Pls copycat is not allowed. You can only do that with the consent of the writer, else you should be ready for a lawsuit.



Tory Don Start

Backdated

January 1, 2014
Between 12am-8am

Na January 1, 2014 we dey so and I never still get the gut to talk to am. If I nor do am on time another person fit ask am out o. Chai! Wetin I go do now?

Her name na Titi. Dem say na Titilayo be the full name. Wetin make me like Titi be say her complexion just on down like torch light. Wetin I mean be say she get light skin. Omo, she too fine!

I go tok to Titi today wey be new year o. I no attend my own Cross Over service for His Divine Glory church for new year eve, na Titi own I kon attend. I want make new year dawn on me and Titi together, that’s why. I swear, if I no approach Titi today tok to am about my feelings, then my name no be Chibuzor.

Dem tok say Titi just finish service, NYSC, so she no go fit listen to me because I no go university. How that one kon take be my headache? How many school Dangote go? Yet if that guy say im wan marry 100 virgins today dem go begin rush come. No be matter of who fit speak oyinbo pass be this o. Na matter of money. Although sha, I no get money like that. Na bags of rice and beans I dey sell for Mafoluku Oshodi.

I be handsome guy; the kind wey woman go fit trip for so tey dem go lose their balance. For Okija my village that time, I know how many girls don enter my trap nah! But since way I don born again I no dey run that kind parole again. Na person way I go fit marry I dey find now.

I kuku know book when I dey secondary school. Na first I dey carry every time. I finish secondary kon write Jamb for 1999. Na since then Jamb don begin jam me o. No be say I no dey pass JAMB, but the thing be say na Melecin (Medicine) I wan read by force by fire. If I get 280 na that time cut off mark go be 281. Na UNIBEN I choose for my first JAMB. Those yeye people kon go dey offer me Botany say because I no reach cut off.

Na my second JAMB funny pass. I beat cut off wella; I score 292. I don even brag say nothing dey happen I dey get admission that year. I begin dey do cho, cho, cho up and down so tey I go tell people wey no ask me wetin I get. Na Unilag I choose that year. I kukuma get people for Lagos wey I fit dey live with.

Dem say na 285 be cut off mark. Me don kuku tidy cut off mark. Wet in remain nah? Wetin fit stop me from getting admission this year again? Post Jamb? Make I hear am. Post Jamb wey start 2005? Guy, na 2001 matter be this o. Me don enter Melecin dis year already, nothing fit stop me.

I even go do testimony for church. Kon see how I just they jam tok for church. I just dey add things wey no happen so tey I tok say I do 3 months fasting and prayer for Mountain of Fire before the exam. Me wey neva step MFM dumult.

As I dey tok tok up and down na im I go jamtok o. When my guy tell me say make I dey pray about admission na im I provoke o.

"Uche, shut up your mouth! Wetin I need pray about wen be say I don beat cut off mark?" I yell on top my guy.

"Chibuzor, na one dream I dream o. I dream say one bird dey drag your admission letter with you and the she bird finally succeed o. The thing chop am for mouth dey fly go."

I laugh. E too funny. Na den I kon jamtok say, "Even if dem go heaven go do admission I go get am. Baba God sef nor fit stop me from having Melecin."

To my surprise next day dem tok say dem don release admission list o. That time I still be novice for browsing. I carry Uche go cafe make im helep me check my status. To my surprise my name nor dey list. Which kind thing be this? Hot mess begin dey comot . I tell Uche say whether Na the Cafe no good. Uche tell me say I dey craze.

Na so I see am o. Admission no show. Shame no go gree me stay Okija. Na travelling to Lasgidi go sure pass o. Make I go Unilag go rake for them there. As I reach Unilag them show me the new cut off mark. Na 1 mark remain make I meet am. The Prof. wey I meet there say nothing wey im fit do o, because him be don use him slot finish.

Them give me Fishery later sha.

"Who go do that kind course?" I laugh. Uncle tok say e better make I go meet fishermen for marina make them put me through before I go go for the course finally.

"Tufiakwa!" I shouted. "Over my dead body."

Since that time I no just show for village o. How I go take withstand the leering eyes of all those villagers wey think say true true I don enter school If den still see me around wetin dem go begin yarn? thrash?

Walai Talai Lasgidi nor easy o. E never even reach 2 weeks before my uncle ask me say make I go find one work dey do to survive. Wen I dey village I think say na mansion Uncle Chike dey live ni o. Walahi if I no say Na face me I face you I for no come here at all.

Dis ur tori dey like sometin wey go make sense

7agaza:
Dis ur tori dey like sometin wey go make sense

Okay nah...spread mat here then...no dulling

Since then na im I don become Lagosian. Which work I go fit do o? I ponder so tay na bus conductor my mind just they go. Na mile 2 my Uncle dey live Bad boys boku for there yanfun yanfun. If I tell one of them say I wan do conductor, e go fit arrange one motor give me nah. I hear say conductors dey make nothing less than 2K per day. Na Sule I go meet that time. The guy too like smoke. Me no like smoke at all. I nor know wetin den dey gain inside for this our hot weather. Sule get deep voice. Everything about Sule na soso deep deep. E get plenty deep cut for body; he like make e dey wear one deep blue dirty jacket. Sule na confirm conductor for Ketu-Ojota road. Sometimes he go also do Agbero-na swapping things o--one way nor enter market nah. Sule connect me with Omo Iko. Omo Iko worse pass Sule for appearance. Im ma na driver. Na im I go dey do conductor for. Na so I begin work with Omo Iko o. When I first start, shame nor dey gree me shout to call passenger inside bus, but when Omo Iko scolded me two times I begin wise. For start, me no dey get kanta with Omo Iko, but when he begin send me Cigar na im we begin get wahala. Me be brief am say me nor fit dey helep am buy Cigar because my religion nor support am. Omo Iko look my face laugh. "You no know anything," said Omo Iko. You know whether your pastors sef dey smoke for corner?" "E no fit possible egbon," I tell am. Omo Iko begin yarn me tori. He tell me about one ogbonge pastor wey dey follow them smoke for their cabal. I no believe the story. When Omo Iko wan use force take dey send me Cigar, I tell am say my mama nor go like am. Omo Iko ask me say whether na me wan go tell am. Na so I give myself brain kon dey helep am buy smoke o, because im be don clear me say if I nor fit do am then hin go tender my conductor 'sack letter'. Me no wan lose my job o. E beta make I use my sense now o. Omo Iko go dey smoke dey puff the smoke for my eyes. Hin go dey ask me whether me sef wan puff small. I clear am say I no fit do am. "Omo ole," hin go tok but me never know the meaning that time because na yoruba language hin take tok am. Omo Iko no really bad like that. Apart say hin dey smoke, hin no too too dey do bad bad things. I never hear Omo Iko dey insult people inside bus before. I go say na him be the most gentle driver wey I know. The single dey wey I follow Sule do conductor, I no fit count how many people hin abuse finish. As e dey abuse car owner na so hin go dey abuse okada riders. Even hin passengers no fit escape hin bad mouth. Na from Sule mouth I learn how den dey curse person 'olosi' and 'oloriburuku'. That time I nor know wetin dem mean. I don sabi tok am wella so tay I no fit stop again wen I later know say na big curse dem be. Omo Iko no dey tok them sha. I surprise say hin just gentle like that. How that kind thing take dey possible? With the way hin head even be sef, you go know say na confirm 'Omo ita' hin be. Omo Iko right face swell up pass hin left face. If you dey look Omo Iko from one side you go think say na only one cheek hin get, because the one wey swell up don cover the other side. Na 31 teeth hin kon get sef, meaning say den don use ogbonge blow pluck am comot before. How come hin kon cool like that? I just too dey inquisitive. I wan know wetin happen wey make Omo Iko gentle like that. Na Sule kon clear me for that matter later. He tell me say Omo Iko be confirm head of thugs before before for mushin. Na when e remain small wey hin wan lose hin life hin quit that kind life kpatakpata. I day like this nor go pass make me and those Yoruba people no get Kanta. Dem go kon worse matter say I be 'Omo nna'. Some old old mama go wan use their age ride me. Den go dey clear me say my grandfather no reach them for age. Before before, me no dey hear wetin dem dey tok, but as Sule don brief me small, I begin dey use idea carry the rest. Na one mama vex me one day. She dey call me 'olosi jatijati'. Na so I provoke call am witch. I don tok am finish before I realise say na born again I be. "Omo Iko, you know whether born again fit do driver and kondo successfully?" I asked. Omo Iko laugh. "Before nko. No be born again I be too?" I look Omo Iko from im head to toe. He ask why I dey look am like that. I clear am say him no be born again because I never see am enter church before. "Chibuzor, you funny. You nor know say I be born again moslem abi?" Na the first time wey I go hear say moslem sef dey born again be that. I never do kondo pass five months before I tok say I no wan do again. Na two times agbero don drag me come down bus beat me like say tomorrow nor dey, all because Omo Iko no wan stop give them their 'entitlement'. Now I kon dey reason am say Kondo no be my destiny. When one small girl slap me for inside bus one day kon tell me say I be smelling conductor, I be don clear Omo Iko say I nor do again. I be wan slap my own back that day but passengers nor allow me. I for teach am lesson wey she no go fit forget. I for let am no say na man dem create first before den kon remember woman. After six months I quit conductor work.

Tory continuation...

No be say I purposely leave 'kondo' work o. Wet in make me stop na shame. Shame wey swallow me up wen I see Nkechi my school mate for Okija. She be passenger inside our bus, but me nor quick know say na her. Na wen I begin demand money from her she mention my name, Chibuzor.

Shame nor gree me stay her front say I wan collect money; person wey still send letter to my uncle to ask me how my school Unilag dey. She be dey clear us say she choose Unilag for the Jamb wey she wan write.

Wetin I go tell Nkechi say e happen to me? Abi make I clear am say na part-time I dey do for Unilag?


After that day, I leave kondo job kon go apply for another Jamb. That time na only three days remain wey we go write the Jamb. I wan make sure say I enter that year, else, everybody for village go soon know say I be bloody liar.

I write Jamb that year without reading. Na Melecin I still choose sha, because me never see reason wey I go go read another course wen no be my destined course. I nor fit think anything pass Melecin. Wetin concern me with Biochemistry, Microbiology and things like that wey some people dey advise me say make I kuku go for. Den tell me say I fit cross to another course of my choice for first year.

When the Jamb result comot, I score 201. I no kuku prepare for ram. My friends wey prepare sef, no one among them get reach 200. Wetin kon be my own headache? But e sure me say I nor fit use this result enter school. Sadness wan kill me die.

I give myself brain go change my course to Biochemistry. Laugh wan kill Seun die when I tell am say I be don go change my course to Biochemistry.

" Sebi you dey do strong head before when I say make you choose Biochemistry. Now you see your life. You don waste money change am ," Seun said.

"Shut up!" I give am straight. Me wey my eyes dey glow like glowing splinter for chemistry laboratory already, you wan kon complicate issue for me.

When admission comot, I nor see my name inside. I nor fit laugh; I nor fit cry. I just dey look like lucozade boost. Person wey see me for that mood go think say whether I don lose a family member. Funny enough, I see Nkechi name for Melecin that year. Na her first attempt be that. She get 273 and dem give am admission. Two times wen I get something like that, dem no give me admission o.

I remember say my grand mama tell me say na doctor be my destiny. The woman say she don check my star. Now I begin laugh for my mind because me sure say na my last Jamb I don write so.

I nor know why Jamb just dey frustrate person like that. Wetin dem want make person do sef? Which kind life be this? I do Jamb, Jamb jam me, I buy change of course form, them no consider me again. No wonder wey den dey call us Jambite because Jamb don bite us.

I here say den still dey sell change of course form again na hin I reapply o. This time na fishery I choose; the thing wey den give me free of charge before wey I tok say I nor want two years ago. I for don dey learn fisherman work for Ikoyi that time sef; now fishery for be part of me.

E be like say one ogbonge slap hit my face when list come out wey my name nor dey again. Sharply, I believe say my way nor be school way at all. Sebi grand mama say na doctor I go become(that one na for her title block mind o). Maybe na native doctor she mean sef wey I dey think say medical doctor. That one no hard nah! Sebi na to go become 'elewe Omo' customer kon they use herb.

Na so I start to sell raw rice and beans for Oshodi o. I forget about school patapata...

I don dey get eyes for ladies for sometimes now but wen I see Titi, I know say na she be the one for me. Na she kuku use her two legs waka enter my shop. She kon buy rice and beans. I swear I never see Nigeria girl wey light reach am. E remain small she for turn albino sef.

I nor know the blacksmith (abi na whitesmith I go call am?) wey helep Titi set her white teeth o. Na wetin one of my teachers for secondary school dey call 'evenly distributed' be this. As Titi enter my shop that day na so my heart melt.

"Excuse me," she talk. Her voice sieve enter my ear like oyinbo voice. The thing sweet die.

"You wan buy market madam?" I ask am.

"Yes, please how much's a plastic of rice?"

Na her mouth I dey look. I don lost.

"Don't you hear me?" na so she tok wey make me come back to .y sense.

" Em, eh, madam nor vex," I tok. "Wet in you wan buy?"

She look me kon smile. My head swell up. I don see something again. She get dimples sha! I too like that thing o, but me nor get am sha.

"I mentioned it earlier," she tok.

"Beans, one de rica abi?"

When I tok so she laugh. Now I don see how she dey laugh too. I like the way she dey laugh.

"Madam, walahi I like your laugh o," I tok. I nor no when that kind words comot for my mouth. Na so she frown face o. I like her frown sha. The thing just be like my own smile.

Wetin make am laugh be say no be 1 de Rica she wan buy but 1 paint plastic. Wen she tok am, I dey happy say I dey hear her voice again. Now I kon begin do many many funny funny things for her front make her smile for no stop because of those dimples for her cheeks wey be like ripples of water wey dem just shake.

I be wan ask her for her name but I nor know how I go ask. E go kuku better make I tell her my name first, then like the oyinbo, kon add 'And you?'

'I am Chibuzor," I try tok correct English. "And you."

Titi look me from up to down with those eyes wey be like something wey dem decorate kon gum to her face. She kon tok say, "Well...I won't tell you my name sir."

As she tok that sir, I vex clear am say I be young boy o. Why she go dey use sir for me nah? Wetin wan bring that one. E be like say she wan dey use strategy avoid closeness with her.

"Abi na because say I get bear bear na im make you dey use Sir for me? I be Small boy o, aunty. Why--"

She no let me land before she shout for my head say, "Who's your aunty? You better go and meet your aunty at home."

I sell the rice give am kon dey click my leg for ground. Kai! And if to say I get money now, this girl for been good for wife material o. I scratch my h head when she begin go. I follow am like Twitter with my eyes reach where my eyes nor fit follow again.

Now the first assignment na to get her name. Wetin fit be her name o. I begin write plenty, plenty names for paper whether if I choose one among them e fit be her name. But how I go confirm am sef?


I write names like Bukunmi, Motola, Opeyemi and many other Yoruba female names reach like twenty, but I no go fit know which one be her name among them.

For December 20, 2013 wey I enter GTB see am there na im my suspense about her name clear comot. Guess why? She dey among the staff wey dey collect deposit for counter. Her ID card wey she wear for neck na him give me Wetin I don dey find since: Titilayo

Na blue color dem take write the name for the ID card. I first bone stay inside queue for where she dey. I been know already say na only deposit she been dey deal with that time, but because I wan make sure say we tok that day, na so I enta there o. At least I go fit tok with her well a wen e reach my turn.


E remain make the person wey dey my front comet make I be first for queue, na exactly that time she kon comet go inside admin room. E pain me say she just comot like that. Abi she don see me ni?

After two minutes, na him anoda person kon take her place o. This time around na one man wey hin face no dey smile at all. If I reach dis one front, hin go fit vex if I no tender the money wey I wan kon pay o. Best thing be sah make I waka commot for the queue o.

Wetin make am laugh be say no be 1 de Rica she wan buy but 1 paint plastic. Wen she tok am, I dey happy say I dey hear her voice again. Now I kon begin do many many funny funny things for her front make her smile for no stop because of those dimples for her cheeks wey be like ripples of water wey dem just shake.

I be wan ask her for her name but I nor know how I go ask. E go kuku better make I tell her my name first, then like the oyinbo, kon add 'And you?'

'I am Chibuzor," I try tok correct English. "And you."

Titi look me from up to down with those eyes wey be like something wey dem decorate kon gum to her face. She kon tok say, "Well...I won't tell you my name sir."

As she tok that sir, I vex clear am say I be young boy o. Why she go dey use sir for me nah? Wetin wan bring that one. E be like say she wan dey use strategy avoid closeness with her.

"Abi na because say I get bear bear na im make you dey use Sir for me? I be Small boy o, aunty. Why--"

She no let me land before she shout for my head say, "Who's your aunty? You better go and meet your aunty at home."

I sell the rice give am kon dey click my leg for ground. Kai! And if to say I get money now, this girl for been good for wife material o. I scratch my h head when she begin go. I follow am like Twitter with my eyes reach where my eyes nor fit follow again.

Now the first assignment na to get her name. Wetin fit be her name o. I begin write plenty, plenty names for paper whether if I choose one among them e fit be her name. But how I go confirm am sef?


I write names like Bukunmi, Motola, Opeyemi and many other Yoruba female names reach like twenty, but I no go fit know which one be her name among them.

For December 20, 2013 wey I enter GTB see am there na im my suspense about her name clear comot. Guess why? She dey among the staff wey dey collect deposit for counter. Her ID card wey she wear for neck na him give me Wetin I don dey find since: Titilayo

Na blue color dem take write the name for the ID card. I first bone stay inside queue for where she dey. I been know already say na only deposit she been dey deal with that time, but because I wan make sure say we tok that day, na so I enta there o. At least I go fit tok with her wella wen e reach my turn.


E remain make the person wey dey my front commot make I be first for queue, na exactly that time she kon comot go inside admin room. E pain me say she just comot like that. Abi she don see me ni?

After two minutes, na him anoda person kon take her place o. This time around na one man wey hin face no dey smile at all. If I reach dis one front, hin go fit vex if I no tender the money wey I wan kon pay o. Best thing be sah make I waka commot for the queue o.

Tory continues


I begin waka comot for that queue because I nor go fit face this man wey hin face strong kakaraka like Olumo Rock like this. Make I kuku dey waka comot for bank jare. Abi make I even summon courage ask them say I wan see am sef. But e fit turn to public disgrace o. E go beta make I dey go jare.

As I enter inside the glass door na hin I see person wey jus waka pass for inside bank. No doubt na she waka so o, I tok for my mind. Anybody no tell me anything before I begin push the door make e no close finish. The thing even catch me for hand sef. I put am inside my mouth sha kon dey get ready to enta d automatic cylinder door again because first of all the thing be don eject me put for outside.

"Wetin dis one dey find up and down?" Na so one old man tok o. Hin bear bear be like those people for 1000bc. I nor get hin time sha.

When I enter again, she don disappear. Abi na mirage I see? Which kind thing kon be dis nah? Abi she dey hide her face for me ni. I go siddown they wait weda she go come outside again.

I neva even use my buttock siddown finish when one man wey wear blue khaki kon dey question me.

"Oga, you dey wait for somebody ni?"

"Wetin concern you!" I give am straight.

"The thing be say we no dey allow person wait inside bank, that is why."

"Shay una don dey copy Wema bank sef abi?" I clear am sharp sharp. "I close my account because dem no dey allow person get rest of mind their--if you make call inside bank na sin...if you tok, na sin...if you siddown na sin..."

"But our own no be like that oga. Sebi we dey allow people make call nah," the security man tell me. "Na even because of space we dey ask say make people go wait inside waiting room outside sef."

"Wetin be waiting room? Shay na dat guard room u been dey call wetin room? Guy, nor tok am again make I no vex for you o. Over my dead body na hin I go enta dat kind place dey wait for person. That place wey be like police cell."

The security man get stubborn head o. Im be no wan leave me alone o. Hin just stand for my front dey block my view.

"Oga, you nor fit sit here like this," hin tok. "You know wetin town dey tok now abi? Na which day sef wey den discover bomb inside one bank wey dey town..."

"Shay na GTB?" I ask am sharply.

"God forbid!" hin tok quick quick.

As we dey yarn go na hin anoda security man waka come meet us. I nor know wetin that one sef dey find up and down.

"Wetin they happen for here?"

"Nothing o," I quick tok. "Na your co security wan evacuate me comot seat o."

"Oga, e take e easy pelu wa se e gbo?" that one dey yarn for yourba. I hear wetin hin tok but me wan pretend, so I tok say, "E be like say you nor dey see road well abi? I resemble yoloba for ya face?"

The man look me release two red smile. Hin don bring my temper down with those smiles. Kai! Wetin I for do eh. The man kon put hin hand on top my shoulder kon dey speak softly for my ears say, "No be say we no wan do our customer well, but you know wetin town dey tok now, abi?"

"Na true you tok," I tok inside shame as I kon get up, turn make I enter the glass door waka comot. Something just tell me say make I go join the queue again and na so I go join dey wait make I kuku do the withdrawal wey I really kon do jare.

E never tey well well when them begin direct us wey we wan withdraw say make we follow one place go inside go withdraw. I for vex but because I be dey think say na opprtunity for me weda I go fit see Titi na hin make me follow them waka go the place wey den dey tok.

To my surprise, na Titi siddown kule for the second chair wey dey front kon put computer for her front dey press am. My mind fly go up so tey I be wan fly queue go meet am immediately. I struggle go front small go dey fight for space but dat guy no dey read wink at all.

"Oga, park well, I no know you!" the guy shout ontop my head. "You dey here before ni?"

"You no even sabi do parole," I clear the guy kon begin waka dey go back my space. Hin tok say, "Parole ko, parole ni," but me just swallow am do like say I no hear.
Now na to struggle get my place back because two old papa don kon join where I dey. I tell dem say na me dey there before, but dem tok say dem no meet me there before for yoruba.

"O gbe aye wa latorun ni?" na so one of them tok. I understand am well. Hin dey tok for yoruba say shey I bring space come from heaven? I no tok, I just queue for their back dey expect make queue reduce enter my turn.

Tory continues...


Oya make line kon begin move joor. Me wan give Titi one 'upper-cut' surprise. E go shock am if she just see me land kule for her front as if say I disappear come. E beta make I dey hide my face for ram till I go reach her front o, or else she go discover say I don come there kon waka comot as she do that time.

Her sight dey sweet me for bele. If I fit just marry am everything wey dey do me don finish. I go carry am go anambara go wed am there. Bride price no kuku dey plenty for here as e dey for our side.

Line begin reduce, my joy begin boku. She do say she wan comot for inside that four corner wood wey she siddon!

Nor try am o! na so my mind begin tok. She stand up waka comot when be say she no kukuma hear wetin ny mind dey tok. She no tay at all when she come out carry plenty money enter her little confinement back dey continue wetin she dey do.

One guy kon stay my side dey throw hand. I throway face! Who know am? Dem go say who born monkey? Na person born am nah!

Na so I dey hear the guy dey whisper, "Guy, guy."

I bone do like say no be me hin dey call. Wetin concern me there? Na so I begin hear tap ontop my shoulder o.

Who be this guy gan wey no dey fear fa-ace? I dey ponder. Na so I turn face am sharply.

"Wetin!" I do strong face for ram.

"Guy make I join queue nah," hin tok jejely.

"For where? Go enter for my back nah," I tell am.

"Guy abeg, make I run enter do the thing sharp sharp nah!"

As e tok say sharp sharp, I remember one film wey I watch 'Mr Sharp Sharp'.

"Oga, no be here o," I tell am.

"Why you dey do like this nah?" the guy begin dey talk. "You no be woman nah."

"When then?" I tok. "Den no let me enter when me sef wan do this kine thing wey you dey do now. Go join queue joor. I no get your time again o bro," I tok kon bone face put for one side.

The guy no comot for my matter o. I no know wetin hin wan die do for my side. Now I look my back, the line don long kon dey kolokolo like snake, na so I begin pity the guy, but person wey dey my back don know wetin we dey tok since, so e sure me die say the girl no go gree even if I say make the guy kon enter. She go say make hin enter for her back. Person wey dey her back go say same thing and so on and so forth until the guy go go meet himself for back gan gan gan.

I begin put ibo brain inside the matter. If e go pay me in the end I go fit do am nah. I no mean say make hin lay me money o. Wetin I dey think be say if hin give me hin bank document, me go fit help am out, at least e go fit make me tay well for Titi front since she go dey treat two documents instead of only my own so our tok tok go fit boku well well.

Oya nah make I see weda e go work.

I tap the guy small hin respond well well.

"Na deposit you wan do abi?"

"Yes," hin tok softly.

"Bring am!" I say kon look left right look left second time make I take see say dem no see me. Dem see me just troway face. Dem no just wan cause wahala ni o.

If to say na withdrawal the guy wan kon do, the clinch for no click, but mean say na deposit, then nothing do us.

Trust me, I look the money well see say e complete make e no kon become the case wey be say we go dey accuse each other of stealing o. If people for bank follow us hear that, dem go blame us join ni say we even get got take dey discuss our illegal transactions.

E don reach my turn. Den tok say next, I bone that other woman kon ask the girl wey dey my back say make see go first. She too happy.

Mouth don tear me to pieces put for parker put for dustbin for that small thing wey I do. I just run put my ear piece enter my ear before dem begin chop me.

"Next!" Titi tok but I no hear because my earpiece dey inside my ear. But I get luck say person push me from back so tey I throway earpiece rush go stay for her front.

"Titi titi," I tok fondly.

"Where do you know me?" she put up a frowny face. "Have we met before?"

"Yes now," me wan try begin tok correct English now. "For that beke junction side that one mango tree dey," I no know when I end up dey yarn broken again. E no easy true true, English wey I no dey tok well when I even dey school, how I go fit tok am well now when be say I don komot school tay tay?

"Beke?" she tok as if she never here 'beke' before. Beke na where some ibo boys like me dem dey sell their special cooked rice and beans. Dem no dey bother pick the beans and the rice dey swell up come out of pot so tey na cover of pot person go dey take guide the sides make wetin person wan gain for the rice no don pour down finish when person dey use stick turn am for fire.

Those pots wey dem dey use cook fit contain one whole human being if hin fold well well enter. As in en, dem too big.

"Yes, Beke shop that den dey eat inside for Egba street nah," I don fall enter pidgin again. Wetin man go do nah?

"I can't get you, please bring your teller and let me attend to you," she begin show irritation for face.

"Titilayo nah," I tok like say I dey sing am for mouth. "Oya, you sef think am. How I take know your name if we never meet before?" I tok as I dey give am teller. Na only my own teller I give am first make the whole process fit tey well well.

"Look here," she show me her ID card take use fall my hand. I shame no be small.

"Okay nah, you don catch me Titi, but you no remember my face true true? Na me sell plastic of rice and beans give you that day nah!"

She smile her dimples come out suddenly kon clap her hands three times kon hiss.

"Mo rogo o," she tok for yoruba. "E e e e," she do like say she dey yawn.

She do my transaction finish give me two duplicate copies of the teller tok say next!

"I have never finish," I blow big blunder. Some people laugh. Me no kuku know that time say na blunder I blow wey make dem dey laugh. I think say na the second teller wey I just comot for my pocket cause their laughter.

"Take this one," I give am. She frown face when I give him. "So Titi, you don remember my face now?" I ask am. "That guy wey sell raw rice and beans give you that day wey ..."

She no let me tok finish before she vex shout say, "I buy my foodstuffs from anybody so how do I know who is who? By the way young man, maintain your level and don't get yourself embarassed here okay? I don't know you, period!"

"Yes ma, my Oga at the top!" I salute kon keep quiet till she finish the second transaction.

Comment if you dey follow the tory...till then goodbye

Na so I do my transaction finish begin they waka comot bank hall. Chai! Chai! Chai! Na so person dey deny person? I begim think. Well sha, Peter sef deny hin Lord nah, so no be new thing under the earth nah.

I think so tey I begin they tok for my mind say Titi no really worth person wey person go wan die put for her head nah! Ijeoma for my village fine pass am sef, why I go kon begin give myself headache ontop woman matter?

Me wan marry am ni, no be say I wan play am like ball. Na wetin people like am no go understand be that. Na opportunity sef, big opportunity say Ibo guy wan marry Yoruba lady, I begin dey think am for my mind. Instead make she jump put for ogbonge opportunity like that, she dey do yanga. Na that song wey oga Lagabaja sing that year dey dey at work now. I happy say I don sabi Yoruba now. When hin firsyt sing am me no understand one thing inside:

Instead wey she suppose marry person like me wey go treat am with care like breakable egg, hin wan go marry person wey dey win award for lawn Tennis like Roger Federer

I don tok am, I no dey interested again. No be everything wey dey shine go be my own. I remember last two years, 2012, na so I wan begin die ontop another girl matter until I found out say hin done marry already sef.

Me dey always fear say girls dey run from me. Abi na because I nor take up that 'dibia' wey my grandparents predict say na my destiny? Well sha, no qualm. One day my own go jam me, at least for now I still be 27 years. I still get time.

This university wey I no go dey really give me big concern o. And if to say I be graduate now, na this same Titi go begin dey find me about titititi o o o o o! Kai, money na power o. The thing too dey command respect abeg.

Who for know say Solo get sense if hin no rich join am? Nobody go know you say you get sense if dem no see you inside big Morano , I begin dey reason. Abi how many talents wey don die rotten because dem no get sponsor mey den take explode wetin dey their head? Mtchew!

I balance for inside my shop dey sell my beans and rice go, awaiting who go be my first customer for the day. Me don determine say, whoever he be, me go give am 'jala' abi na jara den dey call am. Make I kuku tok say 'eni' abi 'fisi' before my front teeth comot leave my rear teeth lonely inside my mouth.

I never settle well well wen I begin see one vague figure dey approach my shop. The face begin make sense for my eyes. I clear my eyes dey begin look on.

"Wetin I dey see? No be Titi be dis wey dey come so?" I tok put one hand over my face make sun no enter my eyes so I go fit see who e be clearly. "Na her joor!" I begin argue with myself.

Titi just waka enter my shop as if say she nor know wetin dey at stake.

"Who's here?" she tok. Me don kuku put my face ontop one of those big tables wey I put my rice and beans dey do like say I dey sleep. If she serious she suppose tap me for back make I wake up nah. Me go like make she tap me o. At least I go fit feel whether her palms na the ajebo type abi na ajepako own.

Na so I remain dey wait make she wake me up o. She begin bang the table wey I put my head o. I no shake at all.

"Which kind of sleep is this?" na so I hear am tok o. "O ga o," she add join.

Me don dey imagine how my wedding with am go be for future wey dey near so tey e fit be tomorrow sef. Chai! Me go spend everything wey I get take cater for ram o. Now as she come here, e don beta for me be dat. God don butter my toast bread.

Something tell me say make I even raise my head now sef, else she go just waka comot when I no answer ram. True true Titi don waka go far o. Chai!

"Hey! Hey! Customer!" I begin shout. She hear my name kon begin dey waka come.

"I thought you were sleeping before, that's why..." she stop suddenly. She don recognise my face. "Are you not the guy I saw in bank?" she tok like say person don release fart put for air.

"Yes nah!" I reply am. "You kon do say you don't know me abi?"

"Sincerely I didn't know it's you," she tok. "You know I've got a lot of you I buy my stuff from."

"Okay nah, wetin you wan buy?"

"Em...actually, I...I, em..." she begin dey stammer. My eyeballs begin dey bounce up, down, up, down for inside hin socket like basketball. Wetin she wan tok nah?"

She begin dey look here and there like person wey den pursue come.

"Em...actually I just need your favour, that's all."

"Favour? Ask nah! Which kind favour I nor go fit do fine girl like you nah?" I wan near am but she step back.

"I paid a customer in excess yesterday in the bank and I have to replace the loss with my personal money," she tok. "I am broke now, huh, you know I paid #30,000 to balance the transactions."

My body begin shake. Na tight corner this girl wan put me so o. Money wey I don dey gather make I take flex christmas and new year dey with me o, but this girl wan kon collect am?

I be ibo boy nah, I nor fit play with money. Ibo no dey do mistake wen money matter carry waka come. Wait o! Hope say this Titi no kon tempt me for here o.

"So, what you think say I can do?" I ask am.

"Em...if I can just get like fifteen thousand or twenty thousand from you, I'd be okay. I'm not saying you should give me free of charge but if you can just borrow me till January, I'll give you back. I'm broke for christ sake."

Hmm!" I breathe one kind breath wey strong like say I wan breathe my life comot.

"Can you help or I should go another place?"

I no wan lose Titi. As something don kon tie us together now, e fit be say na my prayers dey answer small small o. Okay nah, I know wetin I go do.

"See baby, I no really get much on me. But wetin I get I fit dash you, you hear. I dey come."

Na so I enter inside shop well well dey find my purse. I dey use style peep dey see how Titi just dey eager there dey scrub her palms together. E be like say she dey thank her stars for there ni.

Okay nah. I come out give am small change. Na 3k my mind tok say make I give am. Shr collect am, look am kon count am say, "3,000 naira?"

"Yes," I smile. "I dash you ni o."

"I know," she tok. I shock.

She never even thank me at all at all. She just put the thing inside her purse turn as if she wan dey go. She kon turn back last last say, "Chibuzor abi wetin be your name sef? Three thousand no fit buy love o. Anyway sha, thank you well well," she wink kon smile on top.

Yeeh! As she turn, I put my two hands on top my head. So na form Titi don dey form since as if say she nor sabi speak pidgin. Na wa o!

But that smile wey she drop na one kind charm o. Abi she put juju rub her face ni? My love for ram don even begin strong pass before sef.

Oya na, she don add me put for her scale of preference be dat nah. Na make I kon continue wetin I don start be that since she don use her own mouth start am.

Bros abeg com cntinue

classiclee:
Bros abeg com cntinue

me think say nobody dey follow sef. Okay I go continue asap.

how we no go take follow nw......com update joor......bt diz story looks familiar

bros abeg com update o.....me dey follow u o

Guy, which kind levels u wan form so? Abeg, finish wetin u start. I no like dis kain tin joor

Okay, I dey come

burkutu:
Guy, which kind levels u wan form so? Abeg, finish wetin u start. I no like dis kain tin joor

Toyade888:
bros abeg com update o.....me dey follow u o

ezeigbo194:
how we no go take follow nw......com update joor......bt diz story looks familiar

Since last week, December 10 wey she don waka enter my shop collect that 3k, me never see am again. I don even register put for facebook because of am, so tey I type Titi inside search like say na only am be dey answer Titi for the whole world.

When I see thousands of Titi wey their face pictures show for me, I shock. The result wey I see no be small thing o. The thing just resemble that time wey Mr Bean dey pursue one fowl wey carry hin flight ticket run, so tey hin pursue am enter one big poultry wey one thousand fowl dey. Oya nah, make I kon begin find my own Titi inside!

Wetin vex me be say guys sef dey inside there dey answer Titi. Na many kind of Titi I even see there. I check Titi titititi o o o o o o o o(till infinity) so tey my Tecno phone N3 wey I just buy begin spark light. The thing hot kon off sef. But me don gather many Titi names put for head sha--I see Titilayo, Titilope, Titilolu, Teetee, Titioye and so on.

I don even customise some Titi wey wan resemble the one wey I dey find. Like three of them sha. I even send message put their wall say make dem accept me say I be friend.

Wetin shock me now now as I see Titi be say one of the Titi wey I dey chat with don even accept say na she be the one wey I dey tok about. I ask am say why she never show for my shop since December 10 and she tell me say she dey down with malaria. I ask am say make she send some of her other pictures because na only one I dey see. She tell me say her subscription go soon finish as we dey chat and she no get money for hand to take do am.

I ask am say which one she dey do and she tok say na MTN Night plan she been don dey since that time wey Airtel dey threaten say dem go do am make BlackBerry plan no work for Android phone again.

I believe say our love don dey work because she sent me message for facebook say she loved me. That day, I happy so tey I wan do mistake nack my head for the pillar wey dey my house; that pillar wey I mistakenly nack my head on top when radio commentary of Nigeria football against Korea for 2010 Fifa World Cup tok say we don score third goal.

Make I yarn tory of the world cup game small sef. That day, I dey watch the match o. But when I watch am reach where Korea give us two-one na hin I waka comot go house dey vex say den don dey win us. I dey house kon dey restive so tey I begin dey blame myself sef, say why I no kuku watch am to the end, because as I dey here so sef, my mind no dey at rest.

Na so I carry Radio dey here the commentary. Na so we play penarity score equalising goal. Na Yakubu vex me. Then tok say the guy just dey misplay.

All of a sudden, commentator shout say "Gooooooaaal for Nigeria!!!" I run like one crazy person go nack my head for pillar outside. Just then na hin I hear say, "Oh no, it's not a goal, but so close!"

Chai! Naija sha! Den fit kill person o! No wonder people dey get hypertension dey die anyhow.

Back to Titi matter. When the message enter my facebook that time, na small he remain make my head hit that pillar again. But e go worth am nah! Abi? This one na love matter o. If things work wella, I fit marry am nah!

Okay, I can sent you change to take to buy card to subscribe na so I send am message that time so tey, she say make I just use the money buy credit text am. I buy credit wey worth #4,000 give am dey hope say I don get wife of my dream. At least she don tok am say she love me and hope to be mine.

When I ask Titi where she dey live, she tell me say the question no be now because her daddy no wan see person with am for now. I first dey shocked when she send that message.

I thought say you have finish your NYSC? Which one you is yarning now?[i]

[i] lol...darling, I'm just joking. Like seriously, you took me serious? grin

Why not? You know me is a serius man I reply. Me is want to marry you, not just to flirt with you

Hmm. And you will enjoy me cos I'm a virgin

A virgin? Good! Me thought before before no more virgin

Now you know, there is and it's me, Titi. Beep you later Chiboy, wanna sleep huh. ZzzzZ

Now as I see Titi dey waka hastily for my front, I run follow am. Na one T-shirt wey den crest 'My Oga At The Top' for hin back she wear. She even dey hurry sef, so tey I begin dey rush say make I catch up with am.

As I dey run towards her na so the first message enter my facebook chat:

Hi dear! na she send the message. I reach her side kon grip her hand.

"Hi my babe," I tell am real life say make I give am surprise, but she look me hissed.

"Hey, you this guy. What's your probs?" she tok kon pull my hand away. She still dey tok when another message sound for my phone. I shock because I no see Titi with phone nah! I run check the message kon see: Hey darling, I'm beeping you and you don't want to answer me? What's wrong this morning?"

Na so I shock!

So, na fake Titi I don dey chat with since all these days.

Chai!!!

Titi see me as my face change when I look inside my phone see the text message wey Titi-wannabe send give me.

"What's the matter?" Titi ask me.

"Nothing too much," I try tok like say me sef don tey inside Oyinbo world. Make I tok truth, that Titi wey dey inside phone don help me small sha o. My grammar wey be like chicken own don improve wella. At least I dmon sabi pass the monkey wey sabi book pass for world now.

If to say na to just dey flirt up and down ni, then that Titi wey dey inside my FB chat no too bad sef, but na wife gan gan I dey find, but I just get high taste sha.

Carol dey come my shop well well come buy something. She dey even always do many many thing make she take catch my attention sef. She even fine sef, but wetin spoil matter be say she be housemaid for one rich woman wey dey maltreat am pass anything.

Carol fine well well sef, but wetin dey there be say, she no even go secondary school at all at all. From primary straight na hin she don turn slave girl for inside person house.

Carol tell me say na corridor she dey sleep whereas her mistress dogs dey sleep ontop mattrass for inside room.

"That woman too bad so tey she no born any pikin--na dogs be her pikins," Carol go make fun if dem send am come buy foodstuff for my shop.

Carol go don reach nineteen years then. I senior ram with eight years nah. Make she go find her own mates, I go tok for my title block mind like say me sef na one ogbonge rich man.

My grammar wey no good no pass say I no develop am since nineteen-ninety-year-wey-I-no-fit-remember wey I don leave school. When I dey school sef na pidgin we dey yarn, so how I wan kon take sabi yarn correct English?

Now I dey feel say me don get two Titi options: one wey dey physical and one wey be say na only her picture I just dey see. Me sef no bother ask am say make she post her other pictures again when I don sabi say she no be the real Titi.

Anyhow sha, one Titi wey dey handy better pass nine Titi wey dey inside 'Facebush'--na Facebook I turn to Facebush so o.

Now make I kuku tell this Titi wey dey real life say I wan marry am. Abi make I even tell the two of them sef. Anyone wey go gree ni...no fight dey there.

For December 20, 2013, I compose my message send am put for Facebook chat give Titi wey be say na inside phone she dey siddon kule all the time.

'I love you and I want to marry you'

That Titi send me 'LWKMD' kon join am with 'ROTFL'.

When I first see the message, I fear say na virus don enter my phone. I run off am remove my battery because me never see that kind jagajaga thing before since past one month wey I join the world wey den dey chat.

When phone first come out that time, na 3310 me sef kuku follow them buy. Na later I change go buy Siemens because na that Jersey I dey see my club Real Madrid dey wear that time. Me believe say the phone go good well well since wey be say all the people wey dey inside that jersey--Rolando Da Viva abi na Dilemma, Zinedine Zenden abi na Mercedez Benz plus Sweet Figure...em, em Luiz Fingo, all of them like that sha, dem dey play well well inside that jersey.

That Siemens make me 'see mess' true true. Na battery be hin problem. If I charge am full finish, five minutes the thing don dey do battery low. Wetin dey vex person be say hin battery low na ringing tone o...one annoying sound go just begin dun Ko ko ko ko ko ko ko...till infinity...

That Siemens wan make person run mad. I don throway am nack wall many times make hin just stop that vexing sound wey hin dey do, but since say na kpalasa, the guy no gree spoil o.

The phone get one small 'horn' for head sha. Na wetin make me like am be that. You for see how my face be when the Siemens enter canal water one day kon swim comot my reach. That day eh...I no fit laugh grin
If you see the way this thing take swim inside the canal...eh...you go laff taya. I for put my hand inside the canal water pick am sharp sharp, but na one strong poopoo run waka come from nowhere kon hug am so tey, for long den just dey escort themselves swim comot.

Na after that Siemens na hin I kon buy one Nokia phone, torchlight wey I use for four years. Now na just last month I buy my Tecno phone, N3 wey I dey use.

I on my phone again, go my facebook chat see that LWKMD and ROTFL inside. Sharperly O don off am again begin run go phone flasher place. I trust that guy, Segun. Na hin dey help me repair all my phones that time. Make hin help me check the viruses flash them comot one time.

But Segun don do me one bad thing before sha o. Na hin sell one Siemens battery give me that year wey hin tell me make I charge am six hours before I use am. I even leave am for fire pass six hours sef, so the thing go fit last well well.

The desktop charger sef don hot well well when I remove the battery put am inside my Siemens wey hin charging point don spoil before.

As I put am finish, na one game wey be WAY OUT arcade game I dey play inside o. True true, I never use am pass fifteen minute when I begin hear ko ko ko ko ko ko. Battery low!!!

Now as I give Segun my phone say na virus dey inside, hin on am ask me where the virus.

I begin do small small dey slide my phone go the facebook chat. Me kuku don subscribe for MTN so data dey well well. I dey fear sef make virus no kon go enter my hand o. Me fear that LWKMD pass that ROTFL.

"You don see am?" I ask Segun.

"Wey am?" Segun dey ask me.

"You no get eye see am? You no see LWKMD and ROTFL ni?"

Segun burst enter inside laugh. Hin even fall for the small 'apoti' hin take siddon sef. When hin siddon back, I ask am, "Wetin happen nah? Why you dey make fun of me nah?"

"Oga Chiboy," Segun tok. "This your phone no go fit last you with this strong strong virus wey dey inside o."

"Ha!" I shout put my hands for head.

"Na the strongest viruses ever liveth be this ones o! LWKMD na Lukumon D be hin name o. LUKUMON DEATH and that other virus, that ROTFL na ROTIMI FELA o. Both of them na the baddest virus ever liveth," Segun tok with bone face o.

"Flash them comot one time!" I fear.

"You better dey happy say you run come my place quick quick o, if not, that LUKUMON D for kill your phone die within two hours. That ROTIMI FELA na hin servant wey dey help am."

"Quick, quick, flash them comot! How much be my money?" na so me ask quick o.

"Na just 1k," Segun tok as if say na on top agbalumo tree money dey grow.

"One ginni?" I put my ear for ground. "I no get that kind money o. See this 'Yoruba Yoruba' boy wey wan dupe Omo Nna o. Dem no born you!"

"Okay nah Oga Chiboy, dey carry your phone go nah. Buh if he spoil before you reach house no tell me say I no tell you o."

Segun face strong. Hmm. Hin dey serious o. And I never even sell much that day o. Which kind expenses be this nah?

"Sege, Sege, na play I dey nah!" I dey rub Segun for back make e fit bring the price come down. "Help me do am #500 nah. I go pay you, see, in cash lesekese, now now," I tok.

"Okay, bring your money first," Segun tok. He collect am pocket am sharply. "Na because na you o."

"Sege, Sege! OBJ," I dey praise am make hin head for dey swell. "You see say you no fit dupe sharp ibo guy like me," I conclude.

Segun just dey laugh with the boy wey dey for hin side.

"Chiboy, you too get aroro," Segun tok. "Take your phone I don do am."

I surprise as I check the facebook chat see say all our conversations don clear. Segun don do magic.

I begin dey waka go back my shop dey look inside phone again. Chatting mode activated.
Na small e remain make one bicycle jam me. If no be say I quickly hold the handlebar of the bicycle with my right hand, me and the boy wey dey ride am for don dey for ground now now.

Now I post message give facebook Titi again:

'As I was say before virus attack. I say I want marry you.'

My phone beep immediately:

"Serious? LWKMD!!! ROTFL!!! LMAO!!!"

Chai! LUKUMON D don come again with one new friend LMAO!!!

I nearly faint

Na continuation be this

E tey small before I get say na big dupe this boy wey hin name be Segun dupe me so o. Na Emeka my neighbour clear me the matter sef.

I vex so tey I enter Segun shop go rake for hin head.

I collect my money back o. Why I no go collect am back when be say I don threaten am with police? E be like say Yoloba people no dey like hear police matter for their ears. Come Anambra nah, you go see strong guys dey drag stuff with police. The one wey funny me pass be one criminal wey police hold tight for hin belt region, that belt region wey be say if den hook you, no man fit put you asunder, but the criminal sef kon do wetin make LWKMD o. Hin too just hook the police for that same region so tey e kon be like tug of war.

The guy dey drag police enter corner, police wan drag am reach nearest police station. E kon become matter of say who get power pass for the two.

Smoking corner no too far, so the guy dey get upper hand. The 'wakasby' just they waka go jejely dey mind their business kon dey use style turn head back dey look who dey win.

The guy get power sha o. Hin don drag the police near the uncompleted building wey hin gang dey before the officer realise say hin don dey near hot soup small small. E shock us wey dey do amebo as the police take leave the guy trouser region kon go down on hin knee dey beg the guy.

"Please guy free me mey I dey go nah! Sebi me don free you!"

"For where?" na so the guy clear am. "You dey follow me enter this Lion's den o!"

"Chai! *Chi mo o! Ka nke a na-eme" the guy begin confess dey shed tears[*I'm doomed today, God]

"*Chineke ga pogi oku!" na so the bad guy curse am.[*God punish you!]

I don see guys for area dey approach that place make den snap pictures small. Phone no too too dey that time, if not, the police for hear am. Anyway sha, den take their cameras snap am small.

E sure me say na fun e go be for those lucky guys o; den go enjoy the fun throughout that week; abi who no go like see police wey wear uniform kon kneedown for civillian dey beg am?

When I later tell my guy Emeka that story, next day hin don bring one picture come wey be like that scene exactly. I say where hin get am, hin tell me say na photoshop hin take do am.

Me no quick get am, so I ask am say where the shop dey mey I fit get that picture put inside my phone too, since hin tok say hin no fit give me the one wey dey hin phone because of copyright.

"Photoshop far o, Chiboy," na so Emeka tell me. Na hin be the boy wey dey run the beke shop where den dey sell rice and beans for my shop side.

"Where hin dey, abi no be inside Naija ni?"

"Na here nah," Emeka tok. "But na Egbeda I go do am come, Egbeda for Sobo bus/stop area. Na there the photoshop dey. That Photoshop na one kind big mansion o. I nor even know why den dey call am shop sef," Emeka tok plenty.

I don hear Sobo bus stop before. That place far from Ojuelegba wey I dey, no be small.

I don dey hear 'kpin, kpin, kpin!'
Na Emeka dey press my big calculator so o.

"Wetin you dey calculate?" I ask am.

"Transport money nah!" Emeka tok. The guy too sharp abeg. And me dey like sharp guys like myself too much o, but e be like say Emeka wan sharp pass me small o.

"For wetin?"

"To take acquire that photo come nah. You know, Chiboy, on the normal parole nah." He wink give me.

E be like say na juju hin put rub face o. I just say "Okay, how much kon be the thing last last?"

"Na 2k o. 2k wey no fit go down by one naira."

"E too cost abeg!" I tok throway hand. "Just to get picture alone?"

"Na five hundred be transport fare to and fro Chiboy. That photo na #1,500 you go fit get am o. Oya nah, calculate am yourself nah."

"Abeg I no want," na so I free am make e dey go. "If you fit gree 1k make we tok."

"You never ready," na so NneEmeka tok waka comot my front.

Me wan even confirm that stuff for my Titi hand, I mean my facebook Titi. At least me don vex for am ontop that matter of impersonation, but she don apologize give me say if I see am for real life, I go see say she even fine pass that Titi wey I dey tok sef. Me sef don believe am.

That Titi sef don send me many many pictures of herself wey she siddon ontop horse, wey she dey barbeach, wey she dey ride inside ferry and plenty like that. Chai! This Titi must be from one fine and wealthy family o, unlike this one wey I don know her house last last, just last week. Na ajepako she even be sef, yet she go dey claim as if say she come from one rich family. Maybe as she don dey work for GTB now, she don big for her own face be that. Mtchew!"

Back to my Facebook Titi jare. Na so I ask am whether she know anything about the Photoshop, hin location and so on.

"Emeks my friend said Photoshop is Egbeda is located," I waka come with my normal grammatical blunder again.

"No, no, no, no," she ping me. "Photoshop is somewhere around Ikoyi where I stay. Is anything the probs?

"But Emeks say is Egbeda it is, Sobo Bus/stop."

"Oh it's true, but that one is just a branch office. The head office is here in Ikoyi where I'm working. I'll send you the picture if you wish to see it--I'll send you the picture of the head office now. It's where I'm working."

"I think you said is Total you working last week."

"Oh, Chiboy, I didn't tell you. My dad was not happy with me over there. He wants me to work with him in his big office, Photoshop, so I have to obey him."

She send one fine 20-storey building picture give me say na the photoshop be that. I even see wey den write PHOTOSHOP on top the building. Wow! So na such big place my FB Titi dey work! I no go let am slip off my hand o.

"Okay," I smile. This Titi don tell me many things about herself o. Guilty conscience don begin hold me because me never tell am wetin I dey do. For my faebook profiles, na just one picture dey there. The one wey I wear suit, suit wey my uncle dash me that year wey me still dey stay with am for lagos here.

Now, make I kuku tell Facebook Titi make he help me get that photo sef. E go even clear pass the one wey Emeka wan give me.

Na so I tell Titi say make she help me get that picture wey I dey tok about for her office. I describe am well well:

Police wey dey kneedown beg civillian.

"Oh, that picture will be too expensive. Can you afford it?" she tell me.

"How much?" I ask am.

"It's just five thousand from here, very clear pix with high resolution, 80megapixels, high definition with a very sound background..."

"Is do okay," I combine tautology with grammar confusion. Me no kuku sabi wetin be megapixels and all the things wey she dey yarn. But the money too much o, five thousand. Chai! But I wan show say I get dough for hand nah, make she fit dey continue follow me until I go fit gather enough ba take dey run better legit business. By then na hin our wedding go come since she don agree to marry me already.

"Send me your account number," I ask am. E no tey at all wey she don send am.

"Titi don tell me say na Photoshop office be that before nah. If you no blind you go see the Photoshop wey den write for hin body now."

"See, Chibuzor, Photoshop no be office at all, mey I tok truth now."

"Wetin e be?"

"Na one thing wey den dey use do design," hin tok. "I go show you make I run go bring my laptop. Chiboy, you be correct mugu!"

"Na you be mugu no be me!" I tok as Emeka dey rush comot. "Oya, mey I continue my chat with Titi joor!"

Immediately I don continue my FB chat. Na only one thing wey I sabi for internet be that; two jare(plus Yahoo), yet Segun don issue me certificate say I be qualified Phone Scientist.

"Have you seen the pix, Chidear?" Titi chat me.

"Yeah, babe. I see it!" I text am. "Thank you."

"It's my pleasure darl...have a nice day."

Hahaha..... I get many igbo mugus like chiboy.dem lucky say I no b bad guy. I 4 don dey do dem something tey tey.

burkutu:
Hahaha..... I get many igbo mugus like chiboy.dem lucky say I no b bad guy. I 4 don dey do dem something tey tey.

Anyway, my name is Sammy and I am not a herbalist tribalist. Is the story interesting at all?

Emeka don run waka enter my shop back. Chai! if u see the guy face eeh! E just dey use vex waka come. Which kind palavar kon be this nah? Wetin dey worry Emeka sef? Wetin be hin problem sef? Na hin get the money wey I spend ontop my Titi ni?

"Chibuzor, you be correct mugu!" Emeka tok siddon my side put hin laptop down. "See wetin den dey call photoshop for here!"

I no wan even listen mey I hear wetin hin dey yarn. Na by force? Emeka disturb me so tey I look hin side. Hin run use hin camera snap me kon connect hin phone for the laptop.

"So, where the thing wey you wan show me now?" I ask am. I don dey lose my patience already.

"Get patience smallu nah," Emeka tell me. I soon see myself inside hin laptop.

"Guy, how you take do that?" I dey look am with surprise.

"Simple tekinology," Emeka tok like ibo boy. Na the way wey hin dey take call 'August' na hin dey funny me pass. He go tok say 'Ogosu'. Hin January sef na 'Jenuwari' hin dey call am.

"Eewe!" I shine my eyes dey look the thing. Wetin shock me na one calabash wey I see ontop my head suddenly for that picture. When hin snap me just now, nothing dey ontop my head. How that calabash kon take get there? E kon be like say I wan go do sacrifice take give Ekwensu.

"How come? How you do am?"

"Na Photoshop work be dat," Emeka tok give me. "You never see nathing!" hin tok like those Agbero for Ladipo Oshodi.

The second one wey I see na him make me shock pass. I just see say one woman back me for back like baby. Na only my big head dey show for ontop the wrapper wey the woman take tie me.

"Emeka! You be winch?"

"Na still photoshop, oya make I show you how I take do that one wey police kneedown for civilian."

Emeka begin drag picture up and down. Hin get one picture wey one person dey kneedown. Hin get another picture of one police wey dey collect bribe for express road. Before I know am, he don cut the police uniform comot kon go gum am ontop the guy wey dey knee down body. He do many many other magic wey I no undrlerstand and then the thing don ready.

My mouth don pave way tey tey. Den don sell me wey I no no. I don begin dey bite my lips; my head don scatter.

I no believe say my Titi fit do that kind thing for me. I wan vex text am blast am immediately, but Emeka say mey I no do that.

"We go fit catch am redhanded," Emeka tok. "She go fall enter our trap."

"Hmm!" I sound kon dey look ground like person wey dey hear smell of mess. No be the fact say I lose my money ontop nothing dey vex me, but the fact say my own facebook Titi wey I wan marry fit dey give me that kine big lie lie.

"So, how you kon think say we fit catch Titi redhanded nah?" I ask Emeka.

"Na simple thing Chiboy. Just relax! Pesh!" Emeka dey rub hin chest say make I nor worry.

Chai! My mind don begin shift back go the real Titi now. Soldier go soldier come na hin be this matter wey dey ground o.

Titi chat me, "Hi, Chiboy!"

I no respond.

My facebook Titi don ping me 'hi' like five times wey I no respond. She send me 'Are you there,Chiboy?'

Me wey I don dey rage already. Me nor go fit marry woman wey no dey honest o. My vex don hot so tey if you cook ontop am, e go fit boil water. Chai! See as this girl use my head!

Na Emeka peep inside my phone see say I no answer the messages wey hin dey send since.

"Chiboy! Wetin dey worry your head nah!" Emeka tok. "Sebi I don tell you say make you no worry say we go hayaj am by surprise. If you stop talking to her, we no go fit catch am o.!"

"Wetin you mean?" I ask Emeka.

"Bring the phone jare!" Emeka shout snatch the phone from me. "Iti mpataka!"

I just dey look Emeka. I no kuku sabi wetin hin wan do with my phone. I don taya sef, anything wey hin like mey hin dey do ontop am. Wetin concern me? Wetin I know be say no money go comot my pocket give anybody again.

"Take your phone back," Emeka tok. "I don respond am."

"Why nah?" I shout for hin head. "Why you respond that kind person nah? I don leave am for life! I go go continue with my real world Titi instead of that flirt wey dey inside phone!"

"You too tok Chiboy!" Emeka tok. "Check your phone first!"

I check the phone see wetin I no believe. Emeka don speak with am at length. I begin read their tok tok:

Titilayo Adelanwa: 3:30pm
Hi Chiboy
3:31pm
Chiboy! Chiboy!! Aww!
3:32pm
What happened?
3:32pm
Are you there Chiboy?
3:33pm
What's wrong sweetie?
3:34pm
Please talk to me, I'm getting scared!!!
8minutes ago
Chibooooyyyyy!!!

7 minutes ago
Chibuzor Orizu:You wan call person name die ni?

6 minutes ago
Titilayo Adelanwasadsighs) You scared me! Why aren't you answering my chat since?

6 minutes ago
Chibuzor Orizu: I be dey take my bath ni o. No vex dear.

5 minutes ago
Titilayo Adelanwa: Hey! Come off that dirty pidgin thing Chiboy! I can't understand it.

5 minutes ago
Chibuzor Orizu: lol...

4 minutes ago
Titilayo Adelanwa: You can communicate in that Queen English of yours Chiboy! I love your English.

3 minutes ago
Chibuzor Orizu: hmm...you is fun-making me abi? Ride on...

2 minutes ago
Titilayo Adelanwa: I'm saying the truth Chiboy!

2 minutes ago
Chibuzor Orizu: Okay...you has no problem...your head is there.

1 minutes ago
Titilayo Adelanwa: (frowns) Chiboy, seems you're very fast on the keyboard now. Wow! Your typing skill's becoming awesome!

1 minutes ago
Chibuzor Orizu: A yam laerning... hey, let us leave that talk first. Titi, I love you.

1 minutes ago
Titilayo Adelanwa: Sure, me too...

30 seconds ago
Chibuzor Orizu: Send me your Account Number, I just feel to sending you #50,000 to buy fine fine cloth for yourself. I want come your place soon.

20 seconds ago
Titilayo Adelanwa: Thanks a lot Chiboy!!! Account Number: 012185334, WEMA BANK, no need
sending branch nowadays, they'll forward it to my account straight. I'll be expecting. When are you sending it Chiboy?

Just now
Chibuzor Orizu: "9am, tomorrow!"

Just now
Titilayo Adelanwa: Wow! I'm blushing!!!

"Chai! Which kind message be this nah, Emeka!" I shout for hin head. Where I wan see that kind big money, 50k!"

Emeka look me hiss.

"You no even sabi coding sef."

"Wetin you dey code Emeka?"
I tok.

"You just sidon dey look wetin I go do that girl," Emeka tok.

Na that same day I see person dey use hin java phone dey browse one site wey I never hear before. The boy just dey laugh like say dem dey tickle am for armpit. I ask am, "Biodun, wetin dey make you laugh like this sef?"

"Na tory o! Chai! Omo, see tory," na so the guy tok burst enter laugh again.

"Tory?" I never hear say person fit dey read tory for phone before. Na so I ask the boy, "Which kind tory be that nah mey I see am?"

"Na one pidgin tory o," the boy tok.

"For Facebook?" I ask am quick, wen be say na only Facebook me sabi for phone. Nothing dey sweet me for Yahoo joor.

"Facebook ke? Wetin concern me concern facebook? Mtchew!" Biodun hiss bury hin head inside hin phone dey laugh again.

"Hey! If you wan cre, no be inside my shop you go kon do that one o! Comot for here now now!"

The boy look me begin beg me.

"Oga Chibuzor nah, please nah! Na because of this tory I run comot house o! My mama pursue me comot with turning stick when she tok say mey I carry elubo go kitchen wey be say na inside toilet I go land."

"Chekwe!" I shout hold my head. E dey possible? How come? How person go forget hinsef ontop phone go enter toilet instead of kitchen? Na lie joor.

I begin dey reason with am. E fit be true sha! Like that day wey I dey chat Titi facebook for road wey be say na small e remain make bicycle jam me. Anyway, I just free the guy kon ask am wetin hin dey even check sef.

"Na tory I dey check o," Biodun reply me.

"Tory for where?" I ask am. "You mean say English reading book dey inside there?"

"No Chiboy, na nairaland I dey o," I tok.

"Nairaland? Wetin den dey do for there nah?"

"Den dey read tory noni," the guy tok enter another round of ogbonge laughter. This time I just provoke snatch the phone from ram look wetin hin dey do sef. True true I read small lines kon see say na pidgin story as he tok.

"Oya, help me do am inside my phone mey I dey read sef," I give am. Me too like pidgin that year sha. Sharperly the guy give me the address where I fit go. He tok say www.nairaland.com. I no waste time, I don reach there. Tekinology sha.

Na literature section me enter straight. Wetin concern me concern all the news wey just scatter up and down? As I reach literature section na hin I see Man Wey Dey Reason

Quick I don click am dey read. Chai! the tory long die o! The thing don even enter page 108 before I start dey read am. E go even better for me sha. Mey I just read am direct instead wey I go dey wait mey OP update every now and then.

Before I enter inside the thread sef, I don bypass many many threads when be say readers dey hala Op mey he kon continue hin story, else...

I see thread like Everybody Is A Genius, like that like that sha! Wetin the guy wan yarn for there sef? Which kind yeye tok be that? How everybody wan take be genius for this world. As much as e take concern me, na only me be genius. Any other genius na original fake.

I even see one thread sef. The title too long jare; na only who write am I sabi! Who write am sef, one guy wey hin username be Ericomoto. Mey I try remember that long name sef? Em...em...okay I don remember: LET'S PLAY THIS WORD GAME CALLED LAST MAN STANDING! I run enter the thread vex come outside again.

"Which kind thing the guy dey yarn for inside there sef?" I begin tok to myself. The guy dey tok say hin dey find person wey go comment last. "Why everybody wan even carry last sef? Mtchew!" The name wey I see last for there that time na Sammy Hoe. I shake my head say chai! this guy don carry last last last.

I waka comot there enter my pidgin tory again jare. Na Flow1759 dey reign o!

Emeka kon meet me say wetin I dey do sef.

"Me don get another website o!" I tell am. "This one sweet die!"

"En-hen! Mey I help you feel am too nah!"

"No problem," I tok kon bend my phone say mey hin sef dey enjoy am.

"So, Emeka how far you and Facebook Titi don go nah? Hope say she never kana say you no be Chiboy."

"How hin wan take kana? Impossible!" Emeka tok like person wey get confidence boku! I laff one kind laff wey make my guy shout, "Chibuzor! Wetin be your problem nah?"

"Na Flow wan kill me o!" I dey tok laugh. "The guy too flow abeg!"

Emeka see say I no even get time for ram sef, so tey hin waka comot my shop. Me no even mind am. Mey he carry go with Titi for facebook chat nah, abi I don kuku give am my username and password.

Bros come write jae

classiclee:
Bros come write jae

I don come

I spend plenty time for the pidgin tory kon say mey I enter another one. This time, the thread wey dey ontop patapata na that LET'S PLAY THIS WORD GAME CALLED LAST MAN STANDING

Mey I even enter there see the thing wey den dey do jare. As I reach there na hin I see wetin the guy dey tok. He tok say den dey find person wey go comment last. But your comment must begin with the last word wey previous person tok.

"Na me go comment last for sure," I smile for my 'title block' mind. Na so I kon begin find where I go post message. When I no see am, I vex drop the phone. When Biodun come back my shop na hin I ask am, "How I go fit comment nah?"

"E dey there nah!" Biodun tell me.

"I no see am," I show am.

"Ah! Oga, na like guest you take enter o. You never register?"

"Which one be guest again?" I confuse.

"Na so you go appear if you no register account for nairaland, oga Chiboy," he clear me.

"So how I go register nah?" I ask. Biodun show me how. "Hmm...Biodun, you too gbaski!"

'Na u o!" the guy wine me small.

Quick, quick, I don do the needful. E no hard me before I open account for Nairaland. Na wetin dey my mind that time be the way wey Titi take dupe me, so I use 'Magawealthy14' open my account. The last comment wey dey the thread tok say 'Today Is Friday!'

Quick, my head don run boot wetin I go tok wey go make me be the last man wey go stand. Oya now, I write Friday na dat wey get many xanxxanxnanx

I relax dey wait for who go fit try that kind jagajaga word wey I write. Na me be champion. Na me be last man standing. Quick I don go back flow dey read hin pidgin tory. But before I enter oga Flow tory sef, my finger don go do mistake click one kind long sermon like that wey one boy write; the boy name na Seun.

I don read am small before I no say no be Man Wey Dey Reason I dey o. This one na HOW TO PLACE AD ON TARGETED AREA I think say that Seun guy wan dupe Nairaland ni, so therefore I run click report, so mey I report the guy for Nairaland say make den be careful o, say I guy called Seun don open thread to take dey siphon people money enter corner o. Abi nah, I nor fit see truth mey I no talk nah.

Emeka come back tell me say mey I get ready to spend more money o.

"Wetin again?" I provoke. "One chi-chi no dey come out this pocket again!"

"Chibuzor nah! Just mey you spend the last money mey we take catch dat facebook girl as e dey hot, you kon dey show yourself abi?"

"This one no be matter of showing any sef, Emeka. Me no just get chi-chi to waste again. Period!" I vex.

Emeka no fit deceive me again. No be now wey my eyes don dey open enter inside internet world. Na ignorance wan kill me die before. No be here again, Chiboy don wise, olote, mey una carry waka enter corner.

Since last month November, na soso Chiboy Maga this, Maga that I dey here up and down street and I no who scatter that yarn, na Segun for sure. Now sense don boku my head, make nobody no think say hin go fit use my head again o.

I enter my dear literature thread again say mey I check that LAST MAN STANDING THING sef. Na like page two hundred and forty something that thing dey that time sef. Na one girl dey rain that time, her name na Babe2sure. She just dey all over the thread that time.

Wetin surprise me be say the 'xanxxanxnanx' wey I post that time no be the last word standing again. Den don dust am pass. How manage! I shock. Mey I look person wey comot me for position. Na one kind Damex333 name I see there o. Which kind thing? I run read wetin the guy post.

Xanxxanxnanx is not an English word, so let's waka pass

The thing pain me enter bone. The guy don push me comot for last guy standing kon still disgrace me. Walai I go revenge. Na ontop revenge mission I dey wey make me quote am dey vex for am. Instead make people begin console me na sosos abusw den dey open like bullet ontop my body:

Guy you blind
Didn't you read the rule?
Magawealthy14...smh for you
Na your name dey follow you...maga
Illiterate on thread
Waste of space
No blame the guy nah

Na the last quote wey den quote me catch my attention. At least one person don take side with me. Quick quick I don click 'like' for ontop hin comment.

"You get sense!" I tok for my mind kon refresh see say the guy never finish wetin hin wan tok:

No blame the guy nah. I know am personally, na garri hin don dey drink since last two weeks. Like seriously, people no dey read rule? Mtcheeeeeewwww! angry

"What?!" I shout. I don provoke pass elastic limit. Quick I don unlike am kon vex click 'report'. E be like say den don use that report do me sef.

I opt comot for nairaland patapata. Me no go come here again for life. Imagine how guys just serious ontop my matter dey run their mouths anyhow.

Emeka kon meet me again concerning that mata.

"Guy, you just dey make yanga eh," Emeka tok.

"Wetin I do you nah?"

"Me don play with that Titi head wella."

"Continue," I tok. "My hand no dey there again.

"Chiboy, why you dey fall my hand nah? The girl don dey ask for that 50k since two days ago, buh me just dey scope am."

"Na you sabi," I tok. "Nna mheen, me no dey for this and that again, you hear? The one wey all of una don cheat me don do."

Emeka just siddon kule ontop the mata. Hin no just wan give me allowance mey I take breath.

"Okay nah, tell me Wetin you want," I ask am at last.

Emeka clear throat kon sight wella tok say "Chiboy, e for good mey we teach that girl lesson nah. Mey we catch am give godogodo."

"Hmm, na true," I tok. "But wetin kon be the problem nah? Ride on, I free you."

"But we go need small money take do am."

"Wetin?" I look Emeka like say hin be boss me be actor.

"Na 3k we go need o, Chiboy and we go fit catch that girl collect big money from am."

"How? Wetin you wan use 3k do?"

Emeka don sabi say I don dey fall small small. No blame me, na my weak point be that. I too dey believe people too much. Na wetin make me go give one care taker money for one shop be that wey be say na fake. That time, when I wan kon pack enter the shop, I see say somebody don pack enter. Na soso fight we take settle am that year. In short na police kon quench the matter. Na after that time I kon rent the shop wey I dey now.

"Answer me nah? I say wetin we wan use 3k do?"

"You dey sleep?" Emeka tok. "You no here say we wan use am buy bulk sms?"

I don confuse again. Which one be bulk sms again now.

"Bulk sms abi wetin you call am Emeka? Shay na dat kine thing wey den send give me that year say I don win for the lacasera promo?"

Emeka laugh. Anytime wey I tok that lacasera thing, na so Emeka go dey shine hin teeth.

That year eeh, na #2,000 recharge card waka comot my hand because say I wan collect #500,000 wey den tok say I win. Chai! 419 boku for naija o.

"Bulk sms no be that kind thing joor. That one na because MTN go give people plenty free text messages na hin make dat kine thing boku that year," Emeka tok. "Me sef dupe many magas that time too nah! I make my cool money!"

I just dey look Emeka with vex. Na matter of thief wey wan catch thief now. So, Emeka sef dey inside that kine thing.

E be like say Emeka don see reaction inside my eyes na hin make am tok say, "But me don repent now sha!"

"Repent ke? You wey you still wan dupe me last week for that photo matter before I run enter Titi hand."

"Mey we forget that one, Chiboy," Emeka use calm voice change the tok. "So, as I dey yearn you, bulk sms na one package wey be say u fit use am send message make the thing enter person phone with any name wey you want."

"Azzz in!"

"Az in dat kind alert wey Intercontinental bank, abi wetin be there name now, dey send give you anytime wey you go withdraw for inside their account abi if money enter."

"So, wetin we go kon use am do to take catch Titi now?"

"You no grab? We go use am send Titi message say #50,000 don enter her Wema bank account nah! We go put Wema like say na dem send am."

I begin reason sense with Emeka. That kine thing go make sense die, buh me never still know how we wan take catch am o.

"So, how we wan kon take catch am now?" I ask.

"Simple!" Emeka tok. "We go just send the message like that kon catch am when hin wan withdraw am."

One problem kon show face inside our plan sha. Emeka tok say hin go need know Titi name gangan as she no put her name for the account number wey she send inside my facebook chat.

"Na Titilayo Adelanwa nah," I tok. "You no see am for facebook?"

"You dey believe that name?" Emeka tell me. "E fit even shock you say that girl fit be boy sef!"

I open my mouth. Emeka don confuse me again o. I begin reason with am sha.

"Yes! Yes!" I shout. "The account number wey she give me when I send 4k give am for subscription that time na one Olagoke Adeyemo I see inside."

"En-hen. Na guy name be that nah!" Emeka tok.

"Buh she tell me say no be her account number be that dat time sha," I tok.

"Bring am mey we correlate," Emeka tell me. I rush find the teller wey I take pay Titi that time. The account number na the same thing o!

"What?!" I shout. "So, Titi real name na Olagoke Adeyemo! Na wah for waya road o!"

"I tell you!" Emeka tok. "I tell you say this your Titi na original fake! Now we go catch am, just give me the 3k mey I take buy the bulksms."

I dey doubt say the bulk sms wey hin dey tok no suppose reach that amount. Now I don dey wise small small say mey I no dey rush things. People don show me nah, so na wiseness thing now.

"See, na #1,500 I get o," I clear am.

"E no fit reach anyway Chibuzor!" Emeka dey do strong head.

"Okay then, bye bye," I tok immediately. Me no dey for chere cambia.

Emeka just dey find way to take collect 3k. E tok say mey I call hin friend ask am say hin go tell me say na how much den dey sell am be that.

"E no concern me o," I just dey stubborn so tey Emeka tok say mey I bring the #1,500 first.

"You go balance me o," he tok.

"No problem now," I tok. "First go buy am come."

Me don dey wise now, abi wetin una think? If to say na before before, me go don pay am in full. Make Emeka no go put mind say I go give am chichi later, because me no get any chichi to give am again.

I was reading this story last year before Nairaland crashed down, let me tell you where I dey, the scene wey d guy go wedding for church and ...
mention me when u reach dat side


fans of EBIAG