gleatz:
@BabyMama, I am confused.
The church thingy is masking so much. Can't still fathom it.

A major part of the high risk she meant is that older men like that yet unmarried have issues and tend to go for younger girls they think they can easily handle, exceptions exist too. Like thorpido says, he needs a wife more than a lover hence his actions not necessary the phleg thing as phlegs love like others too. The major weight in babyosisi's statement is the age. In your heart of hearts are you comfortable with the over 10yrs difference (guessing), do you know and are you ready to go with the issues associated with such wide gap age union. As for what you fear concerning the church thing, i wrote something on page 91 about it. I still think she would not have expressly adviced in that direction if he was younger.

brunnette4real:
Finances,yes.he is a contract staff with an oil servicing firm,so he is looking at getting a permanent job or starting a bizness,he also said he is not convinced I'm his wife yet,that he needs to pray before taking that life decision.But,if he finds his wife this year,even if he doesn't have money for wedding he will pay her brideprice this year.that he really desire me for a wife but God has d final say.
He has good xter and has being there for me always.
I was thinking if I should call him&try to see him ,cos I don't want it to look as if I'm pushing him away or I don't care just to maintain our friendship,or should I leave him the way he is?

It's a better thing to have a permanent job so maybe he is right about finances.
Let him start to pray,what's holding him.
Maintain your friendship with him and give him a couple of weeks to make up his mind.If after this,he is still not convinced,let him go.
Like you think,he might be looking for options.

@floodgater:
Sincerely I don't ve any issue with the age gap (its 8yrs diff) but the communication aspect. I can only know so much about you when line of communication is open. Apart from what I wrote here, I don't seem to know any other thing about him.
Anytime I bring up issues, he always tell me its not the right time. As am concerned, am not in a rship with him cos there is a big gap btw us. The highest chat is (how re, how was ur 9t, ve u eaten, re u @ work) etc and loads of monosyllabic replies.

I sincerely agree all he wants is a mother to the children and not a lover. And that's not the way I am wired. I am a romantic and emotional person to the extreme

As regards the church thingy I was talking about he is always busy in the church with one prog or the other, spirikoko to the letter. The whole parole is so boring for my lively person. As it stands, if he ask "will you marry me" I can't gladly and joyfully say yes. U can imagine the thing.
Already thinking of sending him message to forget abt the rship.

Thanks sis for your time.

[q:uote author=Floodgater post=32809019] A major part of the high risk she meant is that older men like that yet unmarried have issues and tend to go for younger girls they think they can easily handle, exceptions exist too. Like thorpido says, he needs a wife more than a lover hence his actions not necessary the phleg thing as phlegs love like others too. The major weight in babyosisi's statement is the age. In your heart of hearts are you comfortable with the over 10yrs difference (guessing), do you know and are you ready to go with the issues associated with such wide gap age union. As for what you fear concerning the church thing, i wrote something on page 91 about it. I still think she would not have expressly adviced in that direction if he was younger.[/quote]

@thorpido:
U asked what I meant by the church thingy: I mean he is always busy in the church with one prog or the other almost the other day, so one can even hardly have time to see him and discuss one on one.

brunnette4real:
Sometimes I think he maybe looking for a better option,although I may be wrong because he told me he is not @ all.

The major problem with the guy is instability. He is very unstable in nature, he feels something great for you too but his unstable nature is making him to consider; what if those things your ex complained are true, hence the indicision from him. If you are ready to arm yourself with this fact and be prepared to stand it whenever his unstable nature manifest because there will be many more manifestations then go to him. Ask him to say in all honesty what he wants from you. You too tell him that you can see his fears from what you told him steming from his instability, believe me, he will be shocked. Let him know life is risk and there is no perfect person anywhere. Tell him you are ready to go the future with him and if he feels same, he should man up and make a decision for the relationship to continue otherwise the relationship should end for good as you do not have time to waste whilst he covers his indicisive nature with hearing from God. But seriously you have to be bold with this and if you are not defiant/confident/stable/strong person by nature, that man might be hardwork howbeit he seems good for you.

Gleatz dont end yet, the age difference is alright. See if he makes effort to meet your conditions. His background may be masking some potential good in him. Remember also, opposites sometimes attracts to complement.

Thanx Sis. Would give it a trial!

Floodgater:
Gleatz dont end yet, the age difference is alright. See if he makes effort to meet your conditions. His background may be masking some potential good in him. Remember also, opposites sometimes attracts to complement.

Floodgater hello to you, thanks for looking out, hope you are well?

I'm so sorry for not responding in time, it's been really busy for me this period.

I don't like being stressed at all and quite frankly, his mum is trying to be a thorn in my flesh.

I did talk to him as advised, he seems to understand and be on my side, yet somehow he wants me to please his mum, I tried calling her again to placate her, still she's not satisfied, she's insisting I have to come spend sometime with her, I made it clear I can't manage that, especially not this period as I'm very busy(just got back to Nigeria 2 days ago) and she just keeps saying things like I don't value the relationship, I don't see her as important and many things I don't even understand, I'm becoming frustrated at this point, she just doesn't seem to get it.

He had to take the phone from me to talk to her but the way he hung up, said it all, he is even at a loss on what to do about the situation as I type. I'll be leaving for the US in a few days, he said he'll be going to see her as she said they have to talk, I'm just hoping he can really make her understand.

Btw, I think she doesn't want him to be there when I spend time with her, I'm not really letting it bother me now, I just want to focus on the project I have at hand.

gleatz:
@thorpido:
U asked what I meant by the church thingy: I mean he is always busy in the church with one prog or the other almost the other day, so one can even hardly have time to see him and discuss one on one.

You know what,i think you should forget about the relationship.Even though i'm down with spiritual stuff,except you both attend the same church and are involved together in a lot of activities,you can't really know him.
Sadly,many spirikoko people are the ones making the worst of marriages nowadays.You have to form a bond through communication and if that doesn't exist,quoting scriptures won't do it.

Thorpido:
Bros, I think for once, you just got everything right. My fear is what u ve communicated.
We don't worship in the same parish, btwn Feb 14 and dis day, we ve only seen once. So communication is KEY!
That zeal is not seen @ all.

God bless you and all yours.

thor=thorpido post=32812816]You know what,i think you should forget about the relationship.Even though i'm down with spiritual stuff,except you both attend the same church and are involved together in a lot of activities,you can't really know him.
Sadly,many spirikoko people are the ones making the worst of marriages nowadays.You have to form a bond through communication and if that doesn't exist,quoting scriptures won't do it.[/quote]

Preternatura1:
Floodgater hello to you, thanks for looking out, hope you are well?

I'm so sorry for not responding in time, it's been really busy for me this period.

I don't like being stressed at all and quite frankly, his mum is trying to be a thorn in my flesh.

I did talk to . This wil make her him as advised, he seems to understand and be on my side, yet somehow he wants me to please his mum, I tried calling her again to placate her, still she's not satisfied, she's insisting I have to come spend sometime with her, I made it clear I can't manage that, especially not this period as I'm very busy(just got back to Nigeria 2 days ago) and she just keeps saying things like I don't value the relationship, I don't see her as important and many things I don't even understand, I'm becoming restarted at this point, she just doesn't seem to get it.

He had to take the phone from me to talk to her but the way he hung up, said it all, he is even at a loss on what to do about the situation as I type. I'll be leaving for the US in a few days, he said he'll be going to see her as she said they have to talk, I'm just hoping he can really make her understand.

Btw, I think she doesn't want him to be there when I spend time with her, I'm not really letting it bother me now, I just want to focus on the project I have at hand.

It's simple if she doesn't want your guy (her son) to be present while you are with her....... it's just that she want to really know you are. Without her son making up for your short comings in terms of courtsey, cooking, manners and all what not. What I think or suggest is that ur man shld accompany you there on the first visit and then subsequent visits you can decide to go on your own or with him.
Seems to me you're getting urself worked up over the issue which should not be the case. U can keep in touch with the woman by sending greetings and well...... sometimes inspirational sms most of the time (if you wouldn't want to hear her complains) then once in a while u can do calls @ least till you see her, this will make her feel like "at least I hear from her".

All the best

Preternatura1:
Floodgater hello to you, thanks for looking out, hope you are well?

I'm so sorry for not responding in time, it's been really busy for me this period.

I don't like being stressed at all and quite frankly, his mum is trying to be a thorn in my flesh.

I did talk to him as advised, he seems to understand and be on my side, yet somehow he wants me to please his mum, I tried calling her again to placate her, still she's not satisfied, she's insisting I have to come spend sometime with her, I made it clear I can't manage that, especially not this period as I'm very busy(just got back to Nigeria 2 days ago) and she just keeps saying things like I don't value the relationship, I don't see her as important and many things I don't even understand, I'm becoming frustrated at this point, she just doesn't seem to get it.

He had to take the phone from me to talk to her but the way he hung up, said it all, he is even at a loss on what to do about the situation as I type. I'll be leaving for the US in a few days, he said he'll be going to see her as she said they have to talk, I'm just hoping he can really make her understand.

Btw, I think she doesn't want him to be there when I spend time with her, I'm not really letting it bother me now, I just want to focus on the project I have at hand.

I'm well, thanks. Stick to your guns but ensure you are nice never showing your displeasure for his mum. You have pushed the ball to his cut, let it remain there until he plays. Its either he goes with you or nothing. How he pulls this one will determine the future. I still feel you shouldnt be frustrated, resent or dislike his mum just yet because it will only take a matter of time before it shows perhaps without you knowing and then you would be the bad one as you would have proved her right. Still reserve a mum spot for her, she is acting base on preconcieved notions of girls in your class. Your first meeting with her doesnt speak of a woman who does not like you, her recent statements suggest areas of her reservations about you and kind of giving room for amendments howbeit she is not handling it well perhaps because she is not enlightened or because it is the method she knows. If she outrightly does not like you, she would have said you are not the one for her son not the "i think you are not the one for my son" she earlier used. Her statements are trying to point you to faults (from her viewpoint) for corrections. Grace in your project.

Floodgater:
I'm well, thanks. Stick to your guns but ensure you are nice never showing your displeasure for his mum. You have pushed the ball to his cut, let it remain there until he plays. Its either he goes with you or nothing. How he pulls this one will determine the future. I still feel you shouldnt be frustrated, resent or dislike his mum just yet because it will only take a matter of time before it shows perhaps without you knowing and then you would be the bad one as you would have proved her right. Still reserve a mum spot for her, she is acting base on preconcieved notions of girls in your class. Your first meeting with her doesnt speak of a woman who does not like you, her recent statements suggest areas of her reservations about you and kind of giving room for amendments howbeit she is not handling it well perhaps because she is not enlightened or because it is the method she knows. If she outrightly does not like you, she would have said you are not the one for her son not the "i think you are not the one for my son" she earlier used. Her statements are trying to point you to faults (from her viewpoint) for corrections. Grace in your project.

Alright, I will try my best not to resent her and I don't ever want to, I even feel a little pity for him, as I don't want them to fall out on account of me, I know how dear he holds her, I just sincerely hope we do the right thing in the end.

Thank you very much my dear friend, I appreciate you wholeheartedly.

dapsy4u2:


It's simple if she doesn't want your guy (her son) to be present while you are with her....... it's just that she want to really know you are. Without her son making up for your short comings in terms of courtsey, cooking, manners and all what not. What I think or suggest is that ur man shld accompany you there on the first visit and then subsequent visits you can decide to go on your own or with him.
Seems to me you're getting urself worked up over the issue which should not be the case. U can keep in touch with the woman by sending greetings and well...... sometimes inspirational sms most of the time (if you wouldn't want to hear her complains) then once in a while u can do calls @ least till you see her, this will make her feel like "at least I hear from her".

All the best

Alright, thanks for your contribution, it's appreciated.

Preternatura1 I believe each relationship should have compromises or at least a show of willingness to compromise. I do not think you should stand such a firm ground on this. Your future mother in law wants to spend sometime with you, what is the worst that could happen? ur man could drop you off on a Friday and pick u up on Sat/Sun,(like babyosisi suggested) I do not think that would be too bad an idea. Remember, if you marry this man, your MIL would be a whole lot involved in ur lives. it is not early to stand building a relationship with her. Let her son not be forced to take sides, if she wants a visit from you, then pay her a visit, if she wants u to spend 3 days, u can spend 2 instead, it shows u are willing to compromise, but still able to call some shots. You could use period to tell her to teach u a few things about ur mans people(tradition, food, etc) That will give u both something to talk about till u leave, visit her, buy her gifts. I do not think she is asking for too much, my opinion tho.

MzStunner:
Preternatura1 I believe each relationship should have compromises or at least a show of willingness to compromise. I do not think you should stand such a firm ground on this. Your future mother in law wants to spend sometime with you, what is the worst that could happen? ur man could drop you off on a Friday and pick u up on Sat/Sun,(like babyosisi suggested) I do not think that would be too bad an idea. Remember, if you marry this man, your MIL would be a whole lot involved in ur lives. it is not early to stand building a relationship with her. Let her son not be forced to take sides, if she wants a visit from you, then pay her a visit, if she wants u to spend 3 days, u can spend 2 instead, it shows u are willing to compromise, but still able to call some shots. You could use period to tell her to teach u a few things about ur mans people(tradition, food, etc) That will give u both something to talk about till u leave, visit her, buy her gifts. I do not think she is asking for too much, my opinion tho.

Hi, thanks for your input.

It's not just about going to spend some time with her, if you followed my posts, you'd notice, the timing of the visit is part of the problem, she wanted me to spend the easter holiday with her but I already had plans, this I have come to realize upset her and she is pushing that I come this month, which is highly unlikely, added to the fact that she's said not so nice things to me over the issue.

Another thing is, is that, I don't speak much igbo neither does she speak much English, I'm still getting used to the kind of regular food my man eats, I do little chores and even this, I'm really not good at, so I need my man there to help guide me, she may not understand all these at first, especially as she's already thinking me a snob.

I just don't want any unnecessary drama.

Preternatural 1, i was thinking in that direction and since someone has said it, think i should emphasize it too. Give your man a date that you will go and visit his mum with him. It will give him a ground to stand on as he defends you before her, it also show respect and acceptance to her. Girl please do it because you might come back again with no time. There's always no time but we create time for the ones/things we value. If you can give a day in these few days you have, supprise her by visiting with your man. Also you sounded selfish when you told her you were busy and cant come. If you cant visit, call her again (repeat possibly once in a while since she is showing interest in you)without your man and maintain niceness even if she is still angry.

Preternatura1, So what's actually the problem here?
She( your potential MIL) insists you visit her alone?
You can't make out time to visit her because of your busy schedule hence haven't given her a date for the visit yet??
Your man doesn't want to go with you or what?

I ask these questions because I really don't seem to get what the prob is.. if you must visit her with your fiance as you wish, then make out time with him and visit. I think all she needs is just to spend some time with her future DIL, could be just a day or two, her request to be isn't absurd..

You really have to make out time to see her, your giving her excuses of busy schedule for over a month she's been asking to see you isn't fair, or while telling her you're busy, you fix the visit for a later date and not outrightly telling her you can't come and that's it... Fixing a future date atleast shows your interest and to a large extent, respect.

And about you being bothered about not doing much chores and stuffs, that one is her problem. . Just be yourself and try to be respectful. .. It's your fiance's to bother about that..

Remember you will be a MIL someday and I sure know you would like to see your DIL

All the best dear

Preternatura1:
Hi, thanks for your input.

It's not just about going to spend some time with her, if you followed my posts, you'd notice, the timing of the visit is part of the problem, she wanted me to spend the easter holiday with her but I already had plans, this I have come to realize upset her and she is pushing that I come this month, which is highly unlikely, added to the fact that she's said not so nice things to me over the issue.

Another thing is, is that, I don't speak much igbo neither does she speak much English, I'm still getting used to the kind of regular food my man eats, I do little chores and even this, I'm really not good at, so I need my man there to help guide me, she may not understand all these at first, especially as she's already thinking me a snob.

I just don't want any unnecessary drama.

MarvellousGod:
Preternatura1, So what's actually the problem here?
She( your potential MIL) insists you visit her alone?
You can't make out time to visit her because of your busy schedule hence haven't given her a date for the visit yet??
Your man doesn't want to go with you or what?

I ask these questions because I really don't seem to get what the prob is.. if you must visit her with your fiance as you wish, then make out time with him and visit. I think all she needs is just to spend some time with her future DIL, could be just a day or two, her request to be isn't absurd..

You really have to make out time to see her, your giving her excuses of busy schedule for over a month she's been asking to see you isn't fair, or while telling her you're busy, you fix the visit for a later date and not outrightly telling her you can't come and that's it... Fixing a future date atleast shows your interest and to a large extent, respect.

And about you being bothered about not doing much chores and stuffs, that one is her problem. . Just be yourself and try to be respectful. .. It's your fiance's to bother about that..

Remember you will be a MIL someday and I sure know you would like to see your DIL

All the best dear

Hi, thank you for your thoughtful contribution.

The problem is that, she is upset about my not being able to visit during easter and this is made her hostile to me, I call her to say hi ever since then and the only thing she wants to hear is when I'm coming, I say I can't find time yet and she starts saying things.

My man thinks it's best I go alone as that's what she wants but I've told him my stand on that, he's the one at loss on how to convince his mum as regards that.

I'm not giving excuses, I just don't have the time yet, I have a project at work and it's taking so much of my time, I wasn't in the country for easter and I haven't been around much since then, I'm also traveling to the US in a couple of days, so how am I going to spend the time she wants with her, moreso this period? I just only need her to listen first, not sounding angry and nagging me, before any other thing.

^^^^^preternatura1, if that's the case then she isn't being understanding.. . Also, your man has to do a better job explaining things to her...

But I still suggest you at least give her a time frame during which you think you'll be disposed to pay her a visit,I believe this will give her some kinda relief... Remember he's her only son so she'll be eager to spend some time with the lady he wants to marry...

ehhh, why the insistence on you coming alone?

Again, All the best dear, 'ije love' no easy oo

Preternatura1:

Your last lines make me laugh, you still are a work in progress. Amongst other reasons, why i say you stick to your guns of him following you is you might not handle situations well when his mum display some innocent difficult acts as well as to start now in setting boundaries so that him and his mum cant just expect you to do anything she wants. Fixed a date dear, this will grease most of the stiffness you are facing. Trust me, his mum is a good person. Send a PM, if you will.

@Preternatura1 if i may chip in a little, i just dont understand why your mother in law wants you to come spend time with her for the very first time alone as in its the first time you would be seeing her right? When i wanted to go spend time with my fiance's mother for the first time i wanted to go on a thursday but my fiance refused and said i should come on a friday cos he didnt want me to be alone with her so soon after i came. Note his mother is not a difficult person at all so it wasnt like he was trying to protect me or anything just that he felt that he should be there that first time. So he spent saturday and sunday with us before going to work on monday so i just dont understand why your man would even consider your going alone for the very first time. Anyway stick to your guns of going with him the first time. These our mothers should take it easy on their prospective daugthers in law kwanu. It doesnt have to be so difficult. Or maybe its a tradition in their place? Like the babe that said her own wanted to bath with her? Hahaha the things i hear these days.....

@preternatura1

let me add my two cents, please bear with me, I can be a bit thick in the head plus I am trying to looking at it from a different direction

You future MIL is asking you to come and spend time with her abi? to me it appears she is trying to get to know you, simple and short.
She wants to have a feel of your type of person outside of the usual situations, I suspect she might also be trying to develop a relationship with you independent of her son's influence. Not a bad thing. Her son loves you for a reason, she might just be looking for her own reason to love you independent of the reason(s) he's given her. You not going and forming I'm busy is a slight simple and short, depending on how you frame it, what she might be hearing is "I don't want to spend time with you" hence her telling you, you might not be the right one for my son. Face it, his mom is a gate/bridge you have to cross before you marry the fellow, you can use agidi to cross or you can use one of them many skills we men are forever being told you women have . Also, if someone slights you and keeps calling to say hi(not sorry o...hi) will you let it go that easy?

There's a post somewhere where the OP or someone said women should stop asking men to choose between them and his mother, it's a silly and unfair choice. Don't go down that road. She probably feels a bit intimidated by you, keep that in mind and go easy on her. All she wants is to know who is going to look after her son or did he tell you she has a preferred candidate somewhere else?

If your main fears are the language and chores bit, nobody's perfect plus her son has already decided so how much more of a difference will it make? have you considered the possibility that you and she just might hit it off despite the difference between you two? granted there are stories of bad MIL-DIL relationships but don't let that deter you from trying to make yours different, dont make her an enemy before the marriage. I think you should schedule a period (doesn't have to be as long as she would like it to be), use small words, try and understand the way she thinks, and let her teach you to cook something...lol. you'll survive it...trust me.

Your story is similar to my parents, my dad's mum was not educated(married young and lived in village all her life), my mum is very bookish and they are even from diff parts of the country so there was no common language. You don't have to be as thick as thieves with her, she just has to know that you can and will look after her son QED.

Floodgater:
A major part of the high risk she meant is that older men like that yet unmarried have issues and tend to go for younger girls they think they can easily handle, exceptions exist too. Like thorpido says, he needs a wife more than a lover hence his actions not necessary the phleg thing as phlegs love like others too. The major weight in babyosisi's statement is the age. In your heart of hearts are you comfortable with the over 10yrs difference (guessing), do you know and are you ready to go with the issues associated with such wide gap age union. As for what you fear concerning the church thing, i wrote something on page 91 about it. I still think she would not have expressly adviced in that direction if he was younger.

Your posts are always insightful!! It will be easier to read if you employ the use of paragraphs

Thanks

brunnette4real:
Finances,yes.he is a contract staff with an oil servicing firm,so he is looking at getting a permanent job or starting a bizness,he also said he is not convinced I'm his wife yet,that he needs to pray before taking that life decision.But,if he finds his wife this year,even if he doesn't have money for wedding he will pay her brideprice this year.that he really desire me for a wife but God has d final say.
He has good xter and has being there for me always.
I was thinking if I should call him&try to see him ,cos I don't want it to look as if I'm pushing him away or I don't care just to maintain our friendship,or should I leave him the way he is?

How long has he been working as a contract staff? What is his discipline there? If he is in Engineering department, he can always apply to other places.

There was a guy who was in his same shoes and even got sacked due to the oil price fall. He is a nairalander and shared his story how he got a job as an expat in a foreign country. This was in March or there about. I will look for the link and share with you. You man already has an experience in the industry so that shouldn't be a problem.

Preternatura1,

Your mans behavior has shown he has no handle on his mom. You shouldn't have even been the one to explain much,he should have done that and his mom should have respected his explanation.. Any calls from you should have been to reaffirm what your guy said and reassure her,to tell her very soon you will come etc etc that she will even be the one tired of seeing you.It's good you placate her but at the same time don't go and over do just to please her and your man.At the same time,don't allow yourself to be insulted,you are not married to him yet!!

I wouldn't go to sleep over in any MIL house alone you are NOT married to him neither have your parents given their stamp of approval.Did they accept for you to go and spend time with her? Have they come to see your people?You can visit and go home the same day with your guy simple..all this over exposure is not necessary in my opinion. If you both got on at the first meeting,it would be a different thing as you would even be more willing.She has already been critical and insulting so how does she expect you to be eager to spend time with her.Respect and affection go both ways.

She has been very bold to tell you that she doesn't think you are right for her son,and even gone to the extent of saying you don't value the relationship all because you are too busy to visit at the moment.What will she say when you now truly offend her?
I put it to you that you may likely have it rough with her except you always bend to what she wants.
An excellent relationship takes understanding,communication and respect not force and threats.

While your parents were a bit horrified by his mannerism they didn't throw it in his face neither did they call him to lecture him.
Its all good to make excuses but I am married to someone who last year couldn't stand up to his mother when she was obviously wrong,you are sliding down the same slippery slope and you'd better wake up and sort this out before it snowballs.

You are busy,you have work to do,you will make out time to visit and go same day.She should be telling you she understands,Pele on all the work you are doing,ahh that you should come and spend time so she can pet you and help relieve the stress.That is a welcoming and reasonable MIL.


Its best you face facts and see the reality on ground no excuses.She may change she may not change.Taking the risk is up to you.All the signs are there for you to see,at least in her favour she's not pretending.
Believe me when I say a hostile MIL is enough to call off a relationship EXCEPT when the love is like do or die OR if you have a supportive and strong willed man who will check any excesses..anything less than this and you will be shortchanging yourself


You should never ever accept ultimatums from anyone,it is unnecessary at this stage.The problem doesn't just lie with her,It is your guy that's not alarmed at her hostility and rude words instead he's turning around and getting angry at you despite knowing that your hands are tied.You should let him know that he should be protecting you and politely explaining to her his stand..That he says no to her doesn't mean he doesn't love her.Alarm bells should be ringing in your head when already it's turning into you vs her.It's not necessary at all!! A wise man would see this danger and fix it now now!!

PS..I'm glad you got your house help back..I don't believe in punishing yourself with unnecessary chores when you can afford to pay someone to do it.No point starting what you can't finish.. No point over compromising on ur part and his,frustration may take over.

DO NOT push this under the rug and feel it's a one off,i will keep emphasizing that you STUDY THE FAMILY properly before committing yourself to him.She may be good,she may not be good.She may be traditional,still doesn't mean she has to be rude to make her point.Maybe this is a phase,i dunno.

I say this because if i had handled my SILs and their snide crude comments from the get go,i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have had issues at all.

Don't forget that being respectful and kind is key but don't accept insults!! If you do,it will never end!
GOOD LUCK!!
*Back to the shadows*

Madampinkolo:
Preternatura1,

Your mans behavior has shown he has no handle on his mom. You shouldn't have even been the one to explain much,he should have done that and his mom should have respected his explanation.. Any calls from you should have been to reaffirm what your guy said and reassure her,to tell her very soon you will come etc etc that she will even be the one tired of seeing you.It's good you placate her but at the same time don't go and over do just to please her and your man.At the same time,don't allow yourself to be insulted,you are not married to him yet!!

I wouldn't go to sleep over in any MIL house alone you are NOT married to him neither have your parents given their stamp of approval.Did they accept for you to go and spend time with her? Have they come to see your people?You can visit and go home the same day with your guy simple..all this over exposure is not necessary in my opinion. If you both got on at the first meeting,it would be a different thing as you would even be more willing.She has already been critical and insulting so how does she expect you to be eager to spend time with her.Respect and affection go both ways.

She has been very bold to tell you that she doesn't think you are right for her son,and even gone to the extent of saying you don't value the relationship all because you are too busy to visit at the moment.What will she say when you now truly offend her?
I put it to you that you may likely have it rough with her except you always bend to what she wants.
An excellent relationship takes understanding,communication and respect not force and threats.

While your parents were a bit horrified by his mannerism they didn't throw it in his face neither did they call him to lecture him.
Its all good to make excuses but I am married to someone who last year couldn't stand up to his mother when she was obviously wrong,you are sliding down the same slippery slope and you'd better wake up and sort this out before it snowballs.

You are busy,you have work to do,you will make out time to visit and go same day.She should be telling you she understands,Pele on all the work you are doing,ahh that you should come and spend time so she can pet you and help relieve the stress.That is a welcoming and reasonable MIL.


Its best you face facts and see the reality on ground no excuses.She may change she may not change.Taking the risk is up to you.All the signs are there for you to see,at least in her favour she's not pretending.
Believe me when I say a hostile MIL is enough to call off a relationship EXCEPT when the love is like do or die OR if you have a supportive and strong willed man who will check any excesses..anything less than this and you will be shortchanging yourself


You should never ever accept ultimatums from anyone,it is unnecessary at this stage.The problem doesn't just lie with her,It is your guy that's not alarmed at her hostility and rude words instead he's turning around and getting angry at you despite knowing that your hands are tied.You should let him know that he should be protecting you and politely explaining to her his stand..That he says no to her doesn't mean he doesn't love her.Alarm bells should be ringing in your head when already it's turning into you vs her.It's not necessary at all!! A wise man would see this danger and fix it now now!!

PS..I'm glad you got your house help back..I don't believe in punishing yourself with unnecessary chores when you can afford to pay someone to do it.No point starting what you can't finish.. No point over compromising on ur part and his,frustration may take over.

DO NOT push this under the rug and feel it's a one off,i will keep emphasizing that you STUDY THE FAMILY properly before committing yourself to him.She may be good,she may not be good.She may be traditional,still doesn't mean she has to be rude to make her point.Maybe this is a phase,i dunno.

I say this because if i had handled my SILs and their snide crude comments from the get go,i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have had issues at all.

Don't forget that being respectful and kind is key but don't accept insults!! If you do,it will never end!
GOOD LUCK!!
*Back to the shadows*

Madam the madame

bukatyne:


Madam the madame

It's a mattarof caashhh

Gurrevening ma..Make i disappia

Madampinkolo:
Preternatura1,

Your mans behavior has shown he has no handle on his mom. You shouldn't have even been the one to explain much,he should have done that and his mom should have respected his explanation.. Any calls from you should have been to reaffirm what your guy said and reassure her,to tell her very soon you will come etc etc that she will even be the one tired of seeing you.It's good you placate her but at the same time don't go and over do just to please her and your man.At the same time,don't allow yourself to be insulted,you are not married to him yet!!

I wouldn't go to sleep over in any MIL house alone you are NOT married to him neither have your parents given their stamp of approval.Did they accept for you to go and spend time with her? Have they come to see your people?You can visit and go home the same day with your guy simple..all this over exposure is not necessary in my opinion. If you both got on at the first meeting,it would be a different thing as you would even be more willing.She has already been critical and insulting so how does she expect you to be eager to spend time with her.Respect and affection go both ways.

She has been very bold to tell you that she doesn't think you are right for her son,and even gone to the extent of saying you don't value the relationship all because you are too busy to visit at the moment.What will she say when you now truly offend her?
I put it to you that you may likely have it rough with her except you always bend to what she wants.
An excellent relationship takes understanding,communication and respect not force and threats.

While your parents were a bit horrified by his mannerism they didn't throw it in his face neither did they call him to lecture him.
Its all good to make excuses but I am married to someone who last year couldn't stand up to his mother when she was obviously wrong,you are sliding down the same slippery slope and you'd better wake up and sort this out before it snowballs.

You are busy,you have work to do,you will make out time to visit and go same day.She should be telling you she understands,Pele on all the work you are doing,ahh that you should come and spend time so she can pet you and help relieve the stress.That is a welcoming and reasonable MIL.


Its best you face facts and see the reality on ground no excuses.She may change she may not change.Taking the risk is up to you.All the signs are there for you to see,at least in her favour she's not pretending.
Believe me when I say a hostile MIL is enough to call off a relationship EXCEPT when the love is like do or die OR if you have a supportive and strong willed man who will check any excesses..anything less than this and you will be shortchanging yourself


You should never ever accept ultimatums from anyone,it is unnecessary at this stage.The problem doesn't just lie with her,It is your guy that's not alarmed at her hostility and rude words instead he's turning around and getting angry at you despite knowing that your hands are tied.You should let him know that he should be protecting you and politely explaining to her his stand..That he says no to her doesn't mean he doesn't love her.Alarm bells should be ringing in your head when already it's turning into you vs her.It's not necessary at all!! A wise man would see this danger and fix it now now!!

PS..I'm glad you got your house help back..I don't believe in punishing yourself with unnecessary chores when you can afford to pay someone to do it.No point starting what you can't finish.. No point over compromising on ur part and his,frustration may take over.

DO NOT push this under the rug and feel it's a one off,i will keep emphasizing that you STUDY THE FAMILY properly before committing yourself to him.She may be good,she may not be good.She may be traditional,still doesn't mean she has to be rude to make her point.Maybe this is a phase,i dunno.

I say this because if i had handled my SILs and their snide crude comments from the get go,i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have had issues at all.

Don't forget that being respectful and kind is key but don't accept insults!! If you do,it will never end!
GOOD LUCK!!
*Back to the shadows*

The thread can be funny
I told the girl the man's mother was unwise in her choice of words and about 9 people disagreed with me ( by thanking someone who said they didn't agree) and here about 9 agree with you for saying the same thing
Lol
You have hit the nail on the head
Gbai
I told her to be prepared for a tough MIL/ DIL relationship ahead
The handwriting is on the wall
A woman insisting on overnight visits and her son hasn't carried even one bottle of mineral to her father's place
I won't advise any woman I know to go his spend a night in any boyfriend's mothers house alone without the man she knows in that house
What for?
Why set yourself up in that manner

Like I told the Igbo wife asking on a thread who to kneel for in her husband's family
I said nne if this kneeling thing will be a problem please stand on your two feet from day one and greet them respectfully so everyone knows that's your style from the get go
No need kneeling and cursing them under your breathe

Honestly if a boyfriends mom told me that I wasn't right for her son because I couldn't come to spend Easter with her,I must really love that madly man and he would have convinced me beyond any reasonable doubts that his mom was in error for me to continue with him.

netotse:
@preternatura1

let me add my two cents, please bear with me, I can be a bit thick in the head plus I am trying to looking at it from a different direction

You future MIL is asking you to come and spend time with her abi? to me it appears she is trying to get to know you, simple and short.
She wants to have a feel of your type of person outside of the usual situations, I suspect she might also be trying to develop a relationship with you independent of her son's influence. Not a bad thing. Her son loves you for a reason, she might just be looking for her own reason to love you independent of the reason(s) he's given her. You not going and forming I'm busy is a slight simple and short, depending on how you frame it, what she might be hearing is "I don't want to spend time with you" hence her telling you, you might not be the right one for my son. Face it, his mom is a gate/bridge you have to cross before you marry the fellow, you can use agidi to cross or you can use one of them many skills we men are forever being told you women have . Also, if someone slights you and keeps calling to say hi(not sorry o...hi) will you let it go that easy?

There's a post somewhere where the OP or someone said women should stop asking men to choose between them and his mother, it's a silly and unfair choice. Don't go down that road. She probably feels a bit intimidated by you, keep that in mind and go easy on her. All she wants is to know who is going to look after her son or did he tell you she has a preferred candidate somewhere else?

If your main fears are the language and chores bit, nobody's perfect plus her son has already decided so how much more of a difference will it make? have you considered the possibility that you and she just might hit it off despite the difference between you two? granted there are stories of bad MIL-DIL relationships but don't let that deter you from trying to make yours different, dont make her an enemy before the marriage. I think you should schedule a period (doesn't have to be as long as she would like it to be), use small words, try and understand the way she thinks, and let her teach you to cook something...lol. you'll survive it...trust me.

Your story is similar to my parents, my dad's mum was not educated(married young and lived in village all her life), my mum is very bookish and they are even from diff parts of the country so there was no common language. You don't have to be as thick as thieves with her, she just has to know that you can and will look after her son QED.

This woman is not her MIL
They are not married yet in fact he hasn't even gone with wine to her people
So don't put her at that level yet
If her explanations that she couldn't honor her invitation due to prior engagement is what you call being slighted so be it
Must all her invitations be honored?
When an mil to be begins to set ultimatums and make determinations on who is right for her son and who isn't based on frivolous selfish things ,the son needs to redirect her and stand up for the woman he is courting and the woman has to know without a shadow of a doubt that he is on her side.
How can this MIL to be label her not fit for his son,no be the son find am?
Who is she to make that determination?
At this stage,if she cannot get that assurance that this man is on her side 100%,she needs to walk
It's not worth the headache
Let his mother go find him a wife of her choice that will do her bidding

babyosisi:


This woman is not her MIL
They are not married yet in fact he hasn't even gone with wine to her people
So don't put her at that level yet
If her explanations that she couldn't honor her invitation due to prior engagement is what you call being slighted so be it
Must all her invitations be honored?
When an mil to be begins to set ultimatums and make determinations on who is right for her son and who isn't based on frivolous selfish things ,the son needs to redirect her and stand up for the woman he is courting and the woman has to know without a shadow of a doubt that he is on her side.
How can this MIL to be label her not fit for his son,no be the son find am?
Who is she to make that determination?
At this stage,if she cannot get that assurance that this man is on her side 100%,she needs to walk
It's not worth the headache
Let his mother go find him a wife of her choice that will do her bidding

Sorry ma, you re begining to get it wrong with this ur advice.
You start well with this thread but the kind of advice you are giving to young ladies.....ee
God will help them.
I'm wondering where the wisdom for some of these your advices came from, from your experience? You got it wrong.
Experience is never the best teacher mind you.
All these your advices that has no scriptural backing,
Dere is God oh!
It seems you went to America and forgot that we are from Africa and we have culture?
MOST OF YOUR ADVICES HERE ARE SO BAD AND DECEIVING.