It's normal. If you the woman can play the role of your husband perfectly well,you should be able to pay like a man to your husband who is performing your wifely duties.

Absolutely abnormal, for you to pay to visit your kids, and asking you to pay part for their school fess is absurd. Can't he own up to his responsibilities as a man. Some men just love to frustrate their ex after a separation or divorce which is very bad

raumdeuter:
How did you get to this stage in the first place

This is what most women with custody do to their ex husbands and now you know how it feels

That doesn't justify it been done to her, she is not 'most women'

proudlyhandsome:


You will hardly see a lady coming up with solution to their friends' marital problems. All they do is to add more problems.

Spot on.


I remember stumbling over a conversation where teh girlfriend of my ex was practically encouraging her to break up with me yet she was not married herself at 30 as at then.

Today after 2yrs she still refused to do the needful saying she has no money for divorce. height of stupidity and this goes to show how dumb many ladies who think they are hot can be..if you are so hot i guess you ought to see a man fast enough after you leave your marriage who will help you finance your divorce..

I just advice this lady to reconcile if it is still possible before she realizes the hard truth.

Most men will want to have the freedom to test other waters and leaving him will give him that opportunity while you may end up been taken advantaged of by men who just don't care about you but will take advantage of your vulnerability.

Most men dating divorced ladies always make it look as if they are doing these women a favor which is appalling in itself.

Ewuro4:
Don't you have a legal visitation agreement?

Ofcourse you should have access to your kids, exept you aren't available during your "pick up days" which can be rescheduled mutually as well.

Otherwise, Drag his ass back to court, not NL.

Oh, and yes you get to pay child support since they aren't living with you.

*my friend paid her lazy ass ex for 11 freaking years.. Phew!*

nna na wao Divor no good at all o, see all the wahala. Abeg make una kuku reconcile de live togeda again na em better pass na. shioooo

emeify:
What do I do?

Separated from my husband. He is insisting I pay for the children's upkeep or I cannot see them in his house.
He has insisted on collecting part of their school fees from me. Despite that, he wants me to pay for their upkeep in his house or I cant see the kids

Is this normal?

Does anyone know a lawyer that can help?

take him to court, however the court might ask you to pay for child support if he wins custody.

Emaprince:
is this the reason why you seperated from him?


https://www.nairaland.com/1434785/no-longer-interested-sex-hubby

emeify:
I have been married for a while but I seem to have lost interest in sex. I used to enjoy it before but for some reason, it no longer interest as me. Hubby is impatient as he does not understand and I am at a loss. Does anybody know what could be wrong with me?
https://www.nairaland.com/1434785/no-longer-interested-sex-hubby
(Quote) (Report) 2 Likes (Like) (Share)

This is why dis woman is leaving. She lost interest in sexx nd d hubby was not patient. D man was probably forcing her to Bleep him(rapee).
I pray d matter is resolved amicably.

Madam before you proceed to court, have you engaged your family and his own?
Your pastor?
From what you wrote the matter has not been to court. How did you leave your matrimonial home? Did he throw you out or you left out of annoyance as your patience exceeded its threshold? Seek serious advice from legal persons before making any move. There are so many NGOs that will take this matter up. Do your research but not on Nairaland.

Dats serious

Timbuktou:

I'm a little lost here, are you saying Nigerian law recognises verbal and emotional abuse as tangible means of separation or divorce?

[quote author=Timbuktou post=33960409]
It falls under the omnibus clause of the Matrimonial causes act which provides that one of the grounds for dissolution of marriage is that ,"since the marriage a party has behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent"..So,emotional and verbal abuse can be a tangible reason for divorce.It just depends on the circumstances of the case.

emeify:
What do I do?

Separated from my husband. He is insisting I pay for the children's upkeep or I cannot see them in his house.
He has insisted on collecting part of their school fees from me. Despite that, he wants me to pay for their upkeep in his house or I cant see the kids

Is this normal?

Does anyone know a lawyer that can help?

I just went through your profile and dscovered a thread you created in 2013 stating that you lost interest in sex with your hubby nd 2yrs after this is coming up.

Im impressed with your open nature and you are just like me in that aspect but neveertheless i will not want to pass judgement in anyway but i would like us to chat on watsup..08023146046!

i believe that your marriage will be restored AS LONG AS IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH AN ADULTEROUS ACT BY YOU,no other reason should be strong enough to break your marriage.

freecocoa:
How can the kids not be in danger if he is abusive?

some men can hit their wives or abuse her emotionally but will never lay a hand in their kids.

You guys are asking as if those who abuse their spouses, hit or abuse everyone that comes their way.

By the way I'm not concluding that he's abusive o. based on the fact that OP didn't say exactly what he did to her.

But if he is abusive, he does not have to extend it towards his kids: I wonder why many posters here can't imagine a man who abuses his wife but doesn't do same to his kids.
It is actually very very possible.

Ishilove:

"is"

Feel free to thank me effusively

I shall remember to thank you EFFUSIVELY,
when that time comes.

Blackbeauty:
It falls under the omnibus clause of the Matrimonial causes act which provides that one of the grounds for dissolution of marriage is since the marriage a party has behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent. So,emotional and verbal abuse can. Be a tangible means of divorce. It just depends on the circumstances of the case.

Ah, this makes sense. Thanks for the explanation.

Truckpusher:
Madam ,you're in the wrong room.
As a continental African I would be the last person to accept money from a woman under this circumstances but again this is what your culture has been doing to the men's folk so kindly pay up and stop talking.

Between, the court should have communicated this to both of you.
This thread stinks of attention seeking .
Yes , I said it .

Hehehehe.... Ose jawe
Abeg pay up and stop the drama. But like I said, the OP is hiding some details and painting herself good.

NEXT!!!

olu4life:

Hehehehe.... Ose jawe
Abeg pay up and stop the drama. But like I said, the OP is hiding some details and painting herself good.

NEXT!!!

She prolly think that everyone of us are one bunch of emotionally unstable people who can't read between the lines.

NEXT!!!......

Toks2008:

Must you go through this stress?
Look here lady,im in good position to advice you and i have mended many broken marriages even if im still battling a divorce issue at the moment. Trust me,itss not worth it and you may realize too late.
There is too much headache in divorce than reconciling especially when children are involved.
Trust me,there is no perfect man out there and the earlier you get this the better.RECONCILE NOW IF YOU CAN.

errrm,pls I can authoritatively say that not all marriages can be mended.In cases of abuse,especially where its physical I advice the party affected to get out FAST!!!I had a case of domestic violence in january..During the mediation session,my boss had to go out (being a man) to enable the woman show me her body.I was close to tears.The belt marks I saw were still fresh.On another occasion,he smashed a bottle of wine on her head.That resulted in a very deep cut on her forehead.I was shocked when my boss informed me last month that the lady passed out while the man was raining blows on her.She was confirmed dead on arrival at d teaching hospital.The husband is is presently in prison custody awaiting trial.The poor woman has died leaving her 3 kids.Till date,I stil remember her face,every conversation we had...I remember I told her to leave,give him space for sometime,she said their mama in church (pastor's wife) told her to keep praying and not to separate from her husband.That divorce is a sin..Well,instead of divorce,death actually dissolved the marriage!That's why I don't advice reconciliation when physical violence is involved.The stress and trauma of divorce has life altering unpleasant aftermaths,but sometimes,its better to let go.

raumdeuter:
How did you get to this stage in the first place

This is what most women with custody do to their ex husbands and now you know how it feels

Gbam!

coogar:


if you had won the custody of the kids, you would do exactly the same thing your hubby is doing. pay up & stop complaining.

Gbam!

redcliff:

Gbam!

Bia, nna, you be carpenter. Which one be gbam gbam everywhere sef?

Since it's not the court that gave him custody or gave you the terms he has no right to force you to abide by his terms. Once you guys can't come to solution that's fair to you as well as him and more importantly the children ,then the matter needs to head to the court.

The court will decide who should have primary custody, what the visitation rights of the other party is and also how much each of you should contribute financially towards the children's upkeep. The court will request for evidence of your financially situations and make it's judgement based on your incomes.

Contact the lawyer that left her details

Toks2008:


Spot on.


I remember stumbling over a conversation where teh girlfriend of my ex was practically encouraging her to break up with me yet she was not married herself at 30 as at then.

Today after 2yrs she still refused to do the needful saying she has no money for divorce. height of stupidity and this goes to show how dumb many ladies who think they are hot can be..if you are so hot i guess you ought to see a man fast enough after you leave your marriage who will help you finance your divorce..

I just advice this lady to reconcile if it is still possible before she realizes the hard truth.

Most men will want to have the freedom to test other waters and leaving him will give him that opportunity while you may end up been taken advantaged of by men who just don't care about you but will take advantage of your vulnerability.

Most men dating divorced ladies always make it look as if they are doing these women a favor which is appalling in itself.

Are you Tokunbo by name?

If you are, you are my name sake

cococandy:
some men can hit their wives or abuse her emotionally but will never lay a hand in their kids.

You guys are asking as if those who abuse their spouses, hit or abuse everyone that comes their way.

By the way I'm not concluding that he's abusive o. based on the fact that OP didn't say exactly what he did to her.

But if he is abusive, he does not have to extend it towards his kids: I wonder why many posters here can't imagine a man who abuses his wife but doesn't do same to his kids.
It is actually very very possible.

Might be possible but the chances of an abusive person abusing others besides his/her partner, is usually on the high side, hence it is safer to not to risk being a victim.

Hi OP, the story you shared is incomplete and will need to be listened to fully (no on NL though).
Since you live in Lagos, there are facilities available you can access:

1. Ministry of Women Affairs - Blk 18 Alausa Secretariat
2. Initiative for Sustaining Family Unity- 16 Harvey Rd, Yaba. info@iforsfu.org
3. Project Alert on Violence Against Women- 21 Akinsanya Str off Isheri Rd (by FRSC) Ojodu. projectalert@projectalertnig.org

You can go to any of these places to report and they should guide you on appropriate steps to take to avoid further disintegration of the family. Do ensure you give correct information on the issues that led to the separation, was it legal or you just moved out of the home, also be sure to let them know what other remedies you have sought before now.
All the best

A lot of people here are being deceitful either knowingly or unknowingly! So let's get down to the basics. Firstly when it comes to custodial issues in Nigeria, the man maintains custody 90% of the time unless it can be proving in court that he's irresponsible or financially incapable. In addition, it is up to the Judge to decide whether shared custody can even be considered, it all depends on how much evidence one party can produce against the other. Furthermore issues of domestic violence or abuse are very delicate, I would like the OP to elaborate more on when the issues started, the efforts made to resolve the issues and the people involved such as family members, religious leaders and so on..... This is Nigeria, not London or America, we are still bound by traditional/societal values! Lastly, if it's true that the situation cannot be resolved then what the man is asking for is not too much, pay your fair share and see your kids. I believe any responsible parent would want the best for the kids and since you left your matrimonial home without them, it means you trust the man to take care of them, if I'm mistaken and your story of abuse is true then by all means go to court but be prepared to spend emotionally, financially and psychologically. Remember this is not about he said or she said, you must provide proof of abuse, credible witness and so on, if you cannot do this and the man is able to provide substantial evidence against you, then not only will you lose custody but you'll end up paying your fair share and then some!

emeify:
What do I do?

Separated from my husband. He is insisting I pay for the children's upkeep or I cannot see them in his house.
He has insisted on collecting part of their school fees from me. Despite that, he wants me to pay for their upkeep in his house or I cant see the kids

Is this normal?

Does anyone know a lawyer that can help?

Aunty, its as simple as it is..

Pay or forget seeing them..

If it were the other way round, the man would almost have been striped to the last penny..

No such thing as a free lunch nowhere..

You want freedom from marriage but you want the fruit of marriage..

Wicked world.. Perfect case of eating your cake and having it..

Aunty, pls pay up..

Marriage comes with responsibility, sacrifice, patience, endurance, long-suffering, if you couldn't meet them, you didn't have to push it..

Abeg pay jare..

proudlyhandsome:


You will hardly see a lady coming up with solution to their friends' marital problems. All they do is to add more problems.

i don't even know why you're quoting me or what you're talking about?

Who's whose friend?
And why should I come up with a solution to her problems especially a big problem like child-custody; when there are qualified people licensed to do that.

Op, So many people have advise you here today but I still believe the have not been convincing enough to me.
Pls I would like to ask you some few questions quickly.
1. What is cause of your separation?
2. Do you really love your husband and children as well?
3. Is your income more than that of your husband?
4.are you a christian? If yes have contact your pastor about what has been going on ?
5.have you talk to any of his close friends about what has been going on?
6.Is your marriage legitimate?
7.have prayed towards this lingering issues in your marriage?
8.To what extend have try to save your marriage?
9.are humble towards your husband and give him all the respect he deserve regardless of his financial status?
10.finally what account do you what to give to God as regards your marriage knowningfully well your can deceive men to take your side in this respect?
I'm sorry to ask you all this question but I believe they are bitter truth.
From your small illustration here I perceive you have the major blame here im sorry to say this but I believe strongly you can fix the marriage if you believe
Bible say all thing is possible to them that believe I'm sure you know by now marriage is not a bed of roses
If you eventually leave your husband you don't know the next man you will meet he can even be devil on disguise.
Pls my advise for you is to seek divine intervention cos GOd is ready to help you now that is why he has usher you here.
I can pray for you and give you some hint about marriage if you wish Pm me.
God bless you
It is not over until you win

Blackbeauty:
In domestic disputes,it also entails verbal and emotional abuse..it need not be physical.In some situations,you find the husband calling the wife a cheap who.re or a good for nothing idio.t..Some even say it in front of the kids and family friends.In situations like that,the marriage would be clearly hanging on a thread since there is no more respect and love.

In the same way some women freely call their husbands names like: dog,useless,a marriage misfit,a never do well, a failure,etc .yet people hardly ascribe such as abuse but being emotional"

This is sad

Blackbeauty:
errrm,pls I can authoritatively say that not all marriages can be mended.In cases of abuse,especially where its physical I advice the party affected to get out FAST!!!I had a case of domestic violence in january..During the mediation session,my boss had to go out (being a man) to enable the woman show me her body.I was close to tears.The belt marks I saw were still fresh.On another occasion,he smashed a bottle of wine on her head.That resulted in a very deep cut on her forehead.I was shocked when my boss informed me last month that the lady passed out while the man was raining blows on her.She was confirmed dead on arrival at d teaching hospital.The husband is is presently in prison custody awaiting trial.The poor woman has died leaving her 3 kids.Till date,I stil remember her face,every conversation we had...I remember I told her to leave,give him space for sometime,she said their mama in church (pastor's wife) told her to keep praying and not to separate from her husband.That divorce is a sin..Well,instead of divorce,death actually dissolved the marriage!That's why I don't advice reconciliation when physical violence is involved.The stress and trauma of divorce has life altering unpleasant aftermaths,but sometimes,its better to let go.

emeify:
What do I do?

Separated from my husband. He is insisting I pay for the children's upkeep or I cannot see them in his house.
He has insisted on collecting part of their school fees from me. Despite that, he wants me to pay for their upkeep in his house or I cant see the kids

Is this normal?

Does anyone know a lawyer that can help?

\
It is very rare for a woman to lose custody of her children.

You must be a very terrible person.

Well, unless you live in Nigeria.
/

go and settle things with your husband istead of asking questions that will not help you. in africa, we respect marriage if not b/c of anything but your children b/c they are your life and future. i wouldnt knw what the problem could be but, for d sake of your children, try to bend your anger and go back home to take care of your children.

take d advice if you like.