where the noise was coming from not caring much about how useless the stick was, she tiptoed lightly towards the direction of the noise bending to brush away the flowers which had grown to cover the path, she raised the stick ready to strike. An innocent looking rabbit stared back at her wide-eyed and scared it ran back in the direction it came, Damsal gave herself a mental shake.
Get a hold of yourself would you
A strong gush of wind blew causing Damsal to pull her jacket tighter over her chest, she realised a cut on her leg in this process, swearing silently she pulled out tissue from her pocket and dabbed at the wound, fresh blood spilled out and covered the tissue, turning it to a scarlet colour. A deep terrifying howl was what jolted Damsal away from her injury, slowly she got up.
I’ve got to get out of here. She thought inwardly. Pushing her way through the deep green forest she headed in the opposite direction of the noise.
“Leaving so soon, I was just beginning to make plans”
Too late. That deep familiar voice rang in her ear, Damsal turned back to face the handsome yet terrifying nightmare she had ever had. He was dressed completely in black from his midnight black turtle neck, to his black polished shoes. The only colour he had to himself were his eyes the moonlight reflecting on them gave them a light brown glow. Damsal felt that if she looked at them for more than a second she might drown in them. He was breathing heavily, his fangs hang from his mouth looking incredibly white and sharp. He leaned in closer to Damsal, and stroked her neck lightly, then turned to take a look at her pale face.
“Any last words Damsal?”
At that moment Damsal’s eighteen and a half years on earth flashed before her.
This is it.
This is the end.
This is how I’m going to die.
Damsal wondered with realisation, this wasn’t how she had wanted to end, she still had a lot of unfinished business. She hadn’t even stared on her ‘Things i must do before i die list’.
-She wanted to go to university and graduate as a dentist
-She wanted to tell old Mrs Brown she was sorry for buying the wrong prescription drugs that killed her third husband.
-And the most important on the list she wanted to be engaged to Orlando Bloom on the Eiffel Tower.
“Close your eyes if it would help, but trust me this wont hurt at all” He muttered softly into her ears.
Before Damsal could utter a word he opened his mouth wide, his fangs looking deadlier than ever were thrust deep into her neck-
“Arrrrrrrgh”
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Seun(m): 4:46pm On Jul 22, 2006
A good story must have a happy ending. That's the whole point of fiction versus reality. angry
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Damsal(f): 5:42pm On Jul 22, 2006
Lol, Seun what is up with you and who told you every good story had to have a happy ending, more so who told you that was the end.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Damsal(f): 5:42pm On Jul 22, 2006
Here it is, sorry about the people i used.

Damsal woke up soaked deep in her sweat her hands flew rapidly to her neck, in search of bite marks or blood. Relieved she realised that it was nothing but a dream, this wasn’t the first time but it was definitely getting worse, The alarm clock on her bedside table rang filing the room with a solemn lullaby an alarm clock her mum has given her when she was six, reluctantly Damsal got out of bed and headed straight for the shower.

Skipping breakfast had not been on Damsal’s list but after taking a look at the greasy bacon, oily eggs and lavishly buttered toast she knew she wouldn’t’t be able to take a bite without throwing up. Outside the cold air hit her instantly, Damsal shuddered and pulled her jacket tighter she had a bad feeling about today. The trees looked alive not surprising as it was early September, there was something strange about the way the wind blew harshly as if it were fighting and trying to tell her to get back into the house. Not ready to obey Damsal braced herself for the day and headed towards Nairaland College it was her first day at college and a good impression was what she intended to make. Damsal walked into the college building, surprisingly she had anticipated this say so much and now that it had arrived she wished she could go back to her safe haven Oakville Secondary school even if it meant standing Rhodalyn. The creepy feeling had not left her yet instead it was rising up her as a clod shiver making her more aware of it’s presence than ever. Holding her time-table she read the first lesson
“Politics”
She’d met a few members of her class while enrolling. “Here goes nothing” she muttered under her breath. Walking down the hall which was bustling mightily with new students wasn’t so easy.
“you are causing a traffic, gettings out of my way” A girl with a deep African accent shouted.
“I’m sorry didn’t mean to, you see I’m a bit lost- ” Damsal smiled politely hoping the girl would stop scrawling.
“and I am supposed to have finded you hun” pushing past Damsal she stalked away rudely
“one day I will just gives you a dirty slap”. Damsal watched her walk away, warning herself mentally to stay away from the freak, there was about a dozen things wrong with the girl and it did not just start from the bright yellow shoes and flaming red skirt.
“Hey, you are new here right?” the question startled Damsal, as she turned and came face to face with a wide smile, the girl looked quite tall with deep chocolate skin and bright eyes.
“Yes I am”
“Fair enough, the girl you just encountered was Moladun I’d advice you to stay out of her way”
“I’d already come to that conclusion. So you are Eveseh”
“Yeah how did you know that”
“heard quite a lot nice things about you”. Eveseh smiled again, she looked nice when she did her face lit up and she looked vulnerable and feline. “Your next lesson is down the hall“ Damsal gave a quizzical look. Eveseh had already started walking in the opposite direction, she said over her shoulder “don’t worry I know”
Damsal found herself standing outside the classroom. As she walked in tentatively, a few eyes shot up to asses her.
There was one she would have recognised even if she had been battered, bruised, hit with a sledge hammer and covered in blood.
Rhodalyn!!!
Well you know what they say careful what you wish for, Damsal went to sit by the window. It was just the right distance from Rhodalyn, who had maintained a silent, slow smile before turning away. Drusilla the teacher walked in out of breath.
“Morning class, sorry I’m late. To start the lesson I want each of you to go round the classroom and introduce yourself to each other” Damsal looked around, theses people are quick everyone seems to have already started introducing themselves-
“Hi my name is Seun Osewa” Damsal turned around at the sound of that deep cool voice, and froze, that soft mouth, piercing dark eyes and all black attire sent a shock to her nervous system, if she knew Rhodalyn so well then she knew this face even better.
It haunted her dreams,
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Seun(m): 5:49pm On Jul 22, 2006
I'm glad that you have eliminated the unhappy ending.

Avoid using Nairaland members' names in your fiction. It destroys our objectivity and can lead to fights.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by diddy4(m): 6:24pm On Jul 22, 2006
seun, what if i want her to use me in her story? i dont mind at all.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Seun(m): 6:33pm On Jul 22, 2006
That is because you haven't spent time to think about the implications. Think.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by diddy4(m): 6:50pm On Jul 22, 2006
ok, i thought of it and i think she should use me if i will be the hero and not the villain. wink
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Damsal(f): 6:57pm On Jul 22, 2006
what? you mean to kick Seuns butt. cool

And Seun why on earth did you change the original title, i had a reason for using that.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by diddy4(m): 7:00pm On Jul 22, 2006
yeah hun, can u make me to be the one to kick his butt?




seun no offence, is just a tale. cool
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Ka: 9:19pm On Jul 22, 2006
Hi Damsal,

Your two halves are so different I have difficulty treating them as the same story! Don't get me wrong - they're both very well written (except for a minor gripe I'll come to later), but we move from a horror story situation where the protagonist is about to die swiftly to a girl-next-door-going-to-school scenario. I guess it just show how well you've painted the horror scene that I have difficulty in 'readjusting' my mind to the protagonist waking up in bed.



OK, that minor gripe. The sentences do run on a bit without any punctuation and it makes it harder for me to read. For example, you have this -

"She had lost him she prayed silently hoping he had fallen into a trap, she couldn’t really tell if what she had seen was a it or he but there was one thing she was sure of it was out to get her. Damsal slumped heavily on the ground her dark brown hair spilling out of it’s pony tail, she made to place it back in tighter when she heard a soft noise."

Two very long sentences which make hard reading. I think that for the kind of dramatic scene you're trying to portray, breaking them up like this would be better:

"She had lost him - she prayed silently hoping he had fallen into a trap. She couldn’t really tell if what she had seen was a it or he but there was one thing she was sure of - it was out to get her. Damsal slumped heavily on the ground, her dark brown hair spilling out of its pony tail. She made to place it back in tighter when she heard a soft noise."

Of course, it's possible that you actually used ellipses (. . .) and Seun's board software turned them in to commas.

I like the way you used the short sharp sentences here:

"At that moment Damsal’s eighteen and a half years on earth flashed before her.

This is it.

This is the end.

This is how I’m going to die."

You can just how each point is forcefully driven home to the reader.



I have to say that the use of Nairaland characters takes away the fiction element a bit for me. Like I said, you've done a great job of transporting me to this otherworld, and now I'm coming down with a bump as I meet all these familiar personalities again, plus it creates some confusion in my mind as to whether the story is supposed to be comedy or horror/fantasy. But that's just another minor gripe - it probably wouldn't matter if I didn't know anything about Nairaland.

But familiarity aside, the second half of the story is well written. I like the way you drop teasers as to what might have gone on with the main character and Rhodalyn, for example.

So please keep on writing - and remember, the only rule in story writing is that you enjoy yourself while doing it! (Unless you're writing to make money - but then again, why not enjoy yourself while doing that too?)
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Damsal(f): 12:02pm On Jul 24, 2006
@ Ka
Thanks for your opinion on ma story, you are the first who i actually believe read throught it. Actually reading though the part of the story you pointed out as long sentences, i'm finding hard to compromise just becasue i talk really fast and so to me the puntuation seems right except when read slowly. The story was actually inspired by nairaland and so that's why you see familier characters, until Seun decided to burst ma bubble.
I guess he is the only unbelieveable character went a little over board with him. The story was actually comedy/fantasy. It was supposed to be like a caricature where i over expanciated everyone's character. I actually find it very complimentary that you want me to keep on writing, but i'll just have to drop ma pen on this story.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Damsal(f): 12:12pm On Jul 24, 2006
I know i said i was not going to write anymore i could not help but write this little part that i just composed. Just for the fun of it. And for Diddy kiss

@ Ka i really did appreaciate your critic. Thank a lot. kiss

@Seun, it's just fiction.



Damsal‘s breath caught in her throat “Um. Hi. I‘m Damsal”. He looked at her with a smirk, his face was tilted to the side and with every glance at her Damsal was aware that he was watching her every movement.
“I know, that” This time he smiled brightly, his white teeth shone. “My dad is the owner of the school, so I’m pretty much aware of every new student”
“Oh” The rising feeling that had been growing in Damsal’s heart when he had said he knew her dropped with a thud. “Nice to know that, I’ll try to stay on your good side for future purposes”.
He retreated to his seat with a flick of his hand “Yeah you do that”.
Diddy a cool looking guy, with olive brown skin and a fit body was dressed to kill in blue denim as he clapped from his seat the sun hit his Rolex watch “Good job Seun, you’ve managed once again to intimidate someone. You‘re getting better at this”
Seun gave him a half smile which was beginning to become his trademark “It’s what I do best and making money” Diddy turned towards Damsal
“You know what, if he frightens you anymore just call” He winked, Damsal unsure of what would happen if she did call lowered her voice “are you going to beat him up”. Diddy smiled, when he did his face looked young and child-like almost innocent
“no not really” he rolled up the sleeve of his t-shirt and flexed his arm “but let’s just say, I didn’t’t get these playing golf” His smile widened, radiating warmth. Seun rolled his eyes and turned towards the direction of the teacher, but not before Damsal overheard what he said under his, aware that she had heard him he turned once again in her direction, his eyes were closed to slits . “I hope you enjoy your stay in nairaland”. And with that he turned, a cold shiver ran up Damsal’s spine.
I don’t think I’m going to like this.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by jazzy(f): 1:44pm On Jul 24, 2006
cheesy :-Xhey luv ur e ok,ur story s gud but as ka said unid puntuation marks i write too u know but the problem is how du i get to send a post as in start like a post or story in nairaland any body pls tell me , anyways gal ure doin alrite and u should complete ur stoty it sounds vampirish and dats gud u should probably hook up with my friend he writes crazy stories on knights and swords and its rily cool i knw hes creative so holla any1 or better stil seun am waiting
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by IAH(f): 5:49pm On Jul 24, 2006
cheesy Damsal, I love your story. It's 'sweet'. Permit me to use the word 'sweet'. Maybe it's the use of Nairaland characters that makes it sweet. cheesy cheesy

Please continue. kiss kiss
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by diddy4(m): 2:14am On Jul 29, 2006
ok damsal, dont stop cuzz im beginning to like it. especially the flex his arm part. damn, i love it. abeg use my name and if u need more info, tell me. kiss kiss
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by diddy4(m): 2:15am On Jul 29, 2006
if u need inspiration, holla at me. i can do dat too.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Damsal(f): 2:07pm On Jul 30, 2006
@ Jazzy
Yeah it has a vampire theme to it. And i'd love to read some of your friends stories they sound thrilling. And if you so want to send a post all you have to do is go to the end of the page and click on send topic.

@Iah
'Sweet' I wouldn't say that myself, but thanks. I would continue, but i'm trying to change Nairaland users names and find intersting things to add to ma story.

@ Diddy
nice to know you liked your part of the story, i would continue. And since you are offering to supply inspiration i'd like to hear it.
smiley smiley smiley smiley smiley
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by diddy4(m): 4:26am On Jul 31, 2006
the inspiration part will be on YIM. i dont want goodguy to come bite me now.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Nobody: 5:06pm On Aug 10, 2006
wow! damsal, that was an excellent story. I think you have the stirrings of a literary genius in you. Excellent story, i do not agree with Ka that both stories do not link up, i thot they both had great links.

Setting was excellent, character casting great! Besides Neotenyi, best story i've read on the Land so far!
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Damsal(f): 7:50pm On Aug 10, 2006
*blushing really badly* thanks David for your interest in ma story, you're really making me feel proud of it.
Re: Damsal's Scary Tale by Seun(m): 2:06am On Aug 23, 2006
Heh. Don't you want to write more? wink

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