Preternatura1:
Thank you a great deal.

The truth is that, we are not so alike, I do know that there are few things we like in common however.

He thinks I'm "too oyiboish/buttyish" and I sometimes think he is not exposed enough, I have tried to win him over to my side and to be truthful, somethings did change but I'm still not satisfied. I know it may sound silly adding such thing to the list of what I consider important in choosing a life partner but I've not been able to shake this feeling and believe me, it has been there for a long time, I just didn't know we'd get this far as this is a relationship I started when I still considered myself 'a girl experimenting', now marriage talks has come up and it's like I'm realizing, I've always wanted to end up with someone like myself.

I just don't want to lose a good man, so I'm wondering if something like this is too flimsy. Thank you for your time, I really appreciate.

Onegai:


I will encourage you to break up with him.

Ehhhh you'll most likely regret it but at least you'll learn beautifully from the experience, lol.

oya shall I be frank? Please answer the following:
Is your dad/mum a lifetime member of Ikoyi club? If they Google your last name, does something pop up? Do your parents own real estate somewhere in UK (preferably St John's wood)? How many times have you or your family flown 1st class on BA? Where's the Riding school in Lagos located and when did any of your brothers start playing polo? Do you have tickets to MUSON concerts on standby? If you get married tomorrow, will you be assured of at least N1mil in gifts from your own family?

If no to all those answers, you are not a "butty" you are a mere Nigerian girl who has filled her mind with Instagram, Bella Naija and Linda Ikeji's vulgar excesses. And sweetie, all them posh boys, they don't marry middle class girls. So you better go give yourself lots of brain or just break up with what sounds like a man who cares about you (who isn't perfect).

Sorry if I sound harsh but the unrealistic and materialistic expectation I see in Naija society is irritating. Particularly when I watch men and women make life decisions based on it.

Now if you had told me "I don't like this or that in his character" that's great. That's important. But you are not that much further up the social ladder than he (most people attract and marry from their social class) and you feel you deserve Mr. Cream-Wannabe-Proposal-in-Dubai because you are wearing fine dresses and fixing "brazilian".

Just break up with him already. sigh.

Madampinkolo:
@MarvelousGod,thank you.Believe me when I say i'm the one who is lucky to have him.

Preternatura1,
Please permit me to address you..
While he's a good guy,he may not be right for you still.What strikes your fancy may be totally different from what gets me going.In every long term se xual relationship,things may dull after a while and it would take more effort to reach those levels of excitement that were reached at one minute in those days.
I've looked at your reasons and though they are not very tangible to me,they are very serious to you and i respect that.It's now left for you to decide.What is it he finds oyiboish about you?Do you consider him to be a bush man?Is it that his dressing is not up to par?Or is it a string of bad english (I is coming,i am spoking to you sort of thing?).There's no point being with someone you are ashamed of.It will weigh the relationship down.I normally prefer people to marry within or above their 'percieved' class to avoid he's not posh enough for me tales.

By exposure,what do you mean?He hasn't seen the world?He grew up in the village?He doesn't know how to drink from a champagne glass or hold cutlery?He doesn't know how to swish the wine in his mouth first before swallowing?

Why i'm asking is that most of these things can be remedied,they are fixable.If it's an issue for you that it hasn't been ingrained from childhood,it's fine.You are the one the shoe is pinching.

However,in the greater scheme of things and as you get older,you may find that these things don't really matter.Posh won't pay the bills,posh won't help around the house,exposure won't hold you and kiss you at night,exposure won't buy you flowers just because...
It's a good,kind reliable loving man who will.
I believe that you will find a man suited to your taste though. Nothing wrong in what you want,just make sure your priorities are in order.

My DH as he was then many people would have rejected.Strong non handsome face,just that general strong look.Then he had an accident that caused one of his legs to be about half an inch shorter than the other and a spine that's damaged to some extent.Now with this picture i presented,the first thought is to tear race abi? . I didn't.He has kind eyes,and such beautiful hands.I fell in love with his character and his hands.They are beautiful,i just don't know how to explain it.
Yea,upon his slight disability he smoked and drank o.I said i wouldn't marry a smoker,he quit.For over 5 years now,he hasn't smoked and he detests smoking.We share a beer or wine at home,he doesn't do the toxic every evening beer again.
My point is that it pays sometimes to look beyond what's infront of you.You may be shocked at the potential a not so 'hot' person has inside.I have noticed that people who are not so aesthetically pleasing to the eyes, work harder on their personality and refine their character(my opinion).
DH too had etiquette issues,not a power dresser etc.All it takes is a youtube video and practice.Enter a shop with crisp beautiful shirts and trousers and start dressing him up to your taste.Spend hours scouring magazines on men's fashion to find colour combinations?
You can be whatever you want to be with hardwork,team effort and determination.
Please make sure that if/when you leave him,you'll be 100% regret free even if you see a picture of him on a yatch.


NB. I can afford to be a tyrant with crazy opinions & get away with doing many things because of the temperament of the man i'm married to.So,no one should really listen to me abeg.

babyosisi:


That was harsh

chaircover:
Good Morning House. Love you all

Osisi thanks for sharing your inlaw story. We will be MIL's too one day and Ive learnt from this.


I want to encourage someone this morning

Good Strong Marriages do not immediately start that way. Its takes time, It takes commitment, It takes sweat and tears, It takes you sometimes being right but having to choose to just let it go for peace and sanity at that point.

It takes you having to leave your comfort zone and even leaving behind some of your ideas, attitude and outlook towards certain things.

Sometimes you have to prove yourself over and over to him before it finally clicks and this is the bit where people find the hardest

The first year we got married. Mothers day came and went and not even a happy mothers day greeting from him. I spoke to him about it and he replied without catching breath that I wasnt his mother. The thing really pained me that day.

It took time for him to realise that I was not just a wife but also a mother, friend, sister and everything else too to him. I had to prove it to him. Now you wont beleive that its the same mouth that uttered those words years ago

You also have to prove that you are mature, and that he can confide in you his weaknesses and you wont throw it in his face in an argument

You have to prove it to him that you are wise and not just a beautiful face

You have to prove it to him that he can trust you to hold the fort in his absence or when he needs your support.

You have to prove it to him that you wont hurt him

All this can take years and a simple statement said in anger can jeopadise the hard work and push him back into hs shell

Genrally speaking, men are not "talkers" especially about their innermost feelings

Men have ego and that ego can be very fragile too.

The best thing that a woman can do for herself is to get her man to totally trust her with his heart and to have his listening ear . . . Its not easy, but once you secure that position the rest of the ride is much easier.

It takes time and if you are not quite there, dont worry. Keep on working at it and you will get there and you will see a man who totally strives towards making you happy, because you make him happy too.

thorpido:
Except for a few men, men generally step back when their children marry. It's the women who want to get involved. I guess it's the attachment they have towards their sons and the feeling that one small girl has now taken his attention.

bukatyne:


It goes both ways else the marriage would be a burden on the wife

On a second thought, why should people marry those they do not intend to listen to

bukatyne:


It goes both ways else the marriage would be a burden on the wife

On a second thought, why should people marry those they do not intend to listen to

moca:
@thorpido,u seem very reserved.
Love ur prof.
Ur wife is one lucky lady.

I just posted about my flatmate
It's not a laughing matter cos she normally complain with all seriousness. Infact at times she will break down and cry.
She happened to be d first daughter and in school. So hubby is giving her money, her dad too.
If her mum says she wanna visit her,d man will tell her she is on her own o
That will not stop my inlaw from giving me my monthly allowance
Meanwhile during omugwo,papa is no where to be found. After buying omugwo thing for mama,u must buy his own else he will sieze mama own.
What a man!

chaircover:


Yes it goes both ways
It takes two to tango
My words are to ladies becasue this thread is for them.

happysisi:
Gbam! It takes two Ppl for marriage to work. He also has to prove a lot of things to me.

Either the event of things, I have come to have a different view that might not be do for him but that has come to be my conclusion cuz of past events

bukatyne:


Some guys are peeping and are learning too

The thread has metamorphosed from a thread for wives to a thread for marriage

Women have heard they have to do it all for years so the message on marriage should be balanced.

It takes two to build the marriage while it takes only one person to destroy it.

If the wives are the best in the world with husbands who are not ready to lift a finger, the wives soon become depleted emotionally and the center gives way.

The reason it seems effortless to do all is because our husbands are doing their best too and filling us emotionally.

The advice of everyone play their part and leave the other one does not really work in marriage.

It is well

MzStunner:
I have been following this thread from the beginning and some of the experiences are like answers to some situations I am facing or have faced. I want to thank you babyosisi, mutter, chaircover, madampinkolo, and all of you that have shared your stories, believe me, I have been refreshing this page for the past one week for updates.
Like Preternatura1 I am unmarried and I USED to think like her, I perceived my self in a certain class and thereby wouldn't be caught dead dating someone that didn't meet up. if my then boyfriend didn't meet up to standard, I would hide him from my friends, cos I didn't want to "fall my hand". I dated men whom I felt belonged within and above my social class, with their charming tongues, flashy cars, suave demeanours. Most of the time, I realized that they were either engaged, married, players, cheats, had very big egos or had little respect for me. Then I met my fiancé. He was different from the kind of man I would normally be seen with. I wasn't attracted t him at all. We met at his office so I had to be civil with him but that was far as I could take it, or so I thought. He changed me with his love. he had challenges with tenses, at first I couldn't bear it. me that won essay competitions, me that my colleagues call to proof read their e-mails before they send it, but then I began to correct him, he would send me a text with a wrongly spelt word, I would reply and correct the spelling, he would get it right the next time. the things I saw as issues initially became non issues like the issue of his bad breath, I went online for solutions and one day I bought him Euthymol toothpaste and a new brush without telling him why. a week later the bad breath disappeared. he is the kindest man I have ever met. he has taught me that you should be with a man that respects you, loves you, can share his 1 naira with you, has a relationship with God. He made me to start going to church , made me stop wearing revealing clothes, made me stop buying impulsively. I used to think cooking for a man was crap but now I see myself searching for new recipes every weekend. he has made a better person. We are saving up for our wedding later this year while working and praying towards better Jobs. So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart. You could be lucky to find a man who is well to do and genuine without a trail of clingy exes but think through and through for the things that really matter. those people you are trying to impress with a sophisticated man will not be there to wipe snot off ur nose when ur sick, rub ur back when u hv cramps, make u a meal when ur too tired to make one, gossip with you, understand when u tell him u don't want to have s*x even when he wants to. experience has taught me that money and class will not give me all these, love, respect and kindness will.

MzStunner:
I have been following this thread from the beginning and some of the experiences are like answers to some situations I am facing or have faced. I want to thank you babyosisi, mutter, chaircover, madampinkolo, and all of you that have shared your stories, believe me, I have been refreshing this page for the past one week for updates.
Like Preternatura1 I am unmarried and I USED to think like her, I perceived my self in a certain class and thereby wouldn't be caught dead dating someone that didn't meet up. if my then boyfriend didn't meet up to standard, I would hide him from my friends, cos I didn't want to "fall my hand". I dated men whom I felt belonged within and above my social class, with their charming tongues, flashy cars, suave demeanours. Most of the time, I realized that they were either engaged, married, players, cheats, had very big egos or had little respect for me. Then I met my fiancé. He was different from the kind of man I would normally be seen with. I wasn't attracted t him at all. We met at his office so I had to be civil with him but that was far as I could take it, or so I thought. He changed me with his love. he had challenges with tenses, at first I couldn't bear it. me that won essay competitions, me that my colleagues call to proof read their e-mails before they send it, but then I began to correct him, he would send me a text with a wrongly spelt word, I would reply and correct the spelling, he would get it right the next time. the things I saw as issues initially became non issues like the issue of his bad breath, I went online for solutions and one day I bought him Euthymol toothpaste and a new brush without telling him why. a week later the bad breath disappeared. he is the kindest man I have ever met. he has taught me that you should be with a man that respects you, loves you, can share his 1 naira with you, has a relationship with God. He made me to start going to church , made me stop wearing revealing clothes, made me stop buying impulsively. I used to think cooking for a man was crap but now I see myself searching for new recipes every weekend. he has made a better person. We are saving up for our wedding later this year while working and praying towards better Jobs. So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart. You could be lucky to find a man who is well to do and genuine without a trail of clingy exes but think through and through for the things that really matter. those people you are trying to impress with a sophisticated man will not be there to wipe snot off ur nose when ur sick, rub ur back when u hv cramps, make u a meal when ur too tired to make one, gossip with you, understand when u tell him u don't want to have s*x even when he wants to. experience has taught me that money and class will not give me all these, love, respect and kindness will.

CoCoLav:


Wow! Your posts reminds me of my sister. When her husband approached her, her answer was No before he even started talking because she felt he was not her class. My dad had to talk to her and advise her, told her he would prefer she marries a man who is still 'struggling' than a made man. Told her all the issues she had with him could be solved including the dressing thing. Today they are married and she chooses his clothes, all the things she felt were major issues have been forgotten and as far as I can tell she is happy.

chaircover:


This is one of the things I was saying earlier
When a man feels safe enough in his “nakeednesss “ (generally speaking) in front of you, and trusts you not to shame him, you can get him to do almost anything.

A good man will want to make you happy, and even if it means you choosing his clothes and his aftershave or whatever it takes, he wont mind one bit. It depends on how one approaches the issue.

chaircover:
I like your post a million times
I wish there was a way I could laminate this post and distribute it to all the girls out there judging the worth of a man by the length of the Brazilian he can buy.
You’ve said it all

Daughters generally speaking are their dads Princesses.
Therefore pick a man that will uphold your royalty and who will treat you like the Queen that you are.

Like you, I met a few frogs before I met my prince.
No friend will be there to wipe your tears or even accommodate you if God forbid one ends up in an abusive marriage.
The same friends will be worried to accommodate you so that you don’t steal their own husbands now that you are single again.
The day you fight, the first thing that these friends that you were trying to impress back in the day will call you is dalemosu.

deuce7:

I wish someone with see this and understand it.

MzStunner:
I have been following this thread from the beginning and some of the experiences are like answers to some situations I am facing or have faced. I want to thank you babyosisi, mutter, chaircover, madampinkolo, and all of you that have shared your stories, believe me, I have been refreshing this page for the past one week for updates.
Like Preternatura1 I am unmarried and I USED to think like her, I perceived my self in a certain class and thereby wouldn't be caught dead dating someone that didn't meet up. if my then boyfriend didn't meet up to standard, I would hide him from my friends, cos I didn't want to "fall my hand". I dated men whom I felt belonged within and above my social class, with their charming tongues, flashy cars, suave demeanours. Most of the time, I realized that they were either engaged, married, players, cheats, had very big egos or had little respect for me. Then I met my fiancé. He was different from the kind of man I would normally be seen with. I wasn't attracted t him at all. We met at his office so I had to be civil with him but that was far as I could take it, or so I thought. He changed me with his love. he had challenges with tenses, at first I couldn't bear it. me that won essay competitions, me that my colleagues call to proof read their e-mails before they send it, but then I began to correct him, he would send me a text with a wrongly spelt word, I would reply and correct the spelling, he would get it right the next time. the things I saw as issues initially became non issues like the issue of his bad breath, I went online for solutions and one day I bought him Euthymol toothpaste and a new brush without telling him why. a week later the bad breath disappeared. he is the kindest man I have ever met. he has taught me that you should be with a man that respects you, loves you, can share his 1 naira with you, has a relationship with God. He made me to start going to church , made me stop wearing revealing clothes, made me stop buying impulsively. I used to think cooking for a man was crap but now I see myself searching for new recipes every weekend. he has made a better person. We are saving up for our wedding later this year while working and praying towards better Jobs. So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart. You could be lucky to find a man who is well to do and genuine without a trail of clingy exes but think through and through for the things that really matter. those people you are trying to impress with a sophisticated man will not be there to wipe snot off ur nose when ur sick, rub ur back when u hv cramps, make u a meal when ur too tired to make one, gossip with you, understand when u tell him u don't want to have s*x even when he wants to. experience has taught me that money and class will not give me all these, love, respect and kindness will.

bukatyne:


It is nice you appreciate the shoes Some ladies walk in

Why it is majorly MILs that are terrible is unfathomable to me.

The stuff she complains her son does, she would be very glad a man did same for her daughter

MzStunner:
I have been following this thread from the beginning and some of the experiences are like answers to some situations I am facing or have faced. I want to thank you babyosisi, mutter, chaircover, madampinkolo, and all of you that have shared your stories, believe me, I have been refreshing this page for the past one week for updates.
Like Preternatura1 I am unmarried and I USED to think like her, I perceived my self in a certain class and thereby wouldn't be caught dead dating someone that didn't meet up. if my then boyfriend didn't meet up to standard, I would hide him from my friends, cos I didn't want to "fall my hand". I dated men whom I felt belonged within and above my social class, with their charming tongues, flashy cars, suave demeanours. Most of the time, I realized that they were either engaged, married, players, cheats, had very big egos or had little respect for me. Then I met my fiancé. He was different from the kind of man I would normally be seen with. I wasn't attracted t him at all. We met at his office so I had to be civil with him but that was far as I could take it, or so I thought. He changed me with his love. he had challenges with tenses, at first I couldn't bear it. me that won essay competitions, me that my colleagues call to proof read their e-mails before they send it, but then I began to correct him, he would send me a text with a wrongly spelt word, I would reply and correct the spelling, he would get it right the next time. the things I saw as issues initially became non issues like the issue of his bad breath, I went online for solutions and one day I bought him Euthymol toothpaste and a new brush without telling him why. a week later the bad breath disappeared. he is the kindest man I have ever met. he has taught me that you should be with a man that respects you, loves you, can share his 1 naira with you, has a relationship with God. He made me to start going to church , made me stop wearing revealing clothes, made me stop buying impulsively. I used to think cooking for a man was crap but now I see myself searching for new recipes every weekend. he has made a better person. We are saving up for our wedding later this year while working and praying towards better Jobs. So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart. You could be lucky to find a man who is well to do and genuine without a trail of clingy exes but think through and through for the things that really matter. those people you are trying to impress with a sophisticated man will not be there to wipe snot off ur nose when ur sick, rub ur back when u hv cramps, make u a meal when ur too tired to make one, gossip with you, understand when u tell him u don't want to have s*x even when he wants to. experience has taught me that money and class will not give me all these, love, respect and kindness will.

So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart.