Going out with Jide was exactly my getaway. I needed the
cool aura, the solemn oldies and the delicious sauced fried
snails of the restaurant. . . Jide is indeed a man of class
and I enjoyed every meal from the dessert to the main
course and to every music played that I couldn’t but store
the name of the restaurant in my petite medulla oblongata.
Can’t even remember the last time I went on a date or
treated myself purposelessly to a great meal but it definitely
would be two weeks today that I had my last ‘sexcapade’. . .
well, they are both nourishing to the body, it depends on
which is prioritized. In short, I had an obvious fun that has
shifted my attention more to the food aspect.

Finally, Jide pulled a stop in front of my humble No. 5
home. We were both silent throughout the ride except for
the part where he made a stop at KFC. A part of me was
really tired that all I wanted to do was run a hot bath and
sleep but the other part was willing to excitedly respond to
Amaka’s impending ‘ gist me ’ long-throat and the ‘ what did
you do when he did this?’ ‘what’s the unexpected that
happened?’ ‘Did you guys kiss?’ and I’d so vomit in her face,
God help me.

“I’m so glad you could squeeze out a time. I had a great
time.” He said, finally breaking the silence.

“Well, I had a nice time too. Thanks for the dinner and the
ride.”

“Anytime dear. . . And I must say you looked so delectable
tonight.”

I thought he never noticed and would never compliment me! God help am, I thought to myself but seriously I be fool o!
lol.

“Thanks. You look great too.”

Then he got down, came over to my side and opened the
door, ‘how gentlemanly’ and Amaka’s voice was screaming
in my head ‘Don’t be deceived’ lol. . . the girl no dey ever
trust guys like I was even better but she’s definitely worst
am except if she really likes the guy.

“Thanks.” I said finally stepping down from the cool breeze
of the AC.

“Don’t mention.”

“Let me walk you to the door and use that opportunity to
say hi to Amaka that’s if she’s around.”

“She should be.”

“And this is for Amaka”

He handed me a takeaway pack and I could smell it without
opening it and it was humming KFC.

“Ok. Thanks.”

I wanted to say he shouldn’t really have bothered but I have
learnt overtime not to tell a guy ‘ he shouldn’t have’ after he
already did. The truth is I’m glad he did but in the bid to be
courteous and all, we end up saying ‘ you really shouldn’t
have bothered’ when the bother dey sweet my belle as hell. A simple and sincere thank you says it all.

He slipped his palms into mine; I made a light and silent
chuckle. It kinda felt good; mine was cold, his was warm.

“Una weldone o! You go out? Welcome”

Hehehehehehehehehehehe; this woman will not kill me. Jide sef couldn’t hide his amusement. . . Mama Seun and her uncensored gbeboruns. . . I don’t even know what she was doing there. Most times, I tend to find her annoying and another time, hilarious . . . plus all the neighbours join
together but guess that’s what you get when you live in a
house with a funny plan as No. 5 and when your friend
refuses to answer the door bell. Abi Amaka don get
company?

Before I could even look sideways to reply Mama Seun, she
don vamoose and Amaka had finally opened the door. I
gave her a sharp look that speaks “wa a fe ku lale yi” in
Reminisce’s voice making sure she got the look.

“Hey!”

“Hello” Jide said, replying Amaka.

“You weren’t around when I came to pick her. . .”

“Yeah right. I took a walk. You guys should come in na!”

“Not to worry, I would just take my leave from here while
she come in.”

“Alright then. . . Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the
KFC too!”

“And who told you it's yours?” I chipped in

“And whose would it be if not mine. Wetin I sha know be
say, no be you buy am come house for me.”

“And who says I would buy something and bring home for
you?” I said rolling my eyes with Jide enjoying our mini
cartoon.

“Exactly my point! You can’t, you didn’t!”

“Whatever! Take, chop am and add am to your nicki ass!” I
hit her with it on the chest.

“No hard feelings bae, would gladly.”

“You girls are hilarious. . .

“Girls? Hello o! We grown ass women! We are ladies.”

Amaka cuts in.

“Pardon my slip of tongue. . . would love to be on my way
now ladies.”

“Well-said! Thanks for coming by. Goodnight.” Amaka said,
dashing off into the room, jamming the door loudly.

The girl is a fool, I don’t know what game she’s trying to
play leaving us two outside. I stood by the door balancing
on the ground with my 3 inch Alexander McQueen heels
that makes me a 6 ft 5”, a crop top and a jean. I love my
body; there’s no other way I love to admire myself than
when standing.

“Take care. Would call you tomorrow. . . Good night.”

“Good night Jide!”

I watched him enter his car, reverse and drove off till I
couldn’t see his car again and I guess that meant
something; something that’s not healthy for me!

* * * * * * * * * ** * *

It’s been two years since I broke contact with Jide until
now. Looking back and remembering all those things made
me wonder how much great and unpleasant histories we’ve
made together. I fell for him and our love was stronger than
Ode and Inale’s but it just couldn’t work.

I was in 300 level when we ended things. I can say Jide
was the first man I was ever serious with. Guess he was
just lucky. Sitting right with him in the car made me realize
how much of him I have missed.

“So how is work?”

“Well, work is fine. I bless God.” He replied.

“So really, how have you been? What have you been up to?”
he asked

“I have been good and I have been up to many things lately”
*like straffing my neighbour and all* (that I didn’t say)

“Hmmmmm. . . back to my question, where are you off to?”

“I’m going to Abeokuta. I have been posted there for my
Youth Service. Not resuming yet, but just going to do
certain things at the NYSC Secretariat and other stuffs
sha.”

“Wow! Congratulations; how time flies. I’m going to
Abeokuta too actually. I’m meeting an old friend.”

“Really, that means I would be riding with you throughout
the journey.”

“I guess so. . . but is there a problem?”

“Not at all.”

Anyways, I just lied. I can’t believe I’d see Jide again not to
talk of riding with him. No doubt we both were stealing
glances at each other but am I supposed to survive the
hours of flirting and checking outs? Really, this isn’t about
sex, this is about something much more sensitive;
rekindling an old flame.

“So have you been to Abeokuta before?” Jide asked.

“Not really but let’s just say I have. Just once anyways.”

“Okay. . . I hate to ask this but how is business? Are you
still into those stuffs?” he asked with so much hesitation in
his stuff.

“Well, if what you mean by business is if I’m still a sex
worker, well maybe I still do or maybe I still don’t but as
much as I’d love to discuss that with you, I can’t. No hard
feelings Jide.”

“I understand. Maybe I was out of line with that question
anyways.”

“You very funny! It’s no big deal.”


Jide can like to take blame for everything. *whatever that
rocks his boat jare.*

“Ok. If you say so. . . Are you in a relationship or serious
relationship?”

“Classified!”

“Wow! What happened to you?

*****************

It rang 6.00a.m. sharp. . . Nothing’s constant like the
precision of my alarm clock waking me up when it needed
to. Rising from the bed isn’t one of my favourite to do list
events but staying too long on the bed could make me sick.
. . Right! But staying on the bed all day long is Amaka’s
most hideous hobby. She calls it ‘beauty rest’! lmao! How I
wish that was really true; lazy Igbo girl!

The whole compound was silent except for the glorious
sounds coming from Mama Seun and her husband’s
quarters and that could only be one thing. Well, I am
impressed Mama Seun could make him sound that way but
I guess I make him yell!

“Really, early morning sexual fantasies?”

It was as if I was Riggan and there was a birdman voice but
the difference is I wasn’t tormented but bullied by a voice
not an inch closer to Birdman’s but very much similar to
Amaka’s.

“What?” I said facing her.

“Water. . . You make him yell!” she said spoiling her whole
face.

“Never knew I said that out!”

“Well you did!”

“And I thought you were sleeping. . .”

“And I was until you started becoming weird. . .”

“I wasn’t fantasizing, I was just. . ."

“Devil, I bind you. Commot here abeg! Shoo!”

. . . And she literally shut me up.

“Well, I am not going.”

“Well, you will!”

I could see her aiming for under the pillow, whatever she
was gonna bring, I don’t want to wait to see it, I dashed out
with my phone in hand, jamming the door behind me. I
could hear her hysterical laugh.

“I’m glad you fear me babe cos I wasn’t going to bring out
anything under that pillow except for my hair net which I
forgot to put on last night.”

“Go to hell!” I opened the door slightly and screamed back
at her.

“I love you too!” she said back.

I hit the showers and that’s the only thing I love about the
house apart from the kitchen. It has a ridiculous
structuring; a self-contain where me and Amaka stays,
more or less like a one-bedroom flat, it has a boys-quarters
with five rooms at the back where Mama Seun, her
husband and two kids share a room, Mama Titi and her
friend’s husband, literally, now her husband stays in
another, Papa Chinyere, Mama Chinyere and Chinyere in
one, Okon, Amaka’s unexplored virgin friend who I’m sure
Amaka would end up deflowering one day stays in another
and finally, Eliza who I think might be experiencing sexual
abuse from his father with all those breasts dangling
around stays in another with him. . . What a house setting I
must say!

I laid in the Jacuzzi, soaked myself soaked in bubble baths
in my strawberry shower gel with my headset tightly held to
my head, I hit the play button with Omawumi’s “Love
Wantintin” blasting through my ear drums and it felt like
heaven. Listening to her makes me soul come alive. She
has this voice indescribable, I call it a designer-voice! If you
hear Megbele, you’d know it’s her!

I was in this position enjoying the cool massage coming
from the bath and shuffling songs between Omawumi’s
“Stay Alive”, “In the Music”, “Niger Delta 1” and “Megbele”
for like 45 minutes. . . Maximally satisfied, I ran a cold
bath; I love a cold bath after a long-stretch of warmness. I
made for the room, Amaka was very much sleeping, she
doesn’t pretend but a little side talk or comment wakes her
up, she comments and trips off again.

I massaged my body gently with my luscious body lotion.
It’s my most expensive beauty routine item after my
clothes and heels. I slipped into a jean trouser, a crop top,
tied my hair in buns and I made for the sitting room. It was
already fifteen minutes past 7. I plugged in my phone to the
speaker and I was blasting Mocheedah’s “Destinambari”
featuring the king of Alobam, Phyno with all other songs
waiting in line after it. I made for the kitchen which was
only separated from the sitting room by some fine carvings
of wood work in a cute and sexy way.

One thing was sure, I was hyper-active this morning but
guess this was the good type. The only craving I have right
now is scrambled egg, bread and coffee. I set to it with my
Beyonce shaking to every blasting song. In less than five
minutes, my scrambled egg was ready and in another two
minutes, my coffee was ready and I never forgot to plan for
the devil’s meal with mine. . . Making the necessary
cleanings, Solid Star’s Oluchi was blasting and I couldn’t
resist the sweetness but had to switch on my Igbo dancing
skills.

“Shoo! Na dance be that? What are you even good at sef?
Sexual fantasies and scrambled eggs cos that definitely
smells nice.”

“Speaking of the devil some few minutes ago, I never knew
she would be up so soon.” I fired back at her making my
way to sit with my portion of the breakfast.

“Na me be devil o! but I won’t forget. Big sisters let things
slide. . . Anyways, the dance wasn’t that bad. You tried.”

“Thanks. . . What’s up with waking up early?” I turned to
face her only to discover she was off in the kitchen.

“Have you forgotten I have an appointment today? The
event planning proposal I have to deliver. You know I am
not the only one hoping to be awarded the contract.”

“So what time is your presentation?”

“10am and thereafter I am coming back home to sleep my
head off. It's just an hour presentation or even less than. ”

“You eating without brushing? No wonder your teeth is off-
white.” I said going to the kitchen to drop my empty plate
and cup.

“You know I tried to be so intimidated but I couldn’t be. You
know why? Cos you don’t need a filter for these teeth. It’s
whiter than your white pant!” she said, opening wide her
canine and molars. This girl is so disgusting, chai!

“And by the way, scramble eggs and coffee is like kissing to
me. You don’t remember brushing your teeth when you
wake up in the morning say 4-5am and you slam your
partner some crazy sloppy kisses. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do. The bathroom is waiting for you. Countdown to
10am.”

“Lest I forget, your coffee sucks, you need to learn from the
best, and I am the best, queen of coffee.

“Well, I am glad that sucked coffee fed your belly this
morning and remember to tell your future husband when
you feed him coffee as breakfast, lunch and dinner that you
are the queen of coffee!”

“I need not do that, you can do that when you meet him for
me. Crazy ass!” she said hitting me throwing splashes of
water from the sink at me as she went off to the bathroom.

“Wow! Looks like someone treated herself to a wonderful
bubble bath. . . and all those love songs you playing. . .”

“That was mere coincidence.” I fired back.

“Definitely!”

Then she stopped talking and all I could hear was splashes
of running water. In less than five minutes, Amaka was out;
the fastest ‘bather’ I ever know. The highest she ever
spends in the bathroom is 5minutes 60seconds and that’s
approximately six minutes. Then she came out all dress in
a white no-sleeved jumpsuit with her 7 inches braids all in
black tied in a bun, makeup and brows on fleek and her feet
perfectly rocking a 3 inches blue heels and a neutral
coloured purse, Amaka rocks into the sitting room like a
queen. It wasn’t only the makeup and brows that was on
fleek, the jumpsuit put the nicki minaj behind her on fleek.

“Awwww! You gorgeous darling.”

“I know that.”

“You are a fool, you can just say thanks and stop feeling
yourself.”

“You know I meant thank you and by the way, your Beyonce
is beginning to compete with my Nicki these days, are you
taking something for those kids?”

“You crazy!”

“So, what’s up with you and Jide? You like him I can tell.”
She asked sitting beside me on the sofa, facing me like she
wants to lie-detect me.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I said slightly
smiling and trying to avoid her eyes.

“Wow! You don’t like him, you love him and I can tell. It’s all
over you. . . Omo, this na ebola o! No cure for am”
“Craze dey worry you.”

“Anyways, we would talk more about this when I get back
but you have my full support in whatever your heart
requires and cook something before I get back.” She stood
to leave.

“Well, I have a date for 4pm and I might not be at home not
to talk of cooking for you.”

“Another date? Well, that’s good. Make sure you have fun
only if you remember to bring another KFC.”

“No be only KFC, na CFK!. . . But it’s not yet 10!”

*************

“Hi”

“Hello” I replied

That was Sola’s sister I guess. It was kinda weird, I mean
this type of date. Jide didn’t tell me we were going for lunch
at his parents. Too sudden I guess. Maybe he was
overwhelmed in the excitement and he his trying to taking
things a little bit up notch or he is trying to impress me.
Whichever way, I am here already and it’s too late to turn
back but I am definitely gonna make sure to tell him not to
pull that kind of surprises on me again. I’m not used to it. I
can only pray the lunch goes well.

“This is Sade Jones, my sister. Our last born. She is in the
University studying Food Technology. In her second year
actually.”

“Hi. It’s my pleasure to meet you.” I replied, facing the
sister and exchanging handshake with her. Which lady does handshake? Except me! Handshake is typical guys.

“And this is my brother, Femi Jones, he’s the 3rd born, after
me. He is in his finals at the University, studying Chemical
Engineering.”

“And finally, this is my big sister, she’s the first born of the
house, I came after her. She’s married and she came
around to spend some days with Mum and Dad with her
husband. She graduated four years ago with B. A. Mass
Communication and she’s an ace broadcaster. Her name is
Kayinsola and this is her husband, Uncle Funso.” He said
pointing facing their side.
“And their little baby Folakemi.”

“Good evening ma, it’s a pleasure to meet all of you.”

“It’s our pleasure to meet you too.” They said in chorus.
It’s like they’ve rehearsed it but yet I was still a little bit
uncomfortable. I am yet to meet the real goons of the
house; Mr. and Mrs. Jones.

Finally, the table was set and we all seated to eat when
Mrs. Jones walked in and I greeted her warmly and she
gave me a warm embrace not knowing who I am yet.
Maybe it never mattered for now because I was with her
son and she knows definitely the introduction is going to
come. With everybody seated except Mr. Jones, but not for
long as he walked in a top and short. His face looks
familiar. Can’t remember where but I hope it’s not where I
am thinking it is and I hope it’s just an assumption and that
hopefully none of us has ever seen each other before. He
sat down and was calm but I greeted him and he greeted
me too.

Jide blessed the meal and he told his family he wanted to
say something.

“Before we eat, I would want to introduce someone who all
my siblings have met except you Mum and Dad.”

“She is. . . “

“She is nobody!” Jide’s dad screamed.

Everyone was surprised and now it looks like my world was
gonna crash.

“Dad!”

“Son!” He screamed back at Jide.

“This is no girlfriend of yours."

“She isn’t my girlfriend yet dad but maybe soon but for now
she’s just a friend.”

I really wished Jide hasn’t said that, that wasn’t necessary
or maybe it was my feelings that was hurt.

“Well son, this is no friend of yours!”

“What’s going on here?” Jide’s elder sister, Kayinsola
asked, facing her dad.

“Hey young lady, stand up, on your feet.”
He screamed at me.

I couldn’t stand up, my feet were cold, it was obvious we
had met in the course of my rendezvous but I can’t
remember having anything to do with him.

“Do you remember me? Allen Venue, late last year, around
10pm?”

I was speechless still.

“You see son! This girl is a hooker! A prostitute. She sleeps
with men for money and the sexual enjoyment.” He said
facing Jide.

“And how do you know all of that Dad? 10pm? Allen
Avenue? What were you doing there?” He said with his
voice becoming violent towards his dad.

“I won’t have you question me in my own home or create
unnecessary fuss over this prostitute here. This lunch is
over.”

“Shall we?” Jide’s voice beckon on me to stand up.
I left without a word. I was broken. Jide never said a word
throughout the drive home. Even when he dropped me at
home, he never uttered a word or open the door of the car
for me as he used to. I sat for an hour in front of the house
speechless, sad and hurt. . .