My post may be long just bear with me.
I have a 12 year old niece who lived with me for 3 years until August last year. Her dad was a distant relative of mine who died some years back and I got to hear that the mum was struggling with 4 kids and not coping so had resorted to sharing her amongst relatives. So I took in this child then aged 8. She was not a house help. I have a set of twins who are still young and my job is unpredictable so I have always had a minimum of 2 househelps, adults paid more than minimum wage. She was in a private school, the kind where they do ballet lessons and learn to play the sax. We had our own share of spats in the house some I believe she was acting her age and some I believe we're as a result of earlier exposure to things like sex. But generally I thought all was well. This was until I came across her diary in May where she wrote about not feeling like part of the family and regretting the fact that she couldnt remember anything about her father, her mother or even her younger sisters name. I felt really bad for her and a bit upset myself. I then made sure she got admission into a school close to her mother and during the long vacation moved her back to her mums place. I am totally responsible for her upkeep, fees, allowances and all. She spent part of her Christmas holiday with me and will continue to spend some vacations with me.
However I can't help feeling like I have abandoned her somehow. Had I known what I do now, when I heard of her mothers plight I would have looked for a bulk sum and given the mother to help her business and chipped in whenever I could. But now I feel like I have disrupted her life somewhat. In my house as the only girl she had her own room, she was allowed a phone and a tablet during holidays and I tried as much as possible to give her the best I could afford. Now her mum is complaining that she complains of everything, her mums house, the neighbors, her sisters accent,the food they eat, the lack of some forms of entertainment she was used too and her Mum is getting frustrated with her.
My husband is of no help he just says she is your niece do anything you want I will support you. I think this Isthe best for her to grow with her mum, but I can't stop wondering if returning her to her mum is the right thing to do.

The girl is being a typical adolescent- confused, insecured and not sure of exactly what she wants. You can talk to her and ask her if she wants to go home to her mum or stay with you.

let her feel the family ways of life...

she wants to know d names of her sisters..mum...and anytin abi...good!!!

now is the time...let her be there..and fall in line with her family life style..so she wont forget were she hails from....

but later sha...go get her back..after some years she might have blend in...make she know your worth for her life...

am just happy u have a good husband that suports u in anyting good u do

it is clear obvious that you are a good person. You are a mother with conscience. returning her to her mother wasn't the best decision. I think, She's grown fond of the care you give to her and what she was lacking was that kind of parental bonding. I think you guys need to bond with her more. Returning her back to her mother wouldn't be in her best interest for now as she is already complaining cuz she can't really define what she wants cuz she is still young. She is getting care from you, what she wants is love and support.

God bless you for the help you've been rendering.

The truth is that she did not appreciate the life she had with you and your family because she didn’t know any different. At her current age, this is about the time she would be thinking she can take decisions and do things on her own. This brings out the rebellious spirit common for her age where she questions everything - the truth is that this is the time she needs you most.

Please, take her back. She needs the balance and now, she’ll better appreciate what she has against what she has lost. She can't get her father back, but your family can assuage that to large extent.

bennyrazz:
it is clear obvious that you are a good person. You are a mother with conscience. returning her to her mother wasn't the best decision. I think, She's grown fond of the care you give to her and what she was lacking was that kind of parental bonding. I think you guys need to bond with her more. Returning her back to her mother wouldn't be in her best interest for now as she is already complaining cuz she can't really define what she wants cuz she is still young. She is getting care from you, what she wants is love and support.

and who tells u she is not being loved by the family...

bia...listen

dat girl needs to know her family well...so that wen next she returns to paradise from hell....she will be great full....

else she turns into rebel!!!

Why is she complaning about her sisters and enviroment she was use to before.....is it because of the little exposure?

Exposure is good if it brings positive change but in her own case,it is making her proud and heady.

I had a cousin staying with us,because of the litle thing we could afford,he became proud and stubborn and will refuse to eat garri his mum will make. we had to send him back to his mum.

Please send her home.a child should never forget the kind of house she was brought up.

zeb04:
Why is she complaning about her sisters and enviroment she was use to before.....is it because of the little exposure?

Exposure is good if it brings positive change but in her own case,it is making her proud and heady.

I had a cousin staying with us,because of the litle thing we could afford,he became proud and stubborn and will refuse to eat garri his mum will make. we had to send him back to his mum.

Please send her home.a child should never forget the kind of house she was brought up.

had it been say u never get better person when de take care of u...i for find u see and marry u.......

chaii....correct post....

ya head dey dere!!!!

give her what you think she deserves which you are doing and not what she desires...
everyone cannot be satisfied not matter what...besides she`s still growing up.

continue to do your best but don't allow it weigh you down

the wrong you did was taking her in in the first place. There was nothing wrong with her home and all they needed was some financial support.
Now you have corrected the wrong you did. Yes you did it to help and it might have gone very well but the child involved is not very appreciative. No matter what you do for her, that is her kind of person and to be very fair most kids are very unappreciative.
This option of her coming occasionally is very wise. Let her stay with her mother. A child belongs to the mother.
You only wanted to do good but every help is not a help.

allycat:
My post may be long just bear with me.
I have a 12 year old niece who lived with me for 3 years until August last year. Her dad was a distant relative of mine who died some years back and I got to hear that the mum was struggling with 4 kids and not coping so had resorted to sharing her amongst relatives. So I took in this child then aged 8. She was not a house help. I have a set of twins who are still young and my job is unpredictable so I have always had a minimum of 2 househelps, adults paid more than minimum wage. She was in a private school, the kind where they do ballet lessons and learn to play the sax. We had our own share of spats in the house some I believe she was acting her age and some I believe we're as a result of earlier exposure to things like sex. But generally I thought all was well. This was until I came across her diary in May where she wrote about not feeling like part of the family and regretting the fact that she couldnt remember anything about her father, her mother or even her younger sisters name. I felt really bad for her and a bit upset myself. I then made sure she got admission into a school close to her mother and during the long vacation moved her back to her mums place. I am totally responsible for her upkeep, fees, allowances and all. She spent part of her Christmas holiday with me and will continue to spend some vacations with me.
However I can't help feeling like I have abandoned her somehow. Had I known what I do now, when I heard of her mothers plight I would have looked for a bulk sum and given the mother to help her business and chipped in whenever I could. But now I feel like I have disrupted her life somewhat. In my house as the only girl she had her own room, she was allowed a phone and a tablet during holidays and I tried as much as possible to give her the best I could afford. Now her mum is complaining that she complains of everything, her mums house, the neighbors, her sisters accent,the food they eat, the lack of some forms of entertainment she was used too and her Mum is getting frustrated with her.
My husband is of no help he just says she is your niece do anything you want I will support you. I think this Isthe best for her to grow with her mum, but I can't stop wondering if returning her to her mum is the right thing to do.

Let her stay with her mum and continue to support them just like you are doing. The things she is complaining of are material things. She should learn to appreciate the kind of life her siblings live. But you also need to talk to her about the diary you read...

You didn't do the wrong thing. Let her grow and bond with her family. At least she will understand better where she's coming from and appreciate your assistance all the more.

Her reactions are expected. She's just a child anyway and feels a little bit entitled. She will grow out of it and get more appreciative.

Just don't stop assisting

Confusion 101 common with people her age.

This story reminds me of a nephew my sis took in, about 10 years of age.funny thing is after like a year anoda family member went tp visit and asked this child about his family. He denied his parents in d village, acting so haughty like he has always lived a privileged life.
Dont know if its a need to blend in d city,or the child is one of.dose pple dt would grow up to be characters, claiming what they are not.

Yes you disrupted her life, twice! However I think you should not worry yourself about whether you are right or wrong, rather you should be concerned with if the girl is being treated well. You've done the best you can, the mother now has to brace up to the responsibility of raising the girl especially as she has your support.

Age of rebellion. They hate everyone and everything, they compare themselves with their friends, they have boy issues they think no one understands them, they want to wear clothes that makes no sense. They get on their parents last nerves, even their parents feel like running away and leaving them, they sulk without reason.
The age will pass, most times only the parents can be patient enough with them till they pass this stage, Leave her there and try to support her mom support her, she can come on holidays but this stage will take years to pass

Apart from the fact that her recent attitude has something to do with her age, it's not uncommon to see adults who should know better behaving the same way - being exposed to a privileged life makes some grownups develop that feeling of 'complex' towards their former way of life.

The child's case is not something to be worried about as she is still a dependant, sooner or later she will readapt - don't bother taking her back...you have done more than most people will, you can keep being a financial support however.

,

allycat:
My post may be long just bear with me.
I have a 12 year old niece who lived with me for 3 years until August last year. Her dad was a distant relative of mine who died some years back and I got to hear that the mum was struggling with 4 kids and not coping so had resorted to sharing her amongst relatives. So I took in this child then aged 8. She was not a house help. I have a set of twins who are still young and my job is unpredictable so I have always had a minimum of 2 househelps, adults paid more than minimum wage. She was in a private school, the kind where they do ballet lessons and learn to play the sax. We had our own share of spats in the house some I believe she was acting her age and some I believe we're as a result of earlier exposure to things like sex. But generally I thought all was well. This was until I came across her diary in May where she wrote about not feeling like part of the family and regretting the fact that she couldnt remember anything about her father, her mother or even her younger sisters name. I felt really bad for her and a bit upset myself. I then made sure she got admission into a school close to her mother and during the long vacation moved her back to her mums place. I am totally responsible for her upkeep, fees, allowances and all. She spent part of her Christmas holiday with me and will continue to spend some vacations with me.
However I can't help feeling like I have abandoned her somehow. Had I known what I do now, when I heard of her mothers plight I would have looked for a bulk sum and given the mother to help her business and chipped in whenever I could. But now I feel like I have disrupted her life somewhat. In my house as the only girl she had her own room, she was allowed a phone and a tablet during holidays and I tried as much as possible to give her the best I could afford. Now her mum is complaining that she complains of everything, her mums house, the neighbors, her sisters accent,the food they eat, the lack of some forms of entertainment she was used too and her Mum is getting frustrated with her.
My husband is of no help he just says she is your niece do anything you want I will support you. I think this Isthe best for her to grow with her mum, but I can't stop wondering if returning her to her mum is the right thing to do.

The girl does not know how lucky she is... some kids are hawking on the street of Lagos because they are with someone who isn't their mother or sister.

I must confess that you are a good woman with a good heart... some people would have flung that diary after reading it but you pondered on it. May God bless you and help you take care of your own kids where you can't help them.

aisha2:
Age of rebellion. They hate everyone and everything, they compare themselves with their friends, they have boy issues they think no one understands them, they want to wear clothes that makes no sense. They get on their parents last nerves, even their parents feel like running away and leaving them, they sulk without reason.
The age will pass, most times only the parents can be patient enough with them till they pass this stage, Leave her there and try to support her mom support her, she can come on holidays but this stage will take years to pass

I never had any of these symptoms while growing up... weird!

I have always been contented with what I have, even as little as a baby according to stories my mum said about me... weird, always the odd one among the lots lol.

2sExy1:
I never had any of these symptoms while growing up... weird!

I have always been contented with what I have, even as little as a baby according to stories my mum said about me... weird, always the odd one among the lots lol.

Lucky you and your parents lol

Thank you for your advice. Fortunately she is in boarding school so I beleieve the transition should be easier for her since she will still spend some holidays with us and some with her own family. She is an extremely intelligent child comes in the first 3 positions every term but her grades dropped this last term.I believe partly because she went from primary 5 (I usually frown at that but I didn't want her to be constantly much older than her classmates) but I also wondered if the adjustment also affected her. Sometimes you just need to hear from neutral people to clarify issues

bluedaze:

Let her stay with her mum and continue to support them just like you are doing. The things she is complaining of are material things. She should learn to appreciate the kind of life her siblings live. But you also need to talk to her about the diary you read...

Op this . She will still blame you eventually if you bring her home with you. A child belongs with her parent.