No matter how hard I try, I just can't get myself past the point where my voluntary muscles get relieved of active duty. Its becoming more and more obvious that sleep has sworn bitterly not to have anything to do with me, at least not this night. I can see it standing miles away, even in the darkness I can see it's enjoying this; watching me struggle to get close when each step only takes me further away. Sleep, this is not fair o, after all we've been through together, after all I've sacrificed for you, or have you forgotten so soon?

Have you forgotten the days when I'll be battling with an assignment around 10 pm and you'd show up, telling me in your sweet calm voice how you've missed me and would like to spend time with me at that same moment, and I'd heed your call even though the assignment was due the next morning?

How can you ever forget the day I was going to Ogudu from Ketu and you came to meet me in the bus, you spoke in your soft voice as usual, I heeded your call as usual and you enjoyed my company so much that you didn't leave me till the bus got to CMS? Do you even know the stupid conductor woke me up with a dirty slap? It took my left cheek 3 days to recover from the shock, only God knows what his palm was made of.

I can't believe you've forgotten one Sunday morning in church. It was Sunday school. You didn't even allow the teacher start before you came and took me away. The last thing I heard before following you on the journey into oblivion was Daniel, so when the teacher woke me up to answer a question I had not heard, thanks to you, I boldly replied "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.....and it appeared there was a fourth man with them". The whole class erupted with laughter and a screw seemed to fall out of the teacher's jaw; the lower one dropped mercilessly. The teacher's shock shocked me. "Ahn ahn....what I do?", I asked no one in particular, and of course got no response. It wasn't until after the service I learnt the question the teacher asked was who 'went in unto' Mary when she conceived Jesus.

So you've forgotten how my barber shop was closed down abi? I will remind you. I was sitting down 'jejely' in my shop that fateful evening, no customer had patronised all day and I was beginning to wonder if people's hair had just stopped growing. I was about taking my own hands into law by dragging people from the street into my shop and barbing their hair forcefully when this hefty man walked in, him and four other hefty men. At first I was confused; their heads were completely devoid of even the slightest modicum of hair and from the way their scalps glowed, I could have sworn they were born bald. Then in a moment of deific inspiration, the type that occurs only before an heavenly revelation, it occured to me; they had come to shave the hair on their manhoods. It made perfect sense. I always knew there had to be a group of people who go to the salon to shave their pubic hair, even though I had never heard any barber talk about it, they were probably just too shy to broach the subject. I decided I was going to charge them based on the size of their ding dongs and was about to tell the one closest to me to remove his trousers and sit right there when his voice stung my eardrums rather harshly,

"Are you the barber?" he bellowed.

No, I'm the executioner, kindly sit in the chair. Of course that wasn't my reply, although for split seconds I wished it was true, my eardrums deserved some justice.

"Yes".

He motioned to the four men behind him. Two of them left the shop while the remaining two stood at the door. I immediately sensed danger. Armed with my clipper and hair brush I stood alert, supossedly ready to shave the skin off the first son-of-a-goat to jump me (I still can't figure out what I meant to do with the hair brush).

The two men who left the shop returned, now with another man. I didn't need that deific inspiration this time to know he was rich; he reeked of opulence and I could smell his wealth from a distance. The hefty men were his bodyguards.

He strode in majestically without invitation and perched delicately on the chair without uttering a word, he didn't even reply my greeting. His hair was rich, dark and full, and you could tell he cherished it a lot with the way he kept checking it out in the mirror.

"So how do you want it done, sir?", I asked very kindly. Chai, if only this man would just notice my kindness and decide to help me just like I've been watching in Nollywood movies. He even looks like he has connection, he might just introduce me to top top people in the world to do their hair. People like Obama.....no o, I won't touch Obama's hair for anything in the world, that one would just send drones and war ships to take out my shop if I should mess his hair up. I prefer people like David Beckham, Bill Gates, David Cameron or even the Queen. Shut up slowpoke, the Queen doesn't barb. Okay maybe not the Queen, maybe Michael...

"Just trim it a little", it was one of his bodyguards replying me, "but make sure it doesn't go too low, dress it and then shape the edges, ok?"

I nodded and proceeded to work, wondering if the rich man was just too proud to talk or he was simply dumb.

I had not even separated the man's head from a strand of hair when you came, sleep. You sang your melodious lullaby, I danced to your tune and followed sheepishly behind you like it was some sort of somnolent ritual. Before long, I was in a realm characterised by snores and sweet dreams...but for a while.

I woke up staggering to the floor and landed with a bang, the left part of my face felt like it'd been hit by three speeding trucks. For a moment I lost control of my left eyeball, the thing was rolling everywhere in its socket. I had no idea what was going on, but the hefty men kept raining slaps and kicks on my skinny body. My attention got drawn to the rich man who was now yelling on top of his voice, I couldn't make out what he was saying because my hearing ability had somehow found a way to leave my body to escape the slaps, but from the way he gesticulated I could tell he was pissed, really pissed. With what was left of my right eye I noticed a kind of grand canyon had appeared in the middle of the man's hair, and it ran from the front to as far back as I could see. For the first time I, actually got the picture of what it looked like when God parted the red sea for the Isrealites to walk on dry land; there was hair to this side, and there was hair to that side, but the middle was but scalp. Not only did the men beat me to stupour, they also beat out my 'barbership' and I've never held a clipper since then.

So sleep, you better find your way here right now before I take this thing personal with you, I won't have you leave me now after all we've been through together. Respect yourself o.





HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Hahaha...as hilarious as I expected it to be. Laughs to start the year. Oshey!

SirElaw:
Hahaha...as hilarious as I expected it to be. Laughs to start the year. Oshey!

Thanks bro.....glad you enjoyed it

Now this is one funny write-up.....can't stop laughing

He never ever disappoint.

Thanks Nuges and welcome back

greysmith:
Now this is one funny write-up.....can't stop laughing

Lol....thanks

HumbledbYGrace:
He never ever disappoint.
Thanks Nuges and welcome back

Thanks a lot HBG. Came back to meet a mention in one of the pages of your diary...come and complete that statement o

Nuges11:


Thanks a lot HBG. Came back to meet a mention in one of the pages of your diary...come and complete that statement o

I don't have a diary

HumbledbYGrace:
I don't have a diary

31 to be exact??

Nuges11:


31 to be exact??

Gone with 2014...did you reply my mail?

HumbledbYGrace:
Gone with 2014...did you reply my mail?

No wonder I couldn't find it. I did ma'am...late tho

Nuges11:


No wonder I couldn't find it. I did ma'am...late tho

oh, I'll check it then.

Is that other story a short story like this one? If it is why don't you create a single thread like Efe did? Where you can post all your threads?

HumbledbYGrace:
oh, I'll check it then.
Is that other story a short story like this one? If it is why don't you create a single thread like Efe did? Where you can post all your threads?

I've actually never thought of that

I swear yours is the first literate joke I have laughed at in a long time.....

Uhn Nugges11, u won a competition n disappeared. Expected so much 4rm u after, well Royver kept d flag flying. Hope u back 4 good.

Elparaiso:
I swear yours is the first literate joke I have laughed at in a long time.....

I'm glad I was able to make you laugh bro

MumZ:
Uhn Nugges11, u won a competition n disappeared. Expected so much 4rm u after, well Royver kept d flag flying. Hope u back 4 good.

Sincerely ma'am, I expected so much from myself too after the competition, but so many things happened in 2014 that I can't talk about here...maybe in stories.
I'm back now though and I must say Royver has been doing excellently well. Thanks. Hope you enjoyed this one

nice one nugges11!
Expecting to read more of your works boss

Royver:
nice one nugges11!
Expecting to read more of your works boss

Thanks Roy, you'll sure get to read more soon enough.

Lol. This here is awesome. You are intellectual n hilarious

Cryxtal:
Lol. This here is awesome. You are intellectual n hilarious

Thanks ma'am