Sometimes early this week, I stumbled unto a post on FaceBook that reads 'Don't turn down gifts from your ex, because that is your pension'

Pension means a severance package, or benefit from a long time of service to an organisation. With this, what the author of that post which has since found it way to several online forum didn't specify was whether he was referring to the female folks or their male counterparts as the severance or retirement victim here! But with the mentality we hold over here when it comes to relationship between a man and a woman, the victim here is the female.

With the following questions and answers excepts from an Ebonylife TV talk show call 'Love Lounge' which feature Lanre Olusola, Life Coach, Psychologist and Peak Performance Coach, you would understand that putting one's self in a position of a victim is putting one's self in a powerless state with great consequence.

HERE'S Ex FACTOR FOR YOUR INFORMATION AND ENJOYMENT.

EX FACTOR:
Needs heads up on how to manage break up without being weighed down by the emotional trauma characterize with it? HERE IS XFACTOR TO YOUR AID.

Q1. What are the three most recounted reasons why people break up? (In a Relationship)
A1. I’ll call them the triangle of power, and the first one is vision. Without a common vision, and without both parties in the relationship pursuing the same vision, they’re heading nowhere. The second is values, you know, the reason why you do everything you do is to validate your values. And if you have a spouse whose values violate yours and run contrary to your value, you’ll always be in conflict. The third most powerful thing is your believes. Believes are those philosophies that you live your life by. Now without an alignment, a perfect alignment of all of those three, it’s impossible for you to have a happy and healthy relationship.

Q2. How should one handle beak up?
A2. It is important for both of you to ask yourself: Did we break up for the right reason? Because fundamentally if the reason for breaking up wasn’t for the right reason that deals with core values, differences in core values systems or something really powerful, then you’ll find yourself keep coming back to each other. And then you ask yourself, did we both know that? It’s important for the break up to happen for the right reason, but it is also equally so important for the both of them to know that, because if one person feels that the reason was not good enough, it wasn’t that the value system was not different, was just an issue of circumstance of time at the time, then there will be those wink wane feelings. And number three, was there a closure? Because if we broke up for the right reason, and we both know that we broke up for the right reason, then there’s no closure, then there’s a problem. So make sure that there is closure.

Q3. If I or my partner realize that we were not meant to be and separated, can we still be in each other’s lives? Is it advisable to still be best of friends with your ex?
A3. You can have your ex in your life, but then the boundaries of that exchange have to be properly communicated, so that everybody in your life and all the stake holder of your life and the new life can be at peace with that relationship.

Q4. Should we use our previous relationship as a bench mark for what we want in our future relationship?
A4. No it’s not right, it’s wrong, and every time you focus on what you don’t want you have it. Because focus create, focus attract. So if you’d gone through a bad relationship, or you’ve a hang up in your past relationship and you keep focusing on some of the dimension of that relationship, you’re going to attract same dimension in another relationship. So one of the greatest thing you need to do for yourself before you get into any relationship is to count the cost, ask yourself what is the purpose for it, what is my objective and ultimately, what is it that am willing to give in that relationship, not what is it am willing to get? We must understand that relationship is a need. Now, the more you give the more you get, and the more you demand, the less you get.

Q5. In a situation where children were involve in a relationship that is heading separate ways (DIVORCE), how does one manage the breakup without affecting the children?
A5. Well, I must say that it’s impossible for it not to affect the children, because the situation is no longer a deal, is contrary to design. A family is not a husband and wife living apart, is not Daddy and Mummy living apart, and is not a kid living with Daddy and another kid living with Mummy, the idea of a family is daddy, mummy and kids living together, and so you no longer have an ideal situation, it’s like pulling my hand off my body, it’s off the design, so there’ll be a clash of experience whether we like it or not, so the kids are going to suffer some kind of lost, but the parents can respond to their situation by being solid for each other, in spite of their differences by recognizing that they have a very critical interest, common interest that’s important for their peace, so both of them would work together to offer the children the best support their individuality deserve as kids. But most importantly, God will have to help those kids within their own reality to come in contact with a kind of knowledge, with a kind of education that can allow them to re-interpret all their experiences and put it together in their life time so that they don’t recycle the same experience and reproduce it in their own time.

Q6. Let’s assume they've understand and accepted the reality of their separation, wouldn't it be confusing to the children when they start seeing their parents in another relationship?
A6. You know, that’s what I’ll call complication. And the reason why I’ll give it that simple interpretation is because they’ve just begin a new design. Now the original intent for family is husband, wife, and children in one home focused on birthing the destinies of their children and living them a legacy. But in this situation, you've got father that has ran away with another mother, and you’ve got mother that has ran away with another father, you've got step sisters and step brothers, which makes it an abuse, because it’s tantamount to you detaching an arm. It’ll be painful, now that experience in itself is traumatic, and it’s bound to affect and infect the children, including the parents. So over time that concept of family is water down, and who suffered? The community. Who suffered? The nation. Who suffered? The continent they found themselves in.

Q7. , there’s this phenomenon known as ‘Okafor’s law’ (Once there, always there) How true is this, and must it be so?
A7. And part of how it work is that people are weak. If you have a relationship with someone, a sexual relationship with someone, and now you’re married, if you’ve not been able to outgrow that weakness that allowed you to open yourself in the first place, definitely that kind of relationship can continue, but transformation is always possible, behavior governance, behavior transformation is always possible. You can come in contact with some kind of information, knowledge or experience that allows you to completely change who you are. Some people are trying to change, ask anyone who has experience change, you can look at people of your past and see them completely new.

Q8. Is it advisable for you to maintain a cordial relationship with your ex’s family and friends?
A8. You know, part of what people don’t understand is that relationships are very vital to human advancement. It’s practically impossible for anyone to have a great life without meaningful relationship. At times, some of the best relationships do not necessarily begin with the best of experience. One thing is clear, if you break up a relationship, you would always have a reason to determine how that relationship will go forward. There’re situations that will demand that you completely cut off permanently from this person because you need to do so in the defense of your integrity, and you’re sure that in the future you’ll not need that relationship for any value, God will not put your miracle beyond your reach, and he won’t put it in the hand of your adversary. Now, you have to be careful how you short doors, it’s very important, because you might need to return through those doors in future, because of that you need to judge, do I really need to break away from this relationship? And then you can have somebody in your life and not have him as a friend, the person can remain in your life, it’s all about different level of commitment and different level of engagement, you need to define it properly.

Q9. What do I do if I have an Ex who’s over familiar in public, am at a wedding for instance, friends and family are around, he comes and grab my ass and shoulder at the same time in a very familiar way?
A9. What do you do? You shock the system. You’ll have to introduce something that would cause him never to do it again, or maybe you give him a dirty slap, or you scream. You know, you must create a scene, a scenario or an experience that every time he remembers he’ll not do it again.
Q10. How do you handle ex that refuse to accept and admit that his era with you is over?

A10. What I’ll say is that the meaning of your communication is in it effect, you’ve not communicated well. If you really communicate, they’ll understand it’s over. Now 93% of your communication however, is none verbal, it’s not a function of your word, now 55% of your communication is based on your body language, 38% is based on your tone, which leave 7% to content, what you actually said, or 55% is based on your presentation, how you present your case, 38% is based on how the case appears and that is the perception that they get, which leaves 7% to what you actually said. Now a lot of people put much emphasis on the word they’re saying, they don’t lay emphasis on the 93%, and the 93% is the most important.

Q11. You haven’t spoken to your ex, you claim you’re over them and yet go on twitter, you follow them on face book, you text their family, you know exactly what they’re doing, you know their schedule more than they themselves, how do one get out of this circle?
A11. There are two things there. Most of the times, it’s not true that you want to stop it. Pursued they say is the proof of desire. What you do, tells me what you really want to do, and so if you’re doing that, it is most likely that you want to do it, and you can’t stop what you want to do. And if it happen that you truly want to stop doing that, and you find yourself doing it, then what it will require that you stop doing it is not in you, and so you’ll need professional help.

Q12. What about people who said they are over their ex, and they end up dating somebody, when you meet the person they’re dating, they look exactly ex, or act exactly like their ex?
A12. That person is creating more problem for him or herself, and for their relationship because they’re in reality dating the same person they claim to be done with in another person. And my advice for them is stop it immediately, because you would discover certain things that you’ll not be able to handle. Now a relationship is supposed to be open, and you should create enabling environment for openness and effective communication, you should ensure that it’s a non-threatening relationship, not the kind of a relationship that the guy is going to beat you, abuse you, and put you into abnormal use.

Q13. What is your advice for someone that was in a relationship that is over, you want nothing more to do with him, and may be you have business to tidy together or money, or maybe you leave in the same house or you share the same lease, how do you get the valuable property or money he’s owing you that you need from your ex?
A13. You see I say to people, what you cannot let go of don’t lend it. One of the various abuses is financial, one of the ways to lock you down and keep you in bondage is when they know that you like money too much, they want you to keep coming back, they want to have one over you, and they want to have that power over you. You got to be able to walk away. The person with the most power is the person that is able to walk away from the negotiating table, from the deal” you got to be willing to walk away, ten thousand pounds, you have to walk away. You may see it as a lot of money to walk away from Yeah, not walking away can bring more complication than you could bargain for.

Q14. Can one ask for financial favor from their ex? I mean finding yourself in a tight corner where you need urgent financial assistance?
A14. The quality of your network determine your net worth, the quality of your character determine how much credibility you have. Sometimes people get into challenges, nothing is wrong if you have a good relationship and a good rapport with your ex, and if it’s an ex that will not take advantage of you, and you’re not going to borrow that money for the right reason, because there are some people that are finding access, and they are looking for way to get back. So money is a tool and a means to get back. If you know that your need is genuine, and you know that you have that kind of relationship with your ex, then by all means you can. If your purpose and your reason is not genuine and you know that he’s not mature enough to manage that relationship and to keep it at the level of being platonic that you guys have gone into, then don’t do it. And you’ll have to check it out with your current spouse if he or she is ok with you going to seek financial assistance from your ex.

Q15. What do you do when your ex is getting married and you’re still single, and you have all these emotions and resentment, how do you manage that within yourself?
A15. It’s obvious that you have emotions you’ve to deal with from time to time. If you’re still emotionally involve with your ex, and you’re getting emotionally worked up that he’s marrying, some people advice that you go to the wedding and get over it, I don’t think so. What you want to do is to explain it to yourself and put it in perspective, if you cannot do it by yourself, talk to people who can help you. You just need to put it in perspective, and you’ll be alright because you’d broken up already, and you’ve the reason to do that. Your conflict is, maybe you made the right decision or not by breaking up with him, all the emotions that come with the idea that he’s getting married, that could have been me, then you have to remind yourself of the reason you broke up.

Q16. What about if he’s the one that broke up with me, I didn’t want us to break up?
A16. Then comes back to your self-esteem and your dignity, because if someone said “I don’t want you” it take self-esteem to have issues with that. Because you’d been with the person, you’ll miss the person, but somebody who does not want you is not fit for your life, that’s what it mean, it mean the person is not fit to be with you. You got to see it from that perspective, you don’t see it as a lost, and you have to see it as a gain. This person has looked at me and he said he cannot be with me that mean the person cannot actually be with me.

Q17. Is it okay to go to the wedding and raise my hand in objection when the priest ask for that?
A17. You would face the consequences of your action, in African you’ll face the consequences. Very critical is, you’ll need to ask yourself “Why do I really want to go for that wedding, what is the purpose for me going?” if you’re true to yourself, the answer would stop you from going, and you know, if you find the answer and you’re not being true to yourself, you need to have people you’re accountable to, good people. Because there’ll be some friends that would say let’s go and see what that girl is wearing, also your companions, friends that you keep may lead you to doom. So you must have a good friend that would give you intelligent advice and give you wise counsel. They said, “In the multitude of wisdom, there is security. It is ignorant that is our biggest enemy” “My own people are destroy for lack of knowledge” so said the bible.
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People break up for a variety of reasons, and each person has to deal with the break up in his or her own way by working through the anger, pain & grief. It is a process that takes one thing - time. Unfortunately, instead of people working through all the feelings of hurt, that come with a break up they jump into another relationship thinking it will make them feel better.

Others try to bury the pain and put on a brave face, thinking they can wish away the pain only to discover that it festers like a sore and will lead them towards a nervous breakdown if left untreated.

As for the last part of the interview, it got me thinking:

Tonway:

Q17. Is it okay to go to the wedding and raise my hand in objection when the priest ask for that?
A17. You would face the consequences of your action, in African you’ll face the consequences. Very critical is, you’ll need to ask yourself “Why do I really want to go for that wedding, what is the purpose for me going?” if you’re true to yourself, the answer would stop you from going, and you know, if you find the answer and you’re not being true to yourself, you need to have people you’re accountable to, good people. Because there’ll be some friends that would say let’s go and see what that girl is wearing, also your companions, friends that you keep may lead you to doom. So you must have a good friend that would give you intelligent advice and give you wise counsel. They said, “In the multitude of wisdom, there is security. It is ignorant that is our biggest enemy” “My own people are destroy for lack of knowledge” so said the bible.

What if the person trying to stop the wedding, is the spouse of one of those getting married? I mean, someone the bride or groom was previously married to, and had not yet divorced legally? Would it still be wrong for such a person to stop the wedding?

Just wondering....

laudate:
What if the person trying to stop the wedding, is the spouse of one of those getting married? I mean, someone the bride or groom was previously married to, and had not yet divorced legally? Would it still be wrong for such a person to stop the wedding?

Just wondering....

Guess that is okay. We've seen cases where a man travelled to another city to marry another innocent girl. In this case, if the legal wife gets to hear of it and raise an objection on the said day of getting to the city, I feel it's right.




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