First of all, I will start off by introducing myself, my name is James s. Parkard and I died and went to hell.
The story is, at the age of twenty I graduated from the university of Benin, on my birthday my friend called me I told me about my result, I really have thought my self as someone of above average intelligence but pardon my french my result was shit. I received the news calmly, switched off my phone, entered my mother's car and drove off in a bid to clear my mind, many things swarmed my mind, is it that the little beef I had with Mr osariemen made him slash, mutilate and chop my grades, how is the future going to be with this shit of a result, damn. I wished that the rapture would just take place and the world would end. Meanwhile my foot was locked to the pedal, the car ascending gently in speed like a well bred mustang horse, my mind was not on the road, it was as if I was speeding to my twin fates, death and hell.
On the dahboard, the clocklike speedometer eventually reached my favourite 100 km, I still it coarsed it smoothly further, seeking to relief to my pain by speeding off, away from the problems pursuing me, away from everything, I realised two things there and then, that sometimes you work so hard but you don't succeed and secondly, that there stood a boy in my way, transfixed, wide eyed, struck like catalepsis, his hands held out in front of him as if he could in de most magical or supernatural means stop the speeding machine that would bring death to him.
Haaaaaaaa, hmmmn. Adrenaline, slapped into the real world by the realisation that I might take a child's life, my foot scampered for the break, it could not find it at first, but when found it, I pressed down hard, the car screeched like a mad horse, but refused to obey it's master, it edge on, it's intent, either to murder the boy or to bring me swift, terrible death, I made a decision then, I swerved the car to my right, into a dense forest, which guarded both sides of road in dim silence, being a grave for many people who had left the road, it accepted them, their spirits howled in its silence. From my rear mirror, some how I think I saw the grim reaper, it was smiling, his scythe pointed towards me, his hood covered his face, so dark, that not even the sun of the afternoon could pierce it. I saw it a huge tree in front of me, the grim reaper smiled, I wanted to scream but long ago, I swore that I won't die crying, I would die smiling, so everybody would know dat I think life is shit.
My car hit the big tree, it felt like a slow motion movie, ferried in a continous chain of simultaneous event, I hit my chest on the steering, the footlocker of the car compressed pinning my foot, the glass of the wind screen collapsed hitting me hard on the head, then everything stopped, I slowly lifted my head, thick droppings of blood oozed thickly from my head, I looked back the Grim reaper stared back at me surprised, it seemed as if he got the wrong name of the person to die, for the moment I thought he was going to excuse himself and ask to recheck his dead people register, I grinned mischievously, he looked stunned, I hoofed out a thin laughter, the grim reaper suddenly looked up and smiled naughtily, he pointed upwards and pantomined urghh dat will hurt, the big tree was falling. I saw my life flicker past, I saw my mum, my dad, my girlfriend, the day we met, the day she cried for me when I removed my appendix, I was the only child of my parents now I die. I bleeped up, the grim reaper had won, I saw horror and screamed, he hoffed, I bleeped up, I died.
I felt as if I was drowning, I knew I had died, I force was pulling very fast that I could not breath, it pulled to my knees in an open field, you see my friends and readers, I know you keep imagining the judgement day as a night where people would queue in front of a giant golden throne but now allow me to give you a firsthand account. I was judge by myself, all my guilt, my sins, my sweet first time sex, my numerous steamy one night stands, my well contorted lies to my parent, my sweet baileys drunkenness, my girlfriends, perfect body and face became repulsive, I churned my stomach I vomited, stood up, automatically went to the left side called hell. I cried on my way, I was stopped by two guards at the gate of hell who asked my name, I said it and they checked their manual register and biometric computer, when they checked their lappi for my name I was suprised to see that it was the facebook profile pic which I posed with my girlfriend but someone tactfully cropped off my girlfriend image off. I was given numerous souvenirs like a shirt which read, HELL IS HOT, CITIZENS OF HELL ARE EQUALLY HOT. SEXY HOT. One of the guard asked me to a large room labelled REGISTERATION.
It was a large room, filled with many people,with some many computers,i walked to one of the ladies in charge of a computer, she briefly looked at me, asked my name, I replied, James s. Parkard, she asked my nationality, I said Nigerian, he peered at me, then cooed that she was nigerian before her own death, she asked if I was mixed, I said yes, I then told her my father was Italian, she smiled, I would have gone for the kill, use my favorite move to get her phone number but I was in hell, for God sake. She then asked cause of death, I went on to explain the whole story which I am telling you guys, she just put accident, and asked me to go to the arrival hall and wait, she smiled seductively, and wrote her number on a piece of paper and asked me to call her later. I walked stiffly to the arrival hall to see demons sitting down, I screamed, they were sitting tiredly but on seeing me jumped up, snatched me and dragged me to the door, I decided I would have to fight back, the guards stood smiling curiously, I punched one of the demons and kicked the other ones balls, the two fell remaining three, I bit the third ones finger and he fell back, the fourth one, the demon that was drinking beer when I came in ran back in fear, I had seen the beer labelled heinenken but I tot I might be some demon energy drink. I was in a standoff mode with the demons that circled me, then one of them removed his mask revealing hmmmm, a familiar face, it was my dead cousin, all of them removed their mask they were friends and family, even the little demon that sat watching the whole fracas suddenly removed his mask it was my junior bro that died at age six, he ran and hugged me, we sat gisting.
Oboy I think hell na fire ooo, I said
Even me bros, I think say na wan big volkano o. Bros when I come na winter, snow dey fall for he'll. One demon replied.
So e been dey get European weather.
The demon replied affirmatively.
I started hearing my favorite song, November rain by gunz nd roses, I smilled someone was rocking my jamz. I looked at my dead family and friends, their faces had contorted into sadness, don't leave us jamizee, one of my friends pleaded, I looked confused, I can't leave nah, I am dead, I replied. Don't pick that call, dead younger bro begged. I put my hand in my pocket and felt my phone.
I woke up sweating, my phone was ringing in earnest, it was my best friend, igwembee, I picked the call, his voice drenched my ear with oboy, final result don show ooo. I sighed, free dat level jare, I no dey well here. Mtcheew. When I see my result, e go see me, e no dey run. Mtcheew, I cut the call, de igbo, hemp wey mama Sunday dey sell no be better stuff, I always dey see stuff when I smoke am. Last time na dinosaur o follow talk now na, dead body. Mtcheew, na because baba dudu tunde travel, I no dey follow that woman buy, she always they put ugu leaf for her igbo make e many. Ehen, I still remember the number that the computer girll gave me. Na 08159861174, so if u wna contact sexy hell girl call am.

K
That hemp get 7 lives

I guess U will work hard to make hell wen U die.