I feel like I have a hang over, even though I don't drink. I feel like my life is on roller coasters.  Yesterday was my mom b/day and I was planning a surprise b/day party for her - they surprised me instead. But before we get into the surprise let me tell you why my life is like a roller coaster.  You see, one day I am this pretty little girl in the BVI - the next day I am living on my own in New York City.

The innocent years

I was the 22 year old virgin.  Some people thought it was great, and others thought I was strange. They assume that since I was a virgin something must be wrong with me, but I was waiting for marriage. There's so much that I wanted to do sexually that I thought I would devour my husband when I do get him. In the beginning I was just busy with school and work so I just never had the time to go out and meet anyone. Since I was not the casual sex type it just never happened.  I thought since I lasted 22 years there was no way I was giving it up to just anybody. Hmm, it's amazing how before my situation was the norm, until that one day I seem to be a freak of nature because of "it".

God's promise broken (off with the purity ring)

I was 22 when I first had sex, which only lasted for ten months, meaning I only had sex for ten months in my lifetime, but I learned and experienced a whole lot, and I think I mastered it pretty well. Since I started late, I thought I would do some research and equipped myself. I joined a yoga class, ordered yoga and karma sutra video tapes and books. I was very wild sexually(not promiscuous), very flexible(doing yoga everyday will cause that). 

A day after breaking up (over the phone) with my first boyfriend in BVI, which he thought was just a fight. I was very upset, so I decided to go shopping, at any stores in Manhattan, which wasn't too far from where I live. I was looking hot and sexy as usual, wearing all black - my hair was looking nice and my make-up was perfect. I was single and felt like I was on top of the world.

After doing some shopping, I went to eat at one of the restaurants, and there I met this black guy I see everyday in the cafeteria at my job. My jaw almost fell off, mmmmmm, that day he was fiiiiine. I'm talking about fine, not just good looking, he was tall, with a nice smooth dark complexion, built, clean cut, goatee, he smelled so good, I liked the way he walked, and he was in a nice suit, he walked in and sat across from me. I was blushing, but tried to keep a straight face. A while after he was just sitting there reading a paper, he got up, I thought he was leaving, but instead walking over to my table. He officially introduced himself, as I did the same, then he asked why was a beautiful woman like me sitting here all alone. I, without any hesitation told him that I had just broke up with my boyfriend. He also shared that how much he admired me in the cafeteria but didn't have the courage to say so

We started flirting, I was all giggly, and he had beautiful teeth and a very nice smile, which was also a turn on. As we headed outside toward my car, he stopped, and held my hand, boy I thought I was going to melt.  After 4 1/2 months I finally gave in.  He was my first. I still blame the devil for having sex out of wedlock - lol.  Ok, the truth is I wanted to release some tension. I just wanted him but he wanted to experiment a mixed-color.  Later on in the relationship he told me how much he was in love with me after confessing his initial intention.  Love sucks and I am tired of being put through the ringer with a bunch of non-sense. I thought I finally found the right person for me but its all a joke at least I think so, maybe falling in love is scary and you try to avoid it to the best of your ability. Well I hope ability takes control cause I am tired and I don't think I can take much more of this.

Dear Diary:  Men are pigs, Who needs them anyway?

Back to the basic

I am not in a relationship and I have renewed my promise to God.  I still get calls from my ex's to know if I would reconsider - so tempting.  The thing is, even though I'm not sexually active, I still think about sex and still have feelings and my hormones are always acting up, and I'm still a freak, in reserve. Hope my future husband will be able to keep up, and be strong enough to handle me, and have what it takes, he better does.hahaha

My best friends and ex's find it hard to believe that I'm no longer active, they think it's a miracle. My new friends or new acquaintances think that I don't know jack and think that I'm completely clueless about sex, just because I don't brag or talk about it. I guess that's a good thing. Little do they know. Certain guys who see me, they claim that I'm a freak, when I ask them why they say that, they tell me it's because of my lips and my ass. Goodness, just like that, just for that, they assume that I'm a freak, I'm not denying it, but how can they tell when I never said a thing.  Oh well, yes I'm a freak, but a freak in reserve.  Hope I get married soon, before I explode - lol

The man I hardly knew but loved him to death

It is important to have a father figure in your life. mine got divorced from my mother when I was young. I mostly didn't think about what it would mean to have a father, because I didn't really have one who was there.  But as I grew older - I craved for my father's love. And I didn't see my real father much -maybe total of 2 (after he left my mom) as I was growing up. Mostly, communication was done over the phone. Honestly I had a bitter-sweet love for my father.  When I thought about him leaving my mother - I hated him.  when he told me stories about how pretty I was when I was a little girl and the time he spent with me - I fell in love with him over again.  The third time I saw my father was when his eyes were closed.  My mother married again, but I'll never consider that dude my stepfather.

Dear Diary: This is my confession.  I was the one who took my stepfather's cat to the other side of Peter's island since I hate it so much and wish it would die. When it disappeared for a few days, I was glad and hoped it died. Unfortunately my mom called and said " the cat came back".  Grrrrrr

Am I my brother's keeper

I still don't understand why my brother lied to me. I gave him anything he asked for, treat his kids as if they are my own.  Anyway he is paying me back my money in installment.  Last Friday, he sent me 500.00. I'll money gram that money to Nigeria soon.  My brother can visit me but he is not staying at my home again.

Dear Diary: I am tired of being used by people who have told me they care and respect me but i know in realty that they really don't and they are just using me. I'm tired of letting people played me like a fool. I'm tired, I'm tired and I'm tired

The crush (copied from my diary) I am just lazy to tell the story.

how can i like you when I haven't even met you. how can I picture my life with you, when I haven't met you. why do I dream about you everyday and every night, when I haven't even met you. why is it that reading your responses bring me closer to you. why is it that whenever I tell my friends about you, I am always blushing, and giggling like a school girl. why is that you have that effect on me. why is it that I try to get you out of my head, but I can't help myself. its like as if something is pulling me to him. he is driving me crazy, cause I know how I feel but I have no idea how he feels. sometimes I wished I was able to call or text him, just to see how his day is going, what he is up to. sometimes I get sad because deep down I have a feeling that our path may never cross, we might never meet and hold one another. we might never get to look in each others eyes, we might never get to play fight, we might never get to hold one another, we might never get to share a kiss. we might never get to be there for each other physically and emotionally, we might never get to dance with each other, go out on a date and spend quality time together.

[b]Dear Diary:  My mind is wide open - I've crushed the crush -Mind over matter.  [/b]

The Old Guy

My mother first introduced me to the old guy. I thought my mother was crazy. I am 27, he is 42. When my mom introduced me to him, she told me no matter what decisions I make in life make sure that I acknowledge this man. I asked her why and she said "the one that you love never marry to he - is the one that love you will make you happy.  Went out with the old guy and he seems ok. We talk a lot over the phone because he is there (London) and I am here.  I only met this guy in person once and I have been talking to him less than a month.

Dear Diary:  Why I am loving a man for the sake of my mother?

A friend in "need"

I used to have a very good friend whom I used to hang out and go places with, since I didn't have a boyfriend at the time. She was like a sister to me, go on weekend getaways, movies, parties, etc,  I was happy to have her as a friend, because I didn't need to have a man to go places with. Whenever we go out I'd meet and flirt with the cute guys of course.

I just thought that she was a very good and caring friend, she'd take me to work and come back to pick me up to take me home, sometimes she'd even spend the night at my place, and shared my bed, wore my clothes and all, she and I sometime shared the same bed. I saw nothing to it. Sharing the same room, bed, bathroom, walking around topless, since we were girls, and very good friends. Until, blah blah blah blah >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Talk about violated, betrayed, dirty, and disgusted. I couldn't believe that she did that to me, after I trusted her, and befriended her for 3 whole years. I did cut every contact with her.  Ever since then, I've been scared and unable to trust any girl, especially if they're friendly and touchy. Some girls are too slick, devious, and tricky, worst than some guys.  How can a woman put you through hell and still expect you to be there for her?

Dear Diary:  By some evil stroke of chance, i have caused a sweet little home to turn sour.  I've put a marriage in shambles.  I'm sorry. I overstepped so many bounds and made a good marriage turned bad. But i had to say something to the better half. What i thought was the right thing to do turned out to be wrong. I have destroyed a loving couple. I'd ask for their forgiveness but I am too much of a coward to do it. So I will go on in torment and deservedly so and I have nobody but myself to blame for the mess I made

12/15/08 Arrival of my family:

My mom is driving me crazy.  everyday is the same Bull Sh**.  I need my space so I can think outside the box - somewhere drama free.  Well, she is here to see the house at Pelham Parkway but she is irritating the hell out of me.  I can't wait until Friday for her to leave.  Anyway, today is her b/day and while she was doing her errands we were (brother and sisters by mom side) planning a b/day party for her.


fools rush in

All along I thought I was going to surprise my mom not knowing the joke was going to be on me.  You see, the same folks who helped me planned the surprise party for my mom were also planning a surprise party for me.  The idea was for my uncle to bring my mom into the room for us to say "SURPRISE".  My sister forgot  to pick up the b/day cake. we went to pick up the cake. Parked the car couple blocks from my home. my sister took the cake out the car and we walked towards my house.  As i opened the door, everyone shouted "SURPRISE".  I was like "wrong person" until I saw my mom and the old guy grinning from ear to ear.

Music playing in the background was "At Last" by Etta James when the old guy knelt.  My whole life flashed in front of me - I saw the beginning and the end.  They say you can't live without breathing but let me tell you this,  I was not breathing for some good minutes.  All i saw were lips moving - i heard no sounds.  I felt as if someone was strangling me. I read the old guy lips "Will you marry me".  Gasping for air I said "yes"   But what was I suppose to do?  My family and friends - his parents and brother were all there. I couldn't embarrass him by saying "NO"  T'was like dude, i don't even know you how could you pull a stunt like this?

Just my luck

I am not sure why but immediately i looked over to my best friend Musa (Moses in Arabic/Muslim) and our eyes locked as he walked out of the party.  You see, I invited Musa to my mom's b/day party.  Well, before I tell you what happened - let me tell you about Musa . . . . . . . .

"Musa is the nicest person you could ever wish to meet.  We worked together for about three (3) years before he was laid-off. He is the drinking buddy (no alchohol), the work friend, the best friend, the friend who knows ALL my secrets. He has the keys to my home. My family likes him a lot too.  A man of little words, very quiet, very respectable, intelligent, funny, smart, cute, handsome,  . .I can go on and on. Oh yea, he is the kind of guy you'll want to convert to Muslim for. lol. He always call me by my last name (not sure why) but that's the way he addresses me (Ms , ) Musa is half Nigerian, half Palestinian (quite a combination eh?) You'll only know he is mixed by looking at his hair and his eyes.  He is smooth black with piercing hazel eyes.  He is the guy all the girls of different colors and race want. Yet, he is never interested in any of them.

The moment Musa and i met, we connected but not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. To me, he is like my big brother who watches over me.  In fact, because he is such a nice guy i tried to hook him up with every single girl who wanted him - but he was just not into them.  Sometimes i'll joke and say "are you gay" .  He'll say "hmm" stare at me with his piercing eyes and a mysterious smile.  But I know he wasn't gay.  If you ask me, he is sly because i've seen him make moves on girls.  I guess he rather choose for himself."

Ok, back to my story: -

. . . . . .Finally i said to the old guy "excuse me, i have to go to the LR (ladies room)"  I grabbed my coat and snuck out of the "party". "Musa" I yelled - "whattup, why are you leaving -look, I had no idea this was going to happen".  He was like "wow!! Ms. . , I wasn't expecting this tonight maa'an"  I was like "yea, me too".  He shook his head and jumped into his van.  As he was about to leave - he rolled down his car window and said "Has it ever occurred to you that I am in love with you".  At that very moment, i wanted to stop the world and melt with him.  All along I had this itchy feeling inside just waiting for it to be scratched and for the first time I was able to scratch that feeling.  It felt damn good.

Dear Diary: I am at work today with a very heavy heart but I can't cry because of people around me. I hope I can hold up until I get home so I can cry my heart out. I am so sad, yet happy and confused. The old guy is in love with me but I want to be with Musa.

Biting my nails - how to tell the Old Guy?

How do i break the news to my mom and the old guy.  I have one day to do this (tapping my fingers).  You see its not as easy as Musa said. He said "just tell them or I'll come over there and tell them" 

I can' tell the old guy.  At least not with his parents around.  I think I'll wait until everyone leaves on Friday then i'll tell him.

Maybe i should hide a letter in his suitcase. . . . .naah, that's not nice

Action speaks louder than words.  How about wait until he is back in London then start ignoring his calls or when he call - slam the phone down.  naah , that's not nice either.

Tomorrow i should start some nit picking fights, get irritated over little things a lot - then say what I have to say. naah, that's childish

Tell him i hardly know him and what he did was wrong. Or maybe i should say -sorry, I can't marry you -here is your ring.  Ouch!!!


Dear Diary: I have to come up with a plan by tomorrow.  I have to  I have to.  Good night diary until tomorrow

i really want to reply this
there's just a lot to say
okay one thing


dont loose Musa
42 yr old man will get over it . . . eventually
ur family will come to understand also
Musa,
u might not forgive urself if u let him go
moreso u said u did like him

trust u'll do the best thing

Dinner at City Hall Restaurant
http://www.cityhallnewyork.com/index2.htm

It would be a shame to push away someone who loves you. But if you can’t love back anymore…only you would know that.  Life is really hard. For the entire day, I couldn't say what was on my mind - that is "I am not marrying the old guy"  Instead I went along with the dinner plans tonight.  I called Musa before I left for dinner. I told him that i didn't say anything yet.  He was like " Do what you have to do" and hang up.  he was mad 

During dinner, the old guy kept rubbing my back and stroking my neck.  He tried kissing me but i turned my head and i said "please not here" and asked to be excused.  I told my mom lets go to the LR.

I took the ring off and gave it to my mother.  Before she opened her mouth i said " i don't love him.  I don't know him.  I can't marry a stranger. I am feeling sick and I want to go home"  She was like " I have forgiven you for all the hurtful things you have done to me but before you put this family to shame i'll #$%^&^% blah blah #$%&*$%#$ blah blah blah" and stormed out the LR.  She must have told the old guy because he came looking for me. He was like "i understand this comes as a shock to you blah blah blah and he is not rushing me into marrying him blah blah blah and then he kissed me.  Trying to get a kiss, i told him i can't and my mom has something to tell him. I told him I am leaving b/c I am not feeling well (which was the honest truth).  He offered to take me home but i was like "please"  and left.

Dear Diary:  My mom said the weddings in the Bible were done without courtship and dating. Many times the people didn't even know each other and they worked out just great.  LMAO - crazy woman

Apartment 2B

I took a cab to Musa's (called him ahead) apartment and his mom buzzed me in. He came out and said something to his mom. I didn't understand but he sounded angry. You see,  I came to his apartment because i wanted him to know that i was not with the old guy. He turned to me and said "I'm coming back"  -  took his keys for his van/jacket and left.  Oooo-K, so I was left alone with his mom.  Well, to her I am like a daughter so I was kool.  Then she said "my son loves you"  I smiled and said "really". we both laughed.

She was like "I have a gift to cheer you up" She gave me a pair of earrings, a brassy hand jewelry and a beautiful decorative doll she made herself.  Ok, after she put on the hand piece/earrings in my ears, she rubbed her oily dirty hands in my face. I wanted to say "lady you didn't wash your hands after eating" - lol.  Ok, i know she is trying to be nice but the doll smell real bad. Tomorrow, I am going to give the doll a bath - she needs it. lol. In 30 minutes Musa came back to take me home.  We said nothing to each other on my way home. As i was about to get out his van he said " I am picking you up after work tomorrow"

My mom got home an hour later.  No good night whatsoever but "what's that smell"  - lol. I couldn't tell her it was the smelly doll b/c she'll know i was not sick per se and didn't come straight home.  she was like "i am changing my flight to Sunday because I'll be damn if you make an ass ouf to me.  You see, my mom side of the family has this thinking - "Keep the money in the family"  Meaning, the rich (with money) shouldn't marry the poor (little or no money).

[i]dear diary: I have to continue this b/c  i feel sick.  my face is as red as a boiled lobster and i am seeing two screens. lol

bluespice:

i really want to reply this
there's just a lot to say
okay one thing


don't loose Musa
42 yr old man will get over it . . . eventually
ur family will come to understand also
Musa,
u might not forgive yourself if u let him go
moreso u said u did like him

trust u'll do the best thing

War of the Roses L***hes

Oh, remember when I said my face was as red as a boiled lobster, well that's because my mom slapped me.  You see we got into a heated argument last night.  I said some pretty nasty things, especially to mom.  The all ganged-up on me and that pissed me off. My mom was like "If you don't shut up, I'll @#$%^.  I apologized for saying those things especially telling that man (father-in-law) about my mom's dirty little secret with the food and beverage manager she hired who happens to be BLACK.  I regret saying what I said.  Truth is even if most of them are true, it wasn't my place to say them.

C'mon, lets face it.  There are things people can control, your money, your education, how you wear your clothes but you can't control someone's feelings.  I don't care how rich and handsome you are. . . . . if you can't stimulate my mind, it wouldn't work.  I need a man who challenges my mind and send shock waves through my body.If i love a guy and he feels the same way towards me but didn't have much money. So be it. I especially wouldn't care if he was doing a career he was passionate about that didn't make much. I don't need someone else to pay for me. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. I'd rather have people appreciate my mind than for them to have me b/c i am much younger than they.  I am not going to be a trophy wife.   I'll rather live in an apartment, tree house or hut and rough it with someone that gives me butterflies in my stomach

I guess my mom was still angry at 3 am because she rushed through my bedroom and told me to get out of her house.  I didn't say anything.  I picked up my cell phone and asked Musa to pick me up.  My mom grabbed me by my hair and all hell broke loose. She won because I didn't want to hit her - after all she is my mother.  Well the neighbors turned their lights on, so you know what went down.  This time my brother was on my side.  I worked from home b/c of bruises.

They all have headaches and not saying anything to me. My mom and her husband are here until Sunday. . . . .well that's what she said. The old dude is leaving on Sunday too.  My brother and sisters suppose to stay for Christmas but the way things are going they may leave too.

Dear Diary:  I love my mother dearly but it has been an uphill struggle to get along with her on certain things. It hurts me that I hurt her. Musa suggested that I stay with him until we find an apartment. The truth is I am not moving in with a man unless I am married- he is ready to marry me. I ask God for guidance because i am tired of pretending to be happy on the outside

mothers. . . .
we love to hate them but detest the fact that we just cant

My Final Chapter

Ok, my family especially my mother has become distant and cold so I got up early this morning and made b/fast for the entire family.  As I was putting some clothes in the washing machine my mom stood in front of me and said "maybe it was a mistake i brought you into this world and i would take you back if i could."  I pretend that I didn't hear her.  Laater I put my clothes in the dryer jumped in my car and headed to Musa's work place.  I am no stranger to his co-workers because we (my co-workers and his co-workers) all hang out on many occasions.  Took off my jacket and went inside.  Musa got up and say "follow me".  We went to the pantry and he was like "go home and change"  I was like "huh"   "You heard me" he said with a devious look.  In my mind I was saying "this guy got to be kidding".  I was wearing a low-cut skinny jean and a sweater.  The sweater didn't cover my tummy/waist so my navel was showing. I was like "this is not the first time you see me dress like this" He grabbed my hand, grabbed my jacket blah blah blah - Ok, I went home to change.  .

What I thought was going to be a date with Musa turned out to be a night of interrogation.  Instead of going out for dinner and a movie - he took me to his apartment. He escorted me to his bedroom and said "we have to talk"   After everything I told Musa about my mother its like he was siding with her -. . . . .   saying I am rude and very disrespectful to my mother/father in law. I spend too much time on the Internet.  I need to get my head together blah blah blah.  When I tried to tell him what my mom said to me this morning - he was like SHUT UP AND LISTEN.  I broke down in tears because I just couldn't believe a quiet person who suppose to be my best friend and claimed to love me is talking to me like this.  shortly after he took me home.  I apologized to my entire family including my father-in law and that's when I broke down in tears again. 

Dear Diary:  I am very very upset. Upset b/c no fellow ever talk to me like that before and get away. Upset because I didn't get to say what I had to say. Upset b/c I actually came home and apologized. I Feel so defeated and disappointed in myself

dunno how to say how i feel now. . .

bluespice:



don't know how to say how i feel now. . .

Yes, you should feel bad.  After all,  it was you who gave the advice.  I aint putting all the blame on you - b/c it was a trap. When i got home, i was like that damn bluespice and her advice Anyway,  Muza is still a decent fellow so lets end the topic here

Dear Diary:  Never take advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet. . . . errrr especially bluespice I am just kiddin eh

Peace

i promise ill not comment after this
but u sure didnt expect ur family to simply let u go easy. . .

pardon my insolence but u sound like a mature independent woman
why should ur family talk more ur mom pick who u marry?


ps: u really need not reply the last question


okay i was scared for a minute.
sure we'll end the topic here

bluespice

can't stay long.  Just logging on to say this to you. 

i think certain person is either on this forum or I am losing it.  see i got a call early this morning.  I quote " i am saying this to you again, you are spending too much time on the internet" (angry voice)

I don't think he meant my blog because I only posted 3 items on my blog yesterday.

From now on, i am going to "behave" myself.  Try not to get into the "nauty" love conversations. Hmm, the romance section is so tempting-LOL    Or as mom would say "I have to make myself presentable"

Love and later
Cayon

he he he he


u've got a stalker
a nice one i suppose

im happy ur happy

Hmmm. . . . I'm thinking what I think I'm thinking? I mean, if there can be twins, then there can triplets, right?

WHAT WOMAN LEAVE A DECENT MAN TO BE WITH BLACK MONKEY? DO YOU THINK THIS BLACK MONKEY IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. HE IS IN LOVE WITH YOUR MONEY MS LYNCH

kay9:

Hmmm. . . . I'm thinking what I think I'm thinking? I mean, if there can be twins, then there can triplets, right?

the exact thought jumped

no actually leaped to mind

if i dint know better. . . . . . . .


just seeing all this today

@#$@%@^&@%!

i have being minding my own business for darn to long

think my new year rez would be to start minding for others again



cayon>. . . . . . . . . . . . .


nice writting

nice diary and now my unsolicited advice now


you sound indeed matured

notice you got tons and tons of patience

which me i lack ooo

but i think you have sorta limited yourself to the box

i.e,folks musa etc. . . . . . .

you need out from all of that

clean break ,what you are going through now isnt healthy

you work?

if yeah move out get your apartment and get you head straight

its your life afterall,you either choose to live it in prision,in the wilds or amongst the open stars

musa. . . . .i dont have anything against him. . . .have you seen this movie . . . . .not without my daughter. . . ?

think again


move out, break comm with everyone . . . .your mom owes you an apology for what she said

because such words can torment a child



thats my advice ooo

you dont have to take it afterall

the only thing i seem to be good at is ranting

comments are not allowed