Yes,there should be somethings better left unsaid. This is because most men cannothandle the truth.
An average man expects his wife to understand him whenever he confesses most esp his unfaithfulness but he will always feel disgusted and even go as far as contemplating divorce if his wife does same.

hopeforcharles:

Now I have the feeling like I am been drilled,
anyway, I have experience I advices or tell people things based on what I feel is truth and, or what I have done or what I would do if it's me.

im not grilling you in anyway just trying to get a better understanding

babyosisi:


That is just my opinion
Try finding a woman who cheated and confessed and the marriage still continued
Men can get away with confessions of cheating,not women
If [size=18pt]you were lucky not to be caught,repent and move on[/size]

What is repentance without confessing to the person you have wronged? In this case,the person has wronged the spouse(husband).
Please lets be wary of the kind of advice we give on a public forum.

Gaborone:




Believe me, I don't enjoy the f v m fights too.

Ya, I agree with you, most women...and men who have cheated only 'confess' after they're caught. I guess it's because telling one's spouse, "I cheated on you" should top the most difficult words to utter.

It's good to know too that more than a few relationships have survived unfaithfulness. But I'm not so sure if by 'relationships' you meant marriage or dating/courtship though.

Am relatively young in marriage so am referring to courtships as well as a marriage or two.


Thing is , you rarely get to hear about such situations cos d parties would rather just keep mum about it and focus on the rebuilding...plus, how many guys will be proud to disclose that he's with someone that cheated/bin cheating on him. Rather just forgive and move on..


Male ego is something else.

Momcherry:
Yes..I agree there are things u keep secret but there are issues you don't keep secret.

Eg. A friend of mine once told me of a friend whose husband of 6yrs doesn't know that her father is not really her father but her uncle. I was like 'what'?? Such minor issue? So, what if the guy happens to find out someday(which I'm sure he will)? Will there still be trust?

Why is she hiding such information from the husband?Even if the father abandoned her as a baby,it is needless keeping such from him.
...............The husband sef..................six years is enough for him to have known.

Moana:
im not grilling you in anyway just trying to get a better understanding

ok hope u have understood me,

thorpido:
I won't agree that you keep all details of your past as a woman.A woman who has lived in the past as a prostitute should tell.If you have had an abortion too,you should tell(many sexually active girls must have done one at least from what i see in the hospitals).
If a married woman cheats on her husband,she should confess and ask for forgiveness.For most women,their conscience wouldn't even let them rest though women are becoming hard-hearted nowadays.

I hear guys asking a girl how many men she has slept with.I don't think I will answer that question if i was a girl as long as you didn't meet me a virgin.

I may not agree with all the points made by the OP, but of what use is the abortion tale to the man? This is in a situation where nothing went wrong, that is.

Well I think the husband or wife should tell everything, if a woman cheats she should tell the man cos if he finds out on his own he will never trust her, he will believe she still does it, same goes to the guys, anyone who leaves u for been honest doesn't deserve u. This world is a small place, even if u cheated in UK ur spouse might find out, that's how a girl cheated on me once and I sat face to face with the guy she did it with few months later, we were talking about chicks in general when he shared a deadly information with me,she kept it away from me for 6months. twas too hard to bear cos I asked her a couple of times and she denied. the relationship eventually ended due to trust issues....lets be honest and live a free life without the burden of guilt

kilode100:


Coming clean you say?... Who has it helped
It's only below average men that are interested in such nonsense.... What will it achieve to sit down with a man that there is no guarantee that he will be there till death do us part to tell him dirt's about my past...

Anyway the truth is that there is no man born of a woman that can handle my past.
1,I have sucked many unwashed ass holes...
2,I used to like been beaten before getting fhucked.
3,I love foursome a lot... I take on three guys at once..
4,I lost count of abortions but I ve two adorable kids to call mine now.
5,I ve repented completely.

Do you still think I should spill

dinachi:
I had always known the Op to be a fraud on relationship issues! Imagine advicing spouses to keep secrets from each other so that one imaginary respect go dey. She forgets that the foundation of every relationship is openness. That is exactly why most marriages are based on fake assumptions and love that is not genuine. People keep vital information from each other yet claim they are deep in love! That is why you see cases where HIV positive individuals keep it to themselves, get married and infect their partners all in a bid to be "respected". Most sins kept secret will resurge again later in life. But if you tell your partner about your weaknessess, he/she will be able to even advice when he/she see you heading down that route again. A former prostitute who kept her life secret from her husband will likely relapse into the lifestyle again! If you are hiding information from your husband or wife, then know that is the biggest pointer that you are not with whom you trust and respect! You are actually lonely!

Well said..

Concerning the HIV issue... I have personally come across such cases..no jokes.

I don't know how people expect a good result wen their calculations are wrong

Openness and honesty CANNOT be over emphasized.

Yes, people are different, and so expectations are different. If your husband to be (cos this has to b approached from a pre marital angle) doesn't care to know your body count or whatever, then the rule of 'What's important for him to know' applies BUT if Ur partner cares about such, then, with wisdom, tell him/her wat he/she wants to know.



s.m.h@some threads sha


cc:marvellousGod

freecocoa:
I may not agree with all the points made by the OP, but [size=14pt]of what use is the abortion tale to the man?[/size] This is in a situation where nothing went wrong, that is.

Just confess to the man . He will be the one to know that.

bellong:




And like I said in my previous post, if you know what you are doing is detrimental to future happiness or joy, why engage in it?

Exactly. People know these things and still go on to do it .
Infact threads like this encourage such.

Live a crazy life and hide it from your husband.

charles316:


Exactly. People know these things and still go on to do it .
Infact threads like this encourage such.

Live a crazy life and hide it from your husband.

He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. Proverbs 13:20

You keep secrets from your husband and he keeps secrets from you. Pray tell what are you too doing in a marriage? You are total strangers playing tricks on each other in your stage managed romance!

charles316:


What is repentance without confessing to the person you have wronged? In this case,the person has wronged the spouse(husband).
Please lets be wary of the kind of advice we give on a public forum.

I think she was talking in the context of things ladies did before they got married

The more open a couple is to each other, the better they bond. Why have too many secrets and carry guilt in your heart all the rest of your life?

Not all advice should be taken verbatim, its different for everyone and every marriage

Therefore with all said and typed i hereby declare this thread a Failure.
Open- ness breeds sincerity and trust in a relationship People please dont follow all you read in Nairaland. Peace
these are times when i need that red thread close stamp.

Bibol:


I think she was talking in the context of things ladies did before they got married

The more open a couple is to each other, the better they bond. Why have too many secrets and carry guilt in your heart all the rest of your life?

Before or after marriage,it is still important that the spouse gets to know those things. If he /she will be ashamed to tell the spouse,why go on to do it?

charles316:


Before or after marriage,it is still important that the spouse gets to know those things. If he /she is ashamed to tell the spouse,why do it?

Exactly! I guess people hardly think of the consequences of their actions before engaging in temporary pleasures. Its human nature

Mynd44:
Until he finds out by himself of course and hell breaks loose.

The balance is between asking for people who are psychologically stable and people who are not hence we have to protect.

'nuff said

freecocoa:
I may not agree with all the points made by the OP, but of what use is the abortion tale to the man? This is in a situation where nothing went wrong, that is.

,and you will still pray together?ask for a better life together?the man that married you and the father of ur kids does nt have the right to know uv done such befor?you only think nothing went wrong,alot did/still is till u let him cos even if its in 50yrs,d past wil still comeback to rub u and him in d face!

HOLY!! HOLY!!! HOLY!!!

I love how when its woman matter they all start preaching confess confess.
Those people talking no vex oo but have you confessed totally how many prostitues you slept with or you are still sleeping with?

How about the one night stands?

How about the times you got your ex pregnant and she aborted?

Our society is NOT the right environment for any female to confess anything.If your brother comes and tells you his gf had 6 abortions, cheated on him or was an ashana won't you be the first to say dump her?? No matter how courageous she was or how reformed? Na una go scream 'harlot' pass.


Aren't 95% of you virgin hunters?? Una go poke but want to marry unpoked.Sorry.No wonder hymen repair is rampant.Sleep around, then go and become virgin again to fool d fools.And they'll be boasting,I married her a vajinn.Disregardng soo many other things about her character which are important.Was it not the other day that some governor married a chick and claimed he was disciplined while married to his first wife of blessed memory?? This same man famed for being a man -LovePeddler with uni chicks? shouting he married his wife cos she's a vajin? he and his mother also insulted Nigerian women


Abegg when men speak like others are dirt cos of any se xual past why would any sane thinking girl come out to really really talk about her body count?


Confess ko confess ni. Only an idi ot with a past would be reallly honest to the average Nigerian man.If you are caught red handed or if there's really no way out,then you can tell the truth as much as you feel is permissible cos a good percentage of the time,it will be used against you.

If you have chopped within or without the marriage/relationship, clean mouth quietly,discuss with your maker and move on.How many times has he come to you to confess that he chopped outside too? Even most men caught in the act will deny till they are blue in the face.

Only confess if you are ready to take a gamble that the relationship will die.If you are sick of his tired ass,please go into minute details ,he will flee by himself.

If you want to talk of the past,have u dated other people? - yes or no. body count questions are usually asked by the sanctimonious - avoid answering,its not his bizniz. abortion nko- of he asks,ask him how many he has taken part in first. A non judgey guy would never ever want to go into fine details cos he believes past is past,but the one wey go ask what color of pant you were wearing for each se xual act?? Flee.

Till Nigeria stops shaming women for having and acting on their sexual urges,nothing like confession.Mr Femi Kayode released na ked pictures of his ex gf when their relationship went south and he went to the extent of shaming her family and giving details of secrets she 'confessed' to him. ladies,talk at your own risk!

After all,if confession is so good why do the men who have forgiven cheating partners lie about it and join the crowd to shout God forbid,kick her out.Simple,its cos it is a taboo for them to accept that someone shined Congo better than them and they'd be laughed at for still going on with the 'slut'.

Talk if u have HIV or life threatening disease ,just be careful what you give away in the name of 'confession'.Daz all
I deviated a lot,sorry.

i dnt know who this ladies are angry with,there is nothing you can do to change the fact that its ur kitty-kat dt has d hymen to b broken,its ur body dt bears d cross of what uv done in d past not the man's.that is y men's past seems overlooked.will a single father have difficulty getting a wife?na him go carry d pregnancy?na him boobs go sag?will d guy incase of abortion b d one being drilled during D&C?there is nothing like gender equality because we are made differently.hardly wil a lady boast of having slept wt this guy n dt one but c our men.
i agree we all av one/2 things better left forgotten but let it b silly things u did as a child not while fully grown and concious of the consequences.
during my marriage counselling,the pastor asked me how many men have slept with(luckily for me tis just my oga ),he asked him same but he cudnt talk,d man sed he knws dt he myt nt b able to say it but dt he shld look me in d eye and appologise sincerely because he has bin sharing what belonged to me with diffrnt people!
No secret remains forever pls,couples should better spill all while trying to know eachoda so if u cant love ursefs and ur pasts then move on,how will u be at peace knowing uv aborted befor and ur hubby doesnt know?and you say ur vows conveniently?
am nt judging anyone please,just knw that NOTHING is HIDDEN UNDER the SUN!

This topic reminds me of a show called BAGGAGE n Dstv. The reason people are able to spill their dirty secrets on that show and also able to accept them is because the whites are less judgemental and more accomodating. They have accepted who they are and are more open. Unlike we nigerians who know how to use peoples' past against them. The society is judgemental and hypocritical at the same time. No one is able to handle the truth no matter how much they preach openness. NO ONE! We are all humans with limitations and that will be shown on how much information we can handle.

The truth is most men and women will keep their horrible pasts to themselves which brings about the importance of investigating your partner before marriage. Some you will get to know during the course of courtship. But inspite of that, you still dnt get to know everything. So if we are to be very honest about our pasts, we ought to ask ourselves if he or she can handle them. are we truly ready for the consequences of letting he or she know about them? Is openness the watchword of your partner? Has he or she spilled his or her past to you? why are we spilling? Most peeps who spill expect automatic forgiveness and forget that things would change afterwards. Are we ready to accept the changes that would occur after the spilling? Are we ready to be victims of attack from time to time once your partner is armed with your secrets? Are you ready for your past to go beyond your partner as others apart from your partner may get to know them? Are we ready to move on should in case the relationship/marriage packs up? Lower your expectations and expect the worst because you are not dealing with jesus christ o. You are dealing with a human. There are standards each one of us hold or expect from our partners. Use the standards of your partner to decide if he or she can truly handle the openness before deciding to spill. Let your brain be a sieve and show tact when opening up. There are things to spill and there are others to be kept to yourself biko. Be selective.

As for what to spill, well, diseases such as HIV, Herpes, Hepatitis, children outside wedlock should be spilled o. Anything major that poses a threat to your partner should be spilled ON TIME.

As for cheating, to each his own biko. Just make sure before you spill you have packed your bags already ready to leave if you know fully well your partner will not accept it. Body count questions are useless. Always sieve what to say. Know when to talk and when to keep quiet. THIS IS NIGERIA NOT AMERICA. we have a culture that can't handle the truth. Be tactful. Be wise as a serpent biko.

To be honest, the best and ideal thing is for a couple to be completely honest and open to each other. It's by far the best type of marriage which should be what couple should have as a standard. However just like many standards that should be maintained in marriage, our people are very very far from it.

Nigerian women should not kid themselves by thinking that the couple is being asked to be honest to each other. In most cases, they are asking only you the WOMAN to be honest.

If Nigerians want the women to be honest, we have to make a conducive environment for it. We have to be less judgemental and more open ourselves.

babygirlfl:
To be honest, the best and ideal thing is for a couple to be completely honest and open to each other. It's by far the best type of marriage which should be what couple should have as a standard. However just like many standards that should be maintained in marriage, our people are very very far from it.

Nigerian women should not kid themselves by thinking that the couple is being asked to be honest to each other. In most cases, they are asking only you the WOMAN to be honest.

If Nigerians want the women to be honest, we have to make a conducive environment for it. We have to be less judgemental and more open ourselves.

My thoughts

I remember someone once said be honest with style

He was relating it to Joyce Meyer who told her husband her father raped her.

I don't know about an average Nigerian guy/husband to be Anyways.

It's all Good.

Anyway, I will marry a virgin. 100% worry-free from past

No need to worry if she aborted or fuc*** 1,000 guys.

Make una continue dey hide oh... When the truth forces itself out, be ready to bear the consequences.

jmoore:
Anyway, I will marry a virgin.

No need to worry if she aborted or fuc*** 1,000 guys.

Make una continue dey hide oh... When the truth forces itself out, be ready to bear the consequences.

What consequences?
Soldier come, soldier go barrack still remain.
Hian!

D very reason I wanna marry a virgin A new nylon D hymen must be intact I no wan hear story dat touches d hart

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