Hello NLer's, I'm an ardent follower of this forum though I don't comment most times...would it be wrong if i say I'm one of the card carrying member of the NL-ROA Read-only association (Lol) pardonne moi!


My mum broke up with my Dad when I was still a baby...in other words I dint know her from adam or better still let me just say we dint have that closeness(mother and son) as a kid. I grew up with my step mum. I knew she was not my biological mum because I used to get gifts like wears and stuffs as a kid from my biological mum, life was hash with her but I still love her, reason is that she gave me the opportunity...to grow up with a motherly figure around.


My problem started when my mum appeared in the picture of which I was already in the university. she called my Dad that she would like me to come over to the UK where she lives now with my step brother and sisters. She also told me same. the Idea and understanding then was that once I'm done with school I'll be moving over to the UK. This idea altered my focus in life, i channelled all my energy and thinking towards that. I became what I wanted most. finishes school and elopes to the UK...was my life sound track then (Lol).


Well I've since graduated, I have gotten 3 different admissions (2 in the UK 1 in Canada which was last year and the one that broke the camel's back) for masters within a space of 4years. The issue now is that my mum after making too many promises in the past cannot keep to her word. Sorry to say but my mum is the most untrustworthy person I've ever come across in my life. Her words and promises is more epileptic than PHCN power supply. Today she give's you her word, tomorrow she disappears with it into oblivion...you won't here anything from her sometime's in 4-6months, you won't be able to reach her. The next thing she appears again full of apologies and excuses. I lost all that admission last year. not because of financial problems cause i know how much she's got in her Nigerian account. I'm not satisfied with her reasons and would no longer tolerate anybody playing with my life and ambition.


I'm working but with what I earn now, i would Need to save for 5-6years before i would be able pay my fees abroad. My mind is made up i have decided to prove to her, myself and my family that i would travel out, do my masters and be the man I want to be with or without her. I have decided to move-on but first of all I need to cut all ties with her so I can focus. I would to change my line, move out of where I stay that she know's and leave my life like she doesn't exist. Its going to be hard but that is what I intend doing because I'm tired of persuading my own mother into helping me achieving this little fit towards my future.


I'm seeking your opinion because I know my decisions will take a huge toll on my mum. I'm her first child...more like her husband and personal adviser now. Do you think theirs another way to go about this without totally looking like a jerk?

What is bad in earning a masters degree in any of the prestigious universities in the country?

Get the masters here first, it'll increase your chances of gaining meaningful employment with great pay or you invest into an enterprising venture and you will be made for life.

Then, you can seek to further abroad by then if you will still be interested in it or just travel all around the world on holidays.

The choice is yours bro, no human is perfect and trustworthy, not even your parents sometimes

Well she my be having issues herself

.

My advise to you is that you focus here in Nigeria.It's obvious your mother can't be relied upon to make your dreams come true.If you desire a Master's degree abroad,you can still work towards it but it will cost you a lot of money like you said and that might waste your time waiting to save enough.

You can still open lines of communication with your mum if you wish but be your own man now.

@Basildvalour
Thanks for the advice bro...but you see the issue is not totally about going abroad for my masters...its more about trust and honour as family & most importantly as a deserted mum for that matter. At least she should be able to stand by her word and be stable. Did you read the part I said she disappears for months without any notice? Is that how your mum relates with you. How do you follow up a discussed plan that has a time frame to it with this type of attitude. Where is bases for Family in all this? I'm not the only person with a separated mum abroad...u know. Parents should be honourable don't u think...

Basildvalour:
What is bad in earning a masters degree in any of the prestigious universities in the country?

Parents should stop making promises to kids especially if they can't keep them!@ op, I suggest you move on with your life and start struggling. I don't see the need for you to include ANYONE who doesn't have your interest at heart. Don't depend on your mom's promises else it may hinder your achievements in life by slowing it down. If she calls, fine, if she doesn't fine! After all you have two mothers. Na the one wey follow train you be your real mama. The one wey dey abroad just delivered you.


Study here in nigeria. Forget anyone that gives you stress biko.

Thanks bro theirs a time in a mans life that he's left alone to make difficult decisions all by himself...I think I'm at that cross road now. I'm sick...I'm tired of playing nice. I'll take your advice and be my own man but first of all I need to start by cutting off all distracting influences and unreliable people in my life.

thorpido:
My advise to you is that you focus here in Nigeria.It's obvious your mother can't be relied upon to make your dreams come true.If you desire a Master's degree abroad,you can still work towards it but it will cost you a lot of money like you said and that might waste your time waiting to save enough.

You can still open lines of communication with your mum if you wish but be your own man now.

@OP
let's make something clear: whether good or bad, your mother is YOUR MOTHER. you may want to remove her from your life for good, but she will always remain your mother. now, everybody wishes to have the caring/loving/generous/fun type of parents but sadly living in fantasy land wont help anything here. so the quicker you get that, the best you can deal with your LIFE!

here is my humble opinion:
1) dont you want to have some kind of "relationship" with your mother before you expect her to save you from your current life/crisis? obviously, you dont know much about the woman, dont know what she does or how she is surviving over there. you know that she is unpredictable and not trustworthy, so you should have taken her at face value... meaning: when she called to invite you, you should have taken her offer right then and there, and leave. now a few yrs down the line, circumstances have changed (as usual) and you seem to be mad at her.

2) i can see that you expect a lot from your mum, and blame her for what happened last yr but may i ask: where was your father, step mum, uncles, and what not, then? you are making it seem like, because your mother was never there, she suddenly has to do 10times as much as everyone else in your life? you have to be a little bit more sensible about the issue.

3) if the problem is NOT financial, then why did you miss all the admissions last year?

4) i think the only person who is indeed playing with your life and ambitions is YOU. you said that when your mother called to invite you over, your focus changed to "moving to UK". what was your life ambitions prior to that? what was your aim in life? and why was it so easy for her to sway you away from them?

5) you do not need to prove anything to anybody... just prove it to yourself that you can do whatever you have decided to do! focussing on other people while you should focus on yourself is wrong. this is your future, and yours alone, so you have to deal with it maturely and understand that there is no free meals in the world. what happens to you is not nice but it is good because it forges you for the hard times that may come ahead, both emotionally and physically.

6) what would removing her from your life is going to achieve? you are putting obstacles in your own path. as you said yourself, your mother is unpredictable, and therefore, as much as she can let you down, she could also appear tomorrow and bring you the help you need to possibly succeed. you need as many bullets as possible in order to hit your life's target, dont deprive yourself of any.

7) do not make any decision today with your mum in mind, but certainly dont exclude her from your life. you have never been her priority in life (and she probably has her own reasons) and therefore dont make her a priority in yours. if your decision takes a toll on her then so be it, some of her decisions did also take a toll on you.

Thank you my sister! You hit the head on the nail...sorry! I meant nail on the head
hehehehe.
Its really sad but I have to face reality now, no more nice guy.

EggovinMma:
Parents should stop making promises to kids especially if they can't keep them!@ op, I suggest you move on with your life and start struggling. I don't see the need for you to include ANYONE who doesn't have your interest at heart. Don't depend on your mom's promises else it may hinder your achievements in life by slowing it down. If she calls, fine, if she doesn't fine! After all you have two mothers. Na the one wey follow train you be your real mama. The one wey dey abroad just delivered you.


Study here in nigeria. Forget anyone that gives you stress biko.

lefteyeball:
Thank you my sister! You hit the head on the nail...sorry! I meant nail on the head
hehehehe.
Its really sad but I have to face reality now, no more nice guy.

Well you can be nice, but I think you should be nicer to the one at home first.She may not be nice, but remember she nurtured you as well.What makes you think your real mother would have done any better if she was in nigeria? If she hardly calls her first son despite the painful distance, I suggest you give her little attention, especially when it affects you.Yhe fact that her relationship with your father failed do not mean she should fail you as well despite whatever she maybe going through. No be her fellow women dey sell wrapper pay school fees for their pikin?


Please, you need to focus on your life first! She is focusing on her own life as well too! The mama wey you get here, put your affections on her.Buy her nice gifts and appreciate her with the little you have.She may not be nice, but treat her as a mother that has been there all along.

lefteyeball:
Hello NLer's, I'm an ardent follower of this forum though I don't comment most times...would it be wrong if i say I'm one of the card carrying member of the NL-ROA Read-only association (Lol) pardonne moi!


My mum broke up with my Dad when I was still a baby...in other words I dint know her from adam or better still let me just say we dint have that closeness(mother and son) as a kid. I grew up with my step mum. I knew she was not my biological mum because I used to get gifts like wears and stuffs as a kid from my biological mum, life was hash with her but I still love her, reason is that she gave me the opportunity...to grow up with a motherly figure around.


My problem started when my mum appeared in the picture of which I was already in the university. she called my Dad that she would like me to come over to the UK where she lives now with my step brother and sisters. She also told me same. the Idea and understanding then was that once I'm done with school I'll be moving over to the UK. This idea altered my focus in life, i channelled all my energy and thinking towards that. I became what I wanted most. finishes school and elopes to the UK...was my life sound track then (Lol).


Well I've since graduated, I have gotten 3 different admissions (2 in the UK 1 in Canada which was last year and the one that broke the camel's back) for masters within a space of 4years. The issue now is that my mum after making too many promises in the past cannot keep to her word. Sorry to say but my mum is the most untrustworthy person I've ever come across in my life. Her words and promises is more epileptic than PHCN power supply. Today she give's you her word, tomorrow she disappears with it into oblivion...you won't here anything from her sometime's in 4-6months, you won't be able to reach her. The next thing she appears again full of apologies and excuses. I lost all that admission last year. not because of financial problems cause i know how much she's got in her Nigerian account. I'm not satisfied with her reasons and would no longer tolerate anybody playing with my life and ambition.


I'm working but with what I earn now, i would Need to save for 5-6years before i would be able pay my fees abroad. My mind is made up i have decided to prove to her, myself and my family that i would travel out, do my masters and be the man I want to be with or without her. I have decided to move-on but first of all I need to cut all ties with her so I can focus. I would to change my line, move out of where I stay that she know's and leave my life like she doesn't exist. Its going to be hard but that is what I intend doing because I'm tired of persuading my own mother into helping me achieving this little fit towards my future.


I'm seeking your opinion because I know my decisions will take a huge toll on my mum. I'm her first child...more like her husband and personal adviser now. Do you think theirs another way to go about this without totally looking like a jerk?

Funny young man. And you are here seeking our approval for what exactly? A decision you ought to have made, or one you are about to make? Shows why your mom treats you this way.

Sorry I do not mean to offend you but you are an ungrateful young man!

Did you ever bother to find out why your mother left you years back. She probably never had a choice! She was forced to take that decision.
Yet she came back and guaranteed you a university education abroad.
As soon as you have a first degree her obligation is finished towards you! She has ensured that you have a good background and you can build on that to reach the peak.

Did you ask her how she cope with the other kid`s she has.
Do you not realise she might be under another man , that makes it difficult. She might have other issues.

You better shake your self back to thinking right.

Show some respect and appreciation.!

If you were so principled, you would never even have accepted studying abroad.

Poor woman, the prayer of every woman is that the child will one day dry her tears. Instead you are making her to cry blood .
I hope you get moved to go look up your mum and beg for forgiveness.
Show her love and you will get love in return.!

Thank you MRBrownJ you sound really matured. I wish you could see things a little bit from my own perspective. I wish you know how much effort i've put in just to know my mother better and she frustrated it all on different occasions. Now i don't even know how to go about taking her words seriously...I don't intend doing that not anymore.

The only point you raised that moved a little me is your nos 7 and that is because I consider it balanced.

MRBrownJ:


7) do not make any decision today with your mum in mind, but certainly dont exclude her from your life. you have never been her priority in life (and she probably has her own reasons) and therefore dont make her a priority in yours. if your decision takes a toll on her then so be it, some of her decisions did also take a toll on you.

DukeNija...Thanks but no thanks because you've succeeded in saying nothing

DukeNija:


Funny young man. And you are here seeking our approval for what exactly? A decision you ought to have made, or one you are about to make? Shows why your mom treats you this way.

If you mother could leave you as a baby, my dear leaving you 6mths or 6 yes without communication means nothing to her. Her husband may not want herb to bring you down to the UK since you have never been part of their family.

Hope you ain't hurting ur dad and ur step mum with ur attitude?

Try not to get in touch with her for now. If she gets in touch fine. If she doesn't face ur destiny

Do your masters in Nigeria and if you get a better offer, you can alwzsys go abroad for another masters

Wish you d best

lefteyeball:
Thank you MRBrownJ you sound really matured. I wish you could see things a little bit from my own perspective. I wish you know how much effort i've put in just to know my mother better and she frustrated it all on different occasions. Now i don't even know how to go about taking her words seriously...I don't intend doing that not anymore.

The only point you raised that moved a little me is your nos 7 and that is because I consider it balanced.

I can see all you're here to seek is approval to despise your own mum..You're blaming her for all your life probs... Really bad...

Despite your mum failed promises, the problem I see here is YOU.. You're a graduate and working already, hence you're an adult. . Ain't you old enough to start fending for yourself? For how long will your parents continue fending for you? You should be thinking on how to pay them back all they've laboured to bring you up..

Your mum is frustrating all your plans, how exactly? ? Just because she hasn't been able to send you abroad? Do you think if it was that easy for her she wouldn't have done everything as promised? Do you even care to know what she's going through? kinda job she does?

Nobody is frustrating your life, you have all the keys to ya life. . You're a man, plan your life and execute. . Stop blaming another person for your failure. . Everyone studying abroad wasn't sponsored by parents... it's really immature if at this age you're whining about your parent's inability to send you abroad.... If this complaint were coming from an underage, understandable. .but a full grown man??

Besides you described your mum as one who never keeps promises, why then did you hold on to the promise she made about sending you abroad? You should hv let it pass the moment she said it. ..nawa oo

skentelelady:
If you mother could leave you as a baby, my dear leaving you 6mths or 6 yes without communication means nothing to her. Her husband may not want herb to bring you down to the UK since you have never been part of their family.

Hope you ain't hurting ur dad and ur step mum with ur attitude?

Try not to get in touch with her for now. If she gets in touch fine. If she doesn't face ur destiny

Do your masters in Nigeria and if you get a better offer, you can alwzsys go abroad for another masters

Wish you d best

Don't judge the woman's action because you don't have the full story... Op should tell us why she left..
Do you know if leaving was the only option she had?
Do you know if the husband's family frustrated her efforts of taking the baby esp as it's a male child in question.

She was even sending gifts to him as a lil child which shows she atleast cared..

I'm not justifying the woman's action but we really need to have the full details before throwing punches. ..

mutter:
Sorry I do not mean to offend you but you are an ungrateful young man!

Ungrateful? How and where was i ungrateful...what has she done that I dint appreciate my dear friend. Oh I guess giving birth me...anyway

mutter:

Did you ever bother to find out why your mother left you years back. She probably never had a choice!

Yes i had found out from my dad before she confirmed it and I have forgiven her...i have left that for the past now.

mutter:

As soon as you have a first degree her obligation is finished towards you! She has ensured that you have a good background and you can build on that to reach the peak.

Where are you getting all your assumptions from? Did i ever tell you my Mum footed my bills through UNI? My dad saw me through the university ok...If my Dad was buoyant enough he wouldn't even have accepted the offer from my mum in the first place. How would have payed for it himself, He still doesn't want to have anything to do with her but had to bend it because of me. So please delete that assumption of yours, its so one-sided and so wrong.

mutter:

Show some respect and appreciation.!

Again you have to remind me what is there to appreciate

mutter:

Show her love and you will get love in return.!

Madam...there won't be any need for this anymore if she does change!
Thank you all the same.

go your way if you feel rejected.

don't put your hope on a human being, whether or not that person is good.

believe in yourself, achieve what you will.

don't let anyone who is not in your shoes hurt you more than you already are.

I have a step sister who i feel pity for because she deserve some apology, explanations and love whether in time of my families bad or good times.
I wish I can do more than consoling her by showing not just my love, I wish only for the ability to connect her fully into my family.

MarvellousGod:
Don't judge the woman's action because you don't have the full story... Op should tell us why she left..
Do you know if leaving was the only option she had?
Do you know if the husband's family frustrated her efforts of taking the baby esp as it's a male child in question.

She was even sending gifts to him as a lil child which shows she atleast cared..

I'm not justifying the woman's action but we really need to have the full details before throwing punches. ..

Look I am a mother as well. There is nothing on earth dat can make me abandon my child no matter how frustrating it could be. I will rather leave with my child and allow father's access.

How could some wome be so cruel to leave babies as little as 3mths

A Woman dat could abandoned a baby with his father is heartless to me

Why dunyooo H-Abort 'er?

Brotherly, your story is just like mine. My elder brother and I stayed with my step mum not even knowing she was not our mum. My mum left us when we were little
But few years along the line my step mum behaviour got me thinking if she was truly our mum.

One day my dad and my step mum had a fight while I was half asleep. I can recall my dad saying "no matter how long it takes the rightful owner will come for her children" since then I knew she was not my mum but no physical evidence and this got me thinking.

I went through a lot, I was in 200 level when my mum surfaced and promised us heaven and earth. That she will take us abroad cos she stays there even b4 we were born. I noticed that she was not sincere with her little promises. She may not contact us for months too but she sends money.

I was not carried away, cos I knew she may fail her promises. I focused on getting a job here but my brother believed her all along. Till date my brother who graduated 11 years ago has not been gainfully employed. I secured a job in a well established organisation 7 years ago. My mum did not fulfill her promise till date.

Yours might be spiritual and may need to pray hard to get breakthrough your problem might not be ur mum but ur dad or step mum who may not want u to travel even if u try using ur money.

Is good that you have decided to do things 4 ur self

many a times, people have wisdom and knowledge, but not many have understanding. Please edit the title of your post 'cos it's just so embarrassing not just to your mother but it also speak volumes of your own personality. may be before judging others, put yourself in their shoes. Life shouldn't be all about us. we cannot also have all that we desire, so if one way doesn't work try another means but let it not be at the expense of another person. that your mother promised you something doesn't mean she has the capacity to fulfill it.

she should'nt hv promised then or better yet , let him know she can't " fulfill it " , instead of disappearing and making him wonder what's going on

uglyogre:
many a times, people have wisdom and knowledge, but not many have understanding. Please edit the title of your post 'cos it's just so embarrassing not just to your mother but it also speak volumes of your own personality. may be before judging others, put yourself in their shoes. Life shouldn't be all about us. we cannot also have all that we desire, so if one way doesn't work try another means but let it not be at the expense of another person. that your mother promised you something doesn't mean she has the capacity to fulfill it.

I lost all that admission last year. not because of financial problems cause i know how much she's got in her Nigerian account. I'm not satisfied with her reasons and would no longer tolerate anybody playing with my life and ambition.

@lefyeyeball... u know how much is in her nigerian account n finances aren't a problem... are u saying she's capable of helping but just isn't, doesn't want to?? ok, stop relying on her. sorry she has been treating u this way, she hasn't been there for u, sadly, there're plenty of unfit mothers about. not gud for her to make promises n not keep them or disappear. if she can't keep them, all she has to do us let u know. as a mother she should know better. anyhoo , don't know ur age but be ur own person, don't count on pple. u were excited abt going to the u.k but too bad it didn't work out. try n do ur masters in nigeria

Dheartless:
go your way if you feel rejected.

don't put your hope on a human being, whether or not that person is good.

believe in yourself, achieve what you will.

Thanks Dheartless...this seem the only option i have left now..so i'm taking it.

Brotherly...i feel your story, i guess I'm not alone, like we're both passing through similar situations here. Men i had to seek advice before i overdo things...

ETHIX:

Yours might be spiritual and may need to pray hard to get breakthrough your problem might not be ur mum but ur dad or step mum who may not want u to travel even if u try using ur money.

Now this here is scary! Ever since I read this line i've just been pondering...why would anybody want to do that, what would He or She gain?
Yet that does not totally dispute the fact that its a possibility....we do live in a crazy world so YES! I'd be taking this very point seriously. I've never thought of this angle in all my looking for solution. Thanks alot man i guess I should be more prayerful now. Even if its not for my mum let it be for my own success.

My own personality? obviously you don't know how strongly i feel about this....
Reading your text alone i can already see you do hold your mum at high esteem. you really adore her. Well I feel a bit differently about mine...if you know what escalation means then you should know what i'm doing here. I understand what you mean madam but the issue at hand now has gone past that stage...and don't mistake my straight words for hate or lack of respect, i still love my mum very much. That is why i came here in the first place without going ahead with my decisions immediately. That title there is what best describes what i'm about to do and how strongly i feel about it. If i fail to tell you exactly what the issue truly is and how i do feel about it, you won't be able to give an advice that settles it.
Thanks for the advice all the same

uglyogre:
many a times, people have wisdom and knowledge, but not many have understanding. Please edit the title of your post 'cos it's just so embarrassing not just to your mother but it also speak volumes of your own personality.

lefteyeball:
Hello NLer's, I'm an ardent follower of this forum though I don't comment most times...would it be wrong if i say I'm one of the card carrying member of the NL-ROA Read-only association (Lol) pardonne moi!


My mum broke up with my Dad when I was still a baby...in other words I dint know her from adam or better still let me just say we dint have that closeness(mother and son) as a kid. I grew up with my step mum. I knew she was not my biological mum because I used to get gifts like wears and stuffs as a kid from my biological mum, life was hash with her but I still love her, reason is that she gave me the opportunity...to grow up with a motherly figure around.


My problem started when my mum appeared in the picture of which I was already in the university. she called my Dad that she would like me to come over to the UK where she lives now with my step brother and sisters. She also told me same. the Idea and understanding then was that once I'm done with school I'll be moving over to the UK. This idea altered my focus in life, i channelled all my energy and thinking towards that. I became what I wanted most. finishes school and elopes to the UK...was my life sound track then (Lol).


Well I've since graduated, I have gotten 3 different admissions (2 in the UK 1 in Canada which was last year and the one that broke the camel's back) for masters within a space of 4years. The issue now is that my mum after making too many promises in the past cannot keep to her word. Sorry to say but my mum is the most untrustworthy person I've ever come across in my life. Her words and promises is more epileptic than PHCN power supply. Today she give's you her word, tomorrow she disappears with it into oblivion...you won't here anything from her sometime's in 4-6months, you won't be able to reach her. The next thing she appears again full of apologies and excuses. I lost all that admission last year. not because of financial problems cause i know how much she's got in her Nigerian account. I'm not satisfied with her reasons and would no longer tolerate anybody playing with my life and ambition.


I'm working but with what I earn now, i would Need to save for 5-6years before i would be able pay my fees abroad. My mind is made up i have decided to prove to her, myself and my family that i would travel out, do my masters and be the man I want to be with or without her. I have decided to move-on but first of all I need to cut all ties with her so I can focus. I would to change my line, move out of where I stay that she know's and leave my life like she doesn't exist. Its going to be hard but that is what I intend doing because I'm tired of persuading my own mother into helping me achieving this little fit towards my future.


I'm seeking your opinion because I know my decisions will take a huge toll on my mum. I'm her first child...more like her husband and personal adviser now. Do you think theirs another way to go about this without totally looking like a jerk?

i had to log in to comment on this.i Av a similar experience like this.am from a broken home my mum is in Canada.presently am Schooling n she as made a promise dat my visa will b processed bla bla bla.we don day reach may i Neva ear any visa thing.she promised since last year November to get me a new cellphone this is April i wonder if the new cellphone no day use simcard.my issue not abt d phone or visa its about the perception one will have.like d visa stuff she was saying,i have already zeroed my mind that immediately after school,vooooonmm Canada calling.if i tell u i give it 30% i lie.no be today my mum day fall hand.for like 2years now,in my minds eye i call her promise and fail.now i don't even call her i just day fire my school day go.na she day call day promise nonsense way u no need...best thing is just run ur park,save ur bar n travel go UK or USA on ur own abi she think say without am u no fit do anything na lie she talk

Pls note am d only son wt a younger sister so I won't want anyone saying how would she cope cus she always say she fit take care of six children

hbpeze:

best thing is just run ur park,save ur bar n travel go UK or USA on ur own abi she think say without am u no fit do anything na lie she talk

Thank you my brother, na wetin i go do be dat. My advice to you is to learn from my own experience now ooo. Finish with ur school first okay. Don't expect much from her, If she later stays through to her word, fine! If she doesn't you won't even feel it. Set ur mind that you would achieve what you can here in naija all by your self. This way you won't be disappointed like me.