With total submission to God and profound regret; with gratitude to God for a life well spent we announce the untimely transition to glory of Handshake. May its soul rest in perfect peace! Handshake died after a brief illness caused by a disease known as Ebola. It is survived by Chest Fist Pump and Hand Wave to mourn its death. Funeral arrangement had since been announced by the Senate of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and the House of Representatives.
 
Handshake would be remembered for the many countless interactions it caused and how it became a symbol of affection - a preferred way of greeting. It had various forms like the Firm Handshake or Loose Handshake. It led to body contact and a show of love. Though no one knew when Handshake was born, it has been widely agreed that it may have begun after Eve was created and presented to Adam. Adam may have wondered where to touch in this new beautiful creature and opted to reach out and shake her hand. From that time until the death of Handshake in Nigeria, it had served many useful purposes. Adam and Eve got more intimate, as you would remember, and Cain was born. Then Abel. Handshake grew and waxed stronger.
 
As it grew it, acquired new dimensions. Richard Cartani of the Christian Science Monitor said, "The gentlest Handshake I ever had was when I shook hands with boxing legend, Mohammed Ali, when he was the Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion. He gently placed his palm in my hands and removed them again. But whenever I have had to shake hands with a skinny, scrawny man, he had tried to impress me with his strength by trying to break the bones in my hand." Such were the uses of Handshake that those with strength treated it with respect and those without strength disrespected it.
 
Handshake never attended school nor acquired any education. It was still the same thing from ancient Oyo Kingdom till date. Palm to palm and eyeball to eyeball. You were not supposed to hold on to the hand longer than necessary, except you had an ulterior motive. So Handshake had its own abuses and uses as well. But it endured and no one ever put a tag on it like you have on cigarette. Something like, "Handshakers are liable to die young." That was until now.
 
Handshake was in good condition and did not have any known ailment until a few months ago when one Patrick Sawyer arrived Nigeria. The unfortunate Sawyer brought ebola into the country and with it the fear of ebola. The fear of ebola led to a phobia for Handshakes and that was the beginning of the slow death of Handshake. Now the popular wisdom is that "Shaking of hands may be injurious to your health."
 
Ebola is not a funny thing. Says old soldier Jumbo: "A disease that has no respect for doctors and nurses is straight from hell and a rampaging assassin. It does not even allow doctors to treat you. What kind of madness is this one?"
 
Ebola is a mean disease. Jumbo adds that "it has managed to make Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) sound respectable. With AIDS no one runs from you and you could be treated comfortably by doctors. I would rather have HIV than that demon called ebola."
 
He says it is not surprising that while one Bola Tinubu is firing from all cylinders in the political scene, now a thing that rhymes with "Bola" is on rampage in the West African coast and has sneaked into Nigeria. "It may have arrived here because it was attracted by our having too many Bolas in Nigeria." While the others are physical Bolas, this one is e-bola; and that is why it has gone viral like everything digital.
 
The late Handshake was a very important member of society. It was even used to seal important covenants and agreements and as a symbol of peace. Handshake would be remembered as the most used social activity in the history of mankind - exceeding Smiles and Hugs. Everyone used it hundreds of times every week and loved it. Before the advent of ebola, the only threat to Handshake was the common cold.
 
The common cold was not a threat to anybody. With a fix of aspirin or pro-cold, it could be fixed. But ebola has nothing like pro-ebola and it is completely out of control. If you contact it, it manifests in less than 21 days and before you could send a letter home, you may be too sick and before you know it you would be quarantined and stopped from meeting other people.
 
Being quarantined is actually some kind of euphemism for a death sentence. You are not kept there because help is coming, you are kept there because there is an urgent need to protect the society from you. You have become an outcast and a social threat. It is not a condition anyone looks forward to and when you consider that a simple thing like good, old Handshake can become a more serious crime than embezzlement, you have to avoid it. Even the late Gen. Sani Abacha's son who allegedly colluded with his father in embezzling billions of Naira has not been quarantined. Even armed robbers do not get quarantined, they only get shoved into prison and allowed to interact with other inmates. They are allowed to receive visitors. But with ebola, being quarantined is like being put in a coffin - only that the coffin is a room and you are allowed to walk about but not talk with or see anyone.
 
It is not the fault of Handshake at all, but Handshake is as dead as if it were its fault. The greatest betrayers of Handshake may be said to be those in authority in Abuja who announced its death. Before Handshake died, it lamented that after so many years of meritorious services to Nigerians in facilitating reconciliation and peace, it had been dumped unceremoniously because of a disease called ebola. It said, "Nigerians fail to understand that before ebola I was there." It is a pathetic and tearful story. Even my little nephew would not shake my hand because he was told in school that ebola has killed Handshake. Patrick Sawyer, you see what you have done?
 
By Michael John
Daily Independent
- See more at: http://www.medicalworldnigeria.com/2014/08/the-death-of-handshake-by-michael-john#.U_Mfu39MVxs