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Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun - Jokes Etc - Nairaland

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Letter To Nepa & Sundry Jokes. . . / Chinese and Asian Jokes / Nigerian Jokes (2) (3) (4)

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Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by ilotriouzAY(m): 12:53pm On Oct 03, 2014
This thread is opened for jovial pple who wants to catch fun...

You can post ur jokes nd read new ones

Old nd New jokes allowed

remember laughter is d best medicine...lets av fun

let me set d ball rolling

SADE wrote JAMB thrice, so her MUM was worried. Sade had 2 leave 4 LAUTECH 2 visit one of her friends. So on getting there, she had malaria & was admited 2 LAUTECH teaching hospital. She called her mum 2 let her knw wat's going on...
SADE : Mummy, E kaaro ma.
MUM : Bawo ni o Sade, n'ibo lo wa l'atana?
SADE : Fine ma, mo wa ni LAUTECH, am on admission.
MUM : Eeeeh! Omo mi ti ri admission.
SADE : Nooo mum! Malaria ni mo ni o.
MUM : Malaria course ni won fun e? Olohun seun, kaa daada o...
SADE : Ooo..., bawo ni mum se n se bayii nah; anyway, Won ma discharge mi l'ola.
MUM : Ehn!!! Olohun ma je; 5 yrs ni waa lo.
SADE : Haaa...!!! Epe ree, e gba wa o...

Don't laugh alone,share urs too

TAGS doctorofgirls, rokiatu, naijaboiy, Logicalmindy, lirusehn, AbuMikey, Titiluvly, Missmossy, ivyy, farano, cococandy, Debbyug, Tannie, 3cycle, Romanciella, Padipadi, mukina2, Havilah93, fredoooooo, xynerise, chimerase2, M4gunners, ndidibabe, Idrismusty97, nonxo007, Tallesty1, DickDastardly, irishCream, Unibenstudent, bigtt76, Mynd44, Gboliwe, Firefire, Nobleval, SMALLPENIS, Superstar007, ggrin, Tval, lalasticlala, Blockus, Houseofglam7, okparaugo, Jennydoris, jideomowunmi, Aitee1, justi4jesu, KillerBeauty, saasala, mencade5, MizMyColi, UjSizzle, MrsBreezy

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Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by Tallesty1(m): 12:55pm On Oct 03, 2014
From the place I was sitting, I could here Logicalmindy and Missmossy trying to order something. It was late already.

My girls have already had some trouble making themselves understood when I go over to take one table’s order.

Me: “Hi, would you like to order some food?”

Mossy: “Yes, we would like food please.”

(There is a long awkward pause, until I realise they are not going to order on their own.)

Me: “So… what food would you like?”

Mossy: “Oh! I would like this. This is steak, yes?”

(She is pointing to lamb shank on the menu.)

Me: “Oh, no, that’s lamb. Lamb shank, it’s like a small leg. We have a steak just here, if you like?”

(She remains pointing at the lamb shank.)

Mossy: “So this… this is steak?”

Me: “No, no, this is steak…”*I point*“…and that is lamb.”

Mossy: “So this… what animal?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Mossy: “What animal this?”

Me : “Oh! Sorry! That’s lamb. Uh, sheep.”

Mossy: “Sheep?”

Me: “Yes, sheep. Erm…”

Mossy: “Maaaaaaaa?”

(I am puzzled for a second, and then realise she is making a sheep noise!)

Me: “Yes, baaaaa!”

Mossy: “Oh! Yes! And this?”

(She points to the steak.)

Me: “Steak. Cow.”

Mossy: “Moooo?”

Me: “Yes, mooooo!”

(She points to each successive meat dish in turn, and eventually I begin to make the animal noises before she does, to save time. I manage to keep a straight face, The guy takes over)

Logical: “And this?”

(Logical says as he points at the last menu item, which is a venison dish.)

Logical: “What animal, this?”

Me: (Oh my goodness, so the guy does not know anything) “That’s venison, which means deer.”

Logical: “Deer? What is deer?”

Me:“Erm…”
(I stop dead as I realise that I haven’t the faintest idea what noise a deer makes, and am certainly not capable of reproducing it.)

Me:“It’s… ah… deer… well, it’s… stag. You know, stag?”
(In desperation, I hold my hands above my head in the shape of antlers. He looks puzzled for a moment, then seemingly has an epiphany.)

Logical: “Ah! STAG! Stag…”

(He looks questioningly at his Mossy, and then at me, seemingly without getting the help he needs.)

Logical: “I… like… stag?”

(He did end up getting the venison dish, and was very pleased with it. Mossy had ‘chicken’ and was likewise satisfied.)

1 Like

Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by Tallesty1(m): 12:55pm On Oct 03, 2014
Here is an update on all that health stuff we keep hearing about!!!!!!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain. Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

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Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 1:57pm On Oct 03, 2014
Yes oo! I done show!
ilotriouzAY , I will post enough jokes for you, but modify your 1st post,its too long and would chase away 'customers of the thread'
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:13pm On Oct 03, 2014
Panku, a junior staff in an office dialed his boss’s number by mistake and said,
“Hey, send some tea to my desk in two minutes!”
The boss shouted, “Do you know whom you’re talking to?!”
Junior staff: No!
Boss: I’m the boss of this office!
Junior staff: (in the same tone) And do you know whom you’re talking to?
Boss: No!
Junior staff: Thank God. (and disconnects the phone)
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:15pm On Oct 03, 2014
At Yaba-left mental hospital, a mad man chases the senior doctor with a knife.
The doctor runs for dear life until he gets to a dead end.
The mad man stops and says;
“Take the knife, it’s your turn to chase me.”
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:30pm On Oct 03, 2014
Akpos at his heart surgery…
AKPOS: Doctor, I’m so scared, I’ve never done this before and I heard it has killed lots of people.
DOCTOR: You shouldn’t be worried at all.
AKPOS: But why doctor? (Akpos asked anxiously)
DOCTOR: Because we have a great track record in this hospital. Of all the surgeries that has been carried out in my hospital, only one person has been recorded dead before.
AKPOS: (feeling a little bit relieved) If I may ask, how many surgeries have you done so far doc?
DOCTOR: Well, Yours will be the second.
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:30pm On Oct 03, 2014
When Panku was little, he and his Father returned home from the hospital.
Panku: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: My son, carry on.
Panku: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored, or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Father: !!!??!!!
.
Haha!!.. wahala grin
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:31pm On Oct 03, 2014
A Nigerian Tourist went on a trip to China. While in China, the tourist was sexually promiscuous and didn’t use a condom at all. A week after arriving back home, he woke up one morning to find his joystick covered with bright, green and purple spots. In shock, he rushed to see a consultant at the hospital. The doctor, never having seen anything like that before, ordered some tests and told the man to come back in two days for the results.
He returned, the doctor said, “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.” The man looked a little perplexed and said, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.” The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We have to amputate your joystick.” He screamed in horror, “AMPU! WHAT? I want a second opinion please doc.”
The doctor replied, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.” The next day, the man seek out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his joystick and proclaimed, “Aha, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease.” The man said, “Yes, yes, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my joystick?”
The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed, “Silly docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate.” “Oh, Thank God!”, the man replied in relief. “Yes”, said the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait another couple of weeks. Joystick fall off by itself!. grin
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:33pm On Oct 03, 2014
A woman and a man wanted to have a baby, so they went to the doctor to see if there was a way.
When the doctor came in, told them about a new study that transfers all the pain from the mother to the father during delivery.
They both agreed to take part in the study. Later, when the woman went into labor, her husband was hooked up to the device to transfer the pain.
After it was hooked up the doctor turned on the power. The man didn’t feel anything so he told the doctor to turn the power up.
After the power was turned up, the man still couldn’t feel anything. The doctor turned it up more.
The man still couldn’t feel it. Finally, the doctor turned it up the whole way.
The woman delivered a beautiful baby, and neither of them felt any pain.
When they got home, the gateman was dead on the doorstep.
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:34pm On Oct 03, 2014
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s office.
“Why is your stomach so big?” he asks.
“I’m having a baby.” she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” she says.
“Is it a good baby?” he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” the lady replies.
“Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then what made you eat him?”

1 Like

Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:35pm On Oct 03, 2014
Akpos walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger. After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.
She couldn’t find the cotton wool, so she looks innocently at Akpos and takes his finger and sucks it. Akpos is so pleased, then he asks with a wide smile on his face, “Please I desire to have a urine test done too.”
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 2:37pm On Oct 03, 2014
Akpos is ill and goes to the doctor. He describes his illness…
AKPOS: Doctor, I am always feeling weak.
DOCTOR: (gives him some medicine) You must always take four tea-spoonful of this medicine before every meal.
AKPOS: Okay Doctor, but there is one problem.
DOCTOR: What’s the problem?
AKPOS: I have only three spoons at home.


More jokes later at night grin
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by ilotriouzAY(m): 2:58pm On Oct 03, 2014
SMALLPENIS: Yes oo! I done show!

ilotriouzAY , I will post enough jokes for you,aleast to make up for disappointing to make the Live Comedy show,but modify your 1st post,its too long and would chase away 'customers of the thread'

PS, the gender in front of those you mentioned wont make them see the mentions.

owk sir
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by ggrin(f): 3:29pm On Oct 03, 2014
grin me,myself and I na joke sef grin

2 Likes

Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by Tallesty1(m): 3:38pm On Oct 03, 2014
How I choose my Women

“Wow, you’re amazing!” she said after we made love.

“With qualities like that, you must drive dozens of women crazy.”

“Not at all,” I said, “in fact I’m very choosy. I’m only into women I can really talk to, for example about politics, psychology, art, science, music, classical ballet … in a word, a woman has to be highly intelligent to land in my bed.”

She was obviously flattered:

“So what impressed you most about me?”


“Your breasts, of course.”

*runs outta da thread*

1 Like

Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by SMALLPENIS(f): 4:05pm On Oct 03, 2014
Tallesty1: How I choose my Women

“Wow, you’re amazing!” she said after we made love.

“With qualities like that, you must drive dozens of women crazy.”

“Not at all,” I said, “in fact I’m very choosy. I’m only into women I can really talk to, for example about politics, psychology, art, science, music, classical ballet … in a word, a woman has to be highly intelligent to land in my bed.”

She was obviously flattered:

“So what impressed you most about me?”


“Your breasts, of course.”

*runs outta da thread*

*drags him back* ggrin tie him with rope, he done dey kolo o! lipsrsealed grin
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by ggrin(f): 4:11pm On Oct 03, 2014
SMALLPENIS:

*drags him back* ggrin tie him with rope, he done dey kolo o! lipsrsealed grin
I don grab hin lipsrsealedlipsrsealedlipsrsealed
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by KillerBeauty(f): 4:57pm On Oct 03, 2014
Only in NIGERIA

When you see a Nigeria couple outside staring at the moon it is either NEPA took the light or they are waiting for the insecticide to finish smelling.

You are watching a movie and its written '35 years later' and the dog in the compound is still alive. Just know that it is proudly 9ja #Nollywood

Stupidity is when you have a LAND rover and a LAND cruiser and you still have a LAND lord. You deserve to be LANDED a dirty slap

Proudly NIAJA

1 Like

Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by Millate01: 6:14pm On Oct 03, 2014
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Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by Millate01: 7:36pm On Oct 03, 2014
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Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by Nobody: 8:46pm On Oct 03, 2014
Tallesty1, nawa o. undecided
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by Tallesty1(m): 8:49pm On Oct 03, 2014
Logicalmindy: Tallesty, nawa o. undecided
Lols.....


Hope you are not angry with me??


Apologies if you are.
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by Nobody: 9:01pm On Oct 03, 2014
Tallesty1: Lols.....


Hope you are not angry with me??


Apologies if you are.


Lol. I am not sir. Just surprised. cheesy
Re: Nairaland Jokes-land...post Ur Jokes Nd Read New Ones Here...av Fun by chimerase2: 9:55pm On Oct 03, 2014
Hoe-kay amu cuming with a brown new joke undecided

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