1. Wizkid Syndrome:
A chronic tendency to create catchy and
repetitive hits to a loyal fan base with a boyish
charm that induces envy from peers and late-
bloomers, which also hides the fact, that one
is approaching quarter-life.
2. Davidotis :
A psychiatric condition whereby a sufferer
survives speculations of whether genuine talent
or one’s father’s wealth is the source of one’s
success, alongside a pervading comparison
with an equally talented whiz-kid.
3. Tuface Syndrome:
A rare syndrome that occurs when prodigious
talent meets prodigious baby-making ability
but with a legendary status, strong social
equity and a staying power that keep a whole
industry in awe.
4. D’banj Obsessive Disorder:
A disease characterized by the feeling that
one’s best days are firmly behind and, as a
result, one looks for outlets to compensate for
fading stardom and income, including taking
relief in farming-
5. Dangotiosis:
A condition marked by an obsession with
Dangote‘s wealth, only curable by a decision to
mind one’s own business.
6. Lindapilepsy :
A strong and strange resentment that occurs
when news of Linda Ikeji’s wealth arises, which
is commonly observed among struggling
publicists, jealous digital marketers, hungry
journalists, and retired or rival bloggers.
7. Iyanyamariasis:
The abnormal ability of a cell to spot errors in
its former ways before proceeding to create a
trademark style that takes waist gyrations to
nerve-racking heights with performances
worthy of Mr. Universe Pageantry.
8. Tontolitis :
The debilitating ability to sustain fame in an
erratic way as it was acquired while still
smiling to the bank.
9. PSquarisasis :
When two malignant cells take the
understanding of a market to unprecedented
heights resulting in a dominance previously
thought impossible and doing it with a
discernible Igbo accent.
10. Don Jazzy Disorder:
A disorder that makes an organ produce back-
to-back hits and maintain a social equity that
can embarrass pastors and politicians,
including a social media addiction and an
idiosyncratic singing style that impresses.
11. Kceeosis:
A cell’s ability to confuse celebrity with a right
to make embarrassing wardrobe choices and a
knack for coming out even more horrendous
than a previous time despite public outcry and
bile from popular bloggers.
12. Jenniferiasis:
The ability of an organ to exhibit behavior that
would ordinarily be considered razz to a point
where the lines between acting and reality are
blurred but compensated with popular
adulation and brand endorsements.
13. MIplasia:
A type of dwarfism that compensates the lack
of bone growth with incredible rhyming
prowess and a persona capable of inducing
endless admiration and beef from hustling
rappers.
14. Ice Prince Cerebral Cramps :
A disorder that causes exaggerated hip-hop
postures, a rigid conformity to infantile end-
rhymes that turn rap songs into mainstream
classics and also results in multiple awards
than most “serious” rappers.
15. Mode Complex :
An affliction that causes an artist to be the
default reference for prodigious & clever
wordplay that, sadly, does not correlate with
the amount of albums sold or account balance,
a living proof of the saying: ‘grammar no be
money’.
16. Dakolomentality:
A rare psychotic disorder that inflicts a
sufferer with unlimited guttural talent but
indistinctive brand positioning & packaging.
17. Olamide Palsy:
A malignant tumor that involves a blatant
display of one’s ethnicity and background
combined with traits mostly reserved for touts
but interestingly made into a premium musical
package that surprises earlier sufferers of the
same tumor who faded into obscurity.
18. Phynognomy:
A severe condition similar to Olamide Palsy
but with an Igbo flair and an ability to turn
what would have been a bad hair day for most
into a phenomenal signature look.
19. Bella Naija Syndrome:
An affliction whereby the Nigerian national
man-hour is spent keeping track of who wore
what to where until one wakes up to the
reality of a wasted lifetime.
20. Kedike Syndrome:
A syndrome that causes a sufferer to endure a
clean image despite the presence of a latent
sexuality which experts guess might lead to a
Rihanna Crisis or, in the extreme, a psychiatric
condition of Miley Cyrus proportions.
*Chris Ogunlowo is a Writer, Creative
Director and Principal Partner at Kwirkly, a
growing advertising agency. Twitter:
@chrisogunlowo

miplasia still gat me rolling on d floor..... A type of dwarfism #lol

Very funny ........or not

Rubbish nonsense... Extremely dry, I would rather Bleep a diseased turkey than to laugh at this junk

@op I appreciate the creativity.

I commend ur effort @ op