I read 2buff's thread, "Humility: The Lost Female Art" just under a year ago and learned a lot from it. Marriage was and still is a desire of mine and I noted a lot of changes in my life when I began to apply principles I learned both in that thread and from other counselors. However, I have also noted with concern that marriages these days simply do not seem to be lasting. I am approaching 30 and realized recently that many of my friends who got married around the age I wanted to - 23, 24, 25 - are now divorced. In fact, few in my age group who was married in the last 10 years are still married, and these are maybe three couples and a few others who got married in 2014. I remember one friend who got married at 25. We were very close and I struggled with her perfect engagement and marriage because while I was happy for her, I wondered what I was missing. Six years later, I was shocked to find out she has been divorced for about a year or so and is now the mother of one son. I remember one woman asking what is the difference between someone who gets married early, only to end up divorced, and the one who waits. The two are both in their 30s and single, one due to divorce and one due to a long wait, and so which one is truly better off? And then there are the threads right here in the family section that make one wonder if it is worth it. Rarely, if ever, do we see any posts where one spouse celebrates another.

I'm struggling to explain my thought process. But I wanted to ask, for those of you who have been married for long and are still married, what is the secret to a lasting marriage, particularly in our generation, where broken things are discarded and not repaired, feminism is rife, and marriage is under siege? What advice would you give those who are planning and those who are hoping to get married? What things did you do that, looking back, you would have done differently? What things would you have sought to find out?

Finally, how would you encourage those of us who know that "I have left [Me] seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him," yet struggle to sift through a multitude of professing "Christian" men (some of whom serve in church) who insist on premarital sex or cohabitation or even prenuptial agreements in order to initiate or proceed in a relationship?

Thank you and God bless.

May God give you a husband. That is my prayer for you. Trust unto the Lord to give you a good husband. Pray for it and believe believe believe believe will come to pass.
When you meet him may God give you the wisdom to recognize him.
When you get married may God give you the love, humility, patience and endurance that marriage requires.
Most importantly may God guide your speech because most faults and disasters come from what we bring out of our mouth.

Good marriages exist. I can testify to that. When I was young I longed and crave for love, I got disappointed too.
With my husband I came to discover that love exists and not just that it grows every day.
Love is such a strong and wonderful bond. Marriage can be so full of love and happiness and joy.

I got married at 33, so most of my friends that married at 25 are now divorced or something, single moms,
One that stands in my mind was a friend that looked down on me because she was planning a wedding, she gave me a card and was like when is yours, while she knew I was single like a dollar, then she gossiped even advising me on how to smile to get a man. Years later am married have a small family, that friend called, guessed what the wedding never happen the duded duped her, now at 38 she is still searching.
I have a happy marriage I pray everyday for constant blessing.

Miami11:
I got married at 33, so most of my friends that married at 25 are now divorced or something, single moms,
One that stands in my mind was a friend that looked down on me because she was planning a wedding, she gave me a card and was like when is yours, while she knew I was single like a dollar, then she gossiped even advising me on how to smile to get a man. Years later am married have a small family, that friend called, guessed what the wedding never happen the duded duped her, now at 38 she is still searching.
I have a happy marriage I pray everyday for constant blessing.

Nice story. People should learn from your story. No need to rush.

The foundation.

determination

Miami11:
I got married at 33, so most of my friends that married at 25 are now divorced or something, single moms,
One that stands in my mind was a friend that looked down on me because she was planning a wedding, she gave me a card and was like when is yours, while she knew I was single like a dollar, then she gossiped even advising me on how to smile to get a man. Years later am married have a small family, that friend called, guessed what the wedding never happen the duded duped her, now at 38 she is still searching.
I have a happy marriage I pray everyday for constant blessing.

so it's now by ur power or age DAT u ve a successful marriage?
sister, ur friend mocking at u earlier doesn't mean u shld mock at her now.


op, de secret to a successful marriage is God.
secondly, our ability to hear and obey God.

Applaner:


so it's now by ur power or age DAT u ve a successful marriage?
sister, ur friend mocking at u earlier doesn't mean u shld mock at her now.


op, de secret to a successful marriage is God.
secondly, our ability to hear and obey God.

Who told you I mocked her, I used her as an example because on top of mocking me she gossiped about me, do I have to feel sorry for her life, no I dont,
Do I know what the future holds for me no I dont, are you a prophet, heck no, so knock it off alreaDy.

jewel4Hiscrown:
I read 2buff's thread, "Humility: The Lost Female Art" just under a year ago and learned a lot from it. Marriage was and still is a desire of mine and I noted a lot of changes in my life when I began to apply principles I learned both in that thread and from other counselors. However, I have also noted with concern that marriages these days simply do not seem to be lasting. I am approaching 30 and realized recently that many of my friends who got married around the age I wanted to - 23, 24, 25 - are now divorced. In fact, few in my age group who was married in the last 10 years are still married, and these are maybe three couples and a few others who got married in 2014. I remember one friend who got married at 25. We were very close and I struggled with her perfect engagement and marriage because while I was happy for her, I wondered what I was missing. Six years later, I was shocked to find out she has been divorced for about a year or so and is now the mother of one son. I remember one woman asking what is the difference between someone who gets married early, only to end up divorced, and the one who waits. The two are both in their 30s and single, one due to divorce and one due to a long wait, and so which one is truly better off? And then there are the threads right here in the family section that make one wonder if it is worth it. Rarely, if ever, do we see any posts where one spouse celebrates another.

I'm struggling to explain my thought process. But I wanted to ask, for those of you who have been married for long and are still married, what is the secret to a lasting marriage, particularly in our generation, where broken things are discarded and not repaired, feminism is rife, and marriage is under siege? What advice would you give those who are planning and those who are hoping to get married? What things did you do that, looking back, you would have done differently? What things would you have sought to find out?

Finally, how would you encourage those of us who know that "I have left [Me] seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him," yet struggle to sift through a multitude of professing "Christian" men (some of whom serve in church) who insist on premarital sex or cohabitation or even prenuptial agreements in order to initiate or proceed in a relationship?

Thank you and God bless.

Hello darling, I do remember you. Your contributions to that thread were a breath of fresh air.

As I am not married, I will leave the first one to the people who have crossed that bridge.
As to wading through the waters of carnal brothers...

The most realistic advice I can give there is that everyone has things they are dealing with, whether they go to church or not. Paul confirmed that in his own case in the bible.
What truly differentiates a true Son of the kingdom from just another churchist, is the fact that they have not ACCEPTED that sin as normal, and in-fact, are constantly taking steps to fight it.

If the only single brothas you are seeing in your church are the kind who have gone as far as institutionalizing the sin as a pre-requisite to even engaging in a forward-thinking relationship with them, then my dear NEVER IN YOUR LIFE take these guys serious. Can two work together unless they be agreed? You want to walk with God through it all, and he does not. You will have temptations in your relationship, but if it is pointed out right there and then that he will not be interested in fighting them, he is not worth it.

You have a ministry. As long as God has called you to it, he will align everything in due time. Fear not.

In the mean time, don't limit yourself to a single neighbourhood. The man whose spirit God is stairing up to walk with you in the journey of life could be in another city, state or province.

...In the mean time...did you hear these sounds in the sky a while back in 2012?
https://www.nairaland.com/1821780/2012-heard-sounds-sky
Why are we only few that did?!

Well to me, secret to successful marriage is God,there are so many tins attached to marriage tins u don't even foresee,takes a lot of tolerance and maturity,avoid too much familiarity with extended family from both party as dey can be too nosey @ time and ur partner might not be comfortable with it,don't ever marry out of pity(just because u've bin 2geda 4 a while doesn't mean u must marry d person) marriage is sweet when u're with d right person

@OP:

Start by asking your friends with long marriages what made it last:

Also note that

1. what works for A might fail B
2. That a marriage is long does not mean it is healthy

Goodluck

mutter:
May God give you a husband. That is my prayer for you. Trust unto the Lord to give you a good husband. Pray for it and believe believe believe believe will come to pass.
When you meet him may God give you the wisdom to recognize him.
When you get married may God give you the love, humility, patience and endurance that marriage requires.
Most importantly may God guide your speech because most faults and disasters come from what we bring out of our mouth.
Good marriages exist. I can testify to that. When I was young I longed and crave for love, I got disappointed too.
With my husband I came to discover that love exists and not just that it grows every day.
Love is such a strong and wonderful bond. Marriage can be so full of love and happiness and joy.

Amen.

Miami11:
I got married at 33, so most of my friends that married at 25 are now divorced or something, single moms,
One that stands in my mind was a friend that looked down on me because she was planning a wedding, she gave me a card and was like when is yours, while she knew I was single like a dollar, then she gossiped even advising me on how to smile to get a man. Years later am married have a small family, that friend called, guessed what the wedding never happen the duded duped her, now at 38 she is still searching.
I have a happy marriage I pray everyday for constant blessing.

What happened to your friend is sad. Thank God you didn't rush. Maybe that's part of the problem.. people rushing into marriage before they know what they want and are called to - or rushing out of marriage without understanding it is no joke.

2buff:

Hello darling, I do remember you. Your contributions to that thread were a breath of fresh air.
As I am not married, I will leave the first one to the people who have crossed that bridge.
As to wading through the waters of carnal brothers...
The most realistic advice I can give there is that everyone has things they are dealing with, whether they go to church or not. Paul confirmed that in his own case in the bible.
What truly differentiates a true Son of the kingdom from just another churchist, is the fact that they have not ACCEPTED that sin as normal, and in-fact, are constantly taking steps to fight it.
If the only single brothas you are seeing in your church are the kind who have gone as far as institutionalizing the sin as a pre-requisite to even engaging in a forward-thinking relationship with them, then my dear NEVER IN YOUR LIFE take these guys serious. Can two work together unless they be agreed? You want to walk with God through it all, and he does not. You will have temptations in your relationship, but if it is pointed out right there and then that he will not be interested in fighting them, he is not worth it.
You have a ministry. As long as God has called you to it, he will align everything in due time. Fear not.
In the mean time, don't limit yourself to a single neighbourhood. The man whose spirit God is stairing up to walk with you in the journey of life could be in another city, state or province.
...In the mean time...did you hear these sounds in the sky a while back in 2012?
https://www.nairaland.com/1821780/2012-heard-sounds-sky
Why are we only few that did?!

Amen. Hey 2buff. Thanks. I've never been one to hold on/be attached to locations so thankfully that's not a problem. I try not to take them seriously; however, it is a struggle not to be discouraged when this type of man seems to be the norm and not the exception.

I didn't hear the sounds in the sky. However, I agree that that these are Matt 24 times.

todayguest:
The foundation.

Please elaborate

teeboo:
Well to me, secret to successful marriage is God,there are so many tins attached to marriage tins u don't even foresee,takes a lot of tolerance and maturity,avoid too much familiarity with extended family from both party as dey can be too nosey @ time and ur partner might not be comfortable with it,don't ever marry out of pity(just because u've bin 2geda 4 a while doesn't mean u must marry d person) marriage is sweet when u're with d right person

Thanks, @teeboo. Please elaborate; things like what? And how do you avoid too much familiarity with the in-laws without offending them/causing them to feel rejected?

bukatyne:
@OP:
Start by asking your friends with long marriages what made it last:
Also note that
1. what works for A might fail B
2. That a marriage is long does not mean it is healthy
Goodluck

Thanks @bukatyne. I agree that what works for A might fail B, and miserably so. However, if A and B both have strong marriages, I'm sure we will find certain common principles they both applied that stand the test of time.. those are the principles/modes of application I'm curious about ..

And I agree that a long marriage does not necessarily mean a healthy one, but in our generation where divorce is not a big deal at all, I think sticking it out says something..

jewel4Hiscrown:


Please elaborate



Thanks, @teeboo. Please elaborate; things like what? And how do you avoid too much familiarity with the in-laws without offending them/causing them to feel rejected?



Thanks @bukatyne. I agree that what works for A might fail B, and miserably so. However, if A and B both have strong marriages, I'm sure we will find certain common principles they both applied that stand the test of time.. those are the principles/modes of application I'm curious about ..

And I agree that a long marriage does not necessarily mean a healthy one, but in our generation where divorce is not a big deal at all, I think sticking it out says something..

Some of the important principles is being 100% honest with each other and freedom to express themselves without the usual husbands should do/be like this and vice versa.

Genuine love cannot be overemphasized and I will say just pick the theory of what you are taught in Church and modify it to suit your life practically.

Interesting topic; but the answers to me are very obvious. The most important decision is the proposal/acceptance itself. I mean choosing the right person. When you are with the right person who compliments and understands you; then things will be generally easier. And if I want to advice here, I will say marry your friend.

But before I continue, let me share two things that generally destroy marriages. Infidelity and Abuse. Both are a no-no. Nothing brings resentment, hatred and lack of trust like these two things. Once you marry the right person and can rise about infidelity and abuse, then you are half way there. The next big elephant in the room is ego aka pride aka stubbornness.

If you want to have a happy home, you must throw pride and ego out of the door - and this goes for both the husband and the wife. Marriage is not about proving points. It is not an institution where you have to claim all your rights. Some things are best overlooked and some battles are best ignored; because the cost of winning the battle could be too high. I am not saying you should become a fool - just saying choose your battles.

You also just need to focus on the big picture - your marriage and your partner. Do not let third parties distract you. Third parties being in-laws, friends, family etc. Never disrespect your spouse when you are with third parties. People treat your spouse the way you treat your spouse.

I have been married long enough to know that no problem is uncommon to man. What makes a successful or a bad marriage is how we react to these challenges. Each marriage would go through its own challenges - life just happens - but how we react to these challenges is what matters the most.

Lastly the cost of divorce is sooo high, it cannot be estimated. And the people that pay the most are the kids in any divorce; so I will advice anyone to try their best to make their marriage work - cos it can!

1c u do not marry for the wrong reason

Age has nothing to do with marriage, i know women that got married in their 30s and divorced just as I know those divorced in their 20s. Simple! Marry your best friend, that's all, it's easier to tolerate your buddy than just a ' husband '.


If you ask me, those in their 30s whose marriage is assumed to be made in heaven might just be sticking it out so the world won't laugh at them and they have waited so long for this, so letting it go is out of the question . A younger woman can start afresh if it crumbles. What you faced as a young bride is the same thing you will face as an older one, maturity is not age.

Thanks, @teeboo. Please elaborate; things like what? And how do you avoid too much familiarity with the in-laws without offending them/causing them to feel rejected?

Marriage is not a boyfriend and girlfriend thing,so many new habit both party will discover no matter hw long dey've bin in relationship,u've to learn how to respect each other,putting ur partner first in everything. On d extended family part,it is better to be save than sorry,when u avoid over familiarity u won't loose ur respect,u don't need to make them feel rejected,u take kia of ur own side while he takes care of his,u knw d nosey and troublesome ones in ur family and he knws d ones in his family too,when dey spend too much time with d couple dey start seeing oda party's fault start putting their nose where it doesn't belong,anytime dey come visit welcome dem well,and make sure u're not jobless,always appear busy,anybody dat want to visit me shuld be ready to sit @ home alone morning till night.

jewel4Hiscrown:


Please elaborate



Thanks, @teeboo. Please elaborate; things like what? And how do you avoid too much familiarity with the in-laws without offending them/causing them to feel rejected?



Thanks @bukatyne. I agree that what works for A might fail B, and miserably so. However, if A and B both have strong marriages, I'm sure we will find certain common principles they both applied that stand the test of time.. those are the principles/modes of application I'm curious about ..

And I agree that a long marriage does not necessarily mean a healthy one, but in our generation where divorce is not a big deal at all, I think sticking it out says something..

Marriage is not a boyfriend and girlfriend thing,so many new habit both party will discover no matter hw long dey've bin in relationship,u've to learn how to respect each other,putting ur partner first in everything. On d extended family part,it is better to be save than sorry,when u avoid over familiarity u won't loose ur respect,u don't need to make them feel rejected,u take kia of ur own side while he takes care of his,u knw d nosey and troublesome ones in ur family and he knws d ones in his family too,when dey spend too much time with d couple dey start seeing oda party's fault start putting their nose where it doesn't belong,anytime dey come visit welcome dem well,and make sure u're not jobless,always appear busy,anybody dat want to visit me shuld be ready to sit @ home alone morning till night.

Not married,but am enjoying people's comments.