eROCK247:
Thumbs up boss! Ur updates just countered a stressful day...

I am glad it did. its a pleasure.

More update please

My guys think say I don't they craze all Thanks to flow. Keep flowing Boss let ur fans follow.






MORE PLSS

Abi them no go fit accept una for the Interview at K-Cee bar?

flow1759:



Make una no vex.

I wasn't able to update due to some network problem, i think from Nairaland.

Oh, oga Flow, I no bore o. I'm just awaiting another update. Carry on, sir.

Only job pursuit will make you wear suit and tie at 12:00 pm under the hot sun. Hmmmm. Anyway, still feeling the story.

I stood at the bus stop for about 2 minutes then a taxi came.

That was one thing i so liked about Port Harcourt. Unlike Lagos, where you stand for 24 hours in the bus stop before you get half a Bus or a Molue to board.






“oga enter!” the taxi driver beckoned.

As I was about entering something happened…………




My trouser was stuck to something and the next thing I heard was “braaaaaaa!” it had torn.

“who mess?” I heard one of the passengers in the taxi asked.

“na your fore fathers mess!” I almost said.


“oga enter na!!” The taxi driver said.

“Mr. man no disturb me oh, if you wan go, go” I was in fury, “you no see say my trouser don tear?”

“this your useless motor don tear my trouser!”

“sorry oh!” The driver came down to see the “scar”.


“for where e tear?” He asked.




That could only happen in Port Harcourt. In Lagos, a taxi tears your trouser what you will hear amongst others are: “you be m’umu boy, you no fit enter motor quick!”, “you dey do fine boy, how your trouser no go tear?”, “see him fake suit sef” and such and such.

Lagos na bastard mehn!



“oga sorry oh!” One of the passengers said.

“thank you!” And that is how Nigerians should behave.


“which kin motor you carry for road na? you no know say the motor body rough?” I queried.

“no vex abeg! No vex!” And that is how a Nigerian taxi driver should behave.

“no worry I go carry you go where you go sew am!” How I wish a Lagos Commercial bus or Taxi driver is reading this.

“abeg leave me jor!! Me wey I dey go interview” At that moment I glanced at the time, it was 12:25pm.



The scorching effect of the sun on me made me untie the rope in my neck called Tie.


“so how you go do am na?” The driver asked.

“I go manage am like that na” I replied.

What I wanted to manage tore wider than Pep Gadiola’s.

What I wanted to manage was as wide as my mother’s cooking pot.

And that suit was expensive; very expensive.

In the car stereo, the presenter of the lunch shift was asking callers to give her a description of their perfect man. I heard someone that called in said she wanted a Tall Dark Handsome and Rich guy, and I at that Juncture said to myself, do I have any of these attributes? No was the answer.





“dropping dey oh!” I informed the driver.

He parked well as I sluggishly alighted in other for my trouser not to tear wider.






My worst nightmare stared me in the eyes as I alighted; “braaaaaaa!!” it tore wider; wide enough to contain my big head.



What a life sef?




“oga eeehn! This your motor na bad belle oh!” I cried.

“ehhhn! Which kin bad belle motor I enter to so?”

“see na, the trouser don tear more!”

Tears almost role down my face.



When tears actually rolled down my gloomy face was when I dipped my hand into all four pockets to realize that my phone and wallet were gone.






“oga driver no vex abeg no be my fault na!” I said, “that guy wey sidon near me don thief my wallet and my phone!”

“how you take know say na the guy?” He asked.

“na him na! you no see say him get big eye?” Thumbs up to Segun Arinze.


“abi naso I m’umu reach wey I go forget my phone and wallet for house?”




Immediately I said that, I flashed back to Padiman.

What a life sef?



“Padiman don kill me oh!”




I remembered I held my phone and wallet in my hand while I and Padiman talked "Seminar", but as he handed the polythene bag for the meat to me, and on seeing it was a handful, I dropped them on the pavement and collected the bag.


The talk with Padiman so much engrossed me that I never remembered to picked up my phone and wallet from the pavement. I forgot!!



“Padiman don kill me oh!!” I cried.

Padiman and Seminar nailed me.




A Lady in the taxi was kind enough to give me more than enough money to take me back home after the interview.



I walked into the interview hall majestically, "tear-tearsticaly" I mean to say.


What my eyes saw shocked me.

MannyAgyeiK:
Only job pursuit will make you wear suit and tie at 12:00 pm under the hot sun. Hmmmm. Anyway, still feeling the story.

Yeah right!!

Read on.

Keep flowing

Keep It rolling boss flowee, we dey ur back gidigbaa. No mind bad belle people

Keep It rolling boss flowee, we dey ur back gidigbaa. No mind bad belle people

A hall of fame it was indeed. As I stepped into the hall, mehn! All eyes on me.


“why this one dress like this?"

“who be this one?”

“abi na him be the person wey go interview us?”

All that ran through their minds as they stared.

“ make una no look the way I dey waka, if I show una where my trouser tear wey make me dey waka like this, una go understand say an condition make Crayfish bend” I said within.


Bend! I walked as bent as Benji.

Benjamin was his name, but we preferred Benji for short. Benji was a tall handsome guy, but he had a very bad walking and standing posture.


Benji walked so bent that his entire body was always on “italics font”, even when he is in bed. A look at Benji when he walked could make the one with the gloomiest of mood smile, little wonder we christened him “Oga Bouncer”.

Bent structure was not all that made the girls fled from him, he was also a stammering machine. Benji stammering was World class and often times funny.

Funny in the sense that every sentence without a renowned “codey” added was incomplete. Such as: “co co co codey you no go chop?, “co co codey I was go p’iss”, “co co co codey I don mess”


But you dared not pronounce the “codey” for him. The last time my younger brother tried it, he lost a tooth.


That wasn’t all that made Benji’s case the worst, he also salivated and he was the baptismal pastor of the church The Saliva sprinkling and pouring Ministry.

Discuss with Benji for two minutes and you are baptized. Water baptism by sprinkling.

There was a day I sat while he stood discussing with me in an open clouded environment. That day I thought it was raining, drizzling I mean to say.


So I ask this Question to the Ladies reading, can you marry Brother Benji?











I was able to find a seat at the extreme left of the hall, so I settled quietly with leg crossed of course.

The hall wasn't too crowded, it contained about 25 persons with more males than females.


I thought of taking off my suit as I scanned through and saw there were a handful that dressed corporately and none dressed on suit.


In my mind I was crying bitterly for all I had went through all in the quest to get a job as a supervisor in a bar.

I thought of Padiman and Seminar.

I thought of the first “tear”.

Then the second “tear”.

And then my heart tore when I couldn’t find my phone and wallet.




“but wait oh!” I said to myself, “make I call my number see weda Padiman carry the phone abi him leave am for that Varanda wey I keep am?”


Since I had some money with me and the interview was for an hour’s time as announced, I walked outside to a nearby pay phone to call my number.

It rang and no one picked at first.

“my phone don go be that oh!” I feared, “them don thief am”

I tried for the second time, this time someone picked. A lady.


“you thief!! You better return the phone back to me” I was in fury, “or you die!”

“hello!! Hello!!”

“yes! I can hear you!”

“hello!! What are you saying? The owner of the phone is not around oh” She informed.

“who is the owner of the phone?” I asked.

“eeeehn Obinna!” She said.

“Now listen! Tell Obinna that if he doesn’t return this phone to the owner in the next two hours, he will die!!” I threatened.

“obinna!! Come and take the phone, someone wants to talk to you!” I heard her said.

“that is not my phone na!” I heard Obinna said before he spoke to me.

“hello!!”

“yes! Are you the thief that stole this phone from where I kept it?”

“now listen! If you don’t return it back to me in the next two hours…………!”

“you will die!” I spewed.

“me die!!”

“Flow! Na you be that?" The voice was sounding familiar.

“who is Flow?” For the first time since "fence s’hiting", I denied my nickname.



In August, our Toilet went bad, and I and my household adopted “fence s’hiting as the only remedy else we “s’hit on top s’hit”.

S’hit on top s’hit was another first from our Junior.

“oboy Shebi Landlord no wan call people wey dey park s’hit make them come draw s’hit comot for our soak away abi!”

“guy if him no wan call them, na for us to dey s’hit on top s’hit na!” Junior said.

“which one be s’hit on top s’hit na?” I asked.

“since s’hit don full everywhere na, na to the sh’it on top s’hit until no space for anybody to pass enter the toilet, until s’hit don block every where!” That was how bad our sewage system had gotten to.




I and Snow heed to Junior’s advised until something happened that made us stopped s’hiting on top s'hit and started “fence sh’iting”.

You wan know that thing wey make us stop?


Make I talk?

I know why I dey talk oh!


Na because if I tell una wetin happen to Snow inside toilet, some of una go vomit oh!

Make I talk?




Ok, I go talk, but not in full.









Snow slipped one day while he "s'hitted on top s'hit" and stamped his face on poo. In fact it was a poo baptism.

He was drunk though.






Sine that day, we found a new way to poo. Fossil poo.

Where climbing fence was required.




We started pooing on the next compound squatting on the fence.

It was a nocturnal activity and the part I liked the most was the air that blew into my a’sshole whenever I pooed and the sound the poo made whenever they landed on the grasses.

“braaaaakapo!” was the sound mine made.

“kpoedeommkoookop” Snow’s recited the first stanza of Swaziland national Anthem.

“potyreopehyndfmabetrehuywqaczx” our Junior’s.


The Landlord of the next compound warned and cursed yet we continued defecating in his compound and painted his side of the fence yellow.



Until one day…………………………


A knock was heard on the door, and I opened.

“are you Flow?” The Landlord of our s'hitting arena asked.

“me? Flow?”

“what is Flow?” I asked.


“you better answer and stop asking me useless question? what is your name?” He asked in anger.





“My name is Chukwuemeka Ogbonna!”

DonZaggy:
Keep It rolling boss flowee, we dey ur back gidigbaa. No mind bad belle people

Thank you for being at my back.

"but if you dey my back, i fit mess oh"

Ebei!!!!!! Hmmm, Flow, this your wahala is in verses and chapters like Bible. How all this bad luck go fit happen at the same time? Anyway, I was ROTFL at the last part. Wob3ka nokware. Why didn't you say you're Flow? Like you'll see... Anyway, ladies, please answer Flow's question: Will you marry oga Benji? Anyway, the story got me hooked like an Accra fisherman. Flow, wo y3 tough.

MannyAgyeiK:
Ebei!!!!!! Hmmm, Flow, this your wahala is in verses and chapters like Bible. How all this bad luck go fit happen at the same time? Anyway, I was ROTFL at the last part. Wob3ka nokware. Why didn't you say you're Flow? Like you'll see... Anyway, ladies, please answer Flow's question: Will you marry oga Benji? Anyway, the story got me hooked like an Accra fisherman. Flow, wo y3 tough.

Thank you.

So tell me more about the Accra fishermen?

flow flow flow
how many times did I call you
stop disorganising dis story
why on earth will an update not in anyway be affiliated to the previous one for fvcks sake
no be say I dey complain but d tin dey pain me

Chimaritoponcho:
flow flow flow
how many times did I call you
stop disorganising dis story
why on earth will an update not in anyway be affiliated to the previous one for fvcks sake
no be say I dey complain but d tin dey pain me

How do you mean?

I think you should read again. Its a twist.

Flow baba always on point #Buate #Team1759

“Flow!! No be you be that? Na me Padiman na!” He said from the other end of the call.

“who is Padiman?” I was asking out of the wrong side of my brain.


Then at the right side; “ooooh! Padiman! Na you? Sorry I no know say na you” I said, “I think say them don thief my phone oh!” It then occurred to me that Padiman’s real name was Obinna.

“no oh! As you keep am nahim I collect am put for my pocket” He said, “but because you dey tell me story of seminary nahim make I forget to give you back”

“but why na” I cried, “which kin rough play be that?”

“guy no vex, na forget nahim I forget” He said, “I no remember to give you before you go!”

“guy you don f’uck me up today, na trek nahim I trek go where I dey go” I lied.

“no vex na!” He said, “abi make I kneel down beg you?”

“no kneel down abeg, I don hear you” I had forgiven him but I will never forget.



“guy! Guy! No cut the phone abeg!” He pleaded.

“eheeen! Wetin be the problem? Wetin you wan talk? Talk fast! Na business centre I dey use call you so”

“ok, but first promise me say you no go vex for me for this thing wey I wan talk so?”

“talk quick na! this call don dey enter two minutes” I was sure.

“I go talk but promise me first?”

“ok, I promise you” I had no choice.

“see ehn, that your wallet ehn……..” He started.

“the money wey dey inside ehn……… I don spend am” That was a shocker.

“you say wetin?”

“Flow no vex abeg, As my girlfriend come , and I see say I no owe she-she for hand, nahim I look inside that your wallet, com see 2k, nahim wey I spend………….”

“and why on earth will you do such a thing?” I cut him.

“no vex na, na condi………………”

“condi what? So na condition go make you spend money wey no be your own?”

“now listen! That money is not mine oh!” I said.

“is for Bush shaker oh!” Bush shaker had earlier given me 1,000 naira to keep for him, that he was hiding it from his mum who would definitely search him when he got home.

Our dear Padiman doesn't know who Bush shaker was when it came to money, maybe because he had not meet him.



“God forbid bad thing! I go pay back oh, how I go spend America president money”

“I go pay you oh, I no dey for George Bush wahala”

What was he saying.

“in fact if you come back come collect the money” He promised, “I no want make you drag me go America oh!”

That was another thing I detested about Padiman, he was an illiterate no disputing that, but he always made hasty reasoning; like his brain was always on fast forward.


“Flow you don turn big boy oh!” He hailed, “you dey run things with America President!!”




“But wait oh Flow!......................” I was about hanging up.

“oooh God!! wetin be that?” I yelled.

“I wan ask you one question……”

“ask!!!!”

“una don share food finish for Seminar?”





I hung up and handed over the phone to the pay phone attendant for her to bill me.

While she did, I flashed back to when I dropped my phone and wallet on the pavement, and tried to figure out if Padiman intentionally collected them or I forgot them. Or both.

How can he be so wicked as to stealing my wallet and phone?

But I don’t know him for stealing?

Was he under duress?

Did he just want to play pranks with me?


“oga na seven minutes oh” The Pay phone attendant announced.

“seventeen what?”

“how can it be seventeen minute? this short call??”

“when you dey call am you no know abi? na now wey e don reach to pay nahim you dey talk rubbish”


Next thing I saw, she had grabbed my shirt. My pure white shirt.

“you must pay me my money oh!” She yelled and said something in Ikwerre. From my Igbo knowledge, I interpreted what she said as; “419 boys! Naso una go wear suit dey do people 419, e no go work for you!”


Ikwerre Girls!!

Ikwerre Girls are beautiful no disputing that, they are hardworking no disputing that also. My problem with them is their mouth. They can insult! Mouth Ebola they all have, Aside Tonto Dike of course. And Monalisa Chinda too.


I will never forget one of them told me my shoe looked like her Grand father’s hunting shoe, just because I asked her out.







“you must pay me my money oh!”

“leave my shirt na, you will dirty it!”

“I will not leave it until you pay me!!”

"i did not say i will not pay you na"

“ok lemme pay you”

“how much is it?”

“your money is 140 naira”

"i thought you said it was seventeen minutes" I had already calculated how much seventeen minutes will cost and it caused me heartache.

"no, i said seven not seventeen" she said.

I praised God it wasn't seventeen minutes, if not i would had sold my suit to her on auction.







I paid her and said; “see as you don dirty my shirt? You go pay for am oh”







I left the Ikwerre pay phone girl with her troubles and headed back to the interview centre.

As I just stepped in the interview kicked off. Really before the stated time.


“Who is Eke Ugochukwu………………….” Before he finished saying my complete name, I stood up and said; “I sir!”



As I walked "tear-tearstically" to the room to be interviewed, I quickly let out all the farts in my bowel.

Reason being that I learned from other people’s mistake.


Fix something had told us of an interview he went to that he was so close to getting save the fart he farted.

“Mr. Emmanuel we are so impressed, you are qualified for the job, we will get back to you in two days!”

“thank you! Berrefaaaaaaaaaaaaaagbra!” He broke the air.

“braaaaaahahagaha!” the interviewers were shocked, one of them even thought it was thunder.

“what did you just do??”

“sorry sir, I have running stomach!”

“braadadafaradarfeabara!!” He let out one that according to him almost tore his inner wear.




“nhmmmmmm!! Leave!!”




“will you leave this place immediately!”

mindfreakerz:
Flow baba always on point #Buate #Team1759

Thank you.

My worst nightmare stared me in the eyes as I alighted; “braaaaaaa!!” it tore wider; wide enough to contain my big head.


What a life sef?

Lol. In phyno's.
keep flowing Nwanne.

flow baba, i no go hide am u get mouth abeg come continue

ride on

“what is your name?” One of the interviewers asked.

Thank God I had not forgotten my name.

“where do you stay?” Another interviewer asked.

Thank God I still remembered our street name.

“why are you dressed like this for an interview as this?”

“because I just feel like”




After asking me about fifteen questions and I answered perfectly, then came the legendary question that knocked me out.

“where does your parents stay?”

I thought of lying that they stayed here in Port Harcourt, but I thought that could lead to further questions, so I said the truth.

“they stay in Ojo Military Cantonment Lagos”


“so you are a barrack boy?” One of the interviewers asked.

“by the Grace of God Yes I was”

“You was, or you are?”

“I was because I was born there, but I am no longer there!”


“have you been arrested for stealing before?” The rather talkative interviewer on suit asked.

“me?”

“no me!” He said.


“I have not been arrested for stealing, accept when I stole from my mother’s pot and she placed me under house arrest” I said on a lighter note.

The rest two laughed but the guy on suit frowned.


“No barrack boy can work here, they are all bunch of thieves!” My enemy said.

I declared him my enemy owing to the fact that he never laughed at my jokes. Or had our path crossed?



“Pls we are done with you Mr. Barrack boy!” My enemy beckoned that I left.


As I came out of the room, the next guy in line for the interview asked me; “how the thing dey na?”

“e make sense”

“you be barrack boy?” I asked.

“no oh” He replied.

“why you ask na?” He asked a question that I never responded to.






On my way home, what was on my mind was; “shey na crime to be barrack boy?

“abi Barrack boys dey get bad record?"

“but I no get bad record na!”

“abi I for lie say I no be barrack boy?”

“why that guy wey get big head just hate me?”

“abi him know me before?”




“Mr. Man you no go comot for road?” I was lost in my thought and swayed to the main road.

I left the road and continue thinking.

“see now Graceville school talk say after this month I no go dey teach their student Taekwondo again because say them no get money to dey continue to pay”

“how I wan take survive?”

“Snow no dey work, him dey hope say this him movie thing go get head, and na me dey feed am for now”

“how we wan take survive?”

“but I dey pay my tithe for church na”







“Flow!” I heard someone called.

I turned and saw it was Nnenna and her big a’ss.

“aw! Mr. Flow! You look good on suit” She hugged me, and I slowly slipped my hand to touch her a’ss. It was cold.

“you are going home right?”

“yeah, I am”

“come lets go wait in that junction, my boyfriend will come and pick us with his car”

I stood in the bus stop with an erected d’ick and a torn trouser like i was Barney.


“why your trouser tear na?” Nnenna asked.

“no be one nonsense motor wey I enter in the morning go tear am”



“where you dey come from wey you dress like this sef?”

“I go one seminar like that!”






In no time a Volkswagen Bora parked in front of us.

The car was fine, but the owner was ugly.

“Nnenna, why your boyfriend ugly like this na?” I guessed her boyfriend was the guy that drove and not the one that sat by the side of the driver’s seat.

“darling! Hop in!” I was right.


I and Nnenna sat behind while Nnenna formally introduced me to her bobo.




If i were to write Nnenna's Bobo a letter, it would read thus:

Dear Nnenna’s Bobo, Your head is big; far far bigger than mine. Yes I know you own a car, your Nose looks like Nissan Armada. You’ve got broad chest, but your mouth is broader. You speak Queen’s English, but you look to me as someone that have bad breath. And last but not the least, you are as “eyed” as Segun Arinze. Yours Sincerely Flow.




As the AC in the car blew passed my big head, I suddenly realized I was hungry.


“Gala! Come” Nnenna was in the spirit.

“Flow! You care?” She asked.

“which kin question this one dey ask?” I said to myself, “In fact I Cared sef”


It seemed the Gala Nnenna chewed contained some percentage of Alcohol, she acted like she was intoxicated after chewing.


Soon her hand was on my lap, then she caressed. I no complain oh!

I looked at the rear mirror to see if her boyfriend and his friend weren’t watching. They were carried away by the Politics they were discussing.


Next her hand was on top of my “P-man”, then she caressed. I no talk oh!

Next she headed to where my belt was, loosed my belt, and dipped her hands into “darkness”. I no vex oh!

The “stick” was highly erected when she grabbed and stroked.

“Nnenna wetin be this one na?” I could barely find me voice, “if this your boyfriend wey him head big like this catch us and head me with this him big head, I don die be that oh”

I couldn’t just imagine such big head heading my head. Earthquake!







“when two Elephant fights, the ground suffers” They say, but I say “when two big heads head, the car suffers”

Ali1king:
ride on

Hope you are enjoying the ride?

Am feeling and flowing with you bro......more ink to ur pen. Stil we flow

Lol...Flow no man gets as much attention from women as you claim to have. Picor...

flow1759:

Hope you are enjoying the ride?

Enjoying it like KILODE

Dis ur story is always funny
Kwantinio

Flow wannem

flow u fall my hand. why u no caress her Bermuda triangle back

The Accra fishermen statement was a reference to how diligent they are doing their fishing work, hence, reducing any chance of fishes escaping when caught. They are also noted for their rowdy character and most of Ghana's boxers are from the Accra coast. They will fight you till they beat you comprehensively. If one catch you eh...