Naija is hard,we all know that.After spending 8yrs in the university for a 4year course no thanks to the numerous ASUU strikes you finally graduate.Fastforward 3yrs and you are still in need of a Job.you are getting older by the day and desperately in need of money to impress that Mgbeke girl in your village that you have been asking her hand in marriage.
This is where i come in,Let me introduce you to a hustle that is sure to get you enough money to build that house in your village,buy another one in lagos and stockpile your garage with the latest cars.The hustle is called Blogging.
Here is how to be a Blogger in Naija
1. You Need to be Computer Literate
Dont be scared,i dont mean it like how it is written.You dont need to go to any computer school.By computer literate i mean you should just know the shortcut for COPY and PASTE on your keyboard which is Ctrl C and Ctrl V respectively.You see,very easy.You are now well equiped to begin your blogging hustle.Dont mind destiny blockers that keeping ranting about plagiarism,laws against it are non-existent in naija.you can never get sued.
2. Blogging Category
This is very important.Forget you read English
Linguistics in the university and you know how to write short stories,this is naija nobody cares about your stories.Nigerians only click and read ‘Gossip’,especially celebrity gossip.Nobody cares about the stock market meltdown or the bilis being passed by over-paid lawmakers in the Senate,just Gossip.
3. Right Caption
The caption is everything.you have to take advantage of the amebo nature of Nigerians.Be conversant with words like Leaked!,Revealed,’Warris this’,Shock! and my personal favourite OMG!.Nigerians can never overlook these words especially when there is an exclamation mark after the words they are just like kim Kardashian’s butt to them.These words are gossip indicators.Once they see them a spirit takes over their minds and before
they know what is happening they would have clicked and you know the more clicks on your links the more the traffic on your blog increases and before you know it you will have adverts all over your blog and that means more Money.
4. Start loving Bad News
Nigerians are somewhat deranged.Nobody likes good
News.life in Nigeria is hard and everybody’s taste buds have gotten accustomed to bad horrible News.That is what they love to click on.They want to see people suffering more than them in order to feel good with themselves.Nobody want to see pictures of people celebrating life ,what they want are gruesome pictures of four young promising future leaders being stoned to death in public view.News like these can never be overlooked by readers especially when u spice it up with a caption like ‘OMG!’.
5. Sex Sells
If you dont have the stomach to copy and paste gory
pictures then nude pictures will do.Statistics show that majority of Blog readers are youths and you know what youths love the most,yes you are right, SEX!.With their testosterone level above normal,the average Nigerian youth cannot overlook captions like “OMG!,wardrobe malfunction” or “Leaked! Tonto dike’s Sex tape” even if it is not really tonto dike in the video,just put it up they won’t notice.they are more intrested in the act.
6. Social Media is Key
You must have a facebook and a twitter account.On
twitter you need to follow a lot of people and get people to follow you back.the more followers you have the more likely your false and horrific News will trend online because nigerians love retweeting those kind of News.
*Just follow these instructions and before you know it you will be richer than those no good CEOs that rejected your CV when you were looking for a Job.May God bless your blogging hustle.