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Memoirs Of A Repentant Hooker - Episode 2 - Literature - Nairaland

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Memoirs Of A Repentant Hooker - Episode 2 by officialEGO(f): 7:49am On Jan 19, 2015
. . . And there I stood, it wasn’t a dream. It
was me staring into the bulging faces of
Mama Seun and the beautiful ‘gbeboruns’
of No. 5 pretentiously referred to as
neighbours. Staring at each other, we
were both lost for words for few
minutes. The meeting was so awkward
and it was first of its kind in the history of
my co-tenancy with Mama Seun.

“Omo ilu mi, ma binu jare, na only you
dey house?” Finally she said. I made a
prolonged silent hiss motivated by anger
and frustration. I was so mad at Mama
Seun for spoiling my morning and
sabotaging my sleep after all, I wasn’t the
one she was looking for obviously.

“Mama Seun, na only me dey
house, wetin happen na?” I asked with a
stern in my voice and a grin at the likes of
Eliza, Mama Titi and Papa Chinyere; the
clueless neighbours at my doorstep.

“I dey go work o Mama Seun, wetin
happen na. Answer the babe o.”

Mtcheeeew! Yeye neigbour, I felt like
smacking his head. Old man sha wan talk
so tey him no sabi say na weekend we
dey, abi person dey go work for
weekend? *just wondering*. I let it stride
without expanding the comment made
by Papa Chinyere so it won’t become a
distraction for Mama Seun to jump into.

Papa Chinyere is one of my best
neighbours in the compound. Maybe I
like him because of his head sha. Bald-
headed men trips me especially those
with pot-belly; it somehow makes it
interesting you know; and my one wish
ever since I got my apartment at No. 5
was to get my hands on Papa Chinyere’s
head whichever way even if it has to be
the best way I know how to. I must
before I leave the compound.

“Ma binu jare omo ilu mi.” Mama Seun’s
response cut my imaginations and threw
me back into the reality of the moment.
The woman can ‘famz’ for Africa. The
‘omo ilu mi’ ish is what always makes me
tired of her. We both happened to share
the same State and Town; the only thing
we never shared was our Local
Government Areas. She is from the South
part, while I came from the North part
and we just weren’t really close but she
never ceases to maximize any
opportunity she has with me to flaunt
the fact that we came from the same
state as if it was some Dubai visa.

“I know say you go don vex since, no vex
abeg. I no know say na you dey house
na.” She continued.

“So you no even know who dey house
before you started shouting and
screaming our names to come help you
join in your matter?” Mama Titi added
facing Mama Seun.

“Abi o Mama Titi. Me dey waka go my
room o abi na wetin?” Papa Chinyere
turned to go.

“Come make we help them settle this
matter na. Papa Chinyere! Come back abi
na wetin sef? Na only you waka come
here? Shoo!. . .”

“Ehn, Mama Titi, e don do abeg. No start
another matter for my doorstep. Only
you and Eliza don do to settle why Mama
Seun dey bang my room early momo.” I
lashed out facing each of them at a pause
in utterance.

“Sebi I don tell you say make you no vex
na. Ma binu simi, we no fit fight na.”

“I no vex o Mama Seun but who you con
dey find?” I replied facing her.

“Na Amaka”

‘Hehehehehehehe’. I laughed weirdly.
Somehow, her response threw me off
balance. Where con be the meeting of ‘a
proper madman’ and ‘an occasional
madman’? Maybe at the point of insanity
sha.

“Amaka no dey o. She has travelled since
yesterday and I don’t think she would be
coming back anytime soon that’s even if
she’s coming back here at all.” I gushed
out.

“Itumo?” she asked eagerly in Yoruba.

“Wetin happen sef Mama Seun? I
screamed the words at her; I was already
running out of patience but
I couldn’t help but pity her. A typical local
Yoruba wife looking for her man!

“Well, Mama Seun, the itumo be say,
Amaka ti travel, ‘mi o mo igba to ma wa’
or better still, ‘ko wa mo’. I emphasized.

The only time I speak my mother tongue
is when I’m being frustrated or loosing
my patience with someone; but really is
that the only time I should express
myself in my mother tongue? Who cares?
I just hate when you have to repeat
something all over and over again. Only
God knows where common sense has
gone to in this country with some people!

“Well, e be like say you go gimme her
number o because I dey find my
husband.”

Now, I couldn’t contain my laughter
anymore. Amaka and Baba Seun? I really
don’t seem to understand.

“But Mama Seun, shey you and Amaka
don dey share your husband ni because I don’t understand what Amaka or
Amaka’s number has to do with your
husband?”

“Me I sabi wetin I dey talk o plus God
save her say I no meet her for house and
help me tell her say if she like herself,
make she no come back to this
compound again o!”

Now, I was really beginning to laugh real
hard. Mama Seun na were but her
madness no reach Amaka own. We both
know she’s just bluffing. Somehow I
seemed lost in her conversation, and the
next minute, I was really feeling like I was
in control of the whole situation.

“Abeg, shey your husband dey miss ni abi
wetin. Fill me in na, Mama Seun, na me o,
your omo ilu?” . . . I was beginning to
enjoy the whole scenario now.

“Wo, leave me jare. The last time I saw
Baba Seun was yesterday morning
before I go drop Seun for school and
when I came back late in the evening
from my outings, I couldn’t find my
husband. I asked everyone, checked
everywhere till Eliza told me that the last
time she saw my husband was with
Amaka. E for even better at least; na
the way she saw them gave me concern.”

Choi! Eliza the ‘loose’ girl. When I said she
is loose, that’s what I meant. Loosed-
mouth everywhere. She is the type you
have to be secretive with or else, ‘your
own don done for Africa.’

“How she con talk say she saw them o,
Mama Seun?” I asked

“Sebi Eliza sef dey here na, oya talk
na.” Mama Titi interfered facing Eliza with
seriousness written all over her face.

“Erm! Erm! Erm!. . .”

Hehehehehehehehe, that was Eliza
stammering. Mama Titi and Mama Seun
were wondering about the reason for her
sudden slow in speech and were
pressuring her to talk but ‘sebi na only
sane person go sabi why insane man dey
chop savage on top refuse dump.’
Indirectly, I sabi wetin dey make Eliza
stammer. She no wan chop another dose
of me, but whether she likes it or not, she
must talk. Mama Seun won’t allow her
not to and I won’t allow her to miss my
dose either!

“Erm, Erm, I saw Aunty Amaka putting a
measurement tape around Baba
Seun’s thing!”

“Ah! Lobatan o!” Mama Titi screamed

“Which one con be thing na, you better
talk well well.” Mama Seun screamed.

“Erm, I mean say, Aunty Amaka was
measuring Baba Seun’s thing.” She said,
making gestural description.

“Was she holding it or how she dey take
measure am?”

“Errrm! E don do o Mama Titi!” I lashed
out. The woman too like male anatomy
but people don’t see it because she gets
to hide it well under her ‘spirikoko’
attitude but as Amaka dey take talk am,

“Na one robber fit identify the other.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the whole
scenario. Baba Seun isn’t Amaka’s type.
Maybe whatever they were doing was
misunderstood by Eliza and that one
sef go hear am from me.

“Well, Mama Seun, I would try and reach
Amaka for you because her number is
presently not available and whatever that was Eliza saw, I’m sure she
misunderstood it.”

“Okay o! Sha warn the silly girl for me,
make e no go chop poison one day.” She
hissed and left.

Wow! I just had a comic morning of my
life. I just lied to Mama Seun about
Amaka’s number not reachable but
seriously what would she have said to
Amaka if I had given the number to her?

Well, na she sabi o! I entered my room to
an annoying sound like a grunting of the
pig! Yeah right! That was a man snoring
on my bed; yet he has no potbelly and
less fat, except for the thing in-between
his legs. Been there, done well! Lol!

“Bebe, come to bed now!”

“Thought you still sleeping?” What kind of
man snores and yet he is awake? I
murmured to myself.

“Been awake since jare! What was that
about?”

“Your wife is such a raging bitch you
know. . .

#Episode3 comes out soon!

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