'I Have Lost Trust In My Wife' - Nigerian Guy Shares His Unhappy Experience Living With A Deceitful Wife

Theo’s Story:

I have brought this personal issue to the forum for the following reasons:

1. I do not want to seek counsel from family and friends. One cannot repair a damaged reputation.
2. I have no intention of judging or disgracing my partner.
3. I do not want to cut the bridge. It has never been my hope to try another woman.
4. I need to pour my heart out somehow. There is a limit to how much one can keep bottled in.

I met my wife about 11 years ago and our marriage will be 9 years this year. I was a virgin and very naïve in the ways of the world; but she was sexually active. In fact she had a child (whom I have since adopted). I met her in church and being a devout Christian, it is my belief that I was a positive influence on her. I am one of those who believe that the past is past as long as the other person is willing to turn a new leaf. I must confess that I really loved her. I still do.

During our courtship, she was really into me. Always by my side, very respectful, very dutiful. In short, she was had all I wanted in a woman. However, I got a shocker early in our courtship. I found out she lied to me about her age. The initial age she told me made her 9 months older. The age I found out through her friends showed she was 3 years and 9 months older. I was very furious. She pleaded with me on her knees to forgive her. Due to her otherwise good nature, I was willing to overlook this. Besides, she was more respectful than other ladies I have dated and whom I am older than. I used that occasion to warn her never to lie to me again…Ever.

I also made it clear that I can forgive anything except s-xual infidelity. I had kept myself for twenty-nine years before getting married to her. Even today, I still have not slept with another person beside her in spite of overwhelming temptation from time to time. She promised not to lie to me again and we made up. Because of her advancing age (I always knew a woman should have all her kids before 40 years of age), and possibly because of mounting temptation, I encouraged her to let’s get wedded in time even though I wasn’t economically sound at the time.

Everything went well until 2 years into the marriage when I discovered a funny sounding sms on my wife’s cell-phone. She saved the person’s last name with her maiden surname. The sender sounded too familiar for comfort. From what I knew about my wife, she would tell me every little thing happening to her, either in her office or in her family. How come she had never told me about this person? This got me curious and I started following their conversation. Soon I found out the man in question was someone at her workplace. I also observed she initiated most of the conversations (sms and calls). These conversations occurred minutes after I leave the house.

After some days, I casually asked her, ‘who is so and so?’ She said, ‘my cousin’. That night, hell was unleashed. When she saw that she was caught in a lie, she went on her knees and started pleading. I waited till morning and stormed out of the house. She held on to me and begged on her knees but I still left. In my absence, the other man sent me an sms explaining that my wife only helped him at work and that he was willing to come meet me anywhere I chose, together with his own wife to explain things to me. I responded that he should not worry and that the issue was just between me and my wife. To be candid, this man’s sms sort of calmed me down. Maybe I was still naïve or not, I cannot tell.

When I left home, I was bent on cutting off with her but that was when I discovered how painful divorce can be. It felt like a knife was piercing my soul. In fact, I believe that was when I developed high blood pressure. The inner struggle was intense. I came home after 36 hours to hear her out in a more calm mood. I got home and asked her to explain their relationship. The most implicating sentence she let out was that the man actually toasted her but she didn’t agree. I told her how much she hurt me but that I was willing to give us another chance. We made up that day. About 4 years passed again and I discovered a conversation between them. Only this time, she had crammed his number as it was not saved on her phone. The conversation wasn’t unusual but it sent a bell in my head considering the man no longer worked at her office. That day I talked to myself to never check her phone again.

To crown it all, about a year and half ago, she miscarried a pregnancy (we have 2 biological sons). While she was unconscious, the nurse handed her file to me to process the drugs etc. That was when I discovered again that my wife had lied once again about her age. The age on the file showed she had subtracted 1 year again. I waited several months till she had fully recovered and confronted her. She was quiet for a long time. Eventually, she owned up. I felt sick. By now, trust had effectively been destroyed. How can I believe anything that comes out her mouth again? Moreover, the age issue cast my mind to the fidelity issue. This most probably means she lied too. In fact, her child bearing issues probably are not un-connected to her age and probably intimate history.

I had celebrated her 40th birthday for her the previous year. All the while, she knew she had already crossed 40. Our first son together is very healthy. Our 2nd son has congenital health issues that have cost both of us fortunes and several nights of prayers. We lost a third pregnancy. The doctors and friends advised us to stop searching for more. Although there may be other reasons, I believe she is definitely past healthy child bearing stage. Truth is I don’t care if she has more or not. I am glad for the three God has given us.

What makes me sick, what makes my blood boil, what makes me wonder whether I am a good Christian or a fool is that I have loved and given my life to a woman who is devoted to deceiving me. She has observed the effect her several lies have had on me. She tried severally to prove to me that she is faithful to me. She stays home when she should go to work. She shows me attention, respect and care more than I can ever hope for. She calls me when she is late to explain what is keeping her. She does all these without my saying a word.

But the past keeps haunting me…and her too. I never say anything but it sometimes shows in my mood. I wonder if I can spend the rest of my life this way. I don’t want to leave her because I love her. But also, I do not and cannot trust her. She probably senses this and I feel that she is now insecure. Having rebounded from several relationships in the past, I feel she is ready for me to do my worst. These days, she is less concerned about me as she was at first. Can I blame her? I have thought to myself how long someone can keep trying knowing full well the other person has refused to be convinced.

Right now, her fashion sense has heightened. In fact, if there is anything that plunges me into bad moods, it’s her inappropriate dressing. I have complained about this many times. She will discard that clothing but the next one she will buy will still be questionable. I have complained until I got tired and all I do now is just watch. She loves high heels though she is taller than me, regardless that I told her how I feel about it. All these make me wonder, ‘am I wasting my time or am I just suspecting something that does not exist?’ Maybe she is just being glamorous? Or maybe she is dressing to impress another man? She is an extrovert while am introvert. She gets over things at an amazing rate, no matter how nasty while I dwell on things too much. That is a psychological make-up over which I have little control.

I desperately want my marriage to work but our history is not helping. I cannot bring myself to leave her unless I have solid evidence because our children are involved and because I really love her. Leave her or not, I am a scarred soul. It has affected my Christian faith (I am colder).

I often think of retaliating through infidelity so I can have my own secret. But my innermost part always tells me: ‘THAT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE. PEOPLE WILL BE WHO THEY ARE. NO MAN HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE ANOTHER. ALLOW OTHERS TO BE THEMSELVES BUT A MAN MUST BE TRUE TO HIMSELF, IF NOT TO ANOTHER’. This is my coping mechanism. That is how I have stayed this long in this relationship.

Source: obipost.com / GENERAL NEWS

You've shown enviable endurance and tolerance.Trust, however is a small word but a big concept, she has to earn it. Sit her down and clear the air between you both. If need be, invite relatives from both sides; that could draw her mind to the seriousness of the matter. All the best.

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This marriage is long over, they're both just living a lie now.

This is why I don't tolerate lies. If he had dumped her during courtship all this drama wouldn't have happened.

She is even rubbing it in. How can she be this heartless? Chai.

Man, you have tried. Just focus on your kids.