OluwaChinenyenwa:
He is. His mum still dictates his moves, well not every moves.. His mother knows i am not the kinda girl she is gonna want to mess with

And am not surprised at all. And this is how the resentment and unnecessary defense starts. Soon we will here how it turned out physical with your mother inlaw.

For the LOVE OF GOD young lady you are yet to be married and you already carrying this dirty and nasty thought up in your head.

Its just so so unfortunate. Good luck to you in your quest.

bennyrazz:
whichever way it goes, I would like you to learn one thing which is "humility".

she's a London girl.
Op,you need to learn some things about marriage.

Op,I don't think your mother-in-law to be is making a request that is absurd.Since you are Africans,it makes sense to have a traditional wedding on your soil.Moreover,she would want her people to attend.You say your father is yoruba and the guy you want to marry is yoruba too.You guys can get a hall somewhere in Lagos and have the traditional wedding done there.

thorpido:
she's a London girl.
Op,you need to learn some things about marriage.

na only she dem first born for London ni that is not even a yardstick at all. A woman/lady with a caustic mouth/behavior would only do more harm than good to her relationship. Reasons why MIL might not like her is not farfetched.

bennyrazz:
na only she dem first born for London ni that is not even a yardstick at all. A woman/lady with a caustic mouth/behavior would only do more harm than good to her relationship. Reasons why MIL might not like her is not farfetched.

I don't mean everyone born in London must behave that way,it's just an expression that means being 'too westernized'.

thorpido:
I don't mean everyone born in London must behave that way,it's just an expression that means being 'too westernized'.

oh oh, I now understand your point. I wish her the best of luck

bennyrazz:


oh oh, I now understand your point. I wish her the best of luck

This one needs more than luck, she needs to be schooled on culture and traditions.

No babes, the brides family decide where you do the traditional Wedding according to Yoruba rites. One it will be cheaper to do it over here as she's coming over anyways and I guess she'll be coming down with friends and family but in the case where the grooms family are all based in Naija, omo I no know o.

With mine, it was easier to do it in the UK cos we all live here and my husband's family were coming over anyways for the wedding. It would have been a big occasion in Naija so we did a very small one prior to the wedding and just hosted close friends and family on a Thursday night in a very small hall. To be honest, it's all down to the family and the logistics of it.

To those saying traditional wedding must be done in Nigeria, no. You can have it done anywhere.

Your MIL is well within reason! In Africa, you are not considered married if you have not done your traditional marriage rites. It is even for your own good.

pickabeau1:


I think It is too premature for that conclusion as you don't know her so well

Is your fiancé an only child?

Nope.. He is not the only child.. First son tho

Beetle:
No babes, the brides family decide where you do the traditional Wedding according to Yoruba rites. One it will be cheaper to do it over here as she's coming over anyways and I guess she'll be coming down with friends and family but in the case where the grooms family are all based in Naija, omo I no know o.
With mine, it was easier to do it in the UK cos we all live here and my husband's family were coming over anyways for the wedding. It would have been a big occasion in Naija so we did a very small one prior to the wedding and just hosted close friends and family on a Thursday night in a very small hall. To be honest, it's all down to the family and the logistics of it.
To those saying traditional wedding must be done in Nigeria, no. You can have it done anywhere.

Thank you.. The traditional marriage can be held here but the mother said it must be in Nigeria..

Ewuro4:


My dear, friend had a similar case and let me tell you that she took it upon herself to search for her paternal grandparents in Nigeria. Her father wasn't even aware of his folks demise, this young lady met her grand aunts and her cousins. Even though they aren't that buoyant, they didn't ask for anything and still blessed her Union and that was it.

Do this if you can but if it's too much and mama is adamant on her quest, then ask your maternal grandparents.

As a parent , I want to know my kid spouses' roots as well so I don't think she's asking for too much.

I wish you best of luck. You need it.

I wanted to do that with my fiance but we actually dunno where to start from.. I can actually tell you the way to my mother's house in the village but i cant say same for my dads'

Thanks all the same

kaboninc:


You ask too many unnecessary and irrelevant questions. Hope am not the first to tell you....



Miss OluwaChinenyenwa I wanted to say (or write) something but this guy up there, did it for me.

You better know that you have a root, and your root has a culture and that culture is your identity.

Like Ewuro4 said, maybe you can try finding relatives from your paternal ancestry. They could help with answers as to why your dad is not in good terms with his family.

I know that, i see myself more as a yoruba girl than an igbo girl even though i was brought up with the igbo culture.. I have an identity, maternal identity.. This wouldnt have even been an issue if my MIL didnt bring up the traditional marriage ish..

@Crackhaus, thanks very much.. My dad's resent to all this now is why should MIL insist on coming home for the trad? He said its left for him to decide whether he wants his daughter to have a traditional marriage or not...

cococandy:

Well ask her first if she would be fine with representatives coming to stand in for you and your fiancé. If she agrees to that, then probably she has no other motives.
If you ask me, I wouldn't even suspect her of any other motives than that she would like to really know the family her son is marrying from. Which is not a bad thing.

Like some folks suggested, you can also ask your dad to help you locate his family. I really don't want to sound like I'm being rude to your dad but Na wa for him sha. Will he insist on not talking to his people even if it affects his kids?
his family members too are hard of heart. Your mom's only sin was being from another tribe yet until now that you're adult probably over two decades old,they won't relate with him for marrying her.
Such deep tribal hatred. What of his mom your grandma? She let her son go forever just for marrying a woman from another tribe?
At least they say mother's love is strong abi? Hmm

Pls don't judge your fiancé's mom harshly. I would be worried if my son was marrying from a line of such heart hardened folks.

If your dad and his folks won't make up, your only choice is your mom's folks. That's could be the only solution for you. Or will you keep leaving Fiancé after Fiancé? Unless you marry a non-african, most men you meet will want a traditional marriage.

His mother once visited my mum's family then, i was like four and my mum brought me down to stay with her mother to enable her finish up her degree.. She only came twice to Imo state and that was it. I never saw her again.
I understand my fiance's mother quite well, my mum also does but she asking for the traditional marriage to be done in Nigeria?
After all the white wedding plans? Why now? Why should she be the one to ask for a trad marriage?

hahn:


Leave. You deserve a real man, not a mama's boy.

Unless the mother is going to sponsor the whole trip to your town and back to London plus everything that has to do with the trad. However, if you follow through with her wishes don't be surprised when you come back home one day and find your kids with tribal marks

Funny

mcdokwe:
the argument that your dad was cast out might not hold water and is suspect. It might be linked to a more serious thing which could have been squealed to her. She is depending on your refusal to come home to confirm that and make her objections towards the marriage more prominent.

In Africa, traditional marriages are seen as the ultimate, my advice would be that since it isn't you that was cast out and the reason your dad isn't accepted in his home isn't grave, make arrangements to do the traditional rites if you love him enough and then carry on. You wouldn't want him to be rejected by his family too so that the chain continues down to your children, would you?

I really want to come home tbh, but coming home means holding the trad in Nigeria, right?? Whose hometown? My mum or my dad?? Mum? Yes and fine but its not allowed..
My dad is from Ogun while my fiance is from Ibadan? So who would have told my MIL anything concerning my paternal family's issues with my dad?
We can always hold the traditional marriage here but she doesnt want that..

SAMBARRY:
Your mil is already giving you a preamble or introduction to how overbearing she will be. Exercise your power of choice to either go ahead with the marriage and be ready for
Ww

or





walk away

Overbearing? More like it.. No offence meant to her but heck? The plans for the wedding were already in full gear when she came up with the Nigeria trad marriage? Hullo? Why?

bukatyne:
@OP:

Your MIL is not wrong asking for a traditional wedding:

From your posts, there seems to be two issues:

a. Your MIL wants you both to come to Nigeria to do it
b. Your dad is not in good terms with his family so you do not know where to do it.

A. Is your MIL open to doing it abroad? Is she open to people representing you both or doing without you? Or must it be in Nigeria?
If it must be in Nigeria, must it be your father's place? Can you do it at your parents' current location (Yorubas are generally not hung up on bride's village; it's more of bride's parent location)

B. Is your dad open to re-engaging his parents?

Nope.. She said it must be in Nigeria, my dad said if there should be any trad, it must be in London, which is our current location i.e my family as a whole..

And nope.. My dad is not open for any reconcillation whatsoever, reasons best known to him..

Miami11:
Hire some people to act as your dads people smh
Or get family friends to act as your father's kin

My mother in law was hell bent on having one as she even said I was from the wrong tribe as she says pretending to be her tribe

My paternal families also did not accept my mum
So my traditional had only my moms side families and it worked and dad
Only you and hubby decide what you want.

I think thats her own problem @bolded..
I speak more of igbo than yoruba, i cook igbo dishes, dunno how to make the yoruba dishes and that was a raised eye issue the first time i met her.. But her son isnt complaining!!

OluwaChinenyenwa:
I know that, i see myself more as a yoruba girl than an igbo girl even though i was brought up with the igbo culture.. I have an identity, maternal identity.. This wouldnt have even been an issue if my MIL didnt bring up the traditional marriage ish..

Yeah you have an identity... and its not your fault if by some means (from your dad's angle) you can't identify with your paternal identity. But you can take it up sha.

Then again, your bobo needs to do most of the appealing to his mum (your soon to be MIL). He has to, you know, try make his mum see reasons. I hope he has enough facts as you have told us here. I mean he knows all the things, detail by detail and even more as you've laid out here. That should properly guide him. Then again please don't tell us he's a mummy's boy else you shouldn't even think of marrying him. Biko, ejoor, support him. Everybody, including your dad must understand that it is your happiness (and your bobo's) that matter and the should look towards achieving it. Unless they don't want the union to be consummated.

Cheers.

salsera:
First off your dad is right.
Culturally you are Yoruba and you are the bride. You determine the location of the traditional.
Your mother-in-law knows this since your fiancé is Yoruba too.

So her instance on trad in Nigeria when culturally 'awon na wa toro iyawo' has veiled meaning.


Your dad maybe hard hearted but that issue with his family was his decision. Your mum in law does not want to have her son marry into a family whose Yoruba relatives she does not see or know. I don't think using your marriage to force your dads hand to reconcile with his roots is reasonable of her.

It was her son who made the decision to get back with you and marry you.

You and your fiance need to sit down and talk about your future without parental influence or else these scenarios will come up in the future.


If you do decide to reach out to your dads side do it because you want to get to know them. But brace yourself though you may be in for some strong issues that your dad may not want to clarify

Thank you!!!
Its left for i and my family to make host the traditional marriage but she said it has to be in Nigeria.. My hometown ofcourse.. Ohh and i have never been there!!! The son thinks the mum is kinda sketchy with her demand too though he doesnt want to confront the mum about that..
My dad said he is the only child.. Who else do i want to reach out to if not his folks? Where do i start from?
I am so tired...

kaboninc:


Yeah you have an identity... and its not your fault if by some means (from your dad's angle) you can't identify with your paternal identity. But you can take it up sha.

Then again, your bobo needs to do most of the appealing to his mum (your soon to be MIL). He has to, you know, try make his mum see reasons. I hope he has enough facts as you have told us here. I mean he knows all the things, detail by detail and even more as you've laid out here. That should properly guide him. Then again please don't tell us he's a mummy's boy else you shouldn't even think of marrying him. Biko, ejoor, support him. Everybody, including your dad must understand that it is your happiness (and your bobo's) that matter and the should look towards achieving it. Unless they don't want the union to be consummated.

Cheers.

He knows everything.. Told him everything just the way my mum told me..
I think he already told his mother and she didnt buy that.. She thinks the story is a fishy one..

Thanks though

OluwaChinenyenwa:
He knows everything.. Told him everything just the way my mum told me..
I think he already told his mother and she didnt buy that.. She thinks the story is a fishy one..

Thanks though

Typical mum and you're not exempted!

She only wants whats best for her son. Just be patience and understand her. Hopefully, she also come to accept you. After all, orphans get married and live beautiful lives.

OluwaChinenyenwa:
Nope.. He is not the only child.. First son tho

ok

OluwaChinenyenwa:
I really want to come home tbh, but coming home means holding the trad in Nigeria, right?? Whose hometown? My mum or my dad?? Mum? Yes and fine but its not allowed..
My dad is from Ogun while my fiance is from Ibadan? So who would have told my MIL anything concerning my paternal family's issues with my dad?
We can always hold the traditional marriage here but she doesnt want that..

holding a trad outside the native home of the brides family is an aberration, forget the growing trend of holding it in cities. Forget it, even if you are from Japan, a serious individual who is interested in the roots of a prospective daughter in law will know.

OluwaChinenyenwa:
Overbearing? More like it.. No offence meant to her but heck? The plans for the wedding were already in full gear when she came up with the Nigeria trad marriage? Hullo? Why?

count your cost. Only you can determine whether or not to go on with the wedding with the kain domineering mil you have

capricun:


This one needs more than luck, she needs to be schooled on culture and traditions.

you can go ahead and school her

I think your MIL wants you to have the traditional marriage in Nigeria because it's her base which will allow her peeps to celebrate with her. Not all her friends and family will be able to fly to London for the wedding.

Having said that, i think she should reason with you and your family and have everything here in London. Whatever rancour your dad has with his family is absolutely his business. His hands shouldn't be twisted to make peace with his family because her daughter wants to get married. He should do it in his own time.

My advice is to speak your fiance into convincing your future MIL and i'm sure you know what to do if she's not convinced.

Nothing absurd about ur soon to be mother-in-laws request. Maybe she is suspecting something wrong with your lineage that's why she is insisting.

Try to convince your dad to come to nigeria. If he refuses, you come to Nigeria and get one of your mums brothers to represent him.

ayaomoade:
I think your MIL wants you to have the traditional marriage in Nigeria because it's her base which will allow her peeps to celebrate with her. Not all her friends and family will be able to fly to London for the wedding.

Having said that, i think she should reason with you and your family and have everything here in London. Whatever rancour your dad has with his family is absolutely his business. His hands shouldn't be twisted to make peace with his family because her daughter wants to get married. He should do it in his own time.

My advice is to speak your fiance into convincing your future MIL and i'm sure you know what to do if she's not convinced.

I also think the same way, not all her family members or friends may afford the cost of coming to london to do the wedding, either traditional or white and your fiance is her first son, it isn't fair to her to do everything abroad. Moreover, most trad wedding in lagos now are held in halls, you guys can rent one and invite your family members, no one will ask if they are from your maternal or paternal side ( since most likely everyone is wearing asoebi)

pickabeau1:


An only child dilemma...

Has your father made any moves over the years to reach out to his father and mom and what was the result of such overtures

Your mum gave u an account //// Have u asked your dad

Did your mum ever attempt to reach out to her inlaws knowing she was married to an only child or she was happy with the state of things

Speak to your father

This may be the opportunity for him to reach out after all these years

There is nothing absurd in holding trad at home

seriously i find what her dad and mum did very bad. Not trying to put blames on them but you can't even go back after all these years that the dispute has thawed. Yeah, what the parents did at that time was wrong but for her dad to not go back and see his parents who trained and gave birth to him and for the wife not to have nugged him to go settle the rift is so bad i have no other words but disgust to describe their actions. People dey this world. I swear.

johnny1980:
seriously i find what her dad and mum did very bad. Not trying to put blames on them but you can't even go back after all these years that the dispute has thawed. Yeah, what the parents did at that time was wrong but for her dad to not go back and see his parents who trained and gave birth to him and for the wife not to have nugged him to go settle the rift is so bad i have no other words but disgust to describe their actions. People dey this world. I swear.

Maybe she was happy with the state of things....she won

OR he really hated them no matter what

pickabeau1:

Maybe she was happy with the state of things....she won

OR he really hated them no matter what

Looks more like she is happy with the situation and may have even encouraged him to abstain because if i were a girl and my man would part and be disowned by his parents because of me, then i don't think i can ever have peace of mind knowing the premise of my relationship to someone has brought extreme damage to what should be revered .

No matter what your parent did, you may not be on good terms, but totally alienating them because of choice of tribe of your bride for decades is highly disturbing. I would fear such man if i were to be the lady and may not even go through with the marriage.

I know the mum would always give a tales by moonlight story to her daughter on how she "tried" to mediate but we all know that's a big fat lie. She must have even fuelled it more or the story isn't complete because i can't wrap my mind around this. Except maybe her dad's mum was divorced from the Father prior to the wedding and he was brought up by his mum and was mal treated by his dad's family while growing up and the mum is currently dead. But even at that, the mum must have had sisters, brothers, uncles and stuff he could call his own.

There's more to this than meets the eyes. I wish her luck and happiness though.