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Bible Cracks - Religion - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Religion / Bible Cracks (1706 Views)

He Died For Our Sins...this Statement Always Cracks Me Up (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Bible Cracks by bigfather(m): 3:42pm On Nov 25, 2008
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.


Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
were all in one Accord.


Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q, Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"

KEEP SMILING!!!! cheesy smiley
Re: Bible Cracks by KunleOshob(m): 3:46pm On Nov 25, 2008
grin grin ;Dnice ones
Re: Bible Cracks by Recognise: 1:09pm On Nov 26, 2008
'
Re: Bible Cracks by Recognise: 1:13pm On Nov 26, 2008
deleted
Re: Bible Cracks by Recognise: 9:34pm On Nov 26, 2008
deleted
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 2:50pm On Jan 08, 2009
Bible Quiz

[list]
[li]Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar: he was on grass for seven years.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. Who were the happiest and blessed couple in the world?
A.  Adam and Eve. Neither of them had a mother-in-law.

Q.  What did Adam say to Eve at the first Christmas?
A.  Its Christmas, Eve.
     
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David: he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Q. Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!

Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck [/li]
[/list]

(P.S. Only those with a sense of humour may be able to crack these jokes)
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 3:29pm On Jan 08, 2009
"A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance"

Samson's swan song to Delilah in the link below:

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=4f3d0b9c1aa53e50ae95
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 4:27pm On Jan 08, 2009
Cyber Psalm

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart;
all of His commands are user-friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for His name’s sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of life,
I will fear no viruses, for He is my backup.
His password protects me.
He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
and my file will be merged with His and saved forever.
Amen.
Re: Bible Cracks by Tonyet1(m): 4:48pm On Jan 08, 2009
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 5:08pm On Jan 08, 2009
tonye-t:



Don't worry, be happy grin grin grin
Re: Bible Cracks by mantraa: 6:34pm On Jan 08, 2009
Samson and the prostitute!

This is soooo funny i almost fell off my chair!! grin

http://www.thebricktestament.com/judges/samson_and_the_prostitute/jg16_01a.html
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 4:30pm On Jan 09, 2009
Bible Knowledge Test

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in).

[list]
[li]1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2.  Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

3.  Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

4.  Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

5.  Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

6.  Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

7.  Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

8.  Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
9.  The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.  
   
10. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

11.  The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

12.  Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

13.  Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

14.  The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
       .

15.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

16.  He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

17.  Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

18.  When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

19.  When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

20.  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

21.  St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

22.  Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you
.
     
23.  He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.

24.  “It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the 
entrance.
       
25.  The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

26.  The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

27.  One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

28.  St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

29.  A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.[/li]
[/list]
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 5:09pm On Jan 09, 2009
E-mail

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he forgot his wife’s exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.”
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 6:30pm On Jan 09, 2009
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 12:06pm On Jan 10, 2009
Taylor Mason, the Christian comedian, ventriloquist, musician and entertainer.

http://www.godtube.com/searchv3.php?search_text=Mason
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 12:51pm On Jan 10, 2009
Watch a comedian comment on Muslim extremists:

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=3d89a76b25e0385681f0
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 1:16pm On Jan 10, 2009
Watch "the king meets the king", what if Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson had performed together? Here is the way Christian comedians, Bean and Bailey think they would have gone.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=0431d153e0cb75f4d4bf
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 1:22pm On Jan 10, 2009
Bulletin Bloopers
These are ACTUAL announcements from church bulletins:

[list]
[li]1. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

2. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

3. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

4. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

5. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

8. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

9. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

10. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

11. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

12. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

13. Evening Massage—6 p.m.

14. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

15. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

16. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

17. Ushers will eat latecomers.

18. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

19. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

20. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

21. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

22. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

23. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

24. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

25. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”

26. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

27. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

28. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

29. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why.”

30. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

31. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

32. Hymn 43: “Great God, What Do I See Here?”
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: “Hark! an Awful Voice is Sounding”

33. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

34. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

35. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

36. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

37. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

38. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.[/li]
[/list]
Re: Bible Cracks by AKO1(m): 2:09pm On Jan 10, 2009
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 2:32pm On Jan 10, 2009
Kid’s Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

[list]
[li]As you shall make your bed so shall you , Mess it up
Better to be safe than … Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the … Bug is close
It’s always darkest before … Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of … Termites
You can lead a horse to water but … how?
Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty
No news is , impossible
A miss is as good as a … Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new , math
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll , stink in the morning
Love all, trust , me
The pen is mightier than the , pigs
An idle mind is , The best way to relax
Where there’s smoke there’s , pollution
Happy the bride who , gets all the presents
A penny saved is , not much
Two’s company, three’s , the Musketeers
Don’t put off till tomorrow what , you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and , you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as , Helen Keller
Children should be seen and not , spanked or grounded
If at first you don’t succeed , get new batteries
You get out of something what you , see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind , get out of the way [/li]
[/list]
Re: Bible Cracks by olabowale(m): 9:33pm On Jan 11, 2009
@Olaadegbu: Good jokes, man. So I will help with a dose of reality. A muslim cleric went to see a Christian Reverend. So he said to the reverend, how are you and your family, wife and children?

The Reverend snared at the Muslim; it is unholy for me, to have a family. I neither have a wife nor do I have even a child!
So the Muslim man in a classic wisdom quizzed; if you find it unholy to have a wife or a child, imagine how it is highly unholy that God Almighty Creator should have either!
Re: Bible Cracks by olabowale(m): 9:38pm On Jan 11, 2009
A muslim in Brooklyn, NY asked his Christian neighbor, if sin is not result of disobedience of God commandment? They responded in the affirmative. So he gave them a dumbfounded question about what possible sin, could a new born baby might have committed to be qualified as a sinner, right from mother's womb?
Re: Bible Cracks by Recognise: 10:25pm On Jan 11, 2009
deleted
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 12:31pm On Jan 12, 2009
@Recognise, thanks and God bless you abundantly for correcting the misrepresentations, misconceptions and misunderstandings of olabowale when it comes to the reality of the nature of Jesus Christ and the Bible.  May God Almighty bless you with more wisdom and understanding in getting the message across.  In Jesus' name.

@olabowale, I hope the above response answers your sarcasms  tongue  You need a better understanding of our King.  Fasten your seat belt and hold on tight while you listen to a brief introduction of my King, I wonder if you know Him.  Watch the description of my King in the video link below.
 
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=572b18853b3948570fad
Re: Bible Cracks by olabowale(m): 2:34pm On Jan 12, 2009
@Recognise:

Heaven is the honeymoon of Christ and the church. Yall coming back to Earth
Posts: 64

Recognise, your signature in quote, truthfully betrays your lies and insensitivity to understanding. Hence, I am not surprised at your defense and effort to deflect the core process I put forward in my statement. Look at your insinuation that Christ and church are in honeymoon in heaven.

I wonder when the Church went to heaven; before Jesus was lifted, or lifted along with Jesus, or after Jesus was lifted? Note that I said Jesus was lifted. It simply means the lifting is by not the power of Jesus. But by another Power. That another Power Who lifted Jesus up to Himself is God the Creator. Jesus had no power of his own, except what God gave him to do a specific miracle at a specific time.


In other words; after Jesus had raised a dead person up, as a miracle to show that he was a prophet of God, I am sure if he could have the ability to raise dead people up, at will, every person with dead relative, freshly dead or long time buried and decayed would have besieged him to perform this miracle. And Jesus would have raised himself up, immediately that he had played dead on the cross, upon being placed in the cave.


We would not have to be arguing (lol; this is for you **Osisi, DavidDylan, etc) about a badly calculated 3 Jewish days, using any calender; Jewish or gregorian. And when a person dies, the blood does coagulate. Did Jesus blood coagulated? Was there any church erected, or known when Jesus dwelled on earth? Think man.


If Jesus and Church were to be honeymooning in heaven, then we must analyse this statement very carefully. Honeymoon is a word used for a period of ease before the beginning of expect heavy task in a process. A good example is the honeymoon in marriage. It usually starts the moment victory as in becoming husband and wife. The honey in it is the enjopyment of each other. The moon in it is the beauty of the moon. Afterall, no one can look at sun directly in a clear day. Yet the full moon in a clear night delights everyone. It shames the brightest star in its luster.

The honeymoon of Jesus and the church when its over, and they return to earth, I am taking it that you are now expecting the "killing field where the Jews are supposed to accept of dies?" Or do you have an exit strategy for us as in the "Jewish problems?"





« #22 on: Yesterday at 10:25:21 PM »

Quote from: olabowale on Yesterday at 09:33:16 PM

@Olaadegbu:

Good jokes, man. So I will help with a dose of reality.

A muslim cleric went to see a Christian Reverend.

So he said to the reverend, how are you and your family, wife and children?

The Reverend snared at the Muslim; it is unholy for me, to have a family. I neither have a wife nor do I have even a child!
So the Muslim man in a classic wisdom quizzed; if you find it unholy to have a wife or a child, imagine how it is highly unholy that God Almighty Creator should have either!



@olabowale

Touch not Olaadegbu my anointed and do my prophets no harm.

The Bible is not against having families - except if one is given the grace to be single.

How can it when the idea of family was instituted by God.

The stance of the Reverend in your sarcasm joke is based on a Roman Catholic church doctrine.

As it were, there is no denomination before God

Recognise, you miss the mark, by a decade. Its shameful that you think that I was attacking annoited (Christ) lol for sure, Olaadegbu. However, the issue at hand is how on earth do the Christians, not the Jews or the Muslims believe, if you use the Abrahamic "supposed monotheists religions as our example", that God Almighty the Creator of Adam, Eve in a different and complete being from the elements they are created from, needs to have a child, in order to institute Mercy, Forgiveness, Compassion, etc? Is that not the same God Who created the Angels, the heavens and earth, etc?

If a reverend thinks that it is beneath his own holiness or commitment to the primary focus of doing good, to have a child, I wonder how he and the Christian think that God Almighty does not deserve a higher Holiness, hence there should not be a question of His having a son. Afterall, there is no where in the Old Testament or Psalm, where God told any prophet (Moses or David (AS)) that His son, (a person who will be called Jesus/Chrsit) will be born. Or is there? If it was revealed so, the Jews have not used it.

But more importantly, the muslims, who have the "lastest" revelation have stated categorically that this idea of God having a child is completely false.




Quote from: olabowale on Yesterday at 09:38:28 PM

A muslim in Brooklyn, NY asked his Christian neighbor, if sin is not result of disobedience of God commandment? They responded in the affirmative.
So he gave them a dumbfounded question about what possible sin, could a new born baby might have committed to be qualified as a sinner, right from mother's womb?



Quick response to the above sarcasm joke with a simple analogy right up your alley.

In Microsoft Office, the normal.dot file is used to produce the *.doc files

When the Word application’s template (i.e. normal.dot file) sins goes corrupt, all future word documents files composed using the template automatically becomes corrupt as well.

This is regardless of the word doc files been brand new and seemingly without sin fault.

They inherit the sin corruption for the simply reason of getting composed off a dodgy template

First, I am not involved in computer business. I barely can do the foundamentals of it. Emails, respond on nairaland. Your assumption about me, clearly, again shows your inability to understand the underpinning message that I am relating here;

If I look at your analogy at face value, I will come up with the faulty designed of the computer and or software. We see that be does not have a 100% knowledge of computer, and other things. Definitely, when the product was first designed, it did not have any corruption in it, otherwise it would not have been introduced into the market. It is after it has been in use for a while that it acquired the corruptions (sins), but never before. You know no one will buy a faulty product at full price.

Now God Almighty is the Designer of man. He is a better Designer than the less than 100% of knowledge computer designer. Hence, you can not expect God to produce humans brand new, with sin hanging on our head even before we have a chance to begin to experience and make decisions about what is good or what is evil. Remember I was talking about a brand new baby, just born, yet unable to decide anything. Again do you have a computer product that it is taking into the market for the comsumers with corruptions, in it already? You think Microsoft will not make an immediate recall? Otherwise, some class action law suit will bankrupt that company in no time.

Recognise; ya got to recognize man!





@OLAADEGBU (m): « #23 on: Today at 12:31:39 PM »

@Recognise, thanks and God bless you abundantly for correcting the mirepresentations, misconceptions and misunderstandings of olabowale when it comes to the reality of the nature of Jesus Christ and the Bible. May God Almighty bless you with more wisdom and understanding in getting the message across. In Jesus' name.

That Dude, Recognise failed, terribly in his response. He lowered God to ordinary catholic reverends in his having or not having a child idea. Let me shock you a moment longer; since you guys believe that Jesus is also God. And God is father. Then it must be that Jesus is the father. Can Jesus be the son and father of himself? Can Jesus be the one who got his own mother pregnant (I never said intercourse is involved, here in this post. At least thats not my issue here, today), as the holy ghost, on one hand, but then turn the father responsibilily over to father, while he is the future baby developing in the womb? lol.




@olabowale, I hope the above response answers your sarcasms You need a better understanding of our King. Fasten your seat belt and hold on tight while you listen to a brief introduction of my King, I wonder if you know Him. Watch the description of my King in the video link below.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=572b18853b3948570fad

Ridiculous. I am with the Creator of Jesus. Jesus and me are both slaves and servants of this Great Creator. Are there more than one true master to any slave? If there is, each master would want his agenda to dominate the other masters. Each would be tryng to circumvent or undermine the other.

Allah says in the Qur'aan; and the meaning is: If there have been other lords, they would have gathered their strength together, in collaboration (since each would have failed independently) to try to overthrown (compete with) the Most Merciful. That statement alone destroy singularly, or collectively, the possibility of any one else, as a god or gods!


Yesterday, I was talking to a pastor, whom I told that daughters should have properties from their fathers; gifts while the father is still alive and share in the property or inheritance that he leaves behind upon his death. This pastor almost was in shock. Our friendly dialogue led us to marriage, whereby he said let man and woman leave their fathers home and become one.

My response to him shocked him even further, when I told him that daughters should never lose their fathers names, even after marriage. They should be called by their fathers name. It is the liberation of islam, which is the only religion that specified this "non-property" classification of the woman, even when she is married. Women are no property and should not be treated as such. I called muslim friends who told the pastor that their wives and mine still keep their father's names.

He had told me that it is not the same, in Christianity. I have asked him to show me from his Bible, where it is made a commandment that women should be the one that must adopt the men's family name and lose her heritage upon marriage. I am sure I will wait forever, unless a future Bible edition includes it. Can anyone help this pastor, please? I am certain that Jesus never told his "Jewish blood" desciples this. Well its very difficult to know what Jesus said, since his revelation has been corrupted.
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 4:30pm On Jan 12, 2009
@olabowale, all that must be the longest dry joke I ever heard.  Check out the link below for some sense of humour. wink

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=70e1e3956acba7f17be1
Re: Bible Cracks by olabowale(m): 4:54pm On Jan 12, 2009
@Olaadegbu: My jokes are not like the "Babasala" haha type. Also your sense of humor is not like that of mine. I am woody woodpecker, Speedy Gonzalez, The Simpsons, family Guy and American father type. I guess you are the Papeye and Bugs bunny type. Thats why you didnt get my jokes.

It reminds of Surak Kafiruun in the Qur'aan; Say, oh who disbeliever, I can not worship the god that you worship. Nor can you worship The God that I worship, !
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 6:29pm On Jan 12, 2009
A man decided to use a knife to cut his friend who was convinced that he is physically dead.  Instead of this man to be convinced that he was not dead after seeing his arm bleeding, he was rather more convinced that he was "deader than dead" as he proclaimed "so dead men do bleed afterall" shocked shocked  shocked

So, olabowale, until you stop using those Islamic glasses you will continue "to see men as trees" and your sense of humour as dry as the "woody woodpecker" tongue
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 5:38pm On Jan 13, 2009
Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest, with God, the Father as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pouring forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. "B-b-but how?" he stutters. "I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles. "Everybody knows that. Jesus saves."
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 5:45pm On Jan 13, 2009
Jesus is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he
pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you. "
The burglar relaxed.  "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are
any way?"


"Moses," Replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of silly people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name
a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!
  shocked shocked shocked
Re: Bible Cracks by OLAADEGBU(m): 5:50pm On Jan 13, 2009
God's Help!

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.

He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.

A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"

So the helicopter flew away.

The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"

Reluctantly, the helicopter left.

The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.

At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"

St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"

Author Unknown
Re: Bible Cracks by olabowale(m): 7:00pm On Jan 13, 2009
@Olaadegbu: « #27 on: Yesterday at 06:29:29 PM »

A man decided to use a knife to cut his friend who was convinced that he is physically dead.

How? Oh, the way you are convinced that a man in coma is dead, just because there is not a single sign of ive in him. I get it now, Olaadegbu. Your case reminded me of some young people who played dead to escape being killed for real, after their potential killer have taken shots at them at close range. The killer saw blood coming out. But God almighty Allah did not will them dead, yet. So he took all physical sign of live from them. At least the killer thought that he had killed them and there is no need anymore to waste the bullets in his gun. Any more shot would have been a waste and he did not want to make it messier than it was already. No overkill. It reminds me of Jesus, this scenerio, that is.





Instead of this man to be convinced that he was not dead after seeing his arm bleeding, he was rather more convinced that he was "deader than dead" as he proclaimed "so dead men do bleed afterall"

I am even more convinced that you don't know what you are talking about, after reading the above. Read it yourself. You destroy your own argument. The dismantling of your hypothesis of death when you just cant feel the pulses is my job. I dont need your help because you are doing a bad job at defending your position. i dont want people to think that i pay you off; tapping your plate.

When Allah told Muhammad (AS) to tell mankind that Jesus was not killed and therefore was not crucified on the cross, there was an uproar. It was a shot to the bowel of Christianity, the people in power compared to the just hand full Muslims suffering opprssion even in the hands of pagan Makkans.

In those days there were no stetoscope or other means to know if a personis dead or not apart from the obvious. A dead person at that time will be know because he was not moving or any noticeable signs of being alive is not coming from him. They are not probably familiar with fainting or being in coma. So many people who are not really dead must have been buried, if they were not as loved as people loved Jesus in his time. Can you imagine a poor man who was dead to the ordinary eye, but just in a coma? Wouldn't such a person be buried, quick?

Today's medicine just not accept a person is dead by just physical signs alone. It just does not accept that a person by just the fact that there is no reaction when he/she is pinched or a cut is inflicted on the body. But even with all the modern technology and its devices to make sure that a person is dead, often in more than few occasion have we heard of those people who came back from death after they have been presumed dead.

Ask **Osisi. Many Doctors have misread charts of patients. And they have been misdiagonised. Some have been operated on wrongly. So it is no surprise that in the days that medicine was crude, in the time of Jesus, just a simple spear to the side to test for death, can not, in today's medicine nbe accepted and assumed then, in the time of Jesus to have worked for everyone.

Do we even forget that this man, Jesus was a prophet of God? Haven't God performed many miracles through his hand? Please read your Bible to see where Jesus said that he was unable to do anything on his own, except that God Almighty helped him.




So, olabowale, until you stop using those Islamic glasses you will continue "to see men as trees" and your sense of humour as dry as the "woody woodpecker"

Whats an Islamic glasses? Oh. I get it. I am thinking that because I am accepting that Jesus dies because of the weak verification and i do not accept there are three personalities; father, son and ghost, is the islamic glasses? Nice one there.

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