We need to know the place of in-laws in marriage.By the privilege of my work (as a photogragher) I had heard many vow being exchange either at registry or the church and I understand that marriage entails man and woman cleaving to each other without interference either from family or friends.
the tradition as Africans is not helping as people refuse to understand that the husband and wife are suppose to be left alone in decision making. Mother in-law always want to interfere especially when it has to do with her son.
I am in one big challenge now but my mum refuse to understand that my wife is very. important to me.
I wish to learn more from experienced people cos my young marriage is stand.

Please the first and most important advice-
DO not talk much about your wife to your mother.
"I could have taken you there but I have to take my wife here...."
That is where the problem starts.
Mothers are very jealous, they don`t want to relinquish the number one position just like that.
So you need to make extra effort to be nicer to your mother now that you are married, then she will see that your marriage favors her.

Secondly tell your wife to pet her. If I hand you over my car I expect to be treated well, how much more my son.
No matter what happens, she should never be rude to her mother in law. Does not mean she looses her voice.

Hmmmm. Let your mother know you have a wife now by not involving her in all your issues. Everything has to be between you and your wife and don't use ur wife to spite your mother neither your mother to spite your wife. Instead let wifey bond more with your mother and above all let your wife be the centre of your passion

First you should know the issue is not between your mum and your wife. It is between your mum and YOU. In every marriage, you are supposed to draw a line between your parents plus siblings plus external family and your spouse. Since men are usually the ones caught in this you are supposed to draw a clear boundry between your parents (especially your mother) and your wife.

My mother is my mother and I will forever love her for being my mother. But my wife is my wife and is now my primary responsibility.

My family now is myself and my wife (and any kids that may come along). All issues affecting my family will affect myself and my wife first before it gets to my parents and as such all discussions are between my wife and myself ONLY. Only when a decision has been reached will the rest of the world know about the decision. How we reached that decision and whose idea it initially was is NOBODY'S business. My parents (and her parents) inclusive.

It is because too many people fail to create this boundries that in-laws continually interfere in marriages as per OP's observation.

"Ehhn it's my mother, I don't want people to say....."
"You know I don't want my mother to feel bad so let us just....."
"...afterall she gave birth to me so I know she has my interest at heart"
LOUSY EXCUSES! She was there when the priest/pastor said "a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife" so she no longer has ANY say in ANY matter beyond whatever advice any elder will give a younger person.

OP, I would like to have a clearer understanding of the issue on ground now. That will help us all advice you and others who find themselves in your shoes.

mutter:
Please the first and most important advice-
DO not talk much about your wife to your mother.
"I could have taken you there but I have to take my wife here...."
That is where the problem starts.
Mothers are very jealous, they don`t want to relinquish the number one position just like that.
So you need to make extra effort to be nicer to your mother now that you are married, then she will see that your marriage favors her.

Secondly tell your wife to pet her. If I hand you over my car I expect to be treated well, how much more my son.
No matter what happens, she should never be rude to her mother in law. Does not mean she looses her voice.

it begs the question - why are mothers very jealous?

Thank u @lewis theron.

The earlier guys accept the fact that they r married and their immediate family first the better.
Most of the marital squabbles we hv everywhere is caused by over clinging inlaws and children who refuse to grow up.

As soon as u call a spade a spade, every body must behave. This also goes to d wives too.

Infact, married folks should be left alone to navigate their ship as they deem fit.

coogar:


it begs the question - why are mothers very jealous?

Coogar, u r a bad brother, walai!
U just dey enjoy without asking after ur sis?
Chei! U of all people.
I will call a village meeting for u

coogar:


it begs the question - why are mothers very jealous?

I started managing to tolerate my mother in-law since my mum told me why mother in laws are most times jealous. My mum said its because they love their sons so much and gets afraid that his new wife might not be able to treat her son with so much care as she has over the years. She Advice we the wives to prove our mother in laws wrong by doing our best to make them know they can count on us. @ Op,I like the fact that you know what your wife means to you but with your wife and mother by you,its like you have two wives,do what can to make them both happy. Don't argue with your mum for your wife sake o,whateva mum advice,just say "ok" you don't have to do all she says,but always say"I have heard". And your wife,she should always respect your mum accordingly. No matter the querrels and issues with your wife,settle it within,don't always involve your mum. But your wife comes first

coogar:


it begs the question - why are mothers very jealous?

I started managing to tolerate my mother in-law since my mum told me why mother in laws are most times jealous. My mum said its because they love their sons so much and gets afraid that his new wife might not be able to treat her son with so much care as she has over the years. She Advice we the wives to prove our mother in laws wrong by doing our best to make them know they can count on us. @ Op,I like the fact that you know what your wife means to you but with your wife and mother by you,its like you have two wives,do what can to make them both happy. Don't argue with your mum for your wife sake o,whateva mum advice,just say "ok" you don't have to do all she says,but always say"I have heard". And your wife,she should always respect your mum accordingly. No matter the querrels and issues with your wife,settle it within,don't always involve your mum.

coogar:

it begs the question - why are mothers very jealous?

When your children get to that age you would understand.

A child you bore and raised, cried and laughed with, prayed for and hoped for. A child you accompainied every step of the way. Hoping that as the child gets older and you get weaker the bond will still remain and then a woman comes and wants to sever that bond not realising she too would one day be a mother -in-law.
Mutters suffer to raise their children that should not be forgotten. She losses something as you go to join with your wife, something more precious than a partner..

mutter:


When your children get to that age you would understand.

A child you bore and raised, cried and laughed with, prayed for and hoped for. A child you accompainied every step of the way. Hoping that as the child gets older and you get weaker the bond will still remain and then a woman comes and wants to sever that bond not realising she too would one day be a mother -in-law.
Mutters suffer to raise their children that should not be forgotten. She losses something as you go to join with your wife, something more precious than a partner..

why do fathers not act rabidly like most MILs then? you mean our fathers take no part in raising & grooming the kids too? most times, fathers contribute more to education & the well-being of the kids but we don't get to hear about husbands & FILs bickering like market women.

why don't we just admit women generally have attitudinal issues?

I started managing to tolerate my mother in-law since my mum told me why mother in laws are most times jealous. My mum said its because they love their sons so much and gets afraid that his new wife might not be able to treat her son with so much care as she has over the years. She Advice we the wives to prove our mother in laws wrong by doing our best to make them know they can count on us

so how come FILs & hubbies don't get low down dirty like MILs & wives? the only time you see a FIL getting involved is when his daughter is being abused by her husband. whereas MILs get involved whether the wife is saintly or criminal-minded.

it's got nothing to do with love - women are just naturally aggressive, outrageously hormonal with the annoying tendency to start a storm in a teacup. if you look at lower mammals too, female species are usually the most aggressive!

A mother looses nothing when her son gets married. After all, he most likely has not been living with her years before that time. A mother gains a new daughter when her son gets married. After all when he comes visiting (like he hardly did while a bachelor) he comes with the wife and soon the grand kids. It is that thinking that makes a mother hold tight to a son, causing friction in the son's family thus causing sorrow for the son ultimately causing sorrow for herself.

If she looks at the daughter as an addition, showing love that gets reciprocated (hopefully anyways), she increases her own joy.

If this explains better

LewsTherin:
A mother looses nothing when her son gets married. After all, he most likely has not been living with her years before that time. A mother gains a new daughter when her son gets married. After all when he comes visiting (like he hardly did while a bachelor) he comes with the wife and soon the grand kids. It is that thinking that makes a mother hold tight to a son, causing friction in the son's family thus causing sorrow for the son ultimately causing sorrow for herself.
If she looks at the daughter as an addition, showing love that gets reciprocated (hopefully anyways), she increases her own joy.

That would be any womans dream but is that the dream of the wife?

mutter:


That would be any womans dream but is that the dream of the wife?

When every (Nigerian) woman keeps hearing stories (mostly exerggerated) about the demons that are MILs......
Then they are "indoctrinated " into "attacking first"

I am sorry to say but I agree with MacLatunji. Women are their own worse enemies

I just got back to this thread, it's been very helpful.

mutter:
If this explains better

Did this same mother not care for her daughters?

clinik:
I just got back to this thread, it's been very helpful.

You are celebrating 5 years anniversary?

bukatyne:

You are celebrating 5 years anniversary?

yeah... we are five years already and we are very strong and doing sweet

clinik:


yeah... we are five years already and we are very strong and doing sweet

Cool