A friend once swore she was going to help me get a job.
Few days after, I received a call from one lady while I was having my hair washed at a saloon. She told me my friend spoke to her about me and she requested we meet at a named 3 star hotel immediately or lose the 'big opportunity' for a job. With my hair still dripping wet, I dashed home and changed into something decent. As soon as I got there, someone directed me to the hotel's garden. Seated there were 3 guys and a lady. All of them wore a yellow t-shirt and they were fiddling with a laptop.
Oh, so I'm going to be registering SIM cards for MTN, I thought.
The first question she asked was if I am a computer literate.
"Yes" I quickly responded.
"Great! I'm actually a HR officer. My client will conduct the interview herself but I had to meet you first to be sure I'm recommending the right person.."

"I am the right person ma" I affirmed.

"Are you born again??" She asked.

That question knocked me off my feet.
Judging from that, It was obvious I was going to be an accountant for Deeper Life Church.
"Yes..I'm born again ma.'' I replied trying not to mince words.

"Beautiful!!" She exclaimed.
"Your interview is going to be at No bla bla bla by 9am on Saturday...its a new plaza in town. I don't need to go into the details of the job but I'm positive you're going to love it. Send your CV to bla bla bla mail. Also make copies of all your credentials and take it along. And pleases do something about that hair before Saturday. First impression matters you know." she added.

End of first interview. I heaved a sigh of relief and left the hotel.

Friday morning, sickness struck. Headache, fever remixed with cold and catarrh.
I contemplated between using the little money I had to make my hair or using the money to buy drugs and LIVE.
"Make your hair, get the job and use your salary to buy a pharmacy." The devil commanded.

If I pass the interview, the sickness might disappear out of excitement, I thought.
The next morning, I was on my way to the interview with the most painful Ghana braids on my hair. My bad health was not helping matters.
To be honest, the malaria had me looking like a fairly used chicken.
I also went with a Ghana must go bag of all my certificates (except my death certificate) only to realise it was a small ugly, stuffy bookshop without a standing/ceiling fan to cool down my temper.
My temper at that point was capable of boiling yam for a family of 3.
If I had my way, I would have tattooed the meaning of plaza on the HR forehead. Smh
My potential employer had not arrived yet so I used the opportunity to peruse the books on a dusty shelf.
A couple of Joyce Meyer books, books on wildlife, one Daily Manna devotional, Igbo men success stories books, history books, a couple of encyclopedia, and some other random boring looking books.
By 9:30, Madam CEO arrived and the interview process commenced.
She fired me a number of JAMB questions like she was sent to hire me as an accountant for Aso Rock.

As God would have it, I impressed her.

Then she began her speech...
"This plastic chair you are sitting on is going to be your office. You are to report from Monday to Saturday and your job runs from 8am to 6pm."

Before I could utter, what time will I use to search for a husband then?
She cut me and continued her cool story.
"You are the customer care representative, office assistant, and marketer of this place."
Upon hearing that, I had to peep at the wall mirror to check whether I have three heads. Does this woman think my head is 3 in one or what?
She went on...

"You would also assist Lilian, the sales girl in drawing accounts. Every Wednesday is marketing days. You are to take some of the books to churches, banks and offices to sell them. These are nice books so its going to be easy for you. That should enable you network."

Wonderful! With this sort of job, my salary should be such that I would be able to ride a Buggati to my village in 6 months time.

She was not done with me...

As a customer care rep, you have to try to read all the books in this shop. People will call to request information about one book or the other that's why."
My head harddrive had crashed upon hearing that.
Are you kidding me? Woman, I don't even read sign board these days!
I didn't want to hear more.
"How much is my salary?" I deadpanned

She paced around for a few seconds before dropping the bombshell.
"Salary is N10000!"

The last time I checked, Nigeria abolished slavery.
I broke into laughter. A laughter of misery and frustration.
To add insult to the injury, she began to yak on how there are no jobs in Nigeria. In her words "I better accept the offer. People will kill to have this job."

Even if I were stupid enough to take the shitty job, my transportation to and fro the bookshop was roughly N8000 a month. Tithe is 1k. Basically, I'll go home with 1K every month at my age, stage and relationship status?

Waste of Ghana braids!
I just wanted to loosen my braids there in her office and force her to swallow the attachment.
"Thank you madam for your offer!" I muttered.
If I had spent an extra minute in there, I would have probably be tumbling down the book shelves.

I packed what was left of my dignity and sicknesses and hurried out of her book kiosk.
As for my friend, we've not spoken to ourselves since then.

Naijasinglegirl

Hahahah...shove the attachment down her throat. I love the way u narrated this story. God will grant u ur heart desires soon.

I just love your write up... I believe better jobs are waiting for you at the right time...

Laf don comot my trouser ooo, infact person eye dey see for dis country,i had similar xpirience dis thursday after receivin invitation like twice from same company name,i decide to honour it dis time also called my friend to gate crash too. We got der it was just a container shop in front of number 13 basiru oweh street ikeja, suppose to be d company's address. We met a young woman der with a man givin instructions to d woman how to market dis and dat,mind u der is just one chair and table so we on standing till we left,he turnd to us, collected our cvs staryer bla bla bla on marketin, how u can make millions in just one deal, etc (yoruba adage will say someone who want s to buy u designer,hes putting on rags)dis and dat.some minutes into d talk, my friend just fired at d man "sir im nt here for commission job i need salary job" dats how my friend get angry n withdraw his cv from d man table.i cnt just help it, i busted into lafta rite in front of d man ,infact it was............

Hillarious!

i cant but just laugh....i love your writing skill.

Lol, Op, you try.

Hahaha...so hilarious.

Op, you got a nice writting skill, that will make the reader not want to stop reading till the last word.

Keep it up.

wat are u seeking a job for. pls write books. I wil buy

@Yemisi63, sorry for the wrongful banning by the AntiSpam bot, it has been rectified. Nice satire, by the way.

OP, you had me there. Oluwasyemisi Wordsmithstress

Lmao. If na me ehen only God knows best by now I for dey kiri kiri for beating that woman into a coma.

Funny enough it happens. They tell you to do 100million things and the pay is nothing to write home about.

Op you just made my day abeg

I love your subtle use of satire, feels like a blend of Soyinka and Saro-Wiwa. You don't need a job, you have a skill, use it!

Lmaooo...i died of laughter while reading this Infact, my spirit is typing this reply The part of 1k remaining after tithe and tfare really got me.

All is well sis! You'll smile in the end

Some employers don't care as long as they can get away with it.

Good writing skills I must commend. The part that got me cracking "how will I search for husband"

@op, unless u are NSG, u should have atleast put the source cos thats not your story. U copied it from www.naijasinglegirl.

Lol
But seriously op if this write up is a true life story then there is no way you can still be jobless when comedy is there for you to venture in. You will be a hit!

Humm... @Op, I love the story. I had to really laugh at the point....tumbling down the shelves... nice anticlimax.

Zedric: @op, unless u are NSG, u should have atleast put the source cos thats not your story. U copied it from [url] www.naijasinglegirl..com [/url]

Busted

Anyway, though the story is funny, it is very sad. This is essentially the kind of experience job seekers go through in this country. Employers want to overwork you and underpay. It reminds me of a certain nairalander who posted an ad in the job section. She wanted a male nanny/driver/tutor for her under-10 year old child. She demanded the candidate have a 2:1 degree in any course, it would be a full time job and the working hours would be from 7am to 9pm. The salary was 60k per month but it would be paid in arrears at the end of 6 months, and it was subject to renewal upon satisfactory performance.

Infact, when I saw the ad I just shook my head sadly. Nigeria is so messed up and yet some fools in Aso Rock are eating food worth billions of naira, with 10 million naira wardrobe allowance.

I can only imagine what you went through that day. You will tell this story to motivate people after you must have being in affluence. Your dream job and hubby is on the way. In the interim you can make do with writing.

hilarious

this is hilarious . 10k? its not even upto minimum wage. na wa o. if i was the one, well thank God it wasnt me





last bullet: Picture of the Ghana braids or it didnt happen

.

lol...
♈όϋ funny dear.. Comedienne go fit ♈όϋ Oº°˚˚°ºo. ..
Not forgetting Ūя̲̅ writing skill..♈όϋ re damn good...but wait Oº°˚˚°ºo. !
3 in 1 for just 10k?
Graduate don suffer!