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Flow And Snow - Literature (13) - Nairaland

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Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 5:15pm On Feb 24, 2015
"Peter, Oga wants to see you in his office?” Kel announced as I entered the office that afternoon.

“wetin him wan see me for na?”





The last time he saw someone one on one in his office, that person received a dirty slap, the last but one time he saw someone else one on one in his office, he head booted that person.


I will never forget the day he head booted Segun.





Segun had just returned from work and Kel informed him the Boss wanted to see him in his office. According to Segun, the boss told him to seat down and to his surprise he offered him a Can of Malt. Drinking just a Can of Malt, Segun got drunk and started “yanning okpata”


***Anybody that doesn’t know what “yanning okpata” means should choose any of these options, option 1: go ask Barack Obama, Option 2: eat Spagetti combined with Paw paw combined with cake garnished with lollypop, your stomach go tell you the meaning***


This was what Segun told us transpired: “Sir the Malt is sweet oh, give me another one na” was what he said.

“you want another one?”

“yes sir!!!”

“ok, go to the fridge and take one”



He took two instead of one, hiding one in his back pocket.


“if you finish drinking, you let me know”





As d’umb as Segun was, he finished drinking the first Can and brought out the one he hid in his back pocket and started gulping down what tasted sweeter than honey to him right directly in front of our Boss with his leg crossed.




“Kel!! Come to my office with Segun’s Reports right away” The Boss spoke on the intercom.

“for my mind I think say Oga wan dash me money for all my good good reports oh?” that was what he told us he thought at that moment.



After showing him his numerous mistakes, he told Segun to stand up and come closer and he was aiming at the appropriate spot to head boot.


The head booting landed on the same spot that of the French footballer Zenadine Zedane landed but that of our Boss was harder and his head was bigger. While that of Zenadine Zedane just made the Victim go down, that of our Boss did not only make Segun go down, it gave him an indelible mark, as up till today, Segun never seize to have “six packs” as a result of the contours on our Boss’s head.

I was told after the “Kiss of life” Kel gave Segun, he sneezed back to life and demanded for more Cans of malt.


The boss was always fund of that, giving someone refreshment before punishing them, reminded me of drinking Tea and Four loaves of heavy punches from my Dad.






I was just 17 and I had started keeping late. So one night, I sneaked in by 12 and went to bed unnoticed, little did I know my dad saw me sneaked.



The next morning, he told me to make him a cup of Tea, which I did. After making the Tea, I served it in his
favorite Tea cup. Rather than drinking it, he offered it back to me to drink and I willingly drank since I
was on Milk strike since Mama Faka.




Mama Faka was the woman that sold adulterated Milk in several measures close to my house. I helped her fetched firewood she used in frying Akara one evening and as a reward for my kind gesture, she gave me a very big measure of Milk. I thought of what to do with the Milk, so I decided to drink Tea; drink Tea in a sunny afternoon. I drank the first cup, then the second cup, the milk tasted very delicious so I drank on.



I was sweating profusely, but yet I drank on. The more I drank, the sweeter the milk tasted.


“why Mama Faka milk dey sweet like this na?” I asked myself as i continued to the Seventh cup.


The milk Mama Faka gave me was enough for my entire family members to drink Tea every morning for One month; it was enough to fulfill the milk desires of my extended family members including my grandma that drinks milk only on Christmas.


I drank Mama Faka milk that afternoon that the colour Tv I was watching turned Black and White, I drank Mama Faka milk that as I watched the Tv I saw Michael Jackson as Tupac, and I said: “why Michael Jackson go barb him hair na?”.


My eyes shone! My legs wobbled! My Nose watered! My stomach ached! And to mention the least, My P’rick stood!



“abi Mama Faka milk don dey make person p’rick stand?” I asked myself as I saw Michael Jackson sang rap on the Tv.


Since I was home alone that afternoon, I built a two room apartment in the toilet, and the toilet seat was my waterbed.





Since that day, I took a very long break from taking anything milk, even it be Goat milk.











After drinking the cup of very hot Tea, my Dad told me to come closer that he wanted to give me pocket money. Since it had been some donkey years since I received any money at all from my Dad; not to talk of a money known as “pocket money”, I moved closer to him swiftly before he changed his mind.



Indeed he changed his mind, he changed his mind to giving me Four heavy punches and one slap for the road.


Road!! I saw two express roads on the right side of my brain after receiving the first two punches; Owerri – Aba expressway and Onitsha – Owerri expressway, after receiving the last two punches, I saw Lagos – Ibadan expressway and Badagry – Seme expressway. The slap that followed was really wonderful.


“if Soldier man slap you, you go know say Police is your friend” they say, after receiving that slap from a man that had spent 27 years of his life in the Army, I found bosom friendship in the Police Force.

The slap saw the Tea I drank came out through my Nose, and A’nus too.









“wetin I do na?” I was lost in my thoughts.

“abi I thief?” I spoke to the hearing of Kel.

“you no thief” She said with a smile.

“who put your mouth for my talk?”

“Peter, you should learn to respect me oh, I am your superior”

“and so what?”

“and so this.......” She brought her big a’ss towards my groin and twisted like we were at the club dancing.

“stop this thing……….”

“stop what?”

I wanted to answer ; “stop this thing you are doing”, but as she kept shaking her “heavy duty” on my “Big Bros” sending some sweet sensation to all parts of my body, I mistakenly said “continue ooooh!!”


“continue what?” She stopped.

“continue shaking that thing na”

“what thing?” She asked.

“this thing?” I pointed at her heavy duty.

“how will I continue when this your thing will keep eating food from other girls like Funmi, rejecting this delicious food I offer for free” Her right hand was on the “V” part of her body after dragging the “I” part of mine.



“Kel, you won’t understand……”


“Understand what?”


“Understand the fact that you prefer Funmi’s Wide hole to my Pot of honey, or the fact that my formerly sweet pot of honey now taste like Lemon abi?” Her hand was dragging my Big bros again, almost tearing it to pieces.


2 minutes later and my Big Bros was at attention with pains from all corners as a result of the dragging.










“you can go and see Oga now, the guest has left” and my Big Bros was still at attention.

“you say wetin? Make I go see am now?”

“go and see him na” she beckoned.



My Big Bros was not respecting me at all.





“Peter seat down!!” The Boss beckoned legendarily.






My Big Bros still respected me not.

2 Likes

Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 5:18pm On Feb 24, 2015
Sorry for the lack of update yesterday. 24 Hours failed me.
Re: Flow And Snow by tfabu: 5:40pm On Feb 24, 2015
lwtmb oooo especially the tea part
if soldier slap u,u go knw say police na your friend..LOL
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 6:08pm On Feb 24, 2015
tfabu:
lwtmb oooo especially the tea part
if soldier slap u,u go knw say police na your friend..LOL

tfabu i am happy you appreciate
Re: Flow And Snow by seuncyber(m): 6:30pm On Feb 24, 2015
Ope flow update

Nice one police is your friend oh
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 6:43pm On Feb 24, 2015
seuncyber:
Ope flow update

Nice one police is your friend oh


Police is your friend, and they say; "show me your friend and i will tell you who you are".
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 7:34pm On Feb 24, 2015
who will be kind enough to borrow me money, or better still dash me. I am in some financial bottle neck.




Just 5k



And urgent.
Re: Flow And Snow by Nobody: 9:13pm On Feb 24, 2015
flow1759:
who will be kind enough to borrow me money, or better still dash me. I am in some financial bottle neck.




Just 5k



And urgent.


Someone should pls help flow out,i wish i could but me neva get job oh
Nice update bozz
Re: Flow And Snow by waistaa(f): 10:51pm On Feb 24, 2015
And barrow jus spoilt ma 10k bet. *smh* I wanted to split d money into two,I dey broke n wivout a job. Am sorry
Re: Flow And Snow by waistaa(f): 8:58am On Feb 25, 2015
sadNa d financial help mke everybody run? O rukwa mma o
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 11:28am On Feb 25, 2015
waistaa:
And barrow jus spoilt ma 10k bet. *smh* I wanted to split d money into two,I dey broke n wivout a job. Am sorry


Chai!!!! na wa oh!!!!


Still i flow sha
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 3:12pm On Feb 25, 2015
Peter, how are you?”

“I am fine sir”

“this one you are sweating like this, are you hot?”

“no sir, I am even cold!!”

“You are cold and you are sweating?”

“I sweat whenever I am cold”

“hahahahahha!!! Peter you are really funny, are you a comedian?”

“yes sir, I was once a comedian, i am retired now”

“really!! Hahahahhahahh!”



“First of all, go to the fridge and take one Can Malt, so you will cool your body after a hectic day” The Boss offered.

“no, thank you sir, I am not thirsty, I drank about half carton of Malt on my way here” I saw his trick coming.

“what did you just say?”

“I said I drank half carton of malt on my way here”

“ehen! Is today your birthday?”

“no sir, today is my father’s birthday” I lied.

“really!!!”

“yes sir!”







“ehnnnnnnnn! Peter why I called you is because I want to tell you that…………………………”

“your services are no my required in this organization anymore, you are fired” The mouth in my head completed.



“……………………………………..you will no more be working here”



“yeeeeeaaaaaa!!! I don die oh!!! How I go take survive?”

“mo ti ku oh!!!” my tongue found Yoruba language.

“I don die oh!!!!”

“oga abeg!!” abeg I no go sleep with any of your pekin again, na them dey force me” I confessed my s'excapede in one sentence.






“you say what? Sleep with which pekin?”

“your pekin sir!! Na them dey force me, them no gree me rest”

“them go dey say na my sugar cane nahim dey sweet pass”

“really!!!”

“yes sir, them no gree me rest, me wey I don turn born again, them go dey make me sin against God”

“you mean am?” That was the first Pidgin English I had ever heard him spoke since “comotted it”





If the past tense of “remove” is “removed”, then the past tense of “comot” was surely “commotted” according to Mr Akeju.


He drove me in his Nissan Armada jeep to his house one evening after work, and as we got to his compound, he ordered that I brought out the sack of Dog fed from the car trunk.


I stood behind the trunk confused like the comedian Mr Bean would staring at his image in a mirror.

“where them dey from open this boot na” it was like his car trunk was different from many I had seen or it was like something held it back while i fumbled with opening it.


“Peter!! Can’t you open the boot?”

“I can sir” I fumbled with opening it, and i mistakenly slept of and fell because it just stopped raining and the floor was slippery.






Instead of my Boss to come help me get up, he came to were I lay helpless and said: “you want to open the boot, you didn’t comot the clip that held both sides abi?”

“why didn’t you comotted it?” He spoke it proudly like he was sure “comot” was a new Shakespearian word.

“I comotted it sir”









“so you have been sleeping with my daughters ehn!!!”

“your daughters!! Who told you that?” I came back to my right senses.

“you just said so now”

“me!! Said so? I didn’t say so oh!”

“are you trying to say I have hearing problem?”

“Yes Sir!!!............. I mean no Sir”

“what!!! you insult me?”


“tawai!!!!!!!” a hot slap landed on my face suddenly like film trick.



I instantly used my tongue to count my teeth and found out there were two missing. I thought i had swallowed two molar teeth, but my tongue later found them shorter.








My hands were on my mouth as I spoke what sounded gibberish; a foreign language.

"shesheshe she she sheshe she............" If you were there present you would had helped me complete it with the popular P-square song "she's on fire eeeh!! eeeeeeh!!! oh oh oh oh!! she no dey tayah eeeeeeh eh..............."



“Sir I swear I no dey sleep with any of your daughter, that thing wey I tell you now, e happen for one program wey I watch for Tv”

“program?” I saw fury in his eyes.

“yes sir! Tv program, Super story” Just one slap made me saw scripts of so many soap Operas.



I expected a 50kg weigh punch to be sent to me from my Boss as a "thank you" massage for lying, rather I saw a 100kg laughter.

“why you dey laugh sir?” I almost asked.




“hahahahahaha!!! Peter!!! You are really funny”

“I mean am oh” I saw I had bought him laughter, so I kept buying more.

“you never watch am? Them show am for Tv last week n...........”







“..................will you shut up!!” He ordered suddenly.

“you f’ool!!!!”

“sorry sir!!!”





“Come close, I want to whisper something to your ear” he ordered.

“sorry sir, i am sorry…………..”

“I say come here!!” He yelled.

“ok sir!!” I drew closer as I had already seen in my mind’s eye what Mike Tyson did to Evander Hollifield happening.

“I am very sorry sir!” I saw his teeth grew bigger.



“I say come here!!”

I was soon within range for a bite, then he yelled: “bring your ear!!!”, I had to choose between both ears which was better to lose; the right or the left, I chose the left because it had started failing me lately.






I closed my eyes and said a little prayer as I brought my left ear close to his mouth.

What I heard was; “you better be careful with women, they can kill!!”, then he laughed.











He continued laughing while I remained dumbfounded.













“seat down, lemme explain to you what i mean by - you will no more be working here”

1 Like

Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 3:16pm On Feb 25, 2015
waistaa:
sadNa d financial help mke everybody run? O rukwa mma o

yeah that's whats up! true friends are known in hard time(money time).






I STILL seize not to FLOW
Re: Flow And Snow by Deluxewize(m): 8:04pm On Feb 25, 2015
Mr Flow u truely always flow
Re: Flow And Snow by Ndukings92(m): 9:35pm On Feb 25, 2015
Deluxewize:
Mr Flow u truely always flow
am telling u
Re: Flow And Snow by seuncyber(m): 11:06pm On Feb 25, 2015
Omo see funny story

My belle want tear
Re: Flow And Snow by Melancholy(m): 11:15pm On Feb 25, 2015
Hmm, oya continue... Now a sigh of relief cos i cant imagine what flow will go through in the street of lagos amidst insufficiency. Next time u too dey wait make oga finish yarn nau.
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 9:16am On Feb 26, 2015
Deluxewize:
Mr Flow u truely always flow


Yeah, although there are few mistakes that i have corrected.

1 Like

Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 4:21pm On Feb 26, 2015
“you know we now have a different Registrar company that is supplying us parcels and letters to deliver?”

“yes sir, I know, Maestro Registrars”

“and you also know Sola has an office there representing us”

“I know sir, Is Sola dead yet?”



There is no gainsaying that Sola was a moving corpse. He looked so skinny that his skeletal structure was clearly visible. He had been working for Wilo courier/ Wilo Security Company for almost a decade, so he said.



I will never forget the day he passed out on top of a cup Garri in his office; that was when he was still working as the chief supervisor of Wilo Security Company. I and James were sent to go give him the salaries of all the Security Officers as it was end of the month.


We got there and met Sola munching Cassava flakes without Sugar.




Saying Sola had a national award of Member of the Order of Garri (MOG) is an understatement, he was the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces; with Forces: Garri Force, Groundnut Force and Garlic Force(GGG) as the three armed Forces.




I wonder why someone would find nowhere suitable but an Office to eat soaked Garri and Groundnut, I wonder why someone would prefer eating his Garri and Groundnut with nothing else but Garlic.


As a result of his everyday intake of Garlic, Sola’s mouth smelted like how four rotten Eggs broken in a Gutter somewhere in Mushin would smell.




I will never forget the day I tried the “medicinal” Garlic, I regretted it.



Oscar my friend in the University introduced me to Garlic saying; “Flow, try am e dey good for man, so that you go perform well for bed”

“you mean am?”

“yes na!! you no see as my babe dey love me everyday?” That was true, his girlfriend loved him, but loved what was in between his legs more.

In between Oscar’s leg stood “the rock Gebratta”.


I remember me and him taking our bath in the same bathroom at the same time because we were late for lectures.


As we entered to bathe, and Oscar took of his Boxers, I saw a very big Anaconda dangling.


“wetin you dey look, you no go baf?” was what he asked me.

“I go baf na”

“baf na, why you dey look my p’rick?”

“omoh mehn!! Your p’rick big oh!!” I exclamated.

“so wetin you want make I do, make I cut small give you?”

“no, I no need am, my own dey ok for me”






“but the thing dey smell for person mouth na” I received it from him.

“na the smell you dey talk abi na the thing wey e go do for your body?”

“abi you like as Kel dey complain say you no dey fit nack her for one hour everyday?”


Kel while we were in the University had once told me to satisfy her s’exual desires for one hour every week days and two hours every weekends except on Sundays that was my s’ex free day. Unlike Ugochi the girl I dated in Year one in school that wanted s’ex only on Sundays and Public holidays.


“I no like am as she dey complain na”

“ok if you no like am, collect more jor” He offered me about forty pieces of Garlic.

“you dey sell am wey you get am plenty like this?” I needed to ask.

“my mama dey deal on am, so as I travel for holiday, I pack plenty come”


I munched about Four pieces late at night before I slept as prescribed by Doctor Oscar; Garlic Doctor.


The next morning as I received an early morning phone call from Emeka my course mate asking if we had lectures that morning; I thought our suck-away had done its worse again.


“Morley!!! Our suck-away don burst again oh, I no get money to pay for suck-away again oh” I woke my roommate up.

He came close to me and said: “hmmmmmmmnnnnn!! Wetin dey smell?”

“na suck-away na?” I was sure it was the suck-away.



“mumu!!! Na your mouth dey smell, you don forget say you chop garlic yesterday night?” I thought i ate the Garlic in dreamland not reality.





I licked about Fifteen wraps of Tom Tom sweet on my way to school to reduce the stubborn smell, yet it increased. So I told myself I wouldn't talk to anyone throughout that day.



Lecture hall was very rowdy as usually, so I sneaked to my usually extreme left position to join Emeka, Richard, and of course Oscar; it was like he wasn’t on his usual Garlic designers perfume that morning.

Oscar’s face read: “Flow!!! You never see anything, your mouth go smell ehnnn!!”

While my face read: "you be wicked boy! why you no tell me say na like this the thing dey smell?"

I sat as quiet as a Dove on my own “jejely”.


“Flow you watch Arsenal match yesterday?” Richard the die hard Arsenal fan asked.

I responded not, so he tapped me on my shoulder.

“I no watch am” I wrote on a sheet of paper for him to see.

“wetin!! You no dey talk, abi you don turn deaf and dumb?”


“you see as Arsenal win Manchester city 4-0?”

Again I wrote on the same sheet of paper: “I no see anything”


“Flow wetin dey do you now, abi you no well?”

I kept quiet, listening attentively to what the Lecturer taught; nodding like I had suddenly started understanding Aerodynamics.


“talk na!! you watch the match?” He tapped my head.

“you watch the match?” he tapped harder.



“wetin be your wahala!!! I say I no watch the match na!!!” I yelled.


“hnnnnnnn!! Who mess? Hnnnnnnnnn!! Who mess? Hmmmmmmmnnnn!! Who mess?” was what I heard my course mates said, including Garlic Doctor Oscar who had recently received an “Oscar” award; Oscar award for “Best Garlic Practitioner”.







“hahahahahahah!! Peter!!! You have come again with your comedy, Sola is not dead”

“or do you want him dead?”

“no oh, I’m just asking, incase he dies, I have a cousin that designs Confines”








“he could design yours too”
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 4:22pm On Feb 26, 2015
update don show
Re: Flow And Snow by Mario1983(m): 5:20pm On Feb 26, 2015
nwanne wetin for updating
Re: Flow And Snow by Mayorblaze: 6:01pm On Feb 26, 2015
Kia..

Flow no go kill person with laugh ooo...

More grease to ur elbow
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 7:25pm On Feb 26, 2015
Mayorblaze:
Kia..

Flow no go kill person with laugh ooo...

More grease to ur elbow
Thank you
Re: Flow And Snow by Peterpan1(m): 8:57pm On Feb 26, 2015
[color=#006600][/color]Lwkmd, thank God am in the room before momsy will start asking questions.
God job flow, and PLEASE MORE UPDATES
Re: Flow And Snow by stuff46(m): 10:05pm On Feb 26, 2015
lol
Re: Flow And Snow by seuncyber(m): 12:52am On Feb 27, 2015
Floe what is the problem? Update is very slow

Keep the good work going


God will surely bless you
Re: Flow And Snow by Kunle106(m): 5:33am On Feb 27, 2015
Omo dis last update na die... I laff so tey tears dey comot for my eye.. Keep up the good work Flow, more data to ur phone.. Still you flow
Re: Flow And Snow by vera031(f): 9:14am On Feb 27, 2015
Love this update!!! Thanks flow. More ink to your pen!!!
Re: Flow And Snow by flow1759: 9:19am On Feb 27, 2015
seuncyber:
Floe what is the problem? Update is very slow

Keep the good work going


God will surely bless you


I will do my best
Re: Flow And Snow by 4kizo(m): 10:03am On Feb 27, 2015
chai,!!!! my phone don't fall for ground while laughing,
flow you too much
Re: Flow And Snow by Nobody: 12:00pm On Feb 27, 2015
I don laugh my kidney commit....guy u badt

1 Like

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