As a guy, my friend doesn't understand why I enjoy fashion police. He erroneously thought I'm interested in the gowns and dresses of the women till I told him to pay close attention to Joan Rivers scathing remarks and he couldn't stop laughing that day. There are quite a few comedians in d world that have a smartarzz response like Joan Rivers and I am a huge fan of hers. Below are some of her jokes that u might find funny. Add urs if u've got any. Enjoy




Following the death of Joan Rivers at age 81
on Thursday, her daughter, Melissa Rivers,
released a statement: "My mother's greatest
joy in life was to make people laugh," it read
in part.
Onstage and on TV, the sharp-tongued and
absolutely fearless comedian did just that
by taking on everything from Hollywood
stars to housework. She also used humor to
get through the sometimes extremely
tough times in her career and in her
personal life, and plenty of her schtick
included self-deprecation about her own
looks, aging and sex appeal.
Here are some of Joan's thoughts, jokes and
one-liners that will help fans laugh again –
and remember the way she saw the world
through a lens of humor:


"I succeeded by saying what everyone else
is thinking."


"I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't
particularly funny."


"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese.
Most of it's missing, and what's there
stinks."


"I've learned: When you get older, who
cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold
back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire
me? It's been done. Threaten to commit
suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done!
Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party?
I've never been invited! If I ever saw the
invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper."


"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so
funny on e-mail: They don't hear your
intonations. Melissa broke up with
somebody over that. She tried to tell him:
'That was a joke!' But he just didn't get it.
Mick Jagger said, 'F––– 'em if they don't get
the joke.' And I love him. That comes with
age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."


"Comedians are the lucky ones, because if
you're funny, you can be 125 years old and
they will still accept you."


"My best birth control now is to just leave
the lights on."


"She's so fat, she's my two best friends."


"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll
consider it."


"You know you're getting old when you buy
a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know
anyone who can see through it."


"I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see
maybe once a year, because I don't need it.
It all comes out onstage."


"Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's
tough."


"My routines come out of total
unhappiness. My audiences are my group
therapy."


"Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
Of course they do. Even babies go to the
attractive face. It's the way humans work."


"I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't
toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."


"I hate housework! You make the beds, you
do the dishes and six months later you have
to start all over again."


"Grandchildren can be f–––ing annoying –
how many times can you go 'And the cow
goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like
talking to a supermodel."


"I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband
never said anything, but after we made love
he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my
body."


"The fashion magazines are suggesting that
women wear clothes that are 'age
appropriate' … for me that would be a
shroud."


"Is she fat? … Her favorite food is seconds."


"She doesn't understand the concept of
Roman numerals; she thought we just
fought in World War Eleven."


"Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty."


"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what
I'd look like without plastic surgery."


"I always like a charity with people who
don't speak English because I get them to
do all kinds of things around my house."


"Don't make friends with your dogs! The
sons of bitches will literally die ahead of you
and cause you grief."

On Angelina Jolie’s “leg bomb” at the 2013
Oscars: "Everyone took her to task with that photograph with the leg out, but to me it looked as if she had a terrible yeast infection and she was trying to air it out. It was hilarious!"


On Justin Bieber’s attire: "Someone needs to sit him down and say, 'You are not a big black thug.'"


On Rihanna’s #FreePalestine controversial
tweet: "Rihanna, who is beautiful but is not the brightest bulb in the lamp, they see pictures of children and they go crazy. I think Israel should start showing pictures of dead puppies, and you'll
see these girls turn right around."


On Lady Gaga’s purple fur gown: Rivers told
her fellow Fashion Police host Kelly
Osbourne: "Look away, Kelly, I don't want you to
have to see this. So many of your people must
have died to make that dress!"


On Kate Winslet’s golden flower fascinator:
"The nice thing about this hat is that it covers up
the head wound that made her think it was a good
idea to wear it in the first place."


On Nicole Kidman youthful face: "And she does
remind me of Audrey Hepburn in one way. Neither
one of their faces has moved since the Nineties."


On Rihanna’s gothic-chic look at the 2014
iHeartRadio Music Awards: “I have not seen
lips this green since Miss Piggy got out of the
back seat of Kermit’s car.”


On Natalie Portman at the premier of Black
Swan: “I don’t like she’s carrying a book… It says
‘this movie sucks, it’s so boring I’m going to read
through it’”.


On Madonna’s nip slip: “Listen to me young girls
out there; it’s never too late to do a breast
examination”

cool

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio”


"I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked"


“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly”


"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds"


"I don't exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor"


“At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass”


“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on”


“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police”


“All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window”


“Joan Collins told a reporter that she hadn’t had plastic surgery; come on… she’s had more tucks than a motel bed sheet”


“She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends”


“Boy George is all England needs – another queenwho can’t dress”


“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, 'Pick up, I know you’re there'”


"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware"


"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, 'Get the hell off my property'"


"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day"


"Before we make love, my husband takes a
painkiller"


"I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry"


"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it is missing and what's there stinks"


"My sex life is so bad, my center of gravity has been
declared a historical landmark"


"I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything'"


"Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty"


"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television"


"No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card"



Hahahahahahaahahahhahahahahahaha
Joan....I a huge fan. Surely will miss her

Op

Sparrow13: Op

It is not my fault that u don't understand her jokes because it is not akpors pidgin english jokes

I love fashion police and her funny comments on the show,but OP...
I no dey laff

SMALLPENIS: I love fashion police and her funny comments on the show,but OP...
I no dey laff

hahahahahaha if u love fashion police and her funny comments and I post some of her funny comments y are u not

Abi na wetin u dey see wen watching d show and not what she says that is making u to laugh?

Akshow: hahahahahaha if u love fashion police and her funny comments and I post some of her funny comments y are u not

Abi na wetin u dey see wen watching d show and not what she says that is making u to laugh?

remember what she said; a joke which is funny verbally may not be funny in an email (written form) , so you see.

SMALLPENIS:

remember what she said; a joke which is funny verbally may not be funny in an email (written form) , so you see.

yeah she sure said that. But do u mean to tell me none of the over forty Joan's funniest lines above is funny to u? Not even one? .........

Akshow: yeah she sure said that. But do u mean to tell me none of the over forty Joan's funniest lines above is funny to u? Not even one? .........

except that of the swiss cheese, and I didn't even laugh out, I just smiled.

SMALLPENIS:

except that of the swiss cheese, and I didn't even laugh out, I just smiled.

U don dey confess small small

This camera angle blew my mind.