alutacontinua:

You did a se.x transplant ma'am?

@OP... you pass across to me as an independent woman who doesn't need to ask a man for anything. thats how your hubby sees you and wouldn't mind not giving you a dime.

It would have made sense to me if he bought your ring and you bought his. Cos on the day he is just going to put your gift on your finger and you are going to put his gift on his finger

I don't see anything wrong with splitting the rest of the expenses.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but before even getting married you're making a mistake that is responsible for lots of failing marriages which is - Lack of Communication. You should be free to discuss with him. I believe you should have ironed this issue with him even before seeking advice on Nairaland. Let him what you how you feel, know what his take on this is before making your decision. Best wishes.

DoctorVicky: I am getting married soon & my husband-to-be has not & does not intend to give me a dime to make some preparations from my end(of course I got my wedding gown & every other thing I need with my money already). My folks are agitated that as a man, he should @ least spend something for his bride even if not much. Just this evening, we agreed to get our rings seperately 'cos we stay very far apart & he was soooo cool with the arrangement suggesting that I should give him a call before making the purchase, with no talk about how he'd refund me the money(for buying my own ring, not his). This, coupled with the fact that I would be responsible for the wedding cakes (60K) has really made my mum & siblings to be sooo pissed off with me for not taking his 'stinginess' up as a serious issue to be dealt with.

Please note that he is a very God-fearing man
His input towards the general aspects of the wedding include:invitation cards, hall decoration, live-band.

Are my mum & siblings overreacting or am I the one blinded by love? I need objective responses please. You could be saving a life. Thank you

I can't laugh ..money answerth all things

Na wa oo.

Leave him, I heard Dangotes son is looking for a 5th wife

DoctorVicky:

The list of things he is to buy is just 10. The total amount of money requested for other things in the list is about 10K. My parents refused to request for Bride price

in this case I can authoritatively say that he is a stingy guy but u still don't have to report him to ur family . maybe it's because of financial issues on his side. and to crown it all talk to him. enjoy

Well the wedding is for both of you ain't it?
Abi what do you think all that money you were working for all the way to this day was to be used for? Brazilian weave only?
He is not the only one getting married today. In fact, as a guy, if he had his way, he'd simply walk you both in and out of a court and be done with it...but una no go wan hear dat one lol.

Look, you've said it yourself, he handled hall and decorations, etc, kon pay bride price and list on top.
The guy don try. You women need to logicalize the way you think. I know it is hard, but just add some logic to all that brain activity...you'd be amazed at the results.

When someone is short on cash, that is what it is. It does not mean they are "stingy". Get a good understanding of these concepts. Nigerian Women tend to think men are an everflowing source of money. That him saying the words "That's all I have for this" is a lie. Please don't join typical women to be that stupid.

Wedding no suppose finish bank. Work with what you've got.

doctor Vicky, i can deduce you are about entering a life time venture with the wrong mindset and attitude, for instance imagine you calculating what you have spent so far towards your own marriage and it seems to you that you have done quite too much. assumption is a giant killer in most beautiful relationship, that's why it is always adviced to communicate everything with your to be hubby. you have allowed family and friends to chip in their ideology in your relationship, but you need wisdom to function properly in any human endeavor. it's not everything you implement when being given suggestions. you have to seive it and check which to implement. remember a wise woman builds her home, but the foolish one scatters it.
I am saying this based on the comments you made. how can you tell me he is generous to everyone except you, how can you tell me he should know what to do without being told all the time, have you realized that the human mind is deceitful in all, and perhaps nobody is perfect. did it not occur to you that nobody is perfect and you are there to complement him in his weaker side.
please my dear, work a bit on yourself ie build up the right and positive attitude towards life. you guys should sit down and work on your communication skills very well cos it's vital. please don't maintain a master -servant kind of relationship where communication is so reserved and limited. try and understand the kind of man you are marrying ie his temperament and never you assume anything. please note that you are a helpmate, a partner, a lover and a friend as this is what the Bible stipulates you should be and not by implementing vain philosophy of men. Infact take your time to read and digest the last chapter in the book of proverbs. I think I have said so much now. take good care.

DoctorVicky: Chaircover I can see you viewing this thread. Please I really do need your advice. Please

Busted

To be honest, I dont really know what to say and that is why I "passed"
There is also not really enough information in your OP
For example I dont know his reasons, his financial capability, his type of wedding choice (maybe he wants alow key wedding and you dont), his background and a heap of other things so its difficult to make an informed judgement.

All in all, you should be discussing your fears/thoughts with him over this issue. You should both by now be comfortable with talking to each other even about things that are not that easy to broach. If you cant communicate now, when will you communicate?

You should also minimise how you negatively portray him to your friends and family especially in cases where he is not there to say his side of the story. Friends and family dont forget these things and it will take a long time for them to change their minds about something once its been established and this will eventually affect your relationship.

Each relationship is different and that he has asked you to pay for some things towards the wedding doesnt automatically make him a bad husband to be. Look at the bigger picture. Bottom line is that you know him better than anyone else and so think about it all in great depth. Marriage is not a days job

It's only in Nigeria that ladies relax and want the man to foot all the wedding bills...let's blame it on culture!!!

U r being unreasonable wit ur ppl so he shld go over board to spend everything he has got on wedding in other nt to b termed stingy abi. He is showing financial leadership n u shld assist him. U shld b tinkin more abt d success of ur marriage nt d wedding has it ever occurred to u dt may b he choose to marry u bc u r workin class n ll assist him financially.

DoctorVicky:

He is generous to everyone except me. I find it difficult to demand for things. I've been told I need to ask him fo certain things but I feel he should know what to do without me asking

My view too. If you wait for me to ask then you are on a loong thing.

You have tried already. But, why would he agree to buying rings that should be uniform, separately . That's poor in taste

You have to contribute.

But why die in silence ? I don't like this female habit of bottling up grievances and emotions.

Ask him for money. Simple..

Most ladies just have a way of creating unexistent issues.

Imagine your whole family is running high BP for your inability to tell your husband to be, that he should send you like N50k...

alutacontinua:

Now, that cannot be right!
it's either: he's generous to everyone as a show-off
OR
you come across as too independent and rich , thereby, not needing anything. Some guys wouldn't mind a lil bit of asking, but ladies these days are MISS INDEPENDENT, MISS I-CANNOT-ASK, and it makes them to miss out on a lot of things. Not saying turn to a beggar but you could have just chipped it in that you'll need some cash for the ring. CHIKENA! Some people don't easily take the initiative, he's your hubby-to-be, a little 'baby, I want this thing' once in a while doesn't hurt (inasmuch as these are things he could easily afford and you'll do same for him without blinking).

There are actually a lot of guys like that, who give to show off. They will treat others better than they would their partners

Check out the rings you want, take pictures and send it to him with prices. Don't buy the ring.
By the way, aren't you guys engaged? I mean he should be holding the wedding ring or has it with him by now

Sorry Miss... Have you told him how you feel? If you can't communicate your feelings now and be certain he will listen and understand how you feel then Let me assure you that you will be back here in Six months telling us how inconsiderate he is bla bla bla.
Speak honestly to him about how you feel and guage his reaction... How he takes it will determine your lives for the next 30 yrs and will help you decide whether to go on or not..... The way i see it, if he is generous to everyone except you then expect to solely take care of your children's needs in future. The way you guys have started, he will pay the rent, buy fuel for the cars and leave the rest to you.

@ Op Why not send him your size ,let him buy uniform rings. Discuss the wedding expenses with him not your mum/siblings. Una no get budget? Update him on what you have done and what is still remaining. Discuss your finances and how to fund the outstanding. You guys are on the same team and should work together. I guess you are planing a society wedding,it comes with plenty wahala. However the phase you are passing through is normal. You may still have friction with him/his family on some decisions. Remember 'there is no perfect wedding',. So no matter what happens, be happy and full of smiles on your big day. Happy married life.

Let me tell you clearly, you are about hitch a ride on the wrong train and its good you came here to inquire, if the train is going your direction. when it is obvious you don't know where,what &why you are doing on this journey.
Love is blind not cheap; sort yourself out young lady, because YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT MAN.

lari03: Let me tell you clearly, you are about hitch a ride on the wrong train and its good you came here to inquire, if the train is going your direction. when it is obvious you don't know where,what &why you are doing on this journey.
Love is blind not cheap; sort yourself out young lady, because YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT MAN.

Woman wrapper

lofty900: you are not having any second thoughts otherwise u wouldn't have gone as far as buying the wedding gown. My question is this, why gossip ur man with ur mom and siblings ? must u run to them and complain about every single thing including how much money ur spending on ur wedding ? Be wise, some ladies sponsor their own weddings and nobody will know about it. Ur man is not stingy, but doesn't want to bear the weight of the wedding alone. I'm sure he paid ur bride price and after the whole thing, u will discover that he has spent much more money than u have. Don't spoil the marriage b4 the wedding day. He who has ears let him hear. happy married life

A man giving dis kind of good advice, hmmm..wat a responsible man, nairalanders av here, am just passing thou!

@ 2buff boss am just talking from experience.
My thoughts:
1. lack of communication about real issues which leads to the second.
2. Long distance relationship & acute infatuation.
Obviously everyone else can see this guy is not pulling his weight and you are just waking up to it(He is generous to other people but you are the exception and that's how you wish to remember the origin of your relationship? ? ?)

These are the premises on which I based my first post.

For those complaining about her family's contributions to her situation, They made her who she is today and so if she is financially independent at least her mother who is a major stakeholder in her well-being should take interest in what happens to her. First because weddings are family events, second because with her own experience she might want to help her daughter avoid pitfalls that every marriage encounters: confrontations based on orientation and idiosyncrasies.
Message delivered!

izaray: A man giving dis kind of good advice, hmmm..wat a responsible man, nairalanders av here, am just passing thou!

lol and thanks

First, have you ever discussed your fears with him? Do you find it difficult to air your own views? If it is so then please do something. You both have a long way to go if you are going to stay married.

Second, Some men do not have the initiative to say 'darling, have this money. you may need to buy some things'. And it will be worse if you wait and expect him to give while you keep forming independent woman, doing everything by yourself. If he does not give you without your asking then ask him. Ask him as politely as possible. His response will let you know what you are getting into.

What i would suggest is postpone the wedding but i dunno how feasible this is or if you really got guts like you portray. I say so cos you really dont know this man and the distance has not helped. Your only confidence is that he is a man of God and thus would make a good husband. You dont seem to have what you want in a man. You may not or may be what he wants in a wife as in an independent woman who would not ask or question is ways or styles but the truth is thats not what you want and the huge communication gap has not clarified your stance. That a man is a MOG and does not do fetish stuff doesnt mean he is God fearing. You dont know if he is has habits or lifestyles you cant put up with. From some experiences they are the worst liars and adulteres, only their wives can really tell you what they are and going through in their hands cos they look so angelic on the pulpit just like the one making waves. It will be better you know him more and communicate more all your fears and opinion on matters so that you know what you are going into.

This op is hiding some info.

@OP in practical terms, I "expect" my girlfriend to package a pot of soup for me from time to time, but it doesn't always happen.
You know why?
Because she has her own mind and her own life, and I may not be at the forefront of her mind during certain seasons. Maturity makes you understand and accept this.

So if I want some, I would communicate thusly "babes, I think I'm having cravings for that veg soup you made the last time. The thing make sense dai" and this equips her with an insight of my needs. What she does with the insight afterwards is up to her (I can cook my own food or she might be too busy), but it shouldn't be said that I will be smearing her all over because of that...expecially without communicating my need to her.

Just as you are not mind readers, neither is a man.
If all you are doing is sitting there, stewing in your melancholia and bad-mouthing him up and down town, then you really are not a serious person.
COMMUNICATE, and do so APPROPRIATELY.

It is a very easy thing to have our needs met if we stop behaving like THE WHOLE WORLD should instinctively know what we are thinking.
I assure you, the world has its own problems to think about.

Tallesty1: It is your decision to make.

I don't know you.

Don't even know him

so where do I start?

On point

Summary of this thread is...

Women don't like spending money

Even on their wedding..

Nah for my own you go con spend am ?

100Cents: Summary of this thread is...
Women don't like spending money
Even on their wedding..
Nah for my own you go con spend am ?

abi o

I believe this is a potential problem you have to solve before getting married or else you might find yourself financially responsible for urself and house keep. If i may ask you, what is ur financial plan for your future home? What percentage of the financial responsibility will each of you be saddled with? You need a plan.

Also, don't assume that he should know what you want. Ask, ask and ask again.

Goodluck!!!