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Adjusting To Life As A Widower - Family (1) - Nairaland

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Poll: How has this thread helped you to appreciate your spouse better and positively affect your relationship?

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Wearing Your Wedding Band As A Widow/widower / Why Do We Have More Widow Than Widower? / Getting Married To A Widower (1) (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 4:07am On Jun 15, 2009
oyinda.:

i'm very impressed. you didn't say too much at all. everything you said are things that need to be said anyways. It definitely isn't easy to be a widow or widower in Nigeria or any country for that matter.
your kids are very blessed to have a father like you that's for sure. and some day, God willing, they'll also have a mother figure in their lives.

Amen. Thank you very much. I've since moved to the states and this makes taking care of my kids a lot easier. Nigeria can be a mad house for a normal couple, talk less of a single dad. However, God has been faithful and we are charting a new course for ourselves. God willing, I'll be able to tell a success story in the not to distant future. Once again, thanks Oyinda.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by tytylayor: 9:28am On Jun 15, 2009
serubawon:

On the contrary, even though it's been a while, I'm sure there are a lot of people going through the same agony and would benefit from your comments one way or the other. Going on 5 years now, still single and life with my kids is great. One day, she'll show up (I can trust God on that).

@prittigrrr
That was pretty encouraging. Gives guys like me some hope. Thanks everyone, this thread has been a blessing.

sorry, dnt know u r stll active, tot is one of those runaway posters, wish u all d best and God's guidance bringing up d kids
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 4:01pm On Jun 15, 2009
@serubawon-where in th US r u based?
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 4:15pm On Jun 15, 2009
prittigrrr:

@serubawon-where in th US r u based?

I'm in Houston TX. Right now it's so hot, Nigerian weather looks like a vacation. The only good thing is that even when you sweat, your cuffs and collars don't get dirty like almighty naija. what about you?
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 5:23pm On Jun 15, 2009
@ Tytylayor

I understand. There are a lot of those on nairaland. I usually don't contribute that much either. This is the 1st time I've been active on a thread. Hope it's for a good cause. Thanks.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 8:39pm On Jun 15, 2009
I am in Memphis, Tennessee. Houston is on a list of possible relocation sites for me. I love the city but it IS hot as hades.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 10:28pm On Jun 15, 2009
prittigrrr:

I am in Memphis, Tennessee. Houston is on a list of possible relocation sites for me. I love the city but it IS hot as hades.

Trust me. You have no idea how hot it is. We are actually approaching 100 deg F and climbing. It's after 4 pm here and we're still at 96 deg. What I wouldn't do for a thunderstorm right now. At least, it's not that cold in december (that's a plus). Why do you want to relocate? Houston has jobs, but the pay sucks. A lot of mexicans are making employers take on cheap labour. If you need info, let me know. Maybe I can help out.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 10:59pm On Jun 15, 2009
Yes, the pay is low in Houston, but better than pay in Memphis. The cost of living is low there, very close to what I pay now. I also have relatives there. Only 1 problem: I would have to take the bar exam there. I love the year round warm weather for my plants and flowers, though. But hey, it is super hot here in the summer too. I am interested if u have any contacts in the legal field or in the oil companies.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 11:21pm On Jun 15, 2009
FYI, it's 92 degrees today in Memphis after 5pm.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 11:52pm On Jun 15, 2009
Funny thing is I'm a geologist, but don't practice. i hate geology with a passion and honestly, I can't remember why I studied it.  I guess because of the usual naija problem: You study whatever they give you.  I actually had to turn down a wonderful job recently.  Can't discuss details here, but I turned it down because it involved me moving to brazil.

Why don't you try the classifieds in houston (craigslist). A friend of mine just got a position in HR recently and he's a lawyer.   Heard they were recruiting recently. Hope that helps.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by sosisi(f): 2:06am On Jun 16, 2009
wow prrttgrr and serubawom
I smell good chemistry.
Serubawom,you sound like a great guy and I pray that God will give you a good wife someday soon.
You need a help meet and a companion.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by ikamefa(f): 2:45am On Jun 16, 2009
$osisi:

wow prrttgrr and serubawom
I smell good chemistry.

Serubawom,you sound like a great guy and I pray that God will give you a good wife someday soon.
You need a help meet and a companion.

mrs love doctor grin grin grin grin nor be only chemistry,biology nko? grin grin grin grin
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 2:57am On Jun 16, 2009
$osisi:

wow prrttgrr and serubawom
I smell good chemistry.
Serubawom,you sound like a great guy and I pray that God will give you a good wife someday soon.
You need a help meet and a companion.

I don't think so.  If you've been following the thread, prittigrr's already spoken for and off the market.  She's already headed for marital bliss with a great guy, I believe.  For your compliments, thank you.  Marriage is fun. True, it has it's ups and downs, but believe me when I tell you that it is one of the most precious gifts God gave us.  It's really sad when you hear people talk about their nightmare experiences in marriage.  However, I must say I am one of the few people who enjoyed marriage.  It was short, but a lovely experience.  It's like taking your JAMB exam.  If you don't prepare and work at it, don't expect to succeed at it.  Even when you ace the exam, you still have more exams in the university to prepare for and pass and even after that, you have to prepare for life itself as a professional in whatever field.  It's a continuous work marathon, but each hurdle becomes easier to jump over because you're doing it with the one person that makes you fly when you only thought you could jump.  I don't care how long it takes, as long as it I end up with THE woman that would make it all worth it.  There I go again (talking).  Signing off for the day people. Stay blessed.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by beingme(f): 10:01am On Jun 16, 2009
u ve 2 move on with ur life
my mom lost her hubby 23yr ago and one funny thin is tht that marriage was 5yrs old.

she refused to remarry and was determined to train us up which she did.

u need a new life. u ought to move ahead with wat ur think is the best for u
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 7:04pm On Jun 16, 2009
Thank you for the heads up, serubawon. If you think of anything, let me know. I will give u my yim. I am in need of contacts or advice about jobs now.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by SUKKIE(m): 10:49pm On Jun 16, 2009
@tytylayor

I reckon this thread literally addresses all those who have lost a loved one along the line,hence it purges a lot of emotions. I'm glad for the poster's new lease on life.May God continue to uphold ur family. A childhood friend of mine would ve been a year older tmw,it pierces my heart each day cos we were like coin-joined twins. All is well.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by TOYOSI20(f): 3:45am On Jun 17, 2009
serubawon:

It's been a while since i've been on this thread. It's really nice of all the people that have contributed one way or the other. Well, fear not. I'm not rushing into marriage or anything. I owe my kids some quality time with their dad. Also, i actually posted this thread in 2006, so i'm actually 39 now. It's funny how time flies. It's been difficult, but God has been faithful. We'll see how the story continues. Thanks everyone.

You're right time really does fly. . . . .well first off i sympathize wid u on the loss of ur spouse. . . .

and i wish u all the best in raising ur kids, now and in future,

that being said, as far as moving wid a new relationship or trying to find anutha significant other, i say u take ur time,

do it at ur own pace, and don't rush things. . . .when the time is right u'll be ready!! smiley
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by beejaei: 9:15pm On Mar 18, 2010
May God help and be with you serubawon. This thread gives me a dose of reality and reawakened the human side in me.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 12:23pm On Mar 22, 2010
@beejaei. Amen, amen. Thanks for the contribution and God bless you too.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 11:09pm On Aug 18, 2010
I know this thread is very, very, very old now and I apologize for bring it back to life. However, my favorite uncle (he is only 7 years older than I am) lost his wife of 30 years. They married when they were barely out of their teens and it is like we all grew up together. He was blessed with a very good life and three children from her. All of the children are grown. She died from cancer and it was a horrible, slow and painful death. His wife died in May and I fear my uncle will drown in sorrow. He loved her so much and whenever I see him he is moments from crying. To make matters worse, two weeks after his wife died, we found out that my grandfather (my uncle's father) had terminal bladder cancer. My grandfather has deteriorated so rapidly it is unbelievable. It is just too much for my uncle and whenever he visits my grandparents, he has to leave the room to cry. I know it is because he just went through this with his beloved wife. We are all encouraging him to go to grief counseling but he has refused. Are there any suggestions from you NLs? Thanks in advance.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by likeme(m): 12:02pm On Aug 19, 2010
^^^^^, Print thiis thread and give it to him, I pray that God will strengthen him.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 12:19pm On Aug 19, 2010
@ likeme

Thank you for your prayers and your simple solution.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 4:26pm On Aug 19, 2010
prittigrrr:

I know this thread is very, very, very old now and I apologize for bring it back to life. However, my favorite uncle (he is only 7 years older than I am) lost his wife of 30 years. They married when they were barely out of their teens and it is like we all grew up together. He was blessed with a very good life and three children from her. All of the children are grown. She died from cancer and it was a horrible, slow and painful death. His wife died in May and I fear my uncle will drown in sorrow. He loved her so much and whenever I see him he is moments from crying. To make matters worse, two weeks after his wife died, we found out that my grandfather (my uncle's father) had terminal bladder cancer. My grandfather has deteriorated so rapidly it is unbelievable. It is just too much for my uncle and whenever he visits my grandparents, he has to leave the room to cry. I know it is because he just went through this with his beloved wife. We are all encouraging him to go to grief counseling but he has refused. Are there any suggestions from you NLs? Thanks in advance.

@prittigrrr. How are you. Long time no hear. When I started this post, I was really trying to face the reaity that I would never see my late wife again. That was painful enough. I was only married for 6 years and it hurt like hell. I can only imagine what your uncle will be going through after 30 years of marriage and I understand the fact that his emotions are overwhelming him right now. My little advice? Please tell your uncle that it's a situation where the pain never goes away. However, God gives you the grace to bear the pain better day by day. It does get easier, but it never feels that way initially. What helped me was that I remembered a passage in the bible, Ephesians 5:20 which says "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ". It's not easy to thank God for a tragedy. On the other hand, you feel like accusing Him for allowing it to happen. However, when you think about it, I'm sure your uncle found it difficult to bear watching his wife go through all that pain and I'm sure he didn't want her to continue in that pain. The pain he feels now is the pain of her not being around and it makes you both sad and angry. God has a way of consoling people in different ways. The 1st thing is to accept the fact that she is gone and is NEVER coming back. Secondly, he has to release her, which is extremely hard to do. God's grace is more than sufficient, but it takes time for the wounds to heal. I've been widowed for about 6 years now and I still remember how happy I was with her. I'm not really sad anymore, but at least I can look back and thank God for the opportunity of her being a part of my life. I see her in my kids everyday, but whether I like it or not, I have to move on and that is the next step I'm trying to take (that's not easy either). Tell him to talk about her whenever he wants to. It helps a lot. Also tell him to begin thanking God for even taking her away. He'll be surprised at the way the healing process will speed up. Finally, he has to stop blaming God for whatever happened. Nobody can blame God for anything.

I talk to a lot of widowers and I've found out that experience is the best teacher (sometimes too painful). However, only someone who has passed through that pain can understand what it takes to offer comfort to another. I pray that your uncle will find happiness and peace after all this. Trust me, it's very possible. He just has to trust in God and He will see him through.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 6:52pm On Aug 19, 2010
serubawon:

My little advice? Please tell your uncle that it's a situation where the pain never goes away. However, God gives you the grace to bear the pain better day by day. It does get easier, but it never feels that way initially. What helped me was that I remembered a passage in the bible, Ephesians 5:20 which says "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ". It's not easy to thank God for a tragedy. On the other hand, you feel like accusing Him for allowing it to happen. However, when you think about it, I'm sure your uncle found it difficult to bear watching his wife go through all that pain and I'm sure he didn't want her to continue in that pain. The pain he feels now is the pain of her not being around and it makes you both sad and angry. God has a way of consoling people in different ways. The 1st thing is to accept the fact that she is gone and is NEVER coming back. Secondly, he has to release her, which is extremely hard to do. God's grace is more than sufficient, but it takes time for the wounds to heal. I've been widowed for about 6 years now and I still remember how happy I was with her. I'm not really sad anymore, but at least I can look back and thank God for the opportunity of her being a part of my life. I see her in my kids everyday, but whether I like it or not, I have to move on and that is the next step I'm trying to take (that's not easy either). Tell him to talk about her whenever he wants to. It helps a lot. Also tell him to begin thanking God for even taking her away. He'll be surprised at the way the healing process will speed up. Finally, he has to stop blaming God for whatever happened. Nobody can blame God for anything.

I talk to a lot of widowers and I've found out that experience is the best teacher (sometimes too painful). However, only someone who has passed through that pain can understand what it takes to offer comfort to another. I pray that your uncle will find happiness and peace after all this. Trust me, it's very possible. He just has to trust in God and He will see him through.

Hi Serubawon,

I am well. Good to hear from you too. How are your children? Are they liking Houston? I love Houston and should be there in September. As to my uncle, he is ooooo sad and yes, very angry. Some days he looks like he can fight the world. Then the next minute he looks like he will cry a river of tears. Another family friend told him to keep thanking God. He just said, "that just don't work." I am afraid he will drown in alcohol. He drinks more now and I have never lost a spouse so how can I console him?

I talked to him about how I met my ex (the widower I was planning on marrying--we broke up, but hey, life goes on) and all that he went through losing his wife. My uncle is blessed in that his kids are now grown. I told him he could find love again and live again but first I hoped he would take time out to heal. He has not said it but I believe he is angry with God. Many people tell you not to be mad at God but I believe sometimes this anger is normal. We are finite beings struggling to understand the will of an infinite God. Our minds do not know His ways. I pray my uncle will turn to God first to find the solace only He can give and then, in the fullness of time, the love that God gives to men through women.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by serubawon(m): 12:04am On Aug 20, 2010
@prittigrrr. Thanks. My kids are doing pretty well, getting older and basically driving me up the wall sometimes. I'm sorry about your relationship. The last time we chatted on nairaland, I was so sure that things were working out for you. Well, don't give up. I haven't. I can fully understand what your uncle is going through. However, one thing he has to realize is that everybody thinks situations like this happen to other people and then like a out of control dump truck, it happens to you and nothing is ever the same again.

I don't know if you would approve, but if you think it would help, I wouldn't mind talking with your uncle. Drinking only makes it worse and that makes you make bad decisions that really mess everything up. If you agree, just yim me and we can set that up. If you're going to be in Houston in september, holler at me. Let me see if your looks live up to your name. Take care.

1 Like

Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 3:24am On Aug 20, 2010
On top of it all my granddad died today. I will be back later NL.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by spoilt(f): 3:59am On Aug 20, 2010
@ Serubawon,
Prittigrr is now available. Are you? How about you guys hook up? Do it.
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by oyinda3(f): 7:46am On Aug 20, 2010
prittigrrr:

On top of it all my granddad died today. I will be back later NL.

may his soul RIP
and my condolences to your uncle

a way to look at the grief (and this also goes to serubawon) is to flip the situation. what if you had passed away before her and your wife is the one who has to bear all the pain of a widow?
by her passing away, this grief is taken away from her. you are bearing it for her and God will see you through.

this is a very good book to read about how many jewish ppl in concentration camps survived grief and pain during the holocaust. It also has a large section dedicated to helping ordinary people as you and me overcome loss and suffering. it's a very short read too and very recommended.
http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by chaircover: 9:25am On Aug 20, 2010
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by ikamefa(f): 4:29am On Aug 22, 2010
spoilt:

@ Serubawon,
Prittigrr is now available. Are you? How about you guys hook up? Do it.

^^^^^ " grin "

love doctors full hia oh! grin abi oh we wan carry cyber-ishafu(gele)! jare! cheesy
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by Ladyjide(f): 4:52am On Aug 22, 2010
Wow- this thread really touched me today cry. I hope you and your children are doing well!
Re: Adjusting To Life As A Widower by prittigrrr(f): 10:20am On Aug 22, 2010
@ Serubawon,

Sure, I think my uncle may want to talk to you on yim. That would be great if you would give me your info.

We had a family birthday party that was planned for my little neice on yesterday. My uncle came by with a lady. I hope this will help him. Sometimes it does help. Many times it does not. My grandmother came too. She surprised me and got dressed and got out of the house. So many of our kids hugged and kissed her and the other children followed suit. They climbed on her wheelchair and in her lap. She never would go anywhere without complaining. She was so used to granddad pampering her that she got used to just staying home and worrying the heck out of him. LOL. Once he got sick, she began to rise to the ocasion. I only hate granddad was too sick to fully enjoy her attentions; but, I am so glad they had each other for 64 years. God was good to us to let us have them so long. I thought she would roll up and die when he died but she is pushing on. I teased her and told her, "Grandma, you are a single lady like me." She replied, "No. I am still MRS. JOHNSON and forever will be his wife. After a long life with a loving husband, that is a beautiful thing to day.

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